[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:50:47 GMT

Internet Oracularities #711

Goto:
711, 711-01, 711-02, 711-03, 711-04, 711-05, 711-06, 711-07, 711-08, 711-09, 711-10


Usenet Oracularities #711    (95 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 16:38:02 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   711
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

711   95 votes 9dpxf 3nouf euxf3 1evAd 1eqyk 8gtwa bjvp9 jvlea 7fsmn 4lltk
711   3.2 mean  3.3   3.3   2.6   3.5   3.6   3.2   3.0   2.6   3.4   3.4


711-01    (9dpxf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise Oracle,
> whose majesty reigns glorious,
> whose orb transcends all,
>
> please tell me:
>
> Is it only in England where people can have whole conversations along
> the lines of how to drive from A to B ?
>
> e.g. "You don't want to go that way. You want to take the A318 to the
> ringroad, just past the Elsbury turnoff, and then it's best to turn
> down the B3407 to Sandhurst, except on Tuesdays, of course, when it's
> market day in Little Botherington, and then ..."
>
> Hmm!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   No, of course not.  We have those conversations here in the States,
} too, but they tend to be a bit more terse.  While the Brits can ramble
} on endlessly about the history of a particular stretch of roadway, our
} directions are concise and to the point:
}
}  Driver: Excuse me, Sir, could you tell ..
}  Man: You have ten seconds to get off my land, buddy, or I will
}       exercise my Constitutional right to kill you.
}  Driver: <accelerates away>
}  Man: Not fast enough!
}  Gun: Blam!
}
}   Urban drivers have similar problems.  In England, the drivers have to
} stop every fifteen minutes to get their bearings after driving on the
} wrong side of the road for so long.  This invariably leads to droning
} discussions of the road matrix.  In the U.S., of course, we don't
} belabor the point.
}
}  Same Driver: Excuse me, Sir?  When you finish urinating on the
}               sidwalk, could I have a word?
}  Different Man: <hacking cough> Got five bucks?
}  Driver: Uh.. sure.  Here you are.  Can you tell me how to get to
}          Indiana?  It's rather urgent.  This woodchuck question has
}          been bothering me for weeks.
}  Man: You jus' go down t' the MiniMart and as' t' see the map.
}  Driver: Oh.  Of course.  How do I get to the MiniMart?
}  Man: Got five bucks?
}
}  <A few hours later>
}
}  Driver: Good evening.  I was hoping that...
}  Clerk: Jesus H. Christ!  Most people that come through here downgrade
}         their title to "Pedestrian" before they enter the store!
}  Driver: Sorry.  I had to use my braking and exhaust system to pay the
}          gentlemen who gave me directions at 23rd and Tyler.  Anyway,
}          could I use your map?
}  Clerk: Did you buy gas?
}  Driver: Um, no.  I don't really need..
}  Clerk: I can't give you directions unless you buy gas.  Or a Slurpee.
}
}   As you see, humble supplicant, England does not hold a monopoly on
} friendly and educational conversation.  Unfortunately.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a back path to quartz.rutgers.edu.


711-02    (3nouf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Omniscient Oracle, please tell me, your humble supplicant;
>
> What is a mojo, and how can I tell if mine is workin'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So I'm at the HoJo down in SoHo eating a Hostess Ho-Ho with my cocoa
} when some hobo askes me, the Oracle, for my ol' O-know on his mojo.  So
} although I'm thinking "Oh, no!" and telling the mofo bozo to go or I'll
} stow my toe in his downbelow, I know that that would be a low blow.  So
} when the dumb Joe Shmoe looks like he'll give me only slow-mo until I
} tell him what I know, I say "Look, you'd know if your mojo was ready to
} go, but if you don't know, then no, your mojo is a no-go or at best
} only so-so."
}
} Yo, you owe the big O a yo-yo.


