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Internet Oracularities #713

Goto:
713, 713-01, 713-02, 713-03, 713-04, 713-05, 713-06, 713-07, 713-08, 713-09, 713-10


Usenet Oracularities #713    (93 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 10:14:38 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   713
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

713   93 votes rkkh9 7hsoh cfupb kmpl5 1dntr 5dowj fxtd3 49ltu 7ntp9 42ntz
713   3.2 mean  2.6   3.3   3.1   2.7   3.7   3.5   2.5   3.8   3.1   4.0


713-01    (rkkh9 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh, Great Oracle, who is nobody's inferior.
>
>      My boss just quit.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell him off.


713-02    (7hsoh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is it about the female breasts that men find so
> attractive/appealing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is in a quandary.  He has often been portrayed as a sexist
} pig.  He does not like this.
}
} He as often been portrayed as entertaining and witty.  He DOES like
} this.
}
} Now, you have come along with THIS question.  Unfortunately, anything
} funny would necessarily be sexist!!
}
} I will compromise.  I will give you a funny, sexist answer plus a wise,
} non-sexist answer.  You'll have to decide which is which.
}
} #1  As secondary sexual characteristics, they naturally differentiate
}     females from males.  As such, men are instinctively attracted to
}     them.  Strains of people whose men are not attracted by breasts
}     are rapidly weeded out by natural selection.  There is a theory
}     which states that the attraction to the breasts developed from an
}     attraction to buttocks in the apes from which the humans evolved.
}     The Oracle is not making any of this up.
}
} #2  They look kind of like the front end of a football.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Superbowl ring.


713-03    (cfupb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most high and mighty, holier than thou Oracle...
>
> How many roads MUST a man walk down before they call him a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Real men don't walk down roads.  They drive incredibly huge
} pickup trucks with really big tires and enough clearance to
} pass over a Hyundai without getting caught up (whip antenna
} and country music optional).


713-04    (kmpl5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, isn't that WONDERFUL?  You're such a BIG BOY now!
} Now, why don't you go back and see if you can do a
} number 2 for Uncle Orrie, ok?


713-05    (1dntr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Thee great, wise, ultimate being of the Internet, also called The
> Oracle, to which I am Your humble servent,
>
> Regarding The Meaning of Life.
> I haven't thought the above out yet, but I ask you:
> Where can I get the manual, where can I get another (life that is) and
> how much does it cost?
>
> Your Servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are sorry to inform you but replacement manuals for Life(tm) are no
} longer available as Life(tm) has been put on permanent hiatus.  Be
} advised that your name has been placed on a list and in the event that
} Life(tm) is resurrected you will be informed of how to order additional
} copies of all documentation.  In the mean time, please let me take this
} opportunity to introduce you to some of our other fine products:
}
} Life(tm)  Discontinued
}
} Death(tm)  $49.95
}   Our second biggest seller!  [Previously a free bonus with every copy
}   of Life(tm).]  Available in a choice of colors (additional service
}   charge required for any color other than factory black).
}
} Disease(tm) Call for pricing
}   Choose from our huge list of currently available diseases.  Special
}   discounts on all "Choice of Disease + Death" packages.
}
} ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL **
} Despair(tm) $1.50 (was $32.95)
}   Due to an accounting error, we've accidentally ordered too much
}   Despair(tm)! Our misfortune is your good luck!  Don't miss out on
}   this incredible price!
}
} War(tm) $999.95 (was $153,999.95)
}   When was the last time you fought a really good battle?  It has been
}   a while hasn't it?  We've got too much War(tm) in our warehouse and
}   with April 15th coming soon, we'd rather sell it to you than pay tax
}   on it.  Additional discounts for bulk orders.  Includes unlimited
}   refills on Death(tm).
}
} Hope(tm) Out of stock
}   Sorry, we're currently running low on our supplies of Hope after the
}   Holiday season.  Hope(tm) should be available again in the early
}   Spring.
}
} Happiness(tm) If you have to ask, you can't afford it.


713-06    (5dowj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,  do advertisements in magazines contain deliberate
> subliminal messages that are suppose to feed on our subconscious mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Dear Supplicant,
}
} TheS magazineE advertisersN absolutelyD do notT useH subliminalE
} messages toO influenceR theirA reader'sC thoughtsL.  ManyE of myA
} friendsL areL in theY businessO andU ifR they wereM usingO
} subliminalN messagesE theyY wouldn't hideN itO fromW me.
}
} You owe the Oracle whatever monetary donation you feel appropriate.


713-07    (fxtd3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if it is going to rain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If it's to rain: the bane of the sane.
} But it's plain that rain has pocked your brain.
} And your question's one of disdain
} Bringing to th'Oracle pain.
}
} The Oracle most wise brings your demise.
} Look to the skies when you next rise.
} A cloud of flies will lift your thighs.
} Lies? or blabbering UseNet spies?
}
} No, you failed and are impaled
} Nailed by th'Oracle that you hailed.
}
}  - - - - - You owe the Oracle a nail gun.


