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Internet Oracularities #712

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Usenet Oracularities #712    (87 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 11:24:25 -0500

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712   87 votes dmndg 5mqq8 9lwg9 4nwj9 9lvm4 9jmqb 9luj8 fjcqf 6ktkc bjugb
712   3.0 mean  3.0   3.1   2.9   3.1   2.9   3.1   3.0   3.1   3.1   3.0


712-01    (dmndg dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for
> this your humble supplicant:
>
> I just bought a cured ham. What did it have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Swine flu.
}
}  You owe the oracle a $150 consultation fee (insurance accepted).


712-02    (5mqq8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where can I find more informations about
>  visioneer's PaperPort 2.0 (mac compatible)
> in Switzerland ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, PaperPort.  You probably don't know this, but the first, shareware
} version of PaperPort was written by Lisa's 12-year-old nephew Doug,
} who's as geekish and hackerly as Lisa is sleek and worldly.
}
} Doug had an early-morning bicycle paper route, but his performance
} suffered from his terrible absent-mindedness.  He would goof up and
} throw the paper right onto the doorstep of customers who never tipped
} him, while aiming the Sunday Times at the pile of dog poop on the porch
} of the lady who gave him the $20 Christmas bonus.  He would zoom like
} hell past the house with the hyperactive Chihuahua and then absently
} cruise past the one with the free-ranging manic-depressive pit bull and
} be lucky to escape with half his trousers.  He would forget the house
} number of the community college coed who always left her shade halfway
} up and spend fifteen minutes waiting for a balding fifty-year-old to
} step out of the shower buck naked.  And if he remembered to stick a
} memo paper in his back pocket before leaving, it was a sure bet he'd
} lose it to a puddle or the snapping teeth of his friend the pit bull
} before he was halfway through the route.
}
} So he got out his tools and soldered a mounting bracket for his
} Radio Shack Model 100 to the handlebars of his bike, wired a
} flashlight over it for illumination, and sat down to write a
} BASIC program he could use to record all his route numbers,
} subscription payments, and important information.  PaperPort 1.0
} was little more than a glorified spreadsheet:
}
}    *------------------------------------------------------------*
}    |   Name  | Address    |  Owes  |   Comments                 |
}    |---------|--------------------------------------------------|
}    |  Smith  | 345 Water  |  $5.50 | Doberman can't jump fence  |
}    | Perkins | 123 Juniper|  $0.00 | daughter with *big* tits   |
}    | Frumkin | 2240 Palm  | $21.00!| jogger, can run fast enuf  |
}    |         |            |        | to catch a bike!           |
}    *------------------------------------------------------------*
}
} You probably do know the rest of the story--how he first sold the
} program to a few friends, then incorporated, finally got bought
} out by Novell--how PaperPort 1.5 added all sorts of bells and
} whistles, like AI-driven software for charting the shortest routes
} and best paper-throwing trajectories, a modem interface for
} automatic-dialing harrassment of past due customers, a thumbnail-.GIF
} directory for photos taken with the optional mini-spy camera, etc.
}
} PaperPort 2.0 introduced the international modules, and I believe
} you'll find the distributor of the Swiss version in Bern.  The Swiss
} version, of course, not only has four-language support (including
} Romansch!), but does probability-function calculations for
} avalanche danger per route and includes optional .WAV files of
} alpenhorn calls for kids with portable multimedia units who
} need to wake up behind-hand subscribers with a reminder that
} their payment is overdue.
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple of those spy-camera shots of Swiss
} milkmaids...


712-03    (9lwg9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, namesake of a large commercial database, who
> when addressed backward is known as "Elcaro", please answer this simple
> question:
>
> Why do computers keep catching fire while I'm using them?  Once, well
> it was just a freak thing.  Twice?  A coincidence.  But THREE times?
> Is there a force of evil at work here?  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yeah. That database thing. Did you _really_ have to remind me of
} that? Their damn lawyers are _so_ tenacious. We'll be working things
} out for years until they finally change that damn name. Then where will
} all those Unix file servers be, with all those "oracle" directories set
} up that will need to be changed? There will be lots of work for nerd
} consultants. Think about it.
}
} Anyway, I digress. The answer to your question is yes, there is a force
} of evil at work there. Evil is an insidious, wretched thing. A force
} not to be dealt with by amateurs. I will, however, give you an
} incantation that you can use to fight off this curse. Do things exactly
} as I say, and everything should work out fine.
}
} What you'll have to gather is:
}
}   The little paper liner from the inside of the most important floppy
}   disk you have.
}
}   Three push pins.
}
}   A flag from Latvia.
}
}   A photo of the system manager.
}
}   Some of that mysterious yellow gravy from your school cafeteria.
}
}   The letters F,R,O,S,T and Y from a defunct keyboard.
}
} Okay. now sit down in front of a large photo of James Joyce facing you.
} Place the items on a table in front of you, and cover them with the
} Latvian flag. Careful, here's where it gets tricky:
}
}   Repeat after me:
}
}   Smiling, laughing, rabbits of stone.
}   Frosty bits froze by a Crone. (that one hurts to say...)
}   Disks filled with data we loath.
}   Memory always inclined toward growth.
}   Three times your evil has struck.
}   Flaming users and roots mired in muck.
}   Pentium spirits be gone from here.
}   For the name of Elcaro you fear!
}
} Well, that should do it. Be sure to clean up all that mess on the
} table. Especially the gravy. you never know what that stuff will do to
} paint.
}
} You owe the Oracle the home address of that damn database company's
} head lawyer.


