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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:31:45 GMT

Internet Oracularities #71

Goto:
71, 71-01, 71-02, 71-03, 71-04, 71-05, 71-06, 71-07, 71-08, 71-09, 71-10


Usenet Oracularities #71
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 1 Dec 89 15:03:52 GMT

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71-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to go about getting laid in Pittsburgh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.


71-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will happen if Anthony Meyer defeats Margaret Thatcher in the
> leadership election?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look here son, here I am in this gawd awful cave...  damp rot seeping up
} from the floor to my knee joints...  the back of my Wimpy's duffle coat
} as sodden as a discarded tampax in the gutter...  can't even get a
} decent slice of toast anywhere...  and as for the price of Robertson's
} lemmon curd...  well you can't get it for love nor money.
}
} And then you come along and have the nerve to ask me questions about
} English politics.  I think that is insufferable that as Oracle I have to
} ply my trade in this damp stench filled cave, and that you being fully
} aware of my plight should be so inconsiderate as to ask me a foolish
} question that in the light of eternity has no meaning what so ever.
}
} If you could fix me up with a duplex in lower Manhatten and provide me
} two buckets of oysters, then I might give you question more
} consideration.
}
} The only morsel that I can give you is to say that many women aspire to
} act like men but very few of them act like gentlemen.  This fits
} Thatcher perfectly.  I am also of the opinion that all matters political
} should be decided in the boxing ring...  naked.  Put Marg and Anton in
} the ring for a few rounds...  hire Madison Square gardens for the
} fight...  sell tickets at $1000 a head...  and may the best man win.
} Politicians loose all credibility when they stand naked in a boxing ring
} with those big red gloves on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Strawberry/Cornish clotted cream/rye bread/sandwich
}                    with a double portion or garlic on the side.


71-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Brooke Shields really a woman ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it is a proprietary concrete product used for damming streams.


71-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Dvorak's fifth symphony numbered 3?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Due to the precedent set by L.  Von Beethoven, who wrote only 9
} symphonies and lost his hearing due to syphilis, symphonic composers
} feared both proliferation and sexually transmitted diseases.  Anton
} Dvorak's awareness of his prowess, his ability to do it 11 times, knew
} he would temp fate by pursuing satisfaction and therefore intialized his
} Opus counter to -1.
}
} In Dvorak's own mind, we conjecture, he was practicing safe sextet.


71-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, what are the top 10 computer science grad schools?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "From the home office in Madison, Wisconsin, we have the top ten CS
}  grad schools!  Anton, a drum roll please...
}
} 10 - The Southwest Idaho School for Potential Introverts
}
} 9  - Central Kansas College of the Pathetic
}
} 8  - (G)eorgia (E)xtra (E)asy (K)ollege of the (S)ciences
}
} 7  - Silicon Valley U
}
} 6  - Minnesota
}
} 5  - Northern California Institute for the Depressingly Inept
}
} 4  - Bob's Sixty Minute Degree Shop on I-94 just north of Chicago
}
} 3  - East Texas School for the Irritatingly Dull
}
} 2  - Purdue
}
} And the number one CS grad school is...
}
} "Closing down 'cuz there are too many of them in 2 through 9!!!"
}
} {Canned Applause, the band playing 'Tequilla'}


71-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORACLE MOST WISE TELL ME WHAT IS A YET?  I READ IN THE PAPER THAT A GIRL
> WAS SHOT AND THIS MORNING THE BULLET WAS IN HER YET.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't know what a girl's yet is then you're in sad shape buster.
} Everyone knows a girl's yet is between her besides.


71-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm going to Japan for a couple of weeks.  I've heard that they are very
> formal there, that etiquette is very important.  I've also heard that
> they like things and people to be uniform and orderly.  Can you give me
> pointers on what and what not to do?  (By the way, it will be very
> difficult for me to look uniform, I'm a guy with really long hair and I
> shave the sides of my head)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When visiting Japan, do not:
}   1. Use chop sticks unless you are experienced.
}   2. Refer to the local police chief as "Hong Kong Fuey".
}   3. Mention Pearl Harbor.
}   4. Try to find a Chinese restaurant.
}   5. Let your hair dangle in the Teriaki sauce.
}
} Alternatively, pretend you are rock star.


71-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was the best thing to come out of the Eighties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With such a culturally enriching decade as the 80s, the Oracle has great
} difficulty making up its mind as to its greatest contribution to
} mankind.  But difficulty cannot deter the great wisdom of the Oracle,
} and thus the answer is:
}
} Undoubtedly, the Rubik's Cube.
}
} You owe the oracle a lava lamp, a pet rock and a racoon hat.


71-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, why is it that my great prowess with a computer fails
> to impress women and land me the babes I so obviously deserve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because women are not physically interested in prowess with a computer.
} They are interested in prowess with something else whose blood supply is
} cut off by extended use of a computer.


71-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a friend of mine owns Piranhas and runs around campus naked, should I
> be worried about him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This morning I received a msg.
}
} > Dear oracle, a friend of mine is continuously busy with his computer.
} > He doesn't even react to such fun things as running around campus
} > naked.  What can I do to prevent him from becoming one of those
} > computer-addepted-dickheads as there allready are so much around
} > here ?  BTW:  what's the best thing to feed to phyranas in summer ?
}
} So you may call yourself lucky that you have a friend like that one
} who's so concerned about you.  Get away from that terminal and try to
} have some real fun.  Start gradually:  run around naked in the computer
} room, then try to run around campus and you may even arrive to the
} ultimate pleasure:  running the marathon naked.


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