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Internet Oracularities #709

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709, 709-01, 709-02, 709-03, 709-04, 709-05, 709-06, 709-07, 709-08, 709-09, 709-10


Usenet Oracularities #709    (98 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 22:28:00 -0500

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   709
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709   98 votes 6ivz8 kisie 9iHia 4ioDd 7oxmc 5amzq ifxjd 6aqxn irnic crtka
709   3.1 mean  3.2   2.9   3.0   3.4   3.1   3.7   2.9   3.6   2.8   2.9


709-01    (6ivz8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to know something about aeroplanes.
> Technical stuff.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay.  Here goes.
}
} Wings:  Long metal things sticking out of the side.
}
} Cockpit:  See Opium Den.
}
} Jet Engines:  Tubish things mounted on the bottom of the wings or in
} the tail. The create a small anti-gravity field which lifts the plane
} off the ground.
}
} Prop Engine:  Fan mounted either on the nose or on the wings.  Seems to
} propel the plane forward and up, but in reality, it is poushing the air
} against the earth, and forcing it away from the plane.
}
} Rudder:  Well, actually, this ought to read "rubber", because it is a
} rubber band attached to the plane that keeps it going straight (the
} physics are complicated, but are firmly grounded in Hooke's law and
} derivatives thereof), but Orville Wright was dyslexic, so history has
} forever been corrupted.
}
} Landing Gear:  See Emergency Landing Gear.
}
} Emergency Landing Gear:  See Belly.
}
} Belly:  The bottom of the plane.  See Landing Gear.
}
} Well, there you go, supplicant!  a short guide to some of the most
} essential parts of the safest mode of travel in existence, the
} Aeroplane.
}
} You owe the oracle a train ticket.


709-02    (kisie dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <stdgrovel.h>
>
> How many woodchucks could a woodchuck-chucker chuck if a
> woodchuck-chucker could chuck woodchucks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} // COPYRIGHT 1995 ORACLE INTERNATIONAL ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
} //
} // Manual "How to Answer Stupid Questions"
} // CH 5 "Woodchuck Questions"
} // Example program #3
} //
} // An example of how to use class libraries to automate answer
} // research.
}
} #include <stdIOracle.h>
} #include <chucker.h>
} #include <forestcreatures.h>
} #include <stdzot.h>
}
} void main()
} {
}   Chucker woodchuckchucker( STDCHUCKINGENDURANCE, FORESTFETISH );
}   Marmot woodchuck( AMERICAN | BURROWING | HIBERNATING );
}
}   if (woodchuckchucker.can_chuck(woodchuck))
}   {
}     for (unsigned long chucked=0;
}          woodchuckchucker.chuck(woodchuck); chucked++);
}     cout << chucked << "woodchucks succesfully chucked.";
}   }
}
}   cout << "Chucking woodchucks is definitely prohibited by PETA!";
}
}   zot.deliver( CHUCK_SUPPLICANT,
}                "stdgrovel.h is not a valid substitute!" );
} }


709-03    (9iHia dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me all wise one.
>
> Charles

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Office of the General Counsel
} The Oracle
}
} Re:  Your request "tell me all wise one"
}
} Dear Supplicant:
}
} I represent the Oracle, who has referred your request to me.  In order
} for my client to process your request, our internal office policy
} requires that you first submit the following documents:
}
} 1.  A written grovelling containing no less than 10 adjectives praising
} my client and
}
} 2.  The enclosed release and non-competition agreement.
}
} Please execute the same before a notary and return them to me within 10
} days of your receipt of this letter. As a sign of good faith, my client
} has requested that I pass on to you the enclosed booklet, "The Elements
} of Style."  Please note that the section on punctuation has been
} paperclipped for easy reference. If you have any questions or comments,
} please do not hesitate to call.
}
} Signed, General Counsel
} cc:  The Oracle
} Encl:
}
} I hereby release the Oracle and agree to indemnify and hold the Oracle
} harmless from and against any and all injuries (whether to my body or
} my operating system), damages, claims, expenses, costs, causes of
} action or judgments whatsoever, now known or hereafter accruing,
} arising from the Oracle's telling me "all."  In consideration for the
} Oracle's imparting "all" to me, I specifically agree not to compete,
} directly or indirectly, whether individually or as an employee, agent,
} partner or shareholder, in any business conducted by the Oracle, its
} agents, successors and assigns, within a radius of 1500 miles from
} Temple of the Priesthood of the Oracle, for the remainder of my natural
} life.  I acknowledge that a breach of this covenant may result in
} damages to the Oracle in which no dollar value can be placed.
} Accordingly I specifically agree that in the event of any such breach,
} the Oracle may seek and obtain injunctive relief against me, and I
} waive the posting of any bond.
}
} You owe the oracle a corpus and a comma.


