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Internet Oracularities #716

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716, 716-01, 716-02, 716-03, 716-04, 716-05, 716-06, 716-07, 716-08, 716-09, 716-10


Usenet Oracularities #716    (88 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 1995 14:01:12 -0500

*** The recently published book, _Internet_Insider_, contains a number of
*** Oracularities from the "Best Of" digests.  Namely, Oracularity numbers
***
***  134-03   229-10   290-09   297-08   345-09   441-07   516-05   560-10
***  193-09   288-04   293-03   326-02   376-03   506-05   552-04   565-07
***
*** At <URL:http://www.farces.com/netinsider/netinsider-home.html>, the
*** author, Ruffin Prevost, says:
***
***  The Internet Insider ($14.95, 284 pp., fully illustrated with
***  photographs, Osborne McGraw-Hill) offers net veterans and neophytes
***  alike an insider's look at the strange and wonderful world of the
***  Internet. The first book to focus solely on the gonzo online culture
***  of the Net, the Insider lets you surf the Net without getting wet.
***  Longtime Internet ramblers will appreciate the Insider's tabloid
***  treatment of the shocking news from the edge of cyberspace.
***
*** Steve says check it out.

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   716
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

716   88 votes 6wyd3 5wtf7 9pql7 balug 4jru7 gitdc arpj7 ihsi7 4hrsc euni3
716   2.9 mean  2.7   2.9   2.9   3.3   3.2   2.9   2.8   2.8   3.3   2.6


716-01    (6wyd3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I find the Fountain of Youth?
>
> end
> quit
> exit

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't do it!  The situation isn't that bad!  You don't have to END your
} life, QUIT the game, or EXIT this plane of exitence simply because you
} can't find the fountain of Youth!  I'll have some sympathy for you (and
} excuse the lack of grovel this once, but just this once) and tell you
} the knowledge that you so desperately need: if you go to your local
} soda jerk, there are many fountains of youth!
}
} PEPSI: Remember the ads with all those old people dancing around? They
} knew something. Of course,it could be that they were next to the REAL
} fountain of youth, being in Florida and all.
}
} RUM: Drink enough, and I guarantee you'll never grow old!
}
} OK SODA: Well, maybe it won't give you eternal youth, but Coke would
} like you to believe it!
}
} JOLT: Ever wonder why all computer hackers look like they're under 18?
} They know the secret!  Watch out for the acne side-effects, though.
}
} COORS: Youth by association.  Why, after you get all those beautiful
} young women.. What?  That's only an ad gimmick?  Well, I never!
}
} You owe the Oracle a mint set of the de Leon tapes.  (The Oracle is not
} a crook!)


716-02    (5wtf7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How to set up an ftp site?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, that's great!  Or, "Where to Orange banana?"  Hoooo!  Ha!  Boy,
} you kids just slay me, so endlessly inventive.  Hang on, hang on, let
} me wipe my eyes...  hee hee hee...
}
} Okay.  Sorry.
}
} First, rob a bank.  Any bank will do, since these days they all have
} surveillance cameras and retina scanners.  (Or do they?  No, no, that's
} right, those come AFTER Interactive Telesound -- well, that certainly
} makes this much easier.)  Okay, so, rob a bank, but MAKE SURE you're
} wearing a mask that makes you look JUST like an FTP site (that part is
} very important).  Then, stash the money in the FTP site's back pocket
} when it's not looking.  Call the FBI, tell them about the FTP site,
} describe it's MO, and TASW, KWIM?
}
} Good luck!


716-03    (9pql7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey you out there, Oracle-nerds, please give me an answer to this
> question; it has kept me awake for many nights:
>
> How can it be that it takes a lift approximately the same time to move
> the last few inches as to move from 2nd to (6th floor - few inches)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Mortal fool, you dare demand an answer after such an impertinent
} greeting lacking any relation to a grovel?  I have half a mind to Zot
} you... but the other two-thirds of my mind (your naive mathematical
} system can't apply to such as the Oracle)... where was I?  Oh yes, your
} query.  I will not do away with you in the traditional way; instead, I
} shall forward your question to the U.S. government!
}
} --- Forwarding mail to opposite-of-pro-gress@capitol.org ---
}
}      Thank you for your inquiry regarding recent Congressional
} legislation. Although most mail is answered by your congressperson
} themself, in the interest of a timely reply your question is being
} addressed by one of your congressperson's high-level aides.  Thank you
} for your inquiry.
}
} --- Forwarding mail to makework@capitol.org ---
}
}       Your inquiry into the latest happenings on Capitol Hill has been
} recieved and processesed.  Due to the large amount of inquiries
} congressional aides recieve every week, your request for information
} has been automatically transferred to a qualified general clerk in the
} interest of expediency.
}
} --- Forwarding mail to the-buck-actually-stops-Here@capitol.org ---
}
}       Your inquiry into the Congressional legislation on the topic of
} vertical public transportation is appreciated.  We suggest you
} investigate the VERTICAL TRANSPORTATION EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ACT OF 1993.
} Section 1, paragraph 3, subparagraphs A & B state that
}
} - A) Efficiency of transport shall not be reduced on the basis of the
} -       subject's race, age, gender, or floor of occupancy
} - B) The operation of any existing elavator, lift, or other vertical
} -       transportation device as defined in section 1, paragraph 2
} -       which does not meet these requirements must be discontinued
} -       until it can be altered to meet these requirements within its
} -       operating specifications
}
}       Your lift complies with this requirement by reducing speed as it
} approaches the floor of destination; if you become aware of any lifts
} that do not comply with this legislation (ie, take less time to reach
} the lobby from the second floor as from the eighth floor), please make
} the lift operator aware of this Act.  Thank you for your inquiry.


