[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:10:49 GMT

Internet Oracularities #718

Goto:
718, 718-01, 718-02, 718-03, 718-04, 718-05, 718-06, 718-07, 718-08, 718-09, 718-10


Usenet Oracularities #718    (118 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 18 Mar 1995 11:07:09 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   718
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

718  118 votes 5hmGw gzykd 9zHm9 jqrvf boGva cpsto uqoki 7pzvk fsyre bkyvm
718   3.1 mean  3.7   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.0   3.2   2.7   3.3   3.0   3.3


718-01    (5hmGw dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great number master (mistress?) who can add non-standard
> numbers, multiply Borel sets, integrate infinitely dimensioned
> functions in Banach spaces and can even solve tenth degree polynomials,
> please tell this humble supplicant from the left tail of the math bell
> curve why pi isn't rational?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question has to deal with the origins of the Oracle himself, and I
} am pleased that you asked it.
}
} Back in the days when the universe was just a "concept," the design
} team batted around the idea of InterPlanar Communication (IPC), or the
} ability of mortals (you) to communicate with immortals (us).  One
} bright young tech came up with the idea that when the mortals achieved
} a significant height in technology, a machine would be modified to
} provide a conduit to the gods.  This amused the senior designer so much
} he said, "Let it be So," and it was.
}
} Unfortunately, projections showed that the mortals would fail to reach
} the technology level before they destroyed themselves with petty
} bickering.  At great expense, a patch was applied: a fundamental value
} in mathematics was changed from a rational (3) to an irrational
} (3.14159...), and the dominant gender in technology was changed from
} female to male.  How did this help?  Well, by making pi irrational, an
} "El Dorado" of computing power was made, where scores of people with
} too much time and not enough social life fought to generate pi to
} greater and greater accuracy.  This added just enough incentive to
} increase the power of computers so that technology advanced before the
} deadline was reached.  It also made certain weapons of mass
} destruction much more complicated to build.  (In a universe where pi
} would be rational, nuclear weapons would have been perfected BEFORE
} World War II).
}
} But why remove women from the throne of technology?  Not doing so
} would have nullified any technological incentive of making pi
} irrational; for any woman will tell you that it doesn't matter how
} long it is, it's what you do with it that counts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a boysenberry pie.


718-02    (gzykd dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Which is the better path to follow to achieve true happiness in
>      this lifetime.
>
>      1) Hard work and spiritual enlightenment.
>
>      or
>
>      2) Depravity and ruthless ambition.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 3) All of the above


718-03    (9zHm9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie
> Roll Tootsie Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} --Question Fowarded to turtle@ground.com--
}
} I'm not sure, I could never get that far without biting into the chewy,
} sticky, toxic center.  You should ask the owl.
}
} --Question Forwarded to owl@branch.tree.com--
}
} Hmmm.  Well, let's find out.  One Lick, Two Licks...
}
} --Question Intercepted by uptight@senate.capitol.gov--
}
} My bill will prevent this kind of disgusting licking and other
} inappropriate communication from taking place on the InterNet!
}
} --Question Bounced back to Oracle@cs.indiana.edu--
}
} How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll
} Tootsie Pop? The world may never know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pop (Not a SODA!).


718-04    (jqrvf dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and wondrous Oracle, please help me along
> with your culinary expertise, which I am sure is on a
> par with all your other expertise.
>
> Last night, I bought a couple of packets of seeds at
> the grocery store.  One packet was for parsley, and
> the other was for Chinese parsley.  Can you tell me,
> please, what the difference between them is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An hour after you garnish something with Chinese Parsley, you
} want to garnish it again.


718-05    (boGva dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the meaning of life 27?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twenty seven is a significant number.
} It's the year in which Lindberg crossed the Atlantic.
} It's the exact age of Christ when he was crucified.
} It's 3^3, and we all know the significance of threes.
} It's the age at which Kurt Cobain killed himself.
} California was the 27th state - and California has been proven by some
}   UCLA theologians to be both hell on earth and heaven on earth.
} It's the year in which the atomic bomb was created, and in which the
}   world almost came to an end.
} 2/7 is February seventh, the date on which Punxatawny Phil came out of
}   his hole, saw his shadow, and predicted 27 more weeks before the
}   second coming of Christ.
} 27 degrees C is the preferred thermostat setting in heaven.
} Mohammed was the 27th president of the United States.
} Mohammad Abdul Rauf changed his name for the 27th time twenty seven
}   days ago. There are 27 letters in the Hebrew alphabet.
} Dave Letterman wore number 27 while starring at point guard for the
}   Ball State basketball team. He averaged 27 ppg, while leading them to
}   a 27-win season, finally falling 81-27 in the second round of the NCAA
}   tournament.
} They wound up ranked 27th.
}
} Do you need any more convincing?
}
} You owe the Oracle 27 Little Debbie snack-cakes, priced at 27 cents
} apiece.


