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Internet Oracularities #715

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715, 715-01, 715-02, 715-03, 715-04, 715-05, 715-06, 715-07, 715-08, 715-09, 715-10


Usenet Oracularities #715    (83 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 14:44:07 -0500

*** From Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>
***
*** The Oracle Resource Index, a WWW based set of stuff about the Oracle,
*** is now open to the public.  The Index includes forms-based mechanisms
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***
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***
*** The Index is the work of myself, David Sewell (an Oracular Priest),
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   715
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

715   83 votes bhqhc 5bmri 8usd4 aAmb4 4iCh6 fimgc 5mmmc 5jpld 4hqs8 8nol7
715   3.0 mean  3.0   3.5   2.7   2.6   3.0   2.9   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.0


715-01    (bhqhc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <leans close to the supplicant>  What's that, sonny?  Could you speak
} up a bit?  <slams fist against ear>  These damn components keep
} shorting out. What good does it do to have the greatest intelligence of
} all time when I can't hear what my supplicants say?  <digs component
} out of ear>  Hmm. There's something else in there....<digs a giant
} pillow out of ear>  That's odd...<digs an African elephant out of ear>
} Wha....?...<digs around some more and comes up with a collection of
} _Doogie Houser_ tapes>  Aaaa! <throws it across the room, in fright>
}
} I've got to get to the bottom of this.  <door opens and slams>
}
} <muffled>  Lisa?....Do you know who's been stuffing stuff in my ear?
} It wasn't the kid at PSU who keeps sticking his 18-line sig. on all his
} questions, was it?  Or the one who keeps asking woodchuck questions,
} but spells it "woodechuck"?  No?...  Well, tell me if you figure it
} out.
}
} <door opens and slams; Oracle re-emerges>  Strange, strange.  Somebody
} is trying to make me deaf.  <glances at _Doogie Houser_ tapes>  And if
} I'm not mistaken, stupid, too.  <sits back in a comfy easy chair and
} flips on TV with the remote; the theme song for _Beakman's World_
} begins>
}
} BEAKMAN (on TV):  Today's question comes from Billy of Pensacola,
} Florida. "Beakman:  Are there any other question and answer guys out
} there who could explain things about science and other type stuff?"
} <rips the card in two>  That's a silly question, Billy.  Of course
} there aren't.  At least, none with a goofy hairstyle like this...
} <gestures at his huge mega-Kramer 'do>
}
} RAT (on TV):  <looks embarrassed>  Um, Beakman.  There's another one
} out there...and this one is.....<gulp> omniscient.
}
} BEAKMAN (on TV):  Omniscient?  <does a double-take>  I've got to meet
} this guy, share some stories.  I bet he's had quite a few interesting
} questions over the years!
}
} RAT (on TV):  Uh, you mean you're not mad there's another question and
} answer guy...even one who's omniscient?
}
} BEAKMAN (on TV):  No.  Why should I?  I'm the Beakman!  <gestures again
} to his wild hairstyle>
}
} <RAT slinks off, twiddling his thumbs behind his back.>  Rats.  Better
} take care of this before Beakman finds out.
}
} BEAKMAN (on TV):  Next question.  This comes from Sally in Beaver
} Springs, PA.  "Dear Beakman:  What's the difference between woodchucks
} and grounhogs?"  Well, Sally...
}
} <Oracle hits the 'off' button on the remote; shudders slightly>
}
} Hmm.  Looks like another question is coming in.  <tears it off the
} printer>
}
} >The USENET Oracle requires an answer to this question:
} >
} >Oh, great all-mighty omniscience.  I don't know how to say this but
} >I've done something terrible.  I work for another question-and-answer
} >guy, and I thought he'd be jealous of you, so I tried to incapicitate
} >you.  I hope you're not too mad, but there's an *ELEPHANT* in your
} >ear.  And some other stuff.  I'm really sorry, but I hope you don't
} >make too big a deal out of this because I'd probably get in trouble
} >with Beak...with my employer. Then he'd make me get in the mucous
} >demonstration tunnel again.  Yuck. Anyway, I'm sorry and I hope you're
} >okay.
}
} <calling>  Lisa!  Type this response up for supplicant #457789-0:
}
} No hard feelings, mouse-man.  We omniscient beings are far more
} forgiving than you give us credit for (if only certain deities would
} stop turning people into constellations and donkeys and pillars of
} salt, I'm sure our reputation would be far kinder).  You are absolved
} from all wrong-doing; but I would have you know that next time I am
} subjected to _Doogie Houser_ I will consider it an act of war.
}
} You owe the Oracle an episode guide to _Beakman's World_ and a groovy
} new haircut.


