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Internet Oracularities #719

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Usenet Oracularities #719    (100 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Mar 1995 16:22:22 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   719
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

719  100 votes fDoi4 9mmxe gCy93 9tFf6 3gyti 6gArf bmAla 8cmGg qrlfb inlfn
719   3.0 mean  2.6   3.2   2.5   2.8   3.4   3.3   3.0   3.5   2.6   3.0


719-01    (fDoi4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I used to be your most devoted supplicant. Day and night, I
> feverishly composed countless kilobytes of cleverly-worded queries
> for your consideration. My mail queue was all yours, my name stood
> high on Kinzler's List, and nary an Oracularities Digest went by
> without a contribution from me.
>
> By the force of sheer will power, I have conquered my addiction, and
> for the past month I have refrained from sending you any questions
> at all. I have broken the chains, and am no longer bound by your
> power. Free, yes, free at last!
>
> How's by you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ungrateful supplicant,
}
} You've lost that soothing grovel,
} Oh oh, that soothing grovel,
} You've lost that soothing grovel,
} So its:
}
} ZOT!
} ZOT!
} ZOT!
}
} Ohhhh, oh, oh.
}
} You owe The Oracle a Serpent's Tooth


719-02    (9mmxe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Maxwell Smart's Shoe-phone Number

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: This is confidential information, isn't it Chief?
} Chief: Yes ... so.
} Oracle: Bylaw 12:4h states that we must take anti-surveillance measures
}   if we are discussing confidential information.
} Chief: Why do we have to follow Bylaw 12:4h?
} Oracle: Because Bylaw 17:1p says "Always follow Bylaw 12:4h."
} Chief: We don't have any anti-surveillance measures.
} Oracle: I demand the Cone of Silence.
} Chief: Lower the Cone! (The cone lowers over their heads) Max, Kaos has
}   stolen the ...
} Oracle: I can't hear you, Chief.
} Chief: KAOS HAS STOLEN THE
} Oracle: I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU. SPEAK UP.
} Chief: I SAID - KAOS HAS STOLEN THE ...
} Oracle: NO USE!
} Chief: Raise the cone.
} Oracle: (As the cone raises) Then I insist we use measure 5.
} Chief: Not measure 5.
} Oracle: The rule book says ...
} Chief: Okay ... measure 5.
} (The Chief goes to the wall and removes a painting of him and his dog
} Gopher. Behind it is a large wall safe. He opens the safe, and the two
} of them crawl in. Chief closes the door behind them.)
} Chief: Max, Kaos has stolen the first three parts of the Pondlegrant
}   formula. If they get the final part, they will be able to build the
}   Pondlegrant K73 fighter.
} Oracle: Oh no! Not the Pondlegrant K73. If they get the Pondlegrant K73
}   we're in big trouble, Chief. Why, they could take over the world if
}   they had the Pondlegrant K73. Only one question - what's the
}   Pondlegrant K73? Chief: It's a fighter that can be smuggled into the
}   country in the pocket of one of Herve Villachez's sports jackets. It's
}   a scientific breakthrough, undetectable to all forms of radar and
}   surveillance.
} Oracle: Of course, the old Pondlegrant K73 fighter in the Herve
}   Villachez sports jacket trick.
} Chief: We're sending you to Cairo to stop them from infiltrating the
}   meeting in which the final part of the formula is being discussed. We
}   need your Shoe Phone number to contact you if anything fails.
} Oracle: I can't give it to you.
} Chief: What do you mean you can't give it to me.
} Oracle: My shoe was stolen.
} Chief: Stolen?
} Oracle: Two hundred and fifty biker clansmen attacked me in my
}   apartment. I fought off thirty of them, but they got my shoe.
} Chief: (Indreculous) Two hundred and fifty?
} Oracle: Would you believe ... 125 angry hippies?
} Chief: No.
} Oracle: How about a homeless bum with a tire iron?
} Chief: Do you have the shoe or not?
} Oracle: No. I lost it.
} Chief: You made me go through all these surveillance measures so that
} you could tell me that you don't have the shoe?
} Oracle: Sorry 'bout that Chief.
}
} You owe the Oracle a weekend at Blue Mist Mountain.