718-06    (cpsto dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh most knowledgeable Oracle:
>
> why do candy vending machines use letters of the alphabet to designate
> the different candies and chips? In my ignorance, many times I have
> dropped in the money, looked for a nestle crunch, seen it was EE,
> pressed E instead of the EE button, and realizing my error too
> late....I get a bag of Funions or something. Who came up with this
> stupid idea?! Wouldn't it make more sense to actually have the button
> underneath what you wanted? Or have a little picture of what you want
> on the button. Or is E the international symbol for Funions?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [TV screen shows the logo: ONN Headline News]
}
} James Earl Jones' voiceover: *This* is ONN.
}
} [Screen: FACTOID--only 5 people in the entire U.S. actually like
} Funions, as compared to 7 in Argentina.]
}
} [Cut to anchor]
}
} Anchor: I'm Charles Zewe, and this is the Oracular News Network.  Today
} on lifestyles: why are candy vending machines so confusing?  I mean,
} look at soda machines.  Each button has the logo of the corresponding
} drink.  You just push...
}
} James Earl Jones' voice: That's enough, Chuck.  Just go to Wolf.
}
} Anchor: [visibly shaken] We now go to Wolf Blitzer, who is at the
} Vendabar corporation headquarters, to get some answers.
}
} [cut to Wolf, wearing a flak jacket.  He is standing in a plush
} office.]
}
} Wolf: Man, being a reporter sucks when there's no war on.
}
} JEJ: Would you like to know what will really 'suck'?  Your
} next paycheck!
}
} Wolf: Ulp, are we on?  I'm here with the vice-president of marketing
} of Vendabar, George Conrad.  Mr. Conrad, why all the difficult
} lettered buttons on candy vending machines?  Why not just use
} the product logo, like on the soda machines made by...
}
} VP: Silence!  Do not speak the name of our heathen competitors in
} here!
}
} Wolf:  Sorry.
}
} VP:  To answer your question: look at soda cans.  They're done in
} beautiful reds, blues, whites, and greens.  You can show those logos
} anywhere and people would by the product, no matter what it was.
} Now look at candy bar wrappers.  Browns and yellows.  Maybe some
} grey, if someone felt creative.  You can't sell anything with those
} colors!  Obviously we can't put those on our buttons.  If *I* were
} in charge of marketing the candy bars, they'd have beautiful colors.
} But we don't make the candy here, we just vend it.
}
} Wolf:  OK, I guess.  But why the weird letter combinations?
}
} VP:  Well, it started out logically enough.  M for Milky Way.  MM for
} M&Ms.  N for Nutrageous.  B for Butterfinger.  But then we started
} running out of letters, so we had to get creative.  NN for Bar None,
} for the two n's in the name.  Similarly, EE for Nestle's Crunch.
}
} JEJ: I *like* Bar None.
}
} Wolf:  Er, yes.  Anyway, Mr. Conrad, how did you ever get E for
} Funions?
}
} VP:  Well, F was already taken.  In fact, almost all the letters and
} double letters were already taken.  But there was E, sitting right
} next to F, and E kind of looks like F too.
}
} Wolf:  [thinks for a second]  There aren't any candy bars that begin
} with F.
}
} VP:  Well, no.  But around the time we were assigning the letters,
} Hershey's decided to branch out.  They started selling fruitcake.
}
} Wolf:  Fruitcake???!!!
}
} VP:  Yes.  Their reasoning was that while candy bars might start
} growing moldy after sitting in vending machines for 5 years,
} fruitcake would not.  Anyway, our market research amazingly
} showed that the American people loathed fruitcake slightly
} less than they loathed Funions.  So fruitcake got F and
} Funions were relegated to E.  Soon thereafter Hershey's dropped
} the fruitcake line, but we thought it would confuse people if
} we moved Funions to F after they had already become accustomed to
} seeing it at E.
}
} Wolf:  There you have it, Chuck.
}
} [cut back to anchor]
}
} Anchor:  Thanks Wolf.  Up on the next half-hour of ONN Headline
} News: scientists are genetically altering woodchucks so they
} *can* chuck wood, hoping to solve an age-old problem.
}
} [fade to ONN logo]
}
} JEJ:  *This* is ONN.
}
} [cut to commercial]
}
} You owe the Oracle James Earl Jones' voice without Darth
} Vader's personality.


