} Dear Supplicant,
} These dating lists are not what you may have been led to believe.
} Oh, sure, they claim to help match people to their perfect partners
} for lots of mad, passionate sex, but in reality they're just a scam.
} Shown below in the left column is an ACTUAL solicitation for an email
} dating list I saw a few months ago; in the right column is my oracular
} interpretation of what it actually means.
} === The Ad === === What it really means ===
} THE INTERNET CONNECTION Innocuous title, at least it
} doesn't contain the odious words
} "Infor*****n Sup*******ay"
} There is now a service for Internet
} that can bring together compatible compatible = any 2 primates
} matching others to your particular sight-impaired geeks never
} way of viewing the world. get dates, even with this service.
} Once our extensive questionnaire See above definition of
} is completed, compatibility scores compatibility. You aren't even
} of 80% or higher will be matched. guaranteed a primate!
} Each member of the Internet
} Connection is guaranteed at least
} one electronic mail adress per Yes, you'll get an "adress", not
} month, or there will be no charge an address.
} for that period.
} When a match has been made, each
} member will receive a copy of a
} portion of the other's
} questionnaire, of which no Non-personal information is your
} personal information will be shoe size and golf handicap.
} given out.
} The members can then contact each
} other with a foreknowledge of Typical commonality: both are
} what they share in common. geeks
} If you're interested in becoming
} a member of the Internet We've changed the email address
} Connection, please respond to this to protect the innocent, but this
} post or write an e-mail to message did come from a site
} email@example.com with any questions well-known for being the source
} you may have. of spam and spewage.
} There is a non-refundable, Just one new sucker a month and
} processing fee of $20 to begin he covers the cost of his account.
} your membership, followed by a The rest is profit, since the
} monthly charge of $5. Visual Basic program that does
} the matching was free.
} Please keep in mind that the What sort of compatibility can
} members you will be matched with this guy promise if he can't even
} may not be in your state. If match the two letters in your
} this is a problem for you, state's abbreviation?
} please reconsider joining.
} The Internet Connection accepts Tried to be PC, but forgot about
} members of all race, sex and religion, veteran status, and
} preference. physical/mental/social disability.
} Since this service is just
} beginning, we will waive the
} initiation fee for the first
} 100 members. Once we've receive You'd be number 101 -- what a
} 100 applicants, we will begin coincidence!
} sending out questionnaires.
} We'll introduce you; you can Laughable, considering the message
} take it from there. was posted to *.singles and
} *.personals groups everywhere!
} Look, supplicant, rather than bother with shysters like this, select
} a person of the sex you're interested in and ask him/her/it on a date.
} Have you ever been on a date? Oh, you haven't. Well, try it. And move
} out of your parents' basement.