713-08    (49ltu dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, whose knowlege-base is deeper than the ocean
> trenches, who has cataloged every lifeform know and unknown (including
> us petty humans) -- harken to my pitiful call for your guidance!
>
> While exploring some Native American sites in the heartlands of the US,
> I recently came upon a curious creature.  The antics of the animal
> were, I must admit, cute.  And my daughter, who had accompanied me on
> our expedition, convinced me to let her keep it as a pet.  Pray tell,
> what is it?  I include a sketch I made:
>
>       (\__/)
>       /O O `.
>      (O__,   \
>        / .  . )
>        |-| '-' \
>       .(   _(   )
>      '---.~_ _ _&

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} **  **  SCANNING SKETCH  **  **
}
} Running probability checks...
}
} Region---> Heartlands of the U.S.A.
}
} Probablility Chart........
} Buffalo............. 0.9%
} Kangaroo............ 1.3%
} Gopher.............. 9.3%
} Groundhog...........21.5%
} Woodchuck...........67.0%
}
} Running analysis of ASCII characters...
}
} Character set and usage.
}
} Probablilty Chart.........
} Gopher.............. 0.1%
} Bald Eagle.......... 9.6%
} Lemur...............27.2%
} Woodchuck...........63.1%
}
} Running analysis of cuteness...
}
} Parent/Child Cuteness agreement...
}
} Probability Chart.........
} Barney.............-97.4%
} Rabbit............. 22.3%
} Woodchuck..........174.9%
}
} Running Quarterback/Defense checkup...
}
} Probability Chart.........
} Stan Humphries...... 2.1%
} Steve Young.........97.9%
}
} Heh heh, whoops.... Super Bowl pick ;)
}
} Running General Statistical Analysis...
}
} Woodchuck..........100.0%
}
} Congratulations, you now are the proud owner of an official woodchuck.
}
} Let me assist you in the general, basic care of a woodchuck.
}
} *>ZOT<*
}
} You owe The San Diego Chargers a lot of help, courtesy of the Oracle.


713-09    (7ntp9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fabulus Oracle, who's manhood is longer and larger than all of
> mankind's combined, who's roundage I am not worthy to calculate, please
> listen to my plea.
>
> I do not know who I am or what I am doing here in this form.  However,
> I have an owner who wants me to eat some sort of food he calls
> "Lasangia". Please tell me, what is Lasangia and how do I microwave it?
>
> Sincerely yours,
> An orange cat with black stripes who's owner calls him "Garfield".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Lasangia is a disease first discovered in Italy in the Roman era.
} Little is known about how the disease was transferred into humans, but
} it is thought to be linked to repeated exposure to dog drool.
}
}     Lasgania has just a single symptom.  It lowers your sense of humor
} to a point such that you find feline obesity humor outrageously funny.
} Sadly, there is no known cure, nor will sterilization means, such as
} microwaving, prevent this disease..  I expect that your owner has been
} feeling guilty about your recent weight gain, and is trying to find
} humor instead of guilt in your condition.
}
}     Other related diseases to Lasagnia, and their singular symptoms,
} include:
}
}    Beetle-Baylia:  You would find humor in military screaming and chase
}       scenes.
}
}    Blondia:        Bulimic men with perpetual bad hair days married to
}       stacked babes become hilarious to you.
}
}    Cathia:         Humor is found in stereotypically shallow feminine
}       behavior. This disease is thought to also have caused the film
}       "9-to-5" to have been filmed.
}
}    Heathclifia:    See Lasgnia
}
}    Marmadukia:     (a.k.a Cliffordia)  Large, poorly controlled animal
}       companions become funny.  Especially if chairs and newspapers are
}       involved.
}
}    Ziggia:         This is the most extreme version of the Lasgania
}       diseases. In it, the sufferer actually has no sense of humor, and
}       often thinking is seriously impaired.  Any thought presented to
}       the sufferer generates smiles and a warm, womb-like feeling.
}       Shoot sufferers on sight to avoid spreading and to put the victim
}       out of their misery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stairclimber


713-10    (42ntz dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Mighty Oracle, master of the Trask parameters and ruler of the
> Niggli worms, please answer my humble query.
>
>   What kind of job can I get with a geophysics degree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And it came to pass, that a group of wise men gathered in the
} wilderness to consult the prophet. And it was decided that a great
} feast should be prepared to celebrate the occasion.
}
} Unto the Accountant they prophet sayeth
} 'Take this bag of silver, and go unto the village to purchase
} grapes'
}
} Unto the Biochemist the prophet sayeth
} 'Take the grapes, and make us wine for the feast'
}
} Unto the Oceanographer the prophet sayeth
} 'Go forth unto the ocean, and gather us some fishes for the feast'
}
} Unto the Botanist, the prophet sayeth
} 'Go forth unto the fields, and gather us grains for the feast'
}
} Unto the Nutritionist, the prophet sayeth
} 'Take the grains, and make us bread for the feast.
}
} Unto the Geophysicist the prophet sayeth
} 'For you who is wise in the ways of the earth I have the most
} Important job of all'
}
} And it came to pass, that a great feast was held in the
} Wilderness, a multitude of fishes, and a mountain of bread was
} eaten, and an ocean of wine drunk.
}
} And after the feast, everyone commented on the excellent latrine
} pits.
}
} << The Prophet, incarnated as The Famous Druid
}    druid@stonehenge.win-uk.net >>


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