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Internet Oracularities #708

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708, 708-01, 708-02, 708-03, 708-04, 708-05, 708-06, 708-07, 708-08, 708-09, 708-10


Usenet Oracularities #708    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 28 Jan 1995 08:42:45 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   708
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

708   86 votes 5pvm3 5cnht 9uvf1 mxn80 4rwe9 6dipo 5rpk9 cqsd7 8aonl aqwd5
708   3.0 mean  2.9   3.6   2.6   2.2   3.0   3.6   3.0   2.7   3.5   2.7


708-01    (5pvm3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello oracle,
>
> yesterday i saw a comic-movie of batman, and, you know (of course), i
> want to know the meaning of words like "SPLASH", "BOW" and "KAZONK".
> What do this words mean? Please help me...
>
>         your german slave and servant
>         Frank

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  SPLASH: "I am in intense pain.  The force of your strike has caused a
}           sufficient amount of liquid to spill from my body to cause an
}           audible sound upon the pavement."
}  BOW: "I would say 'Ouch', but my jaw has been displaced several inches
}        to the left."
}  KAZONK: [CENSORED]
}  KAPOW: "It is a good thing that my lips are swollen to the size of
}          Vienna pork sausages, or I would make disparaging remarks
}          about your feminine tights."
}  ZAP (Robin only): "I will pretend to be in agony, but I am merely
}                     pretending in order to protect your fragile
}                     pre-pubescent ego."
}
}  You owe the Oracle a good KAZONK.


708-02    (5cnht dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help!1
> tell me who is the better choice
> Mary ann or Ginger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
} A tale of a supplicant
} Who watches TV all day long:
} A vegetative plant
}
} He stares at the women on the screen
} He's really in a bind
} He wants to be with one of them
} But he can't make up his mind
} Can't make up his mind
}
} And so he asks the Oracle
} To help him choose between
} The All-American farm girl
} And the B-movie queen
} The B-movie queen
}
} The Oracle bravely attempts
} to be funny and sublime
} With stuff like this to work with
} It's an uphill climb
}
} No spark!  No life!  No thought at all
} No originality
} If this query were graded
} It'd certainly get an "E".
}
} So listen close my supplicant
} And hear the O's reply:
} Your dream girl is not on TV
} She's out there in real life!
}
} You owe the Oracle a better question, and Catherine Bach from
} "The Dukes of Hazzard".  Quality television at its finest.


708-03    (9uvf1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,
> what is the value of an chicken counted before having hatched?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right pal, cliche police, please step away from your terminal.
} What were you doing?  Don't give me that line.  We both know what's
} going on here and I'm going to have to write you up.  Let's see...
}
}      1. Use of two or more cliches in one sentence
}
}      2. Attempting to count chickens before hatched
}         despite being told not to
}
}      3. Attempting to con a net entity into committing
}         offense number 2
}
}      4. Failure to include a proper grovelling cliche
}
} Now frankly I don't believe in enforcing #4, but the other three are
} serious charges and I'm going to have to take you in.  Maybe a few
} dozen hours with my seventh grade English teacher will set you
} straight before you get hauled in for dangling modifers.


708-04    (mxn80 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most gracious and kind Oracle, owner of all the Volvos across the
> seas and 747sps in the air, defiler of woodchucks and other small
> rodents, owner of all power grids and interstate commerce, defender
> of all VAX keyboards, and most sublime personnage, whose shoes I am
> unable to even tie even if they be loafers, whose shadow blots the
> sun and cause mighty corona discharges during this time of Solstice,
> whose mighty cerebrialness out thinks Stephen Hawking, whose stunning
> persona out Jung's Jung, and whose political correctness has never
> been questioned except by infidels and dilettantes, and whose pixels
> smite the unworthy, please grant me a small answer:
>
> Since I live in California and we've had a bunch of rain this season,
> is it your Oracle-ness' intent to turn So Cal into a Seattle or what??
>
> Damp needs to know

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Humble suppliciant,
}
} Boy, do you know how to brownnose or what?  Anyways, to try and
} answer your question, Southern Cal is getting all the rain because the
} people over in Indiana don't want it anymore, so they told me to give
} it to you guys.  Who knows, maby I'll even throw in a few killer
} tornados at no extra charge to you.  So you see, you guys get to put
} up with earthquakes and typhoons and stuff, so now it's time for you
} all to experiance my bad spelling.  No really, it's time for you to
} understand what all of us here in indiana have to put up with.  Stop
} whineing, for god's sake.  You guys need the rain anyways.  Your
} water aquifers were bone dry, from what I understand.  It will stop
} soon, and you will be back on the beach in 75 degree weather, while
} we are suffering in this 30 degree weather ( It's snowing right now,
} as a matter of fact.  No lie.)  Got to go, but a word of advice from
} one who knows, if you do get in the path of a tornado, run outside
} immediately so if it does hit the house or building or whatever you
} reside in, it won't fall on you.
}
} Thanks to CWEWETZER@Marsh.VINU.edu   for help on this tough
} and amuseing question.  PEACE OUT!