716-04    (balug dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle of all time:  Can you tell me if I am going to pass my
> art exam I took today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  You didn't bribe your insructor with enough Monet.
}
} You owe the Oracle your left ear.


716-05    (4jru7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the speed of thought equal E=mc*mc

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the speed of thought is predicted by the theory of
} special relatives.  As you are probably aware, some relatives
} think a lot slower than others.  This can be predicted by a construct
} called an interval, which is the length of time it takes between
} lighting up the acetylene torch to having the gas tank  you're
} mending blow up. This handy chart will help you predict thought speed.
}
} Concept                                 Thought speed.
}
} Understands that stuff passing          2.98*10E8 m/s
} below the event horizon is pretty
} much gone for good.
}
} Heavy stuff falls at much the same      Pretty fast.
} speed as light stuff, provided its
} pretty dense.
}
} Light stuff falls slower than heavy     Hmm. Not so fast.
} stuff.
}
} Crushed while shooting a bear in        Slow.  Real slow.
} a tree.
}
} So you see, special relativity can be applied to the speed of thought.
} The name comes from when one of your relatives does some real dumb ass
} maneuver, you can say "Oh man, that's special."
}
} You owe the Oracle a valid proof of special relativity.


716-06    (gitdc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O your musical Orriness, who might even have known the Beatles:
>
> What would you do if my tuna couldn't sing?  Would you walk out and
> stand up on me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the immortal words of Ted Bundy
} "I would fry with a little help from my friends".
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of the sheet music to "Empty Garden".


716-07    (arpj7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If you do not Intend on giving me a correct answer then don't give
>      me any answer at all! 5 times I have asked this question only to
>      be responded with some smart ass comment or stupid answer. Please,
>      we have a bet here at the office and would like an honest answer
>      from somebody who may have a better insight to this:
>
>      Where were the first Atomic bombs, built, tested, and where did it
>      inherit the term "Manhattan Project"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An incorrect answer from the Oracle?  Never.  A smartass answer?
} Always.  You are betting on the first atomic bomb?  What about sports?
} Women?  Do you not have lives?  Of course not... you work in an office.
} The first atomic bombs were built about 1115 BC by Marvin (you know,
} the "Take me to your leader" guy Bugs Bunny always had a problem with?
} It inherited the term Manhattan Project in the episode where the
} construction thing happened.  Marvin observed this and decided to
} level Manhattan, hence the Manhattan project.
}
} You owe the Oracle an pin-up calendar, if you can find one.


716-08    (ihsi7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who one the world series in Mexico City - in 1380?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Los Alamos Anachronists beat the
} Berkely Timesurfers, 5-3.
}
} But don't tell anybody.  The bookies
} would get really annoyed.


716-09    (4hrsc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sad, sad, sad, sad, why must I be sad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I am sure you have heard of the Law of
} Conservation of Energy, which lays down that the
} total amount of energy in the universe is constant,
} not changing from one moment to another.  What you
} are experiencing is a result of a similar law, the
} Law of Conservation of Happiness.
}
} For you see, the total amount of happiness experienced
} by all beings in the universe is also constant.  At
} the moment, I am feeling enormously happy.  Also, I am
} stroking my cat, which is purring and obviously also
} quite contented.  This excess of happiness on our part
} has to be balanced by a deficiency of happiness
} somewhere else, and you have been Chosen to bear this
} burden.
}
} But I tell you what, I'll stop stroking Fido.  There.
} Doesn't that feel a bit better?


716-10    (euni3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle! Tell me, what was the profession of Homer's wife Marge before
> she married?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Marge went through several career changes before
} she finally met Homer and settled down.  When she
} was 15, she dropped out of high school and became
} a manicurist.  She did quite well at this, and in
} the course of 3 years rose to the level of super-
} visor.  (As an aside, Marge was the one who trained
} Lorena Bobbitt.  This is one of the reasons Homer
} doesn't give her too much lip.)
}
} As a supervisor, though, Marge found she had to do
} a great deal of paperwork, and she no longer cared
} for the job.  She started looking for a different
} line of work.  First she applied for a job as a
} telemarketer, but she was turned down because she
} couldn't fit the little headset over her hair.
} She tried working in several retail establishments
} as a checkout clerk (including a women's clothing
} store, a grocery, and even a gas station), but
} each time, she quickly got bored and left.
}
} Eventually, she landed a job as a dispatcher for
} the fire department.  6 months later, she was fired
} after she mistakenly sent the fire engines to 4980
} East Main St. instead of 4980 West Main St.  She
} then did a brief stretch as the host of a radio
} talk show.  She was great at the talking part, but
} listeners complained to the station about her choice
} of subjects, so her show was cancelled after 7 weeks.
}
} Following that, Marge worked for about a year and
} a half tending 2 to 4 year olds at a day-care
} center, a job which gave her valuable skills in
} child raising, as is evident in her own children.
} This job was only in the mornings, however, so
} she moonlighted as an aide at a venereal disease
} clinic.
}
} It was at the clinic that she met Homer, and the
} rest is well known to all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a job application and a good
} reference.


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