712-04    (4nwj9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>              Dear Supreme Oracle;  I know it is not my place to
>          question your exalted authority.  However, I feel that you
>          may have made an error in judgment lately, and do humbly
>          request that you listen to my plea.
>
>              I recently was witness to your zotting of #QA91217.  It
>          was a beautiful sunny day and I was crossing the street at
>          5th Avenue and Main Street when suddenly ... a giant bolt of
>          lightning came down from the sky and stuck #QA91217 in the
>          head while he was waiting for a bus.  He fell on the ground
>          and rolled around, screaming in excruciating pain.  Flopped
>          around like a fish out of water for about three minutes,
>          holding his head with the care you'd give a new born baby.
>          Unfortunately, there was a doctor near by that was able
>          stabilize the man's condition.  By the time an ambulance
>          arrived, he was up and about and refused medical treatment.
>          He was still a little disoriented and stumbled a little bit
>          as he walked away, but basically ... he was okay.
>
>              What were you thinking?  I mean ... three measly minutes
>          of pain.  That's all?  I know of #QA91217, he deserves more
>          than that, MUCH more!  He has not suffered near enough!  I
>          pray to you magnificent Oracle ... please, please, please
>          punish #QA91217 more; a great deal more.  If you want, I
>          would gladly be the instrument by which you administer his
>          agonizing punishment.  Just give me a sign, and I will
>          severely torture him with great expediency; hopefully leaving
>          him with life long injuries and disabilities.  I will make
>          you proud of me, you'll see.  Please give me a sign, any kind
>          of sign.
>
>                                        Your humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Dear Supplicant,
}
}         I read your well written letter and decided that I had better
}      check the records on #Qa91217. And you are correct, he did deserve
}      a much larger punishment that what you perceived. Rest assured,
}      supplicant, that the Oracle DID take care of business the first
}      time. First of all, #Qa91217 was put on an automatic timer that
}      zots him on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, he should be
}      getting one right about
}
}      <<ZOT!!>>
}
}      now. Good. Additionally, each ZOT has different effects on him.
}      The one you saw, for example, made him think that he had worms
}      eating his brain. (Actually, there WERE worms eating his brain,
}      but the effects were only temporary.) Another good one is to
}      inflate his tongue to 5 times its normal size so that it sticks
}      out of his mouth and severely inhibits his breathing. Sometimes, I
}      like to make him just think he's been zotted even though I've
}      actually done nothing to him, it really messes with his psyche.
}      But my all time favorite, which is inflicted no less than 3 times
}      per week, is to let him actually know how great an entity I am. It
}      has effects that dwarf actually comprehending infinity.
}
}         So you see, supplicant, the Oracle knows his business. For you,
}      though, since you wrote such a nice letter,
}
}      <<ZOT!!>>
}
}      he just got another one. (I've made him give off a scent so that
}      male dogs think is a female in heat.)
}
}      As for your sign, I've loosened the bolts on the no parking one
}      around the corner from your house, just go by after midnight
}      tonight and pick it up.
}
}      You owe the Oracle an Iron Maiden.