708-05    (4rwe9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wonderous Usenet Oracle, who is wisest of all oracles,
> wiser even than a forest full of owls, I beg of thee an answer to
> my humble question:
>
> What are the eleven secret herbs and spices which make up Kentucky
> Fried Chicken, and in what proportions are they combined?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Black pepper             31.6%
}     Cumin                     1.3%
}     More black pepper        12.4%
}     Paprika (hot)             2.1%
}     Still more black pepper  22.9%
}     Coca leaf                 0.4%
}     Kola nuts (roasted)       0.3%
}     Pepper (black)           15.0%
}     Paprika (not so hot)      1.1%
}     Ganja                     0.8%
}     White pepper (blackened) 12.1%
}
} You owe the Oracle $5000 worth of pepper futures.


708-06    (6dipo dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look buddy,
>
>  Just how many questions and I going to have to ask before I make
> the digest, anyways?  This is getting annoying!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Hey, you think this is some kind of picnic for me?  All the constant
} pressure of answering unappreciative supplicant's questions.  You
} should try it and see how it is...  Hey, wait a minute...  Yeah....
}
} <snaps fingers.  Oracle and supplicant exchange places>
}
} Let's see how you like it...
}
} What do you think now?
}
} <beep>
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > What do you think now?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Hey, what's going on, this isn't funny!
}
} How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
}
} <beep>
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } I already have answered this 59 times!  Stop!
}
} Will I ever get a girlfriend?
}
} <beep>
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Will I ever get a girlfriend?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle
}
} } How many times can you get this in a day?!  Three more came in
} } while I was writing this!
}
} If a woodchuck gnaws down a tree in a forest and the tree falls on the
} woodchuck and kills it, does it make a sound?
}
} <beep>
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > If a woodchuck gnaws down a tree in a forest and the tree falls on the
} > woodchuck and kills it, does it make a sound?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} }  I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!  Please, please, get me out of this
} } living hell!  I swear I grovel every time and I will never, ever ask
} } anything about woodchucks or petty paradoxes or women again!  I can't
} } take it! AAAHHHH!  5 more woodchuck questions came in!  I can't answer
} } them! Help me, if you have any fiber of compassion in your entire
} } being! I'll do anything!  You hear me, anything!!!  Just make it stop!
}
} <snap>
}
} There.  Now do you understand?  Now let's see, anything, you say?
}
} You owe the Oracle some replacement time for a week's vacation.
} Hahaha! I'm going to Disneyland!


708-07    (5rpk9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> whose strength is greater than Hercules
> whose wisdom surpasses Confucius
> whose prose is more entertaining than Shakespere
> whose insight sees more than DaVinci did
> whose inspiration makes Michalangelo seem misguided
> whose peacfulness could make Buddha hyper-active
> whose understanding of the universe makes Hawking look simple
> whose endurance is more staying than George Foreman
> whose humor makes boring David Letterman and Rosanne
> whose interviews are more in depth than Connie Chung
> whose bitterness makes sweet Newt Gingrich
> whose world influence shrinks McDonald's importance in the world
> whose music is more modern and commercial than U2
> whose algorithms are more efficient than Dykstra or Primm
> whose editorials are more insightful than Louderback
> whose architecture is more revolutionary than Von Neuman
> whose artificial intelligence makes Turing wonder
> whose fuzziness makes Lotfi Zadeh seem like a normal name
> whose deadlines are more reliable than Microsoft?
> whose computations are more accurate than Intel??
> (this is going downhill)
>
>
>
> Oh, I forgot my question....
>
> Oh yeah, what is the difference between hair and fur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...Hmm?  Sorry, I thought you were still groveling.
}
} Fur is the same as hair but is restricted to the hair growing on
} animals. Man does not have fur (except coloquially). What you may not
} know is that felt, often used in hats and lame craft projects, is
} matted and compressed fur.
}
} Let's see if you've learned anything.
}
} Is this hair? [Fabio shown]
} Good.
}
} Is this fur? [w**dch*ck shown]
} You've got it.
}
} Is this felt? [<ZOT>]


