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Internet Oracularities #710

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710, 710-01, 710-02, 710-03, 710-04, 710-05, 710-06, 710-07, 710-08, 710-09, 710-10


Usenet Oracularities #710    (84 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 10:07:13 -0500

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   710
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

710   84 votes 9rph6 5qsk5 bBqa0 dvqb3 7hqmc xlcd5 lum92 2itpa 53fyr cbihq
710   2.9 mean  2.8   2.9   2.4   2.5   3.2   2.2   2.3   3.3   3.9   3.4


710-01    (9rph6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         i'm underdog!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Doug, as you've probably noticed already, it's primarily a
} hallucinogen. (You are NOT underdog. If you don't believe me now, wait
} a few more hours until the drug wears off.)
}
} Far more interesting, though, is the way that the drug compresses your
} thoughts into the most compact form possible. It took me nearly a
} second to comprehend your message, but then all was clear.
}
} For the non-Oracularly inspired among you, the full text of his
} message can be revealed by anagramming the letters of the surface
} message. First, the grovel:
}
} > Unmired God,
}
} then, the question:
}
} > [What does the] drug in me do?
}
} and finally, the signature:
}
} > Doug D. Miner
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of gzip that can do that.


710-02    (5qsk5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'O wise powerful Thayne Taylor Look Alike Oracle
>  Why are there so many problems with Hawai'i On-
> line? :)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thayne Taylor... you really think so?  Pardon me while I glance in the
} mirror. Yes, yes, I can see how you might think that.  Of course, you
} demean me by comparing me to a mortal.  I should turn you into a
} woodchuck, but I'll let it slide this time.
}
} Hawaii On-line has been plagued by problems since its inception.  Much
} of this trouble has arisen due to inadequate education of its users.
} Let's take a look at some examples.
}
}       (1)  Stack overflow in the Waikiki sector.  Thousands of users,
}          eager to "surf" the Web, failed to observe the usage
}          timetables posted by the Five-O daemon.  As a result, so many
}          surfboard routines were simultaneously executed that all
}          processes ground to a halt.
}
}       (2)  Inadequate security procedures.  Since the customs daemon
}          was written in BASIC, by a six-year-old, who had never even
}          been to Hawaii, it was not particularly robust.  Hackers were
}          able to break in using a variety of backdoors, such as "push
}          past customs agent", "nothing to declare", "^C", and "it's OK,
}          I'm just here to see the volcano."  Needless to say, this
}          caused some havoc.
}
}       (3)  Flame wars.  When IsleNet was creating Hawaii On-line, they
}          were foolish enough to sell the volcano contract to Prometheus
}          Systems. Not surprisingly, it wasn't long before the users
}          were slinging flaming globs of molten lava at one another.
}          Not to mention the giant bins of hot coals in the luau sector.
}          Those grass skirts burn like tinder, I might add.  Things
}          really got hot once the Kauai Committee for Public Decency got
}          in the act.
}
} On the other hand, it was not quite as bad as it sounds.  The number of
} shark daemons increased ten thousand-fold shortly after a hacker named
} Tikitikitava broke into the system.  This did wonders for the crowds at
} Waikiki, and almost all the excess sharks promptly died of indigestion,
} restoring the balance of the eco-simulator.
}
} To sum up, Hawaii On-line neither made nor enforced enough rules to run
} efficiently.  By contrast, Eastern Block On-line has had the opposite
} problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a one-year subscription to Delphi.


710-03    (bBqa0 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle who makes that lot at Delphi look like a bunch of
> real losers, please answer me this
>
> What color is the sky in your world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle looks upward, sees the sky a shade of pinky-orangey-peachy,
} and blushes slightly. With a few mouse clicks a window appears on The
} Oracular XTerm with sliders for red/blue/green. A flash of mousework
} follows....
}
} Supplicant, it's a really masculine deep blue colour, bluer than the
} clearest stretch of tropical ocean.
}
} You owe The Oracle a re-education video for birds.


710-04    (dvqb3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh, most wonderful and scrumpdillyicious Oracle, which flavor of Ben
> and Jerry's ice cream shall i try first? i've never had it before.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You really don't have much coice in the matter; Ben usually can
} be seen eating Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, while Jerry's favorite is,
} of course, Cherry Garcia.
}
}       Of course, neither Ben nor Jerry will appreciate you walking up
} to them and simply stealing their ice cream out of their hands.  You
} might try asking first, and be content with what they give you.
}
} You owe the Oracle controlling interest in Breyer's Ice Cream, Inc.