712-05    (9lvm4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great and glorious oracle, whose name i am not even worthy enough to
> capitalize, please tell me how to use shared memory.
>
> your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant,
}
} The use of shared memory is influenced by two main factors, namely;
} 1) Who you share it with, and 2) What filing system you use.
}
} To address the first point:
}    Theres absolutely no point in approaching someone and saying "Ah,
} do you remember Paris in the springtime?" if they have never been there
} with you (or if they have never been there with you in the springtime,
} or if they've forgotten they've been there etc.). So the first criterion
} when attempting to share a memory with someone is to ensure they know
}    * who you are,
}    * what you are talking about, and
}    * why.
}
} More importantly, *check you both use the same filing system*:
}    Memory is triggered by various stimuli, and it can sometimes
} be difficult, even when you've found a good candidate to share a memory
} with, to ensure that they are remembering the same features of the
} event, or indeed the same event.  This can sometimes be dangerous to the
} inexperienced. The odour of a badly tamed sewer may bring to your mind
} that glorious walk beside the Seine (in Paris, in the springtime), but
} it may only bring to your partners mind the rather messy final illness
} of her childhood pet, or perhaps the fact that they later fell into
} the same river (in Paris etc), or merely that you have forgotten to
} unblock the drains again... So, it is imperative to make certain that
} you not only both have the same memory, but that its replay is set off
} by the same stimuli. This may require subtle prompting, setting the
} appropriate mood, or possibly extensive psychosurgical reconditioning.
}
} Finally, having found the right co-remembrant and carefully brought
} the appropriate memory to the forefront of their awareness, you are
} ready to share memory. Maintain a respectful and attentive stance, eyes
} shut to allow events to replay more clearly and avoid distractions,
} and enjoy...
}
} You may experience initial compatibility problems - you may be
} remembering at different speeds, or initiating memory out of phase,
} but with practice and perseverance you may attain the final goal of
} simultaenious shared memory.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 return tickets to a decent hotel in Paris.


712-06    (9jmqb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...if I strapped some buttered toast to the back of a cat, and dropped
> the cat from a height, what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First there would be a knock on your door from an officer of the
} local Humane Society with a warrant for your arrest.  The charge
} would be wreckless endangerment of an animal for the satisfaction of
} personal curiousity.
}
} On the surface this is the classic Nature's law versus Murphy's law
} conundrum.  Cat's feet versus buttered side of toast.  In this case the
} toast is an inanimate object unable to affect the course of events.
} The cat however must choose between two actions.  Should it try to
} land on its feet or get the toast off its back?  A clever cat knows
} that if the toast is strapped on it will still be there at the end of
} the journey and will try to land on his feet.  The Oracle has never
} seen a dumb cat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a splendid grovel.  In your excitement, after
} finally coming up with a question, to get your e-mail sent you forgot
} the most important part of the exchange.


712-07    (9luj8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's so great about "Nirvana"???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends.  If you mean Nirvana, the rock group, the answer is very
} little.
}
} If you mean Nirvana, the ultimate level of consciosness, then if you
} have to ask the question, you wouldn't understand the answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Tibetan book of the Dead, autographed
} by the author.


712-08    (fjcqf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh powerful oracle, who never has to worry about getting a date, answer
> this humble suplicant...
>
> I'm really in love with this girl in Texas, and she loves me, but right
> now we can't get together because of school, parents, and money.  Will
> we ever get together?  And what will become of us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, of course not!  No matter how many questions come in at once, I
} never get mixed up and send somebody the answer to somebody elses
} question!  I'm deeply offended that you would even ask that.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.


712-09    (6ktkc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, tell me
> What is the longest way to enlightenment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eh?  What's that, sonny?  You want to go to Enwrightsville?  You
} can't get there from...
}
} Lightfield?  No town in these parts got a name like Lightfield.
}
} Oh, sorry, sonny, my ears ain't been the same since the Voodoo Lounge
} tour came through.
}
} You say you want to go to enlightenment?  Well, why didn't you say so?
}
} Take County Road 147 until you get to Philosophy, then turn hard right
} and pass through Nietzscheville and Kantstown.  If you see a big sign
} that says "Hegelian Dialectics and Groceries", you've gone too far.
} Gotta turn around.
}
} Turn off the road at an unmarked path, right after the Krishna
} standing with the pamphlets.  Keep going on that until you see a
} big church to the left.  You might ask directions from someone there,
} but if I never understood a damn thing they ever said.
}
} You followin' me so far, son?  Ayuh.  So how far did I get?  The
} aquarium?  Oh, right, the church.  Say, which part of enlightenment
} are you trying to get to?  It matters, you know.  If you're going
} to Nirvana, you don't want to take the Endless Cycle -- that'll take
} you way out of your way.
}
} So you're going along, and... wait, this is the way to
} self-enlightment. Sorry, that's completely wrong, you want to go to
} plain enlightenment.
}
} No, you can't get there from here.


712-10    (bjugb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why English soccer fans are so stupid. Why do they
> think a football match entails throwing of chairs and planks of wood.
> Please help as I am confused as to why this happens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Considering that their empire has collapsed, their next king is
} a doofus, their country is being invaded by French Chunnel
} commandos, and their footbal teams always lose, it's a wonder
} they don't throw themselves off the cliffs of Dover.


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