[IO]
Internet Oracle
23 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:35:52 GMT

Internet Oracularities #714

Goto:
714, 714-01, 714-02, 714-03, 714-04, 714-05, 714-06, 714-07, 714-08, 714-09, 714-10


Usenet Oracularities #714    (94 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 00:10:37 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   714
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

714   94 votes ahqw9 bhut7 8ivod jqjka dqzg4 iordc ahzq6 kzqb2 sEh81 lAr82
714   2.7 mean  3.1   3.0   3.2   2.7   2.7   2.8   3.0   2.4   2.1   2.3


714-01    (ahqw9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who ... what ... which way did they go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, in this day and age, it's possible to use many different methods
} of tracking down a particular person or object. Let me share a few with
} you, and you decide which one you'll use, okay?
}
} *** BLOODHOUND
} Large tracking dog known for its keen sense of smell and tenacious
} ability to track scents of various ages.
} ADVANTAGES: Makes a loyal pet, food is relatively inexpensive, fairly
} accurate at finding missing people.
} DISADVANTAGES: Terrible at tracking accounting errors or security
} violations on a computer network, howls at night.
}
} *** MASS MEDIA AND CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS
} Television, radio, direct-mail, and newspaper advertisements and public
} service announcements are very popular and easy methods of finding a
} person or thing.
} ADVANTAGES: Allows you to use others to find what you're looking for,
} demographics determines rate of success,  free publicity for other
} personal / professional matters.
} DISADVANTAGES: Extremely expensive to use some media (TV), occasionally
} inappropriate in some cases (using television to find your car keys).
}
} *** NINJA
} Japanese warrior of the night, skilled in martial arts and basic
} investigations.
} ADVANTAGES: Extremely intelligent and tenacious, able to use lethal
} force in crucial situations
} DISADVANTAGES: Difficult to find and extremely expensive, may end up
} killing who you're looking for.
}
} *** RADIOACTIVE TRACER DUST
} Used in conjunction with a tracking unit / Geiger counter, developed by
} CIA and KGB for espionage purposes.
} ADVANTAGES: Extremely difficult to lose the dust itself, you will have
} the entire KGB and CIA tracking your subject as well.
} DISADVANTGES: Very expensive, you have to lace the subject with dust
} BEFORE you lose it, do not mistake for cocaine.
}
} *** POST TO "*.lost-and-found" or "*.general" newsgroup
} Usenet newsgroups available for local, regional, and national
} discussion of various subjects (like asking for help when you've lost
} something).
} ADVANTAGES: Inexpensive and extremely fast, most people on Usenet are
} more perceptive than ordinary folk.
} DISADVANTAGES: Might start a flame war if you've lost your "AIDS: Kills
} fags dead" T-shirt, losing several pounds of plutonium can be bad for
} publicity for your business.
}
} *** LOST AND FOUND / POLICE
} Your local dumping
} ADVANTAGES: You'll find all sorts of neat stuff there, usually the
} person running it is very extroverted and cute.
} DISADVANTAGES: You aren't going to find a lost girlfriend there (unless
} they're small and ugly), you may get asked to take care of the Lost and
} Found, the topic of discussion may end up on "outstanding parking
} tickets."
}
} You owe the Oracle a carton of milk with a missing child's face on it.


714-02    (bhut7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for
> this your humble supplicant:
>
> How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the advantages of being an ancient seer is not in
} the fame, fortune, and women, but my many years of
} experience. Sometimes, from on top of this hill, I can find
} a use for some of it.
}
} There hasn't always been a single Monopolies Commission
} (one of the many results of the Sherman Antiturts Act of
} 1890). In its zeal to prevent the irony of a monopoly
} governing the laws against monopolies, Congress first
} turned to free enterprise. In 1907, an auction was held in
} Atlantic City, New Jersey, for licenses for individuals to
} set up their own Monopoly Commissions. Unfortunately, there
} was a real estate boom going on in Atlantic City at the
} time, and there was quite a lot of confusion between the
} housing developers, land speculators, and enterprising
} young Monopoly Commissions. People wandered the streets
} aimlessly, throwing shoes, wheelbarrows, and even cards
} about the city in search of a better understanding of the
} confusion. Beauty pageants and railroads popped up at every
} corner.
}
} In 1911, most of the hubbub died down, with many of the
} residents of Atlantic City stuck away safely in the newly
} built homes, hotels, or prisons. Only a handful of
} speculators wandered the streets, grabbing up open parcels
} of lands and shares of the Monopoly Commission.
}
} The new Monopolies Commission was run by Mr. A Parker, a
} rather rotund and jolly fellow, always seen in a tuxedo
} and top hat. It was said that tugging his huge white
} handlebar mustache could bring one luck during the holiday
} season.
}
} He died in 1937, leaving a massive fortune and a huge
} bureaucracy behind. His will called for the commission of a
} board game to commemorate the madcap scramble for land an
} political power in his earlier days. The men who wrote the
} rules for Parker's Game were eventually known as The Parker
} Brothers.
}
} The game, of course, is Scrabble. In writing the rules for
} the "biography," Elmo Parker, the younger of the two
} brothers, fell down a flight of stairs while carrying the
} typesetting tray for the first four pages. In his rush to
} reassemble the words, the idea struck him and we have the
} slippery stairs to thank.
}
} That explain things? Good. You still owe me $100 for
} landing on Marvin Gardens. Pay up.
}
} You owe The Oracle a triple word score.