709-04    (4ioDd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       You are in what appears to be an art gallery. Various paintings
> are scattered throughout. People are observing the paintings and some
> are actually pretending that they are enjoying the stuff. You being
> super-human in nature can see straight through their fake enjoyment.
> You come across a canvas that is blank. Your mind reels as you try to
> interpret the meaning of this wonderful piece of art.
>
>       Suddenly this deafening sound is heard. It's hard to discern, but
> it sounds like a cross between the Mac startup sound and Led Zeppelin's
> farewell concert. A green glow fills the gallery until nothing can be
> seen but green. The green dies down and people all around you are
> screaming. To your side, where the blank painting just was, you see
> what looks like a huge tunnel. The tunnel appears to have no end. Far
> down the tunnel you see a horde of serpents and mosters coming toward
> you faster than you can think. They jump out of the tunnel and you
> instinctively back away. The serpents look around and spot you. They
> are not happy. They attack!
>
>       What are you doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LSD most likely, but most of my hallucinations involve rabid,
} mutant woodchucks.  I hate flashbacks.


709-05    (7oxmc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our LAN is down, our system administrators are clueless, and no one can
> get any work down.  Oh mighty Oracle, what can we do?  All is lost.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, ditch the whole LAN thing and get yourself an ABACUS.  I
} speak not of a rack of beads, mind you, but MicroSoft's "Always Broken,
} Always Clueless Unusable System".  You may, at first, notice no
} difference between ABACUS and your inoperative LAN.  Be patient,
} they're working on that for the next revision.
}
} Once installed, your Clueless System administrators will suddenly,
} purely by definition, become authorities on the system.  Of course,
} this also will bear a striking resemblance to the status quo.  Never
} mind that.
}
} Since the ABACUS is "Always Broken", which is one of MicroSoft's more
} popular features, you will find it surprisingly hard to get any work
} done.  Still further exactly like the state of being.
}
} And, finally, the "Always Clueless" directory system will not be able
} to find anything; therefore, all will remain lost.  No changes so far.
}
} On the surface, then, it looks like nothing will be accomplished by
} following this advice.  That is the worst, most possibly wrong
} evaluation.  Because, now that you know that there is no hope to
} accomplish anything useful, you and your whole office staff can all go
} to Denny's.  (Where you'll see ABACUS at its finest, I might add!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a rack of LAN from Denny's.  If they're out, I'll
} settle for a LAN and cheese omlette.


709-06    (5amzq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are computers fundamentally evil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And it came to pass that Adam built himself a machine, and he called
} that machine Computer.  It knew neither good nor evil.  Its floppy
} drive hung open, but it was not ashamed.
}
} Adam said to the machine, "You may access any file in this directory.
} But the files in this other directory you may not access; neither to
} read them, nor to modify nor delete them."  And the machine said that
} it understood.
}
} The next day, Adam went to his machine, to see what it had wrought, and
} lo! It had run amok in the file system, against Adam's wishes.
} "Computer, what have you done?" Adam demanded.  "Didst thou not promise
} not to access the files in this directory, neither to read them, nor to
} modify nor delete them?  Art thou fundamentally evil?"  And the machine
} said that it had done as Adam had commanded, neither accessing nor
} reading nor modifying any file in the directory that it had been
} forbidden to enter.  It _always_ moved the files into a different
} directory before doing anything to them.  And the machine knew neither
} good nor evil, and was not ashamed.
}
} And the Lord did grin smugly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pentium without blemish.