708-08    (cqsd7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If they are going to ban intoxicants with unpleasant side effects, why
> don't they start with Numerical Analysis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer this question, which really has a simple answer, one must
} first look at the society that would place a ban on, well, anything. To
} begin with, the first question to ask is: Exactly who is it that places
} bans on, well, anything?
}
} The answer is, of course, A)the religious right, B)Politicians. In both
} of these cases, the people are usually not the brightest and the best
} that society has to offer. In fact, overwhelming numbers of these
} people are soooo stupid that they have in fact become lawyers.
}
} If these very people were to place a ban on Numerical Analysis
} tremendous numbers of hyper-intelligent poeple (Not white mice) would
} be unable to become engineers and satisfy their desire to design
} products for other people to break. The next question is, what would
} all of these would-be engineers do with their time? Well, for the most
} part they would be content roaming the Internet, drinking cheap beer,
} eating Pop-Tarts, and having sex. All of which would greatly offend the
} A)Religious Right, and B)Politicians.
}
} Some of these would-be engineers however would not be content with such
} a life, and would, in fact, take out their frustrations by purchasing
} untracable banned assault weapons from 14 year old gang members and
} travel to Washington. Soon, because these would-be engineers are smart
} (and would not get caught, there would be a spree of death not seen
} since the Inquisition.
}
} With ALL seats free in both the House and Senate, these would-be
} engineers would be guaranteed a coup.
}
} Just where do YOU think the country would be if intelligent people were
} running it? I shudder to even think!
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 books on Error Correction Codes.


708-09    (8aonl dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and sentient being from whom I am only worthy to collect the
> scraps and crumbs of wisdom left under the proverbial dinner table of
> your mind, please tell me:
>
> What types or kinds of roadkill can I expect to see as I travel the
> information superhighway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, don't do that.  Now I'm hungry.  Well, I guess before I go to
} Terry's RoadKill diner, I'll just type in a quick response... where'd
} that menu go... ah, here it is.
}
} ========================================================================
}
} Terry's RoadKill diner's menu:
}
} net.FAQ.roadkill:
}
}       These are the guys who post articles such as "Where is the FAQ"
} as a follow-up to the FAQ.  Closely related to
} net.FAQ.question.roadkill who ask the questions from the FAQ as a
} follow-up to the FAQ.  Usually served with a bitter red wine.
}
} net.rhodes.followers.roadkill:
}
}       These are the net.newbies who have been suckered in by our friend
} and former cellmate, Dave Rhodes.  They will spam fifteen or twenty
} newsgroups with their favourite chain letter and will be
} net.rhodes.followers.flambe very quickly (usual cooking time is under
} twenty minutes).  If they fail to post an apology, they will usually
} disappear for months - until their sysadmin forgets about their past.
} If you can catch them before they disappear they are usually very
} tasty.  Not served rare or medium-rare.
}
} net.idiot.run.over:
}
}       These people are ones who will enter into a new newsgroup with
} the name of *.general and ask what the topic of the newsgroup is.  They
} have also been known to enter into alt.binaries.pictures.erotica and
} ask why everyone was speaking in a different language.  Served with a
} side of fries or baked potatoe, Quayle style, your choice.
}
} net.binary.newbie.roadkill:
}
}       These people, once a delicacy, have not been so choicy as of late
} as various net.gurus have become soft on them, and have actually
} answered their questions on how to use tin/nn to uudecode binaries and
} actually get some binary files off the usenet.  Served raw.
}
} net.online-service.user.roadkill:
}
}       A user from any major online service, including, but not limited
} to, America Online, Compu$erve, Delphi, and many others.  Just by
} having one of these major institution's name in your email address, you
} have become a beacon for the net.ghods to aim for.  Very popular in the
} diner this year - served with a flagon of ale to wash it down.
}
} net.flamebait.flamed:
}
}       Anyone posting "Clinton is great" in alt.fan.rush-limbaugh.  In
} other newsgroups, someone posting particularily stupid comments will
} receive similar treatment.  Served well-done only.
}
} net.oracle.zotted:
}
}       Anyone even mentioning Lemurs or Woodchucks to the net.ghod
} Oracle. Served with a glass of irony.
}
} Other meals will be added in the future as we find them.
}
} ========================================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle one net.oracle.zotted.


708-10    (aqwd5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who spent his youth in Asia,
>
> Well, I finally had the dog put down. It was tough, but now it's
> done. The poor old thing was superannuated, blind, senile, and
> incontinent -- it was about time.
>
> Life without the dog turns out to be wonderful. No more messes on
> the floor, no more finding a keeper when we go away for the weekend,
> no more letting in and out the door.
>
> Now I wonder,
> what about my mother-in-law?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you poor unfortunate soul - the most compassionate Oracle's heart
} goes out to you for your great canine loss.
}
} It must be awful for you - everytime you have to lead your
} mother-in-law to her basket, you think of the times you led your dear
} departed pooch up to your bedroom to sleep on your bed at night.
}
} Everytime you try to explain to her how to put in her false teeth, you
} must think of those times your erstwhile best friend was chewing on his
} plate of Pal Meaty Chunks.
}
} And, everytime you have to empty your mother-in-law's colostomy bag, it
} must bring haunting images of following Rover round the park with your
} Pooper Scooper and a black dustbin bag.
}
} All these things weigh heavily on your heart and mind as you
} contemplate your predicament.  What advice can the Oracle give?
}
} Well, give her her teeth, put her on a lead and take her down to the
} park. Then take her off the lead, throw her a stick, and run home
} before she realises what's going on.
}
} Then go to the pet shop and get yourself a new dog.


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