714-03    (8ivod dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dachshund continues to bite its bottom at the most annoying times.
> How can I stop her from doing this???
>
> Thank you,  oh mighty Oracle for whom truth is but a thread to grasp...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, dear supplicant, there are several means by which you can
} convince your dachshund to stop biting its bottom, are shown below with
} a list of advantages and disadvantages:
}
} METHOD:  Sprinkling salt on dog's bottom
} ADVANTAGES:  Cheap, simple
} DISADVANTAGES:  Doesn't last very long, gourmet cooks will insist on
} using garlic and basil as well.
}
} METHOD:  Diapering the dog
} ADVANTAGES:  Low maintenance, long lasting
} DISADVANTAGES:  Looks ridiculous, dog will piss in diaper out of spite.
}
} METHOD:  Shooting dog
} ADVANTAGES:  Permanent
} DISADVANTAGES:  No more dog, death threats from ASPCA.
}
} METHOD:  Bathe dog
} ADVANTAGES:  Dog will smell better once he dries out
} DISADVANTAGES:  Dog will smell awful while wet
}
} METHOD:  Bite own bottom in front of dog, thereby showing it how
} ridiculous it looks while doing so
} ADVANTAGES:  Keeps you limber, will put you in great demand in bed
} DISADVANTAGES:  Dog may not understand, can be habit forming
}
} There you have it.
}
} You owe the Oracle some garlic and basil, and some salt for his own
} bottom; I've developed this nasty habit lately...


714-04    (jqjka dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Turing

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously your question is shrouded.


714-05    (dqzg4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Was it me?  Did I *really* win???  Really?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. hee hee hee!
}
} Hee hee! Sorry 'bout that, just joking! Hell, this Ed McMahon thingy
} is the best one I've done yet! Whew!
}
} Now let's see what I might could maybe do next...hmmm...I've already
} given the Americans bat urine and made them think it's beer. I've
} already given the UK a biologically altered woodchuck for an heir. I
} already yanked the rug out from under the Soviets' belief in "Comrade
} Orakle" (that was so great!). I know! I'll place a mutated amphibian
} into a position of authority in the legislative body of a major world
} power...what the??!? Damn. Someone beat me to it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Contract with FidoNet.


714-06    (iordc dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, superlative and inflagorous Usenet Oracle....
> I, as world renowned conspiracy theorist J------ ----- (Can't
> let the Sri Lankans get that, now, can we?), have been
> pondering the question of the existence and abilities of the
> Usenet Oracle for  quite some time now.  I believe that I have
> reached a conclusion which should surpass even my infamous
> Hoffa/Elvis/Hitler Hertz Rent-A-Car theory.... I think it is
> clear to everyone in this room that your existence can only be
> explained by one thing---Spam. Yes, I can see your omniscience
> trembling in your illegally obtained alligator boots (ahh, yes,
> the Sears/Panama connection; Nothing gets past the great J-----
> ------). However, if you feel that you must claim ignorance,
> let me detail it to you...
>     1) 1933,  Nome, Alaska. A meteor strikes a small
> Volskwagen Bug. Inside is the strange pink substance we will
> learn to call Spam. A military coverup is immediate.
>     2)The military starts its Project S.P.A.M. They create
> super men from the Alien Substance...the huge demand from
> civilians for the super-drug causes them to develop Spam #2, an
> artificial version without the pain-killinbg aspects but still
> keeping the famous hallucinogenic properties...
>     3) After the war, they store the rest of the substance
> called Spam in huge warehouses located in Nebraska.
>     4) After approximately 50 years in storage, one large
> gelatinous glob of the substance achieves sentience....
> Need I say more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please, All I ask is no tell Moose and Squirrel!


