} In a fanfare of trumpets and wanton adulation which would make all of
} those Charlton Heston Bible movies pale in comparison, the Oracle
} begins its tirade of wisdom to the unwashed:
} You have been selected as one of the lucky mortals who will be able
} to not only afford a fully loaded aquarium which will make prospective
} romantic partners disrobe themselves instantly in your presence, but
} you will also have access to an EXCITING OFFER which will make your
} friends so jealous that they will all hate you and devote themselves
} to brutally murdering you.
} "How can I afford a measly, paltry 125G aquarium and supplies?" you
} ask? This question will be the last thing on your mind once you catch
} a whiff of the intoxicating odors of pure, unadulterated CA$H that
} will soon be flowing your way, as one of the meager side benefits of
} your new life selling ORACULAR GRIT magazine door to door!
} EVERYONE loves ORACULAR GRIT! Mom will love the recipes, and Dad
} will enjoy the party jokes - he'll be the hit at his next cocktail
} party, which means he'll soon be raking in BIG BUCK$ once those new
} social connections start to pay off! Sis will flip over the mad,
} mod makeup tips, and Junior will love the monthly column on Outdoor
} Adventures! And for you, oh loyal supplicant, there is a 16-page
} pullout every month detailing the latest and greatest in aquarium
} supplies. But you'll be too busy to care, since you'll be spending
} your every waking moment gleefully selling ORACULAR GRIT to everyone
} you know!
} Once you've sold a meager 175 subscriptions, you are eligible to
} receive a monster CA$H bonus, but you'd have rocks in your head to
} do such a fool thing, since you can instead trade in your credit for
} the biggest, hottest thing to hit the aquarium enthusiasts scene
} since, well, since aquariums! Yes, I'm talking about SEA MONKEYS!
} These aren't the Sea Monkeys you had as a kid which were really
} nothing more than a bunch of underdeveloped plankton that turned
} the water brownish-grey for a few days if you were lucky; these are
} exciting, underwater pals who will go on adventures, tell you stories,
} and make everyone in the world love you! Just take a look at one of
} these lovable creatures:
} o O (\__/)
} /O O `. /-(
} o (O__,) \--/ (
} / . . ) -- (
} |-| '-' \-\ (
} .( _( ) \(
} '---.~_ _ _&
} I can see you pressing your face to the screen and whimpering with
} unbridled desire at this very moment. But wait, there's more! Once
} your Sea Monkey colony has come to fruition, you can also earn the
} following accessories to add to the fun:
} Sell only x subscriptions... and receive...
} 204 - Sea Monkey X-ray glasses: allows them to see what you look like
} with no clothes on! And they can see what the bones in your hand
} look like!
} 808 - Sea Monkey Itching Powder: nobody loves a good gag like a Sea
} Monkey, and when you sprinkle some of this in their water, you'll
} be laughing for days!
} 400 - Sea Monkey Habitrail Adventure World: see them swim through the
} futuristic tubing. Watch them frolic with the plastic diver and
} fantastic ceramic castle. It's like Disneyland, only for Sea
} 12 million - The Franklin Mint Presents The Sea Monkeys Chess Set: 16
} of history's most famous Sea Monkeys potrayed in stunning Cubic
} Zirconium! Each piece is rendered in actual size!
} Since you can't contain yourself any longer, send NOW for your sales
} kit, and let the fun begin!
} You owe the Oracle a shrimp alfredo at a restaraunt of his choice.