[IO]
Internet Oracle
2 Aug 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 8:33:22 GMT

Internet Oracularities #705

Goto:
705, 705-01, 705-02, 705-03, 705-04, 705-05, 705-06, 705-07, 705-08, 705-09, 705-10


Usenet Oracularities #705    (76 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 15:58:55 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   705
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

705   76 votes 5knj9 0qqi6 fsh88 8jjl9 5elme 16got 5dsic 4nnk6 167mE 49xff
705   3.3 mean  3.1   3.1   2.6   3.1   3.3   4.0   3.2   3.0   4.2   3.4


705-01    (5knj9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that every girl I meet and want to be friends (or casual
> dating partners) with falls madly in love with me and starts planning
> our wedding, forcing me to dump them cruelly and mercilessly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I dunno, maybe it's your eyes...your wonderful, deep blue eyes, and
} your charming personality, bubbling with life and love and OH HOW I
} LOVE YOU I WANT TO MARRY YOU ON THE FIRST DAY OF THE FIRST MONTH OF THE
} FIRST YEAR OF THE FIRS56345^%#*67432fhdsjf47$67356h
}
} CORE DUMPED CRUELLY AND MERCILESSLY
}
} You owe the Oracle the engagement ring.


705-02    (0qqi6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, tell me why in heavens name didn't my car start
> this morning ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the early seventies, the Psychology Department of the University of
} Wagga Wagga ran a study called Driver Experiment in Automobile Denial.
} The idea was to see whether car owners, when faced with an inoperative
} vehicle, would seek alternative and less polluting means of transport,
} such as walking or sharing a journey with someone else.  To carry out
} the experiment, the cars of a number of subjects were fitted with a
} device which would immobilise it on a random number of days during a
} two-month period.
}
} The experiment was deemed a failure, because significant numbers of
} subjects reacted by selling their vehicles and buying newer, bigger
} cars.  However, the rights to the so-called "DEAD" device were bought
} up by General Motors, who had them fitted to all new vehicles.  The
} benefits of the shorter re-purchase cycle were soon seen by other
} manufacturers, who produced their own similar systems.  Not content
} with that, the manufacturers also paid garages to retro-fit the device
} into older cars when serviced, in order to provoke more sales.
}
} So the reason your car didn't start was that it was in DEAD mode.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spark of intelligence.


705-03    (fsh88 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a meeting tomorrow morning at work to discuss a mighty report
> which I was to do this weekend, and have not (as yet) begun. What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, what you SHOULDN'T do is fall madly in love with your boss and
} start planning your wedding, because he just wants to be friends (or
} casual dating partners), and you'll be forcing him to dump you cruelly
} and mercilessly.
}
} No, what you must do is feign illness.  Always worked for me in my
} apprenticeship days when I had failed to write the weekly witty
} response!
}
} You owe the Oracle an Apple Newton.  I have a report due tomorrow.


705-04    (8jjl9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Exceedingly Wise One, try to bear with my ignorance and attempts to
> get SOME SLEEP !! My problem is: Is the MS-WINDOWS Workstation 3.5
> capable in form, shape or way of using tape back up stations that
> operate through the parallel port? I can not begin to tell you that
> a solution to that problem will help tremedously - I thank you in
> advance for just the mere directions to a solution of the problem :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this is actually three separate questions: Whether it has this
} capability in form, whether it has it in shape, or whether it has it
} in way.
}
} *Formally* speaking, the MS-WINDOWS Workstation 3.5 is just one
} manifestation of the Ur-MS-WINDOWS machine, which dwells in the
} Platonic realm. Since the definition of an MS-WINDOWS entity is
} "a featherless thing which constantly crashes," then, under the
} Platonic notion of Forms, your Workstation not only does not have
} this capability, it does not have *any* capability.
}
} *Shape*, on the other hand, is a purely physical notion. If we consider
} only the shape aspect of things, your workstation can work with any
} other piece of equipment that is not so large and awkward that the two
} of them cannot coexist in the same universe.
}
} Finally, having considered the philosophical and physical aspects of
} your problem, we go on to the mystical aspects. From the point of view
} of the Way (or Tao), all action is done through nonaction. Thus, when
} your Windows machine crashes, going into a state of nonaction, it
} becomes capable of all things, including working with your backup
} system. We thus see how the mystical reconciles the philosophical and
} the physical.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Tao with a silencer.