714-07    (ahzq6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, in your infinite wisdom, please tell me...
>
> Who put the Bomp in the Bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp
>
>       and
>
> Who put the Ram in the Ram-a-lama-ding-dong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhh... Supplicant.  You ask me to explain the Zen Wisdom of Bomp-She-
} Bomp-She-Bomp?  Let me ask you this question, in return...
}
} Who put the "Ug" in Ugly?
}
} Who put the "Fun" in FUUUUUUUNTASTIC!
}
} Who put the "Toad" in Toad The Wet Sprocket?
}
} Okay...poor examples.
}
} Actually, Michelle Karllove of Columbus, Ohio is generally credited
} with being the first person to discover that, with proper preperation,
} one could put the Bomp in Bomp-She-Bomp.  Of course, she had to work at
} this for a while, and she had her early failures.  Her notes are filled
} with horror stories of the earlier attempts: Bomp-He-Bomp,
} Clump-She-Clump, and the explosive Bomb-She-Bomb.
}
} The Ram-A-Lama-Ding-Dong problem was finally solved by the geniuses at
} NASA when trying to figure out a cheaper way of putting objects into
} orbit. Using a magnetic RALDD mass-driver, they could shoot payloads
} into space for a low cost...and with very little danger or enviromental
} impact as opposed to the solid-fuel rockets used nowadays.  But seeing
} how it looked too good to be true..it was.  NASA was sued for millions
} of dollars by several groups, such as Bill Gate's Microsoft (Copyright
} violation by using the term RAM<c 1990 Microsoft> without permission),
} The Llama Protection Society, and the Hostess Corporation (Use of a
} Hostess DinDong in a unsanctioned way).  All NASA was left to work with
} was "A", which was quickly snatched up by Pat Sajak's crew at "Wheel Of
} Fortune".
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of the person who put the "Highway" into
} the term "Information Superhighway"...so I could have him drug out into
} the street and shot like the dog he is.


714-08    (kzqb2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I on this BBS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are on this BBS because the miniscule portion of your brain
} containing optimism and a zest for living has won the latest battle.
} There is within you a thirst for culture, wit and wisdom to be
} satisfied.  You are here because you want to be whether you know it or
} not.
}
} On the board you will find a virtual plethora of advice and a paucity
} of assistance.  On this board is the antithesis of boredom, dear
} supplicant, always a question such as yours to stretch the mind.
} Frequently you'll receive a bit of flummery to stroke the ego.  You
} will be exposed to literary references that will pique your interest.
} The list goes on and on ... hope you enjoy your visit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dish of apple pandowdy.  Mmmmm, yum.


714-09    (sEh81 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who can connect to any site on the
> Net, even the ones that haven't been created yet, please
> tell me...
>
> My system insists that microsoft.com is an unknown site.
> Does this mean my system tables are cheesewhiz, or is
> it trying to tell me something about the future of
> computing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you set to build a bike and the instructions are in Japanese or
} the other side is in German and you know neither of these languages,
} and no English version.  Then comes the imagination and change of
} words, such as you are in one area and then another area....one night
} you are driving a truck the next morning a Lori.  As I travel the
} internet road I find that the pit stops and refill stations can have
} lines as long as a Basset Hounds ears, or the antlers that your bike
} has. By the way why are you making tables out of cheesewhiz? May be
} thats why the trouble, perhaps this cheesewhiz has impregnated your
} board and gone to your computers head!  As to your future in
} computers...if you are desperate enough to ask me and wait for my
} answer...I SEE NO FUTURE....however do not give up, L.A. is still
} existing and they are on the verge of making Arizona beach front
} property.  Prime property after California drops in! Talk about a wave
} .....narly surfs up....netsurfer! For sure !!
}
} The internet is sometimes also the twilight zone...in this case ..your
} computer does the thinking....in some cases thats all that thinks! It
} takes a man to mess things up but a computer....does a royale job.
} So like for sure you owe the Oracle a copy to the executive restroom on
} route 66.


714-10    (lAr82 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O poetic Oracle, whose bodily functions are so refined that they're
> high-brow, please tell me:
>
> If, as Shakespeare says, all the world is a stage, does it follow that
> everyone is a comedian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most humble supplicant, it is true that the world's indeed a stage;
} however, what happens at the last part of the show is certainly not
} very promising for the career (or the profession, for that matter).
}
} You owe the Oracle a _VERY_ long routine, filled with great material.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org