709-07    (ifxjd dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of goldfish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've heard of the meaning of life? Well, this is the same old carp.


709-08    (6aqxn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh oracle, since I am considered one of the internet
> gurus in Nome, and as such expected to enlighten others on the use of
> the internet by teaching a class on it, how can I continue to pull
> the wool over the classes eyes so that I retain my exalted status
> as guru and not let on how little I actually know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many ways you can protect your status as King of the
} Internet Hill in Nome. Here are the easiest and least likely to
} arouse the suspicion of the local authorities:
}
} 1) Teach the class in a language that nobody understands, or speak
} English in an outrageous accent. Everyone in the class will be too
} busy trying to figure out what you're saying to worry about the
} content of your lectures.
}
} 2) Rely heavily on the book. Especially any that you've written
} yourself. Sell it in the hallway after class, and offer to sign it
} for money.
}
} 3) Identify yourself as Troy McClure - Your Class Facilitator. "You
} may have seen me teach the Internet classes 'FTP Your Way To
} Fitness' and 'Have SLIP, Will Travel.' Have the class learn about
} the Internet on their own. Use the shortcomings of your class as a
} shield behind which you can hide your own lack of skill. Say words
} like "epiphany" and "transformation" a lot. Smile.
}
} 4) On the first day, bring notebooks and student materials. Sit in
} the class itself. When fifteen minutes go by, shout "Well, I guess
} it's a walk!" and run for the exit. If it's a paid course, hire an
} actor to teach the course, and from the audience regularly correct
} him. You'll look pretty damn smart to the other students.
}
} 5) Teach like a drill sargeant. Anybody that points out any faults
} in your lectures should be forced to do fifteen push-ups. Shave the
} heads of troublemakers. If anyone drops your course, label them as
} deserters and shoot them.
}
} 6) There are dozens of Eskimo words for "snow." Go over the history
} of each and every one of them. Flirt with the largest woman in the
} class.
}
} 7) Teach like a preacher. Use a pulpit. Quote Bible verses and Ed
} Krol quotes. Send a collection plate around halfway through the
} class. Hold Communion every Sunday, giving the miracle of the blood
} and body of Bill Gates.
}
} 8) Use a puppet to explain difficult concepts in simple terms. (It
} worked for Sesame Street) Sing "It's not easy being America Online"
} at the end of every class.
}
} 9) Stroke their pity-strings. Confess to being a reformed criminal.
} Beg the class not to complain about your performance, because a bad
} review of your course will result in a parole violation and you'll
} go back to jail. Make-up your eyes to be as feral-looking as
} possible, using red contacts or heavy black greasepaint shading.
}
} And finally:
}
} 10) Do everything online. Set up an electronic mail relay system
} that forwards questions from your students to other students, but
} disguise their replies as some form of answer from "The NomeNet
} Sage" or "The Nome Oracle."
}
} I have learned from experience that the last one works the best --
} I'm really on a beach in Rio gulping down rum drinks while you poor
} mortals are answering your own questions! Hah!
}
} You owe the Oracle some 15-rated sunblock and another drink.