711-03    (euxf3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most worldly-wise
>     Pleasing to my dazzled eyes
> It seems that now I have been cursed
>     To supplicate in half-assed verse
>
> I've summarized my trying trouble
>     So help me now--on the double!
> Oh sorry now, did I offend?
>     This curse just shown an ugly trend.
>
> Oracle! Perform your art!
>     Prove you can do more than fart!
> (I told you once, I told you twice
>     This rhyming curse just isn't nice.)
>
> If you can help me speak in prose,
>     I'll eat the jam between your toes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously you're in a mess.
}    (I doubled over in stiches,
}    Doing WHAT with those witches?)
} But I'll help you with my best,
}    It should go well, without hitches.
}    For further help, you may need pictures.
}
} All good cures start off by travelling west.
}    So set off into the setting sun,
}    And here we strike problem one.
} To reach the sun, a rocket's best,
}    But to pay for it, ahh there's the fun!
}    See what the Administration has undone!
}
} So perhaps we'll go for the next option.
}
} Eye of newt, toe of frog, wing of bat...forget all that!
} Hunting animals is pathetically weak to overcome the way you speak.
} Hmm let me see, what have we here?  Do I look as if I care?
} Oh I know there's a job to do, but asking me, well I ask you...
}
} ...You may have answered your own question.
}    Look amongst your lines of verse.
} Hidden within is your solution
}    Your tounge will help you to reherse,
} Having toejam in your digestion.
}    I know this seems quite perverse,
} But I the Oracle have your solution!
}
} Just put your foot into you mouth
}    And lick it all around.
} Now do the same for your spouse
}    Don't complain, not a sound!
}
} Now you feet fill up your face,
}    Distasteful it is to speak,
} In words that tumble in a race,
}    And send us off to sleep!
}
} This may all sound quite outreageous,
} And in places, almost dangerous,
} But have faith and be courgeous
} I just hope it isn't contagous!
}
} The Oracle now has great fears,
} You owe a book of Pam Ayers!


711-04    (1evAd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...oh mighty Oracle
>
> Why is it, whenever I have an exam, the less I revise, the better I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sounds like you're suffering from a classic case of brain fatigue.
}
} You see, by the time you finish a test, your brain is fatigued.  When
} you go back and revise your answers, your brain stumbles just like a
} marathon runner in the last leg of a race and you screw up your
} perfectly reasonable answers with poor corrections.
}
} You need to do some brain exercises.  Let's do some together.  (The
} Oracle, being a pro at brain aerobics, will hold back so not to
} outpace you.)
}
} First, let's do some cranial stretching.  Think all the way to
} infinity.  Now think all the way to negative infinity.  Now back to
} positive infinity.  Now back to negative infinity.  Now back to
} positive infinity.  Now back to negative infinity.  Now back to
} positive infinity.  Keep it up!  Now back to negative infinity.  Now
} back to positive infinity.  Now back to negative infinity.  Now back
} to positive infinity.  Feel the burn!  Now back to negative infinity.
} Now back to positive infinity.  Now back to negative infinity.  Now
} back to positive infinity.  OK, that's enough stretching.
}
} Now let's do some hemisphere presses.  First, construct a poem from
} the viewpoint of a gnarled old oak tree.  Now, derive a generalized
} function for the volume of a pyramid with a n-gon base.  Now, compare
} and contrast Homer's _Iliad_ with _2001: A Space Odyssey_.  Now,
} compute the pH of 50ml of solution that required 120ml of 5M NaOH to
} neutralize.  Fingerpaint.  Do some logic puzzles.  Write a novella.
} Program a computer.
}
} Whew!  We're really working up a sweat here!  (I use "we" in the
} clinical sense; I'm not even warmed up.)  Time to cool down.  Plop
} yourself in front of the tube.  Start watching "Masterpiece Theatre"
} and work yourself down to "Married with Children."
}
} Feeling better?  Thought so!  Now, go out and ace those classes!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Jane Fonda's Calculus for Beginners."


