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Internet Oracularities #717

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717, 717-01, 717-02, 717-03, 717-04, 717-05, 717-06, 717-07, 717-08, 717-09, 717-10


Usenet Oracularities #717    (113 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 13 Mar 1995 23:07:26 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   717
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

717  113 votes NAj54 jvuo9 hrGl6 eKui5 ouopa alxyf 9fmyx 4jqBr 9tFr7 7xuz8
717   2.9 mean  1.9   2.8   2.8   2.6   2.7   3.2   3.6   3.6   2.9   3.0


717-01    (NAj54 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Another imponderable to ponder:
>
> How much wood would Elvis chuck if Elvis were still alive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Huh huh huh huh... you said wood...huh huh huh.
}      Yeah, heh heh heh heh, um, uh, yeah, heh heh heh.


717-02    (jvuo9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, maker of fine bakery products and designer of dining room
> furniture, please answer me this:
>
> What is it in French people that makes them think Jerry Lewis is funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C'est peut-etre une question tres tres mauvais. L'Oracle croit que
} les francaises ont un BAD SENSE OF HUMOR, et qu'ils sont STUPID. Mais
} aussi parce qu'ils SPEAK FUNNY et KISS OPENLY IN THE STREETS.
}
} Toutes ces FACTORS resemblent THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, mais
} est-ce que tu es CERTAIN que les francaises vraiment FIND HIM FUNNY?
}
} L'Oracle n'aime pas Jerry Lewis.


717-03    (hrGl6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me is there a FAQ on Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the Usenet Oracle does indeed use File Allocation Queries
} (or FAQ).  FAQ was discovered to be far more effective than HPFS,
} NTFS, or FAT.  FAQ uses 4098K blocks in which to store information,
} allowing the user to effectively store 12K of text in a 4098K block,
} using hard drive space in accordance with Microsoft's "expansion
} techniques."  The remaining 4086K acts to preserve FAQ integrity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows Ninety-Something, soon to be
} made a FOX mini-series.


717-04    (eKui5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Grand Oracle, Host with the Most, King of Beers, and Keeper of the
> million-and-first digit of pi,
>
> Pray tell, what is the /proper/ way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All things are relative. Geological studies conclude that Reese's
} aren't actually ment to eat. More likely, early naitive societies used
} this product for coloring carvings and artistry. Reese's has the fine
} quality of being persistant, obviously because earthly organisms have
} difficult digesting this composite.
} Of course, since you may drink sewage, perform satanic rituals in
} abandoned catholic churches, have sex with maggots, buy a Macintosh
} and even listen to Green Day records, there is, and I stress,
} absolutely NOTHING preventing you from eating Reese's Peanut Butter
} Cups. If you must though, the Oracle suggests you double check your
} health insurance.
}
} The Oracle wishes you a good day.


717-05    (ouopa dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't monkeys fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they don't eat enough beans.


717-06    (alxyf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who will win the NCAA basketball tournament?
>
> P.S.  I need to know by Wed 3/15 so that I can cash in your prescience.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The final score will be:
}
}  Yukon Scribblers                            10
}  Northwest Territories Itemized Deductions    2
}
}  Glad to meet a fellow fan of the Northern Canadian Accountants
} Association. I'm sure you're not surprised by this result. The Scribs
} always beat the Ducs, of course, because they have all humans on their
} team. But winning isn't everything. I think posterity will show this to
} be a moral victory for the Ducs (of course, I always stick up for the
} undermoose). And who really cares who wins anyway? I think most
} accountancy basketball fans watch for the sheer beauty of the game.
}  As for "cashing in on my prescience", well, the last guy who tried
} that just happens to be the Ducs star legless center. In fact, come
} to think of it, everybody on that team (the humans, anyway) has two
} things in common--a prior history of crossing the oracle and some form
} of dismemberment. What a coincidence! Of course, it means nothing, and
} I'm not trying to influence you in any way. BTW, you've got a nice set
} of appendages there. It would be a shame if anything happened to them.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a two-four of Elsinore beer, eh? Else, you're a
} hoser.