718-07    (uqoki dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle tell me who am i ???/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.


718-08    (7pzvk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, versed in the arts of diplomacy and tact,
>
> I am unhappy with my current job.  There is a possibility of getting
> a job doing something much more interesting, but I will need a letter
> of reference from my boss.  How should I go about asking for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your need to actually work for a living.  Many
} are the days that the Oracle wakes up and says, "You know, it wouldn't
} actually be all that bad going in to a job today."  Then the Oracle
} falls back asleep, but you should know that he sympathizes with you.
}
} Of course, having obtained a job, it becomes your bounden duty to look
} for a better one, because your job sucks.  You can work your way, from
} each job to an even more challenging job, until you are totally
} incompetent to do what you do.  For some people this process takes
} years, but for a lucky few it can be accomplished right out of
} college.
}
} Of course, nobody is going to give you a new job unless they thought
} you were pretty good at your last job.  After all, why bother with
} somebody who has reached his level of incompetence when you can help
} sombody else to attain a higher level of incompetence.
}
} But let's assume that you are, in fact, pretty good at what you do,
} whatever that is, and haven't merely obtained your current position
} based on your ability to grovel, which is fair to middlin'.  So
} theoretically your boss would be just pleased as punch to write you a
} letter explaining o the world how you are the best <whatever> in the
} whole history of <whatever>-ness.
}
} There is, unfortunately, a catch.  That catch is that your boss is a
} jerk, who wants to preserve you under his greasy, sweaty thumb so that
} he can continue to demonstrate to his superiors (i.e. just about
} everybody) that his puny existence is justified by his ability to get
} so much good work out of you.
}
} So we have here a quandry, and you chose the correct route out of a
} quandry: you wrote to Uncle Orrie.  The Oracle is flattered, and would
} gladly write you a letter of recommendation himself, but we're run out
} of "Usenet Oracle: When You Haven't The Foggiest Idea, Write Me!"
} stationery.  So we're just gonna have to get the jerk to do it for
} you.
}
} There are several time honored techniques: threats, cajoling, forgery,
} work stoppage.  These will all do, but they have serious drawbacks.
} You could even try asking nicely, but that won't work either.  You
} need a foolproof scheme, and this is it:
}
} Use your laser printer to make up a realistic-looking "Boss of the
} Year Contest" flyer, preferably on company letterhead.  Tell him that
} the contest entry requires him to write a letter of recommendation for
} everybody in the office, so that they can see what a wonderful team he
} leads.  Offer big prizes.  Tell him that you'll handle the paperwork.


718-09    (fsyre dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does it keep going and going and going and going?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you have been drinking beer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pretzel.


718-10    (bkyvm dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O nifty Oracle
> Who is neater than all the neat things put together
> tell me:
>
> I'm not very good at grovelling..  Can you give me some tips?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now this is the type of supplicant I like!  Willing to learn one's
} place in society.  Someone who knows REAL worth ofthe Oracle!
}
} For a good grovel you must do the following steps:
}
} First of all you must fast for 4 days, to purify the body. It used to
} be a week, but too many supplicants were fainting at the altar and when
} revived, asking inane questions like "Where am I" or "What happened?"
} or "Why am I so hungry?".  Though a few did start asking "How much
} woodchuck could I eat if I could eat eat eat eat eat?" to which I
} replied "Try it!"
}
} Then you must bathe in scented holy waters.  This is mainly because
} some people who forget to eat for four days also forget to wash for
} four days.  Before I required this step, he stench in here really made
} me wonder if such a prolonged procedure for a grovel was worth it, but
} then I came to my senses and realised I need some sort of recognition
} for the troubles I go through!  Anyway, the smell kept the woodchucks
} away.
}
} Thridly you must purify the mind.  You must clear it of all outside
} distractions and just think of one thing; How divine the Oracle is.
}
} Well two things; How divine and magnificent the Oracle is and how
} unworthy you the supplicant are.
}
} Oh, actually three things; How divine, magnificent and wonderful I am
} compared to how unworthy and useless you are, and the question!  The
} number of null questions I get!  You have no idea how it feels to get
} this really ego inflating grovel and then get " ".  Grr!  You may think
} that its a grovel for free but I'm Required to give some sort of
} entertaining response.  "Oh look, its Kurt Cobane's skull contents!"
} wears off after while.
}
} Then you approach the altar, and prostrating yourself before my
} significance, clearly and loudly proclaim your undying gratitude for
} being in such a pitiful position infront of my supreme being.  Three
} times.  Sincerely.  Really.  Oh yes, and don't forget the question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a larger hat.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org