711-05    (1eqyk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> great and all knowing oracle i have herd of people on email getting
> put on this dating list several times.  exactly what is it and how can
> a person obtain one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} These dating lists are not what you may have been led to believe.
} Oh, sure, they claim to help match people to their perfect partners
} for lots of mad, passionate sex, but in reality they're just a scam.
} Shown below in the left column is an ACTUAL solicitation for an email
} dating list I saw a few months ago; in the right column is my oracular
} interpretation of what it actually means.
}
}       === The Ad ===                  === What it really means ===
}
}      THE INTERNET CONNECTION          Innocuous title, at least it
}                                       doesn't contain the odious words
}                                       "Infor*****n Sup*******ay"
}
} There is now a service for Internet
} that can bring together compatible    compatible = any 2 primates
} people,
}
} matching others to your particular    sight-impaired geeks never
} way of viewing the world.             get dates, even with this service.
}
} Once our extensive questionnaire      See above definition of
} is completed, compatibility scores    compatibility.  You aren't even
} of 80% or higher will be matched.     guaranteed a primate!
}
} Each member of the Internet
} Connection is guaranteed at least
} one electronic mail adress per        Yes, you'll get an "adress", not
} month, or there will be no charge     an address.
} for that period.
}
} When a match has been made, each
} member will receive a copy of a
} portion of the other's
} questionnaire, of which no            Non-personal information is your
} personal information will be          shoe size and golf handicap.
} given out.
}
} The members can then contact each
} other with a foreknowledge of         Typical commonality: both are
} what they share in common.            geeks
}
} If you're interested in becoming
} a member of the Internet              We've changed the email address
} Connection, please respond to this    to protect the innocent, but this
} post or write an e-mail to            message did come from a site
} name@host.dom with any questions      well-known for being the source
} you may have.                         of spam and spewage.
}
} There is a non-refundable,            Just one new sucker a month and
} processing fee of $20 to begin        he covers the cost of his account.
} your membership, followed by a        The rest is profit, since the
} monthly charge of $5.                 Visual Basic program that does
}                                       the matching was free.
}
} Please keep in mind that the          What sort of compatibility can
} members you will be matched with      this guy promise if he can't even
} may not be in your state. If          match the two letters in your
} this is a problem for you,            state's abbreviation?
} please reconsider joining.
}
} The Internet Connection accepts       Tried to be PC, but forgot about
} members of all race, sex and          religion, veteran status, and
} preference.                           physical/mental/social disability.
}
} Since this service is just
} beginning, we will waive the
} initiation fee for the first
} 100 members. Once we've receive       You'd be number 101 -- what a
} 100 applicants, we will begin         coincidence!
} sending out questionnaires.
}
} We'll introduce you; you can          Laughable, considering the message
} take it from there.                   was posted to *.singles and
}                                       *.personals groups everywhere!
}
} Look, supplicant, rather than bother with shysters like this, select
} a person of the sex you're interested in and ask him/her/it on a date.
} Have you ever been on a date?  Oh, you haven't.  Well, try it.  And move
} out of your parents' basement.


711-06    (8gtwa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh mighty and fine oracle please give advice unto me with your ever so
> pure wisdom.....................
>
>       why cant I just be happy with the way things are.  i always get
> so stressed out over things that I have no control over--- help me
> before I go insane.....................................................