715-02    (5bmri dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for
> this your humble supplicant:
>
> How come women don't come with pull-down menus and on-line help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you look close, you can find some open interfaces that will permit
} pop-up menus.  A small portion of these have pull-down menus, too.
} Be careful with these interfaces, as they tend to have had many users.
} This puts both of you at risk of core dumping.
}
} Contrary to your understanding, they do have on-line help.  The problem
} is that most men expect it to be a point-and-shoot interface.  It's a
} voice-driven interface based on fuzzy logic, with only a few
} opportunities to use your pointer.  Be patient, work with it, and soon
} you'll get the hang of it.
}
} Remember, there is no style guide for these interfaces, they come in
} all shapes and styles.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fully interactive multi-media interface,
} preferably a blonde.


715-03    (8usd4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-knowing Oracle, please answer this question that has long
> frustrated music fans.  In "Hotel California" there is a line about
> 'the warm smell of colitas' rising up through the air.  I know that
> colitas are a type of food, but what exactly *are* they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhh, that old mix-up.  Well, ya know, he actually is trying to sing
} 'warm spell of colitis'.  You see, colitis is technically the
} inflammation of the colon.  A sudden attack of this was beginning to
} come about at this time.  I think it was actually more or less just
} gas.
}
} You owe the Oracle an easy way to play F# chord on his guitar.  It's
} the only chord he can't play in "Hotel California".


715-04    (aAmb4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a fan group of the British TV series "Bottom" - with Rik
> Mayall and Adrian Edmondson - somewhere on the Internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yegads! Here I sit upon the mighty throne of knowledge ready to answer
} your deepest thoughts, secret desires, and most probing questions, and
} Ye have the audacity to ask me about a...a...a fan group for a TV
} sitcom! ZOT YE! I am the almighty Oracle, not the Goddess Veronica,
} Queen of Gophers! Have Ye not even read the FAQ for this godawful
} sitcom? (Incidentally the most recently posted ASCII version is
} available via email. Simply send email to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu with
} this in the body:
}
}         send usenet/news.answers/tv/british-comedy/bottom-faq/*
} )
} Heaven forbid that I  should do thy footwork for thee! Get thee hense
} and write me not again with such trivialities! Better that Ye should
} ask the purpose of toe-jam, or how much space is there between the
} stars, than a SITCOM! For your sins you are required by the Oracle to
} go see the Brady Bunch Movie!


715-05    (4iCh6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: cep@best.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh truly truly wondrous Oracle, what do restaurants in Hell serve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a very fine question indeed. I was just considering that
} myself the other day.
}
} Not having been to Hell, I can only report what my lackeys tell
} me. One came back only the other day from one of the Inner
} Circles, which is appropriately known as "the 70's Circle of
} Hell". Everyone wears white polyester leisure suits and dances
} around and around for eternity on small crammed dance floors with
} mirror balls and BeeGees and Abba remixes playing in the
} background (I was forced to point out that this sounds like a lot
} of the bars I go to these days). But anyway ... in between bouts
} of Getting Down, dancers are fed lime Jello Miniature Marshmallow
} Cheeze Whiz Miracle Whip moulds, little cutout sandwiches on
} coloured Wonderbread filled with Cheez Slices and Pop Rocks,
} Velveeta fondue, frozen fish sticks topped with Pringles
} gratinee, and Very Cherry Crullers. All washed down with Dr
} Pepper and Slurpees. For the Alternatively Damned, there are soy-
} burgers topped with fibrous alfalfa rootlets, Tofu Dogs, and
} Sunflower-milk shakes.
}
} I hope this discourages you from buying Ace of Base. Because you
} *know* what they'll be playing in the 90's circle of Hell.
}
} i saw the sign, opened up my eyes and saw the sign ...