710-05    (7hqmc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Yawink dwaddle trusit plink daw gont oint quop pims?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The immediately obvious answer, of course, is "<PLONK>."
}
} However, if you take a bit of time to think the implications through,
} you'll see that actually, that is a gross over-simplification and that
} many cognizent factors have been overlooked.  What about "mairzydoats
} andozeedoats?"  What of "Ying tong iddle eye po?"  And there's always
} the classic "Nie!"
}
} However, I think that Spider Robinson perhaps said it best when he told
} us a gripping tale of espionage and comedy gone sadly wrong.  It seems
} that a Soviet spy ring had been operating from the cover of the Monty
} Python fan group at Ramstein Air Force Base.  The fan group would every
} couple of months print up a 64 page book entitled "Spam" (named after
} their favorite sketch) filled with nothing but "Spam, spam, spam, spam,
} spam, spam, spam..."  You get the point.
}
} Anyway, imagine the numbing effect that this would have on the guards
} who would inspect the thousand copies that would be shipped out all
} over the world by the fan group on a bimonthly basis.  The spies would
} insert their coded message in the form of pinpricks on one of the pages
} of one of the shipments.  They were only caught recently by a Soviet
} defector.
}
} The moral of the story -- and, not coincientally, the answer to your
} question -- is this:
}
} "No one inspects the Spammish Repetition."
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing for this; imagining the agony inflicted upon
} you by getting this answer is all the payment I need.


710-06    (xlcd5 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Wise Oracle, whose party gags are always funny, even if they
> involve lamp-shades, and whose pickup lines are always succesfull, even
> if they involve the Zodiac, please enlighten your supplicant on the
> following:
>
>       What is the best pickup line in history?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} after years of careful observation, I have come up with this:
}
} Hi Baby, want to have sex?
}
} Thank you, thank you!


710-07    (lum92 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will we get beautiful kittens from Strolch, the most gorgeous and
> wisest of all Siamese cats ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Felicitous Philanderer--
}       Of course (wheeze) you w-w-will-ATCHOO!!  T-t-the
} Sia-sia-(wheeeeze)-meese (pant,pant) bhreeds, beeyoodifully.  ATCHOO!
} ATCHOO!
}
} You owe De Oracle One Good (wheeze) dose ub anyhistameen.


710-08    (2itpa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How can one categorically say that penguins ARE happier than
> chickens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consider the results of a recent survey:
}
} Species:          Chicken
} Abode:            One room coop, with chicken-wire patio
} Occupation:       Laying eggs, one per day
} Hobbies:          Pecking at other chickens' feet; pecking at own feet;
}                   staring up into the sky when it rains
} Party activities: Pecking at other chickens' feet; pecking at own feet
} Last book read:   Jonathan Livingston Seagull
}
} Species:          Penguin
} Abode:            Ice floe
} Occupation:       None
} Hobbies:          Catching fish, sliding on the snow
} Party activities: Twister, dipping flippers in glass to play with the
}                   ice cubes, making up penguin jokes
} Last book read:   Watership Down
}
} Penguins, on average, are 78% happier than chickens.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Number 2 pencil and three sheets of scratch
} paper.


710-09    (53fyr dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                               Ferret and Coon
>                                               Attorneys at Law
>                                               Washington DC
> U.N. Oracle
> University of Chicago
> Chicago, Illinois.
>
> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
> We are writing to inform you of an impending class-action lawsuit filed
> by the Society for Groundhog Preservation (SGP) on behalf of the
> species Arctomys monax.
>
> SGP claims that you have subjected Arctomys monax to wrongful Zotting
> and attempted genocide.  Individuals have reported that your practices
> are responsible for symptoms including, but not limited to:
>
>       Sterilization
>       Loss of appetite
>       Electrocution
>       Depression
>       Muscle spasms
>       Blindness
>       Epilepsy
>       Halitosis
>       Birth defects
>       Death
>
> Furthermore, the species Arctomys monax has actively done nothing to
> warrant such persecution.  In particular, members of Arctomys monax
> should not be held accountable for their inability to process lumber;
> nor can they be blamed for the linguistic confusion of the species Homo
> sapien.
>
> Pending action on the lawsuit, we have obtained a temporary restraining
> order forbidding any and all Zotting of members of Arctomys monax, SGP,
> or the attorneys representing said parties.
>
> We are requesting damages amounting to five hundred thousand (500,000)
> cords of chucked wood.
>
> Sincerely yours,
>                       Ferret and Coon
>                       Attorneys at Law
>                       Washington DC

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                  Dewey, Cheatum, & Howe
}                                  Legal Eagles
}                                  New York, NY
} Ferret and Coon
} Attorneys at Law
} Washington DC
}
} Dear Sirs:
}
} Surely you must have better things to do than to extort lumber
} from a poor, omniscient being who has devoted his entire life
} to answering the questions that torture mankind. If you insist
} on bringing this silly lawsuit to court, it will be instantly
} thrown out due to the following:
}
}    1. You are harassing the wrong Oracle.  Our client is
}       T.U. Oracle and lives in INDIANA, not ILLINOIS.  We
}       suggest that you send your threats to the right
}       person next time.
}
}    2. Our client has NEVER zotted any woodland creature and
}       even if he had, you have no proof.
}
}    3. Our client is not responsible for some of the more
}       zealous actions of a lunatic fringe with serious
}       unresolved childhood issues.
}
}    4. Woodchucks have always had halitosis.  They wouldn't
}       know a Tic-Tac if it bit them in the a**.
}
}    5. Our client is familiar with the seedy motel where the
}       judge goes to "deliberate".
}
}    6. Our client knows about that little slush fund of yours
}       that you've neglected to mention to the IRS.
}
}    7. Our client knows about the SGP's frequent woodchuck
}       parties and the various unmentionable acts that occur
}       during said events.
}
}    8. Our client is an immortal deity and therefore not
}       subject to the laws of man.
}
} In response to this ridiculous and groundless harrassment, we
} are counter-suing for the sum of $1 million, court costs, and
} the right to *ZOT* those who bring lawsuits against the Oracle.
} We can't wait to see you in court.  You haven't got a prayer.
}
}                                  Disrespectfully yours,
}
}                                  Annie Howe
}                                  Partner