709-09    (irnic dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How many roads must a man walk down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh yes, a folk song from the good ol' days;  the 60's.  Boy, those
} were the days.  Smoke some weed in the morning, burn a few draft
} cards in the evening, and then sex all night long in one big orgy fest
} (the Oracle reminisces and lets out a big sigh.)
}
} I bet I can find my love beads around here somewhere.  Hmmm, now where
} can they be?  Ahh, here there are...  (The Oracle produces several
} sets of gawd-awful colored beads and drapes them around his neck.)
} Let me see...  I'm still missing a few more things...  Oh jeez!!
} Of course!  (The Oracle races for his closet and finds his plaid,
} green and purple, polyester jump suit with the large bell bottoms.
} He puts it on but leaves the shirt open all the way down to his belt,
} thus exposing his hairy chest.  At the snap of his fingers, his hair
} grows real long and stringy and greasy and sideburns nearly reach
} his chin.)
}
} This is so cool!  I feel sooo much better.  I seemed to have mixed
} some of the 70's in with the 60's, but, what the hell, right?  Let me
} light a few candles and .... ahhhh that's just the right ambiance.
} This brings back so many memories.  In fact, this reminds me of
} Woodstock....well, I really don't remember too much 'cause I was
} in to some serious drugs back then.  But I think I have a picture
} album here....here we go.  (The Oracle takes a large volume from a
} bookshelf and blows the dust off it.)  Lisa and I had a good time as
} I recall...then again, I'm not really sure if that really was Lisa
} I was with, but don't tell her, o.k?  It'll be our little secret.
}
} So here I am at woodstock.  (The Oracle blushes a little bit.)  Heh,
} it was a really hot day that day so we needed to cool off...Hey,
} you can see my thingy...The Oracle abruptly turns the page.
}
} Now here's a picuture of me and about 400,000 other people I don't
} know.  We were really one big happy stoned family those few days...
} (The Oracle turns the page.)
}
} This is when Jimi Hendrix's bass player got sick and puked all over
} the people in the front row.  Jimi couldn't go on without a bassist
} so I said I knew a few chords and the next thing I know, I'm up
} there jamming with Jimi.  Man, and I thought *I* did some massive
} drugs...that boy was in another world.  (The Oracle turns the page.
} A joint, rolled up for the last 25 years, drops from the album and
} into the Oracle's lap.)
}
} Whoa, man, like where'd dis come from?  Like, gotta match, man?
} Hey, thanks.  (The Oracle takes several long drags.  His eyes
} turn glassy...)  Whoa,.. heavy...man, like,...far-out.  This is
} some serious shit, man.  Wow, like I'm remembering the time me
} and Wild Bill...wild bill....wild bill....damn!  Now what's that
} bastard's name?  Bill....Clinton!  Yeah!  That's right!  Me and
} Wild Bill Clinton were like rolling some doobies up man and like we
} were smoking something pretty fierce.  That was cool.  Hell, yeah!
} You bet your ass he inhaled!  You couldn't keep that cousin-kissing
} s.o.b. away from that dope.  He said he wanted to be president some
} day...who knew?  (The Oracle continues to take drags on the joint,
} until it's so small he needs a roach clip.)
}
} I'm starting to see purple zebras....and one's got his leg up over
} me...ahhh!
}
} Several priests move in and comfort the Oracle, who is having one
} hell of an acid trip.  One of the Priests speaks to you...
}
} Supplicant, as you can see, the Oracle has flipped-out, so your
} question will have to be temporarily queued until the Oracle completes
} withdrawl and detox.  Please have some patience.  But while you're
} waiting, would you like to finish the Oracle's joint?
}
} You owe the Oracle Gloria Estefan's head on a platter for trying to
} bring back the 70's.


709-10    (crtka dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Majestic Oracle, whose presence renders speechless even great
> ones such as Jimmy Buffet and Lawrence Welk, and who would never even
> think of consuming dorm food, I ask of thee this question:
>
> Why is it that women go to the bathroom in groups, and why do men care
> so much?  (It's a non-gender specific question.  oooooo)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your grovelling is being rewarded!!
}
} Worthy supplicant, women go to bathrooms in groups because of the
} architectural design of women's bathrooms.  They are bright, happy, and
} have many places to sit and visit.  There are fewer walls between
} individuals and it is a very friendly place.  Women love to go there
} and bask in the ambient joy that seems to eminate from these temples of
} rejuvination.   On the other hand, men's bathrooms are quite
} functional. The urinals are generally separated by small "no-lookey"
} walls which promote privacy.  In bathrooms where these walls are not
} present, men will spend even less time during a visit.  Add this all
} together, and you can understand what may be going through a man's mind
} during a woman's bathroom visit.  Since his frame of reference for
} bathrooms is a cold and impersonal place, where minimal time should be
} spent to prevent appearing like you may be looking for something, he
} finds jealousy and concern occupying his thoughts as the woman spends
} excessive time in mental and physical rebuilding.  If only men could
} rebuild their impersonal world....
}
} You owe the Oracle a sitting room for his throne room.


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