715-06    (fimgc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would happen if all of a sudden, all the people who are afraid of
> heights, suddenly became afraid of widths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We would all have to do a lot more lying than we already do.


715-07    (5mmmc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> fsd dsopiu jfpejp  ep;woj ;l "op k"p k"p kewqerk ewk 'okvf'd glf da;lfg
> :lgkr?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <AUTOMATIC CAT-LANGUAGE TRANSLATOR START>
}
} Hello again, Tiddles, from your old friend the Oracle. As not all
} humans can read or write "cat", I'm putting this reply into the
} translator. Hope the human who owns the computer you wrote this on
} doesn't realise that cats actually can type, or they may restrict your
} access. After all, if they decide to neuter you, you already know how
} to trash the system, eh?
}
} Anyway, back to the question. Humans do this for a variety of reasons:
} the chief among these is that custard is very smooth but doesn't run
} everywhere like cream, although I'm sure you're happy the cream is left
} over.
}
} The bit about the food mixer has me puzzled though.
}
} <AUTOMATIC CAT-LANGUAGE TRANSLATOR STOP>


715-08    (5jpld dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me the literal meaning of William Shakespeare's Sonnet 116
> and how the structure relates to the meaning.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another mortal trying to get me to do his homework, eh?  Well,
}
} Let you not to the asking of queries
} Admit impediments; it is not fun
} To answer every question that one sees,
} Or give a reply to whoe'er seeks one.
}
} O, no, it is a never-ending pain
} To look on questions and be never shaken;
} I must respond to questions asked again,
} Who's oft put down, although I'm ne'er mistaken,
}
} I'm no-one's fool, though answers and questions
} Within the critic's sickle's compass come;
} I alter not with readers' suggestions,
} But bear them out even to the edge of doom.
}
} If this be error and upon me proved,
} I never writ and w**dc***ks can chuck wood.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of RFC 1605.


715-09    (4hqs8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and omniscient Oracle,
>
> How can I prevent my VCR from being infested by squirrels?
> I keep finding nuts in the hole in the front.
> I can't watch my favourite videos anymore, the constant crunching
> sounds drown out the soundtrack.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Squirrels are extremely intelligent and can climb and jump well, so
} extreme measures are needed to deter them.
}   Mount the VCR on a metal plate high on a pole in the center of the
} yard. It must be well away from other objects like trees, the house,
} and any fences. Run power and video down the inside of the pole to
} protect the wires and eliminate another security risk.
}   Take a semicircle of sheet metal and wrap it around the pole to form
} a cone with the wide end downward. It must be wide enough to keep
} the squirrel from reaching it from the pole, steep enough to prevent
} his climbing on it, and high enough to keep him from simply jumping
} past it.
}   Since this will only deter SOME of the squirrels, you will need to
} build a protective cage around the VCR. Use very heavy wire, and make
} sure you can stick nothing larger than your thumb through any gaps.
} Bolt the cage to the metal plate. Now build a second cage, several
} inches larger in each dimension than the first. This cage does not
} need to be as 'tight'. Mount the second cage around the first on 3"
} insulating spacers. Attach each cage to one lead of a neon sign
} transformer, using the pole's AC line for power.
}   You should see a sharp and long-lasting decline in the number of nuts
} in your VCR.


715-10    (8nol7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK.  Some days I'm a professor.  Some days I'm a housecat.  What is
> going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're trapped in a 70's Disney film starring a young Kurt Russell.
} Young Kurt found an ancient Egyptian scarab, which allows its wearer to
} change into a housecat by uttering a magic word.  Young Kurt has been
} using this ability to track down some bungling bank robbers (played by
} Don Knotts and Tim Conway), while simultaneously eluding a ruthless
} magician (Christopher Lee) who wants the scarab's power.  You are Young
} Kurt's father who, on a whim, decided to wear the scarab to a black-tie
} affair at the university Dean's house.  Unfortunately, the university
} Egyptologist said the magic word within earshot, and now you find
} yourself avoiding the Dean's rottweiler.
}
} Don't worry, it's all for comic relief; you'll change back in an hour
} or so.


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