710-10    (cbihq dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Does it actually feel good to lick a frozen flagpole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracality Central. The supplicant has been transported to stand in
} front of the Oracle himself. Naturally, he has been supplied with
} Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses to protect himself from the Oracle's
} brillance. The crowd behind him cheers and applauds as the Oracle
} sits on a la-z-boy and puts his feet up, then grows silent as the
} Oracle raises a hand and points to the supplicant.]
}
} Oracle: Naughty, naughty supplicant... do you not deem me, the
}         ever-present Oracle, worthy of even the simplest grovel?
}
} [People in the background start to hiss and boo.]
}
} Supplicant: [panicked look] Uh, well... you know... my parents
}             were both Pepsi addicts, and I was abused by a woodchuck
}             as a baby...
}
} Oracle: That is no excuse for a downright hearty grovel, however.
}
} Supplicant: [hangs head] I'm sorry! Really! I'll make it up to you!
}             I promise!
}
} [Background chanting of "Zot! Zot! Zot!" begins.]
}
} Oracle: [to crowd] Alright, that's enough. Go home... nothing to
}         see here.
}
} [As the crowd disperses, the mighty Oracle gets up and walks over to
} where the supplicant stands, his Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses completely
} blackened.]
}
} Oracle: [pats supplicant on shoulder] Look, I can understand if it
}         was just your first question. [snaps fingers, la-z-boy appears
}         behind him] Why don't you have a seat, and we'll talk about
}         this, ok? [removes supplicant's sunglasses]
}
} Supplicant: [sitting down slowly] O- ok...
}
} Oracle: [walks around la-z-boy] All right, as I see it, you just
}         wanted to know if it actually felt good to lick a frozen
}         flagpole. Let me ask you something... how does it feel to lick
}         a popsicle?
}
} Supplicant: [cheerily] Pretty good! Especially the grape ones, they're
}             always...
}
} [Oracle cuts off supplicant with a look.]
}
} Oracle: So it feels good. And what about licking frozen yogurt?
}         Does that make you feel good?
}
} Supplicant: [nods] Yes, I 'spose.
}
} Oracle: Good, good. Do you always do things that make you feel good?
}
} Supplicant: Well, I try to, but sometimes...
}
} Oracle: [interrupting] Well, that's all fine and dandy, isn't it.
}         [pauses] Now do you remember any of your geometry?
}
} Supplicant: [nods vigourously] Yeah!
}
} Oracle: And so you know that if two triangles have similar sides,
}         angles, etc.  they themselves must be similar, right?
}
} Supplicant: Well...
}
} Oracle: Well, look at a popsicle and a flagpole. Other than size
}         and color, they're similar shapes, similar temperatures, similar
}         textures...
}
} Supplicant: [interrupting] But what does that have to do with frozen
}             yogurt?
}
} Oracle: [glares] Never interrupt the Oracle when I'm on a roll,
}         supplicant.  [pauses, clears throat] As I was saying, the
}         popsicle and flagpole have similar qualities, therefore they
}         must be similar. Obviously, licking a popsicle makes one feel
}         good, therefore, by simple geometry, licking a frozen flagpole
}         must have the same effect.
}
} Supplicant: [nods] Okaaay, but...
}
} [The Oracle snaps his fingers and the la-z-boy disappears out from
} under the supplicant, who crashes to the floor. Next to the supplicant
} is a frozen flagpole.]
}
} Oracle: Go ahead. Give it a try. [smiles warmly] I'll be right here
}         the entire time.
}
} [The supplicant looks at the Oracle for a moment, then tentatively
} sticks his tongue out and licks the frozen flagpole.]
}
} Supplicant: AAAAAAA!!!! I'm sthuck!!
}
} Oracle: Hmm. But does it feel good?
}
} Supplicant: NO!! Hellth me get unsthuck!!
}
} Oracle: [walking away] I was sure that it would... it was all so
}         logical...
}
} [The Oracle snaps his fingers and a book entitled _Math Analysis and
} Logic For Engineers_ appears. He flips through the pages quickly as
} he walks out of the chamber.]
}
} Supplicant: HEY!! Ahn't thew gointh to hellth me??
}
} Oracle: [muttering] Two questions without groveling?? [sighs] People
}         just don't have any manners anymore...
}
} [*ZOT*]
}
} You owe the Oracle a bucket of warm water and a case of cherry
} popsicles.


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