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} fate (n) - the principle or determining cause or will by which things
}            in general are believed to come to be as they are or events
}            happen as they do : syn. destiny
}
} Blleeaaaccccyhhhh!  Once again Merriam-Webster is no help at all.  Let
} me see if I can clear things up for you a bit.
}
} fate (n) - 1. the force that causes you to run out of gas just as you
}            are pulling up to a filling station  2. the force that
}            causes you to bump into your beautiful ex-SO just as the
}            both of you are just ending relationships unamicably and are
}            missing each other 3. the force that causes you to zone out
}            on the way home, miss your exit on the highway, making you
}            take a way you usually don't; and, in the process, detouring
}            you around the five-car collision that would have tied you
}            up for over an hour  4. the force that blows out two tires
}            on your professor's car the day the mid-term you didn't have
}            time to study for was supposed to be  5. the force that
}            causes someone to mail an anonymous check to a charitable
}            organization that no longer exists whose address was one
}            letter off from yours but illegible on the envelope  6. the
}            force that causes a major gust of wind to alter the path of
}            the stray bullet that ordinarily would have hit you square
}            in the back of the skull but instead whizzes harmlessly past
}            your ear 7. the force that causes you to trip and fall just
}            as a silent maniac stalker is about to swing for your head
}            with an axe  8. the force that causes the sadistic
}            cartoon-loving criminal to buy the brand-name rope instead
}            of the cheap rope, so that when he cuts a strand, it takes
}            five seconds longer to break than was planned for, and
}            instead of getting beaned you walk casually under, oblivious
}            : syn. dumb luck
}
} Moral - don't worry about control.  I'd say we're in pretty good hands.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new frikkin' dictionary.


711-07    (bjvp9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for
> this your humble supplicant:
>
> Why does my brain hurt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's an interesting question, and reminds me of a funny story...
}
} It was almost lunchtime, and the little boy said to his mother, "Mommy,
} my stomach hurts..."
}
} "That's because there's nothing in it," said the mother.
}
} "Oh."  And so they ate dinner...
}
} Later on, the pastor of the local church came over, and mentioned that
} he had a terrible headache.
}
} Said the little boy, "That's because there's nothing in it."
}
} Soooooo, when you ask why your brain hurts...
}
} You owe the Oracle the Star Trek ep. "Spock's Brain".


711-08    (jvlea dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am Pentium of Borg.  You will be approximated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Approximation is as approximation does!  The
} enema always attacks from the rear.


711-09    (7fsmn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do kids pee the bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Because it drowns the monsters underneath.
}   You owe the Oracle a rubber sheet.


711-10    (4lltk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will our move to Amsterdam from Canada in August be a success?  Will my
> position with SupportNet prove fruitful?
>
> Oh wise Oracle, please, ease this mental uncertainty...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for writing to the Oracular Friends Network.  Your query will
} be billed directly and discreetly to your home Access Provider account
} at $3.99 per kb of the response message.
}
} Your message has been queued.  There are 255 questions ahead of yours.
}
} While you are waiting, check out these testimonials from other
} satisfied supplicants.
}
} "I was beside myself with worry.  I tried clapping with one hand until
} I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, but I never heard a doggone thing.
} Then a friend recommended the Oracle.  He had to type my message,
} because my arm was numb and twitching.  I got my answer in no time, and
} I'm back to a normal life with only a 40% loss of mobility.  It's
} funny, in all that arm-swinging I never heard anything that sounded
} like *zot*, but the Oracle knows best, I guess..."
}
} Your message has been queued.  There are 113 questions ahead of yours.
}
} You may never get to meet the Oracle in person, but that shouldn't stop
} you from getting a souvenir!  Send email to drhodes@canter.siegel.com
} for our catalog, and choose from a wide selection of t-shirts, coffee
} mugs, and wall hangings.  With every order over $20.00 ($60.00
} Canadian) you'll receive a wallet-sized "The Oracle Done Told Me"
} Supplicant card.
}
}              ***NEW***  Oracle Milk Bottle Caps!  ***NEW***
}
}   Your message has been queued.  There are 23 questions ahead of yours.
}
} Muddled by mysteries?  Puzzled by paradoxes?  Ask the Oracle!  This
} supplicant did:
}
} "All I did was ask if there were any safe but effective poisons that
} would help with this woodchuck problem I'm having.  I never got a
} direct answer, but the next day in the mail I got a check for $50,000!"
}
} Your patience has been rewarded!  The Oracle has heard your question!
}
} Your question was:
}
}   >> Will our move to Amsterdam from Canada in August be a success?
}   >> Will my position with SupportNet prove fruitful?
}
} The answer to your question has been forwarded to the municipal airport
} in Barcelona, Spain, where it will be placed in your luggage at a later
} date.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org