705-05    (5elme dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Oh good, Tonto, you finally made it!  Look, you've got to get me
}     out of these ropes.  I tried sending Silver for help but it was no
}     use.
}
}     Hmmm?  What happened?  Well, as I was riding, these Apaches
}     ambushed me.  The chief said they were going to kill me, but before
}     I died I could have three requests.  So naturally I asked to talk
}     to Silver.  I whispered in his ear what I wanted and he flew off
}     like a flash.  About an hour later, he came back with this really
}     stacked blonde.  The chief liked that, so he let me borrow his
}     teepee.
}
}     So after a great night, I asked to talk to Silver.  Silver again
}     rode off, and this time he returned with a redhead.  Once again,
}     the chief smiled, gave me his teepee, and I had a great night.
}
}     The next day, I asked to talk to Silver again, and spelled out what
}     I wanted in a little more detail.  Silver this time returned with a
}     stunning brunette.  I was pissed; I yelled at Silver, "Dammit, I
}     said a posse!"
}
}     Anyway, now that you're here, will you get me off of this ant hill?
}
}     What?
}
}     No!  You can't lick the honey off of me; you know you'd have to
}     grovel to do that, but you know how you hate that!  Hmph.
}
}     You owe the Oracle a silver bullet.


705-06    (16got dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Omost wise Oracle , please        O most wise Oracle, please
>   pleaseplease  help me with my     please please help me with my
>   problem.                          problem.
>
>   For some time now I have been     For some time now I have been
>  obsessed  with stereograms.        obsessed with stereograms.
>   I've gotten so good at            I've gotten so good at
>   crossing myeyes  that I           crossing my eyes that I
>   sometimes just stare up at        sometimes just stare up at
>   the ceiling and fuse tiles        the ceiling and fuse tiles
>   together to see if they have      together to see if they have
>   anyhidden images .                any hidden images.
>
>   Unfortunately, now I seem to      Unfortunately, now I seem to
>   be having trouble trouble         be having trouble trouble
>   focusing onreal                   focusing on real
>   three-dimensional objects.        three-dimensional objects.
>   The real world seemsflat  and     The real world seems flat and
>  dull , and I've been reading       dull, and I've been reading
>  alt.3d  in a vain search for       alt.3d in a vain search for
>  3-D .sig files .                   3-D .sig files.
>
>   Please,I beg of you , help me!    Please, I beg of you, help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well done, Supplicant! Well done, supplicant! Well done, Supplier!
} By watching everything By seeing everything   By examining everything
} twice, you have found  2x, you have found     two times, you've found
} a higher level of con- a higher plain of con- a higher lever of con-
} sciousness. Now it is  sciousness. Now, it is sciousness. Presently,it's
} time to progress even  time to go forth even  time to more on even
} further. You have gone further. You've gone   farther. You have gone
} beyond normal human    beyond regular human   past normal human
} experience, and you    experience; and you    experience, & you
} are now ready for the  are now set for the    are now prepared for the
} REAL THREE-dimensional REAL 3-dimensional     ACTUAL THREE-dimensional
} experience. Yes! Only  experience. OK! Only   experience. Indeed! Only
} The Usenet Oracle (tm) some guy in a compulab some nerd w/ a phone bill
} can offer you this     can grant you this     can give you this
} unique experience -oh, once experience -oh,   one-time experience -oh,
} and your local newspa- and your local maga-   and your local newspa-
} per.                   zine.                   per.
}
} You owe the Oracle a   You owe Mr. Oracle a   The Oracle wants a
} nice cut-n-paste tool, nice cut-n-paste tool, nice cut-n-paste tool,
} and those nerdy card-  and those nerdy card-  and those nerdy card-
} board green/red specs. board green/red specs. board green/red specs.


705-07    (5dsic dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell about Your German speaking incarnation.
> I have been unable to contact the <orakel@nessie.cs.id.ethz.ch>. There
> is word going round, that nessie is down.
>
> How can it be? Nessie down?
>
> Can`t You jump in with a German speaking service?
>
> A desperate supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Och aye, wee supplicant.  Dinna ye ken, the Nessie service ha' been
} taken oot o' action while yon scientists are searching for the wee
} lassie.  We canna ha' yon eggheads leaving no secrets aboot the world,
} noo, ken we?  Yon Nessie Service ha' been provided in th' past for the
} Scottish Tourism Board, and under th' terms o' our contract with yon
} Board, MacOracle Services must no confirm no deny the existence o'
} Nessie through inaction until 2173 AD.  Thus, ma wee bairn, when yoo
} say that Nessie is down, ye are correct and ye are no' correct at the
} same time.  Nessie is no' down, Nessie is submerged.
}
} Ye owe the MacOracle four drams of fine single malt Scotch