717-07    (9fmyx dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How can I raise enough money for my 125G Marine Aquarium with
> Wet/Dry filter, and accessories?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   In a fanfare of trumpets and wanton adulation which would make all of
} those Charlton Heston Bible movies pale in comparison, the Oracle
} begins its tirade of wisdom to the unwashed:
}
}   You have been selected as one of the lucky mortals who will be able
} to not only afford a fully loaded aquarium which will make prospective
} romantic partners disrobe themselves instantly in your presence, but
} you will also have access to an EXCITING OFFER which will make your
} friends so jealous that they will all hate you and devote themselves
} to brutally murdering you.
}
}   "How can I afford a measly, paltry 125G aquarium and supplies?" you
} ask? This question will be the last thing on your mind once you catch
} a whiff of the intoxicating odors of pure, unadulterated CA$H that
} will soon be flowing your way, as one of the meager side benefits of
} your new life selling ORACULAR GRIT magazine door to door!
}   EVERYONE loves ORACULAR GRIT!  Mom will love the recipes, and Dad
} will enjoy the party jokes - he'll be the hit at his next cocktail
} party, which means he'll soon be raking in BIG BUCK$ once those new
} social connections start to pay off!  Sis will flip over the mad,
} mod makeup tips, and Junior will love the monthly column on Outdoor
} Adventures!  And for you, oh loyal supplicant, there is a 16-page
} pullout every month detailing the latest and greatest in aquarium
} supplies.  But you'll be too busy to care, since you'll be spending
} your every waking moment gleefully selling ORACULAR GRIT to everyone
} you know!
}
}   Once you've sold a meager 175 subscriptions, you are eligible to
} receive a monster CA$H bonus, but you'd have rocks in your head to
} do such a fool thing, since you can instead trade in your credit for
} the biggest, hottest thing to hit the aquarium enthusiasts scene
} since, well, since aquariums! Yes, I'm talking about SEA MONKEYS!
} These aren't the Sea Monkeys you had as a kid which were really
} nothing more than a bunch of underdeveloped plankton that turned
} the water brownish-grey for a few days if you were lucky; these are
} exciting, underwater pals who will go on adventures, tell you stories,
} and make everyone in the world love you!  Just take a look at one of
} these lovable creatures:
}
} o   O   (\__/)
}        /O O `.    /-(
}     o (O__,)  \--/   (
}         / .  . ) -- (
}         |-| '-' \-\  (
}        .(   _(   ) \(
}       '---.~_ _ _&
}
}   I can see you pressing your face to the screen and whimpering with
} unbridled desire at this very moment.  But wait, there's more!  Once
} your Sea Monkey colony has come to fruition, you can also earn the
} following accessories to add to the fun:
}
} Sell only x subscriptions...         and receive...
}
} 204 - Sea Monkey X-ray glasses: allows them to see what you look like
}       with no clothes on!  And they can see what the bones in your hand
}       look like!
}
} 808 - Sea Monkey Itching Powder: nobody loves a good gag like a Sea
}       Monkey, and when you sprinkle some of this in their water, you'll
}       be laughing for days!
}
} 400 - Sea Monkey Habitrail Adventure World: see them swim through the
}       futuristic tubing.  Watch them frolic with the plastic diver and
}       fantastic ceramic castle.  It's like Disneyland, only for Sea
}       Monkeys!
}
} 12 million - The Franklin Mint Presents The Sea Monkeys Chess Set: 16
}       of history's most famous Sea Monkeys potrayed in stunning Cubic
}       Zirconium! Each piece is rendered in actual size!
}
}   Since you can't contain yourself any longer, send NOW for your sales
} kit, and let the fun begin!
}
}    You owe the Oracle a shrimp alfredo at a restaraunt of his choice.


717-08    (4jqBr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh high and mighty seer, will I become class val
> edictorian, attend Stanford University, make sev
> eral million dollars, meet Meredith in a lonely
> Paris cafe on a drizziling evening, marry her, a
> nd become recognized as the rightful heir to a r
> estored Bohemian Royalty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can see you've been dabbling in the 1-900-FORTUNE services again, and
} need a second opinion.Unfortunately, your psychic-wannabe failed to
} read the signs correctly.
}
} You will become a veterinarian in Stanford, CT, and be sued for several
} million dollars by married coffee shop waitress named Mertyl, after an
} ugly accident involving off-brand hair removal products and her French
} poodle. Shortly thereafter, you will be run over by a group of Wayne
} and Garth fanatics headbanging to Queen's rendition of Bohemian
} Rhapsody.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for psychic dyslexia.


717-09    (9tFr7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o great and mighty omniscient one--please tell me something about the
> undernet.  I am a lowly and confused newbie.:(

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Undernet is a worldwide network of underwear established by the
} hosiery and undergarment industry. It was originally designed to
} facilitate communication between manufacturers of undergarments for the
} military and public school uniforms. Made entirely of interconnected
} cotton threads, this network is powerful, stain-resistant, and
} reliable. And it was checked by Inspector 5.


717-10    (7xuz8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How are pork rines made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pork rines, also known as Pork Rinds, are a popular snack food of many
} all around the world, incluing past U.S Presidents.
}
} They are made in the following manner:
}
}    1) Take one suicidal pig.  Convice him that instead of taking his
}       own life, you will do the formalities for him.
}    2) After the pig is deceased, strip him of all his skin.  Take the
}       rest of the carcas and throw away.  You won't need it.
}    3) Take skin, and place into hot, boiling LARD.  Deep fry until
}       puffy.  Slice up puffs into 1 inch strips.
}    4) Flavor with artifical bacon flavoring.  (We all know that pigs
}       don't taste like the bacon flavoring we've had forced upon us.)
}    5) Package, and sell along with other low-fat, low-cholesterol
}       treats such as Twinkies, Beef Sticks, White Powder Dougnuts,
}       Peanut-Butter Filled Cheese Crackers, and Miniature Pecan Pies.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5 year prescriptions of Lovistatin and Procardia.


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