705-08    (4nnk6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest oracle, I have this most perplexing problem:
>
> Last night I saw the film 'TimeCop' with Jean-Claude Van-Damme. I am
> very confused about the plot.
>
> In the film he is fighting against a corrupt senator who is traveling
> back through time in order to change the future. In the last action
> scene of the film Jean Claude kills the baddie by making his past self
> anihalite his futue self. The past time baddie was killed before he had
> a chance to commit all his naughty crimes.
>
> Problems arise:
>
> If the bad guy died before he had a chance to commit any crimes then
> most of the events portrayed in the film never occurd ( in the
> imaginary film world ).
>
> Furthermore, if the events didnt take place then Jean Claude never went
> back in time to save himself, his wife and kill the bad guy.
>
> Finaly, if the events never happend then he would also have erased his
> own memory of what had happened.
>
> This film is full of inconsistancies. Can you please help me unravel
> them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all quite simple and you just about got it when you mentioned his
} memories of what happened being erased. You see, Jean-Claude Van Damme
} is now such an astonishingly popular movie star that no movie
} production company can possibly afford his astronomical fee. Things
} looked bad for fans of "The Muscles from Brussels" until one small
} company had a rather bright idea.
}
} All they had to do was create a film where during the filming (and
} preferably really near the end) Jean-Claude went back in time and made
} the production of the film itself impossible. Therefore, since there
} was no film, Jean-Claude could not collect his fee, and the film was
} effectively made for free. This was achieved by casting the originator
} of the idea himself as the baddie.
}
} And, there is also one particularly good side-effect of this method of
} making films. Since there never was a 'TimeCop', there will never be
} a 'TimeCop II'.
}
} You owe The Oracle scripts for 'TimePolicewoman', 'TimeLawyer',
} 'TimeFather Christmas', 'TimeGump', 'TimeAerobics Instructor',
} 'TimePostman', and 'TimeEx-Member of the Beatles who Died in Hamburg'.


705-09    (167mE dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and powerful Oracle, who often has lunch with Yahweh in
> order to laugh at him when the old dribble glass trick works:
>
> If a tree in a forest falls on Newt Gingrich and no one is around to
> hear him scream, what will middle-class tax rates do in relation to
> Federal Reserve interest rates within the next two years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Hmmm....  a most worthy question.
}
} I think I need to simulate this one on my computer...
}
} >LOOK
}
} You are in a large, dense forest.
}
} >LISTEN
}
} You can hear faint cries for help in the distance.
}
} >GO TO SOUND
}
} You are by a large fallen tree.  Pinned under the tree is Newt
} Gingrich.
}
} >SAY HELLO
}
} "I'm under a tree, you idiot! Help me!", replies Newt.
}
} >SAY HOW?
}
} "You must deliver my tax plan to Washington so it can be passed!", says
} Newt. He offers you a briefcase.
}
} >TAKE BRIEFCASE
}
} You now have a thin brown briefcase.
}
} >INVENTORY
}
} You are carrying:
} A briefcase
} A Swiss Army knife
} Beef Jerky
} A Honda Accord
} A biology textbook
}
} >USE HONDA
}
} You are inside the Honda.
}
} >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON
}
} You have reached Washington.  A logging company lies to the west
}
} >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON DC
}
} You have reached Washington DC.  The capitol lies to the north.
} The White House lies to the east.
}
} >DRIVE TO WHITE HOUSE
}
} You have reached the White House.
}
} >ENTER
}
} A Honda Accord can't fit in the White House!
}
} >PUT ACCORD AWAY
}
} The Honda Accord is stored on your person.
}
} >ENTER WHITE HOUSE
}
} You are inside the White House.  There is a staircase leading upstairs.
} The Oval Office is to the West.
}
} >ENTER OVAL OFFICE
}
} You are inside the oval office.  A large man with grey hair is behind
} the desk.  The President says "Can I help you?"
}
} >OPEN BRIEFCASE
}
} The briefcase is locked!
}
} >USE SWISS ARMY KNIFE
}
} Use on what?
}
} >BRIEFCASE
}
} The briefcase is now open.  It contains:
} A budget bill
} A stopwatch
} A pornographic magazine
} A computer mouse.
}
} >SAY I HAVE NEWT'S BILL
}
} "If you don't leave immediately, I'm calling security", the President
} says.
}
} >DROP BEEF JERKY
}
} The President unwraps the Beef Jerky.  The President eats the Beef
} Jerky. The President smiles.  The President says, "Just like mom's. Got
} any more?"
}
} >DROP MAGAZINE
}
} The President sees the magazine.  The President reads the magazine.
} The President nods approvingly.
}
} >HIT PRESIDENT WITH BOOK
}
} Where will you hit the President?
}
} >THE HEAD
}
} The President is now unconscious.
}
} >PLACE BRIEFCASE ON DESK
}
} The briefcase is on the Oval Office desk.
}
} >SIGN BILL
}
} You sign your name on the President's face.
}
} Security has just entered the room!
}
} You have been arrested.
} Your score is 536 out of 12645
}
} Oh well, guess that didn't work.  I suppose the answer is nothing.
} Gridlock continues as normal.
}
} You owe the Oracle an audit.


705-10    (49xff dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha, you forget the law of conservation of stickiness. In fact, all
} objects have a total stickiness quotient of 1.0. Since the external
} side of the teflon is not sticky at all, the other side of it must be
} the stickiest substance known to mankind, and it sticks to the steel of
} the pan like Madonna would stick to Norman Mailer if she had half a
} chance.
}
} You owe The Oracle something, ANYTHING, that will get my fingers free
} from this testtube.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org