719-03    (gCy93 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Militia

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle studied question and realized you didn't want the current
} answer to militia because that is easily found in any dictionary.
}
} However, the origin  of the original word is quite esoteric, and your
} Oracle had to consult many ancient texts not available to the general
} public in order to research your question thoroughly and thus give you
} the most accurate answer possible.
}
} Militia: This is the name of an ancient recipe from the ancient land of
} Atlantis. The recipe (which follows) eventually spread to Rome and
} Athens where its name gradually evolved into the word delicious
} (because of differences in Greek and Roman pronounciation) and where
} its ingredients also underwent great change because of the war-like
} nature of people not from Atlantis.
}
} Recipe for Half-Baked Militia...
}
} With your sharpest sword, peel one dozen scalps from the nearest corps
} of enemies.  Chop fine with a short dagger and saute two cups at a time
} in olive oil until translucent. When finished, mix the entire amount
} with two quarts (sharkops) of tomato sauce seasoned with basil and
} garlic. Layer the mixture onto sheets of lasagna. Place in a pit fire
} until half-baked.
}
} Remove from friendly fire and sprinkle generously and heavily with
} fresh gunpowder to a depth of 38mm.  To serve sequal portions to all,
} return half-baked militia to the fire and order guests to cover their
} ears.
}
} Serves 300 or more.
}
} You owe the Oracle one free pass to the Mess Hall.


719-04    (9tFf6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh wise and exalted Oracle, I a humble supplicant, ask you in your
> all-knowing ways to answer a question that is not worthy of your
> magnificence.
>
> If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we make a deodorant last
> past noon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We, as Supreme Authority in the field of predictions, foretellings, and
} good bets on the stock market, have regretfully to inform you that
} putting a man on the moon (several, actually: alas, I had to watch
} their childlike skipping from the deck of my otherwise peaceful summer
} residence in hyperspace) and making deodorants with effective
} half-lives of 87 minutes were both part of the same marketing strategy.
}
} The responsible multiplanetary, SpamCanCorp Ltd (of which I am an
} honorary director and whose per diems keep me in long lunches at
} the Restaurant at the End of the Universe) carried out this highly
} successful plan quite a while back -- when Ban was a word for both
} one of the few mortal products sold to sanitize a hygienically
} confortable but socially insecure populace, and for the proposed
} end of a highly lucrative arms race.
}
} Our VP for strategic planning (now retired on the very satisfactory
} bonus earned from a similar scheme involving cheap handguns, burglar
} alarms and movies about serial killers) had the simple but effective
} idea of co-marketing two products against which North American humans
} had few defences: the desire to climb to the top of the highest visible
} peak and do really silly tricks, and the desire to stand at the centre
} of attention and make everybody love you.
}
} Of course once a human does either of these things successfully once,
} what do you do for an encore, and how much are you willing to pay for
} the same thrill all over again? We decided the cost-benefit of
} underwriting another first-man-on-the-next-planet expedition was
} unattractive; and besides, timeshares on Mars were an up-and-coming
} market our Board didn't want to break out too early.
}
} Our creative team had the unoriginal but effective idea that the next
} best market enhancement was to just, sort of, shorten the life of the
} product somewhat. After you get everyone hooked on that nice gentle
} scent and clean feeling at 9 AM, you just engineer it to tail off at
} 11:35 AM, just before that date with the truly interesting guy/girl you
} met at your last aerobics class.
}
} You have no idea how this generates sales -- how many bottles of the
} stuff get left behind in office washrooms or lost at the back of desk
} drawers. You have even less idea how rich that VP got on replacement
} purchases, even before the thing with the handguns.
}
} Shame, you say. Immoral. A waste. But our former VP drives a
} Galaxy-Class Porsche and holidays in another dimension with much better
} weather.
}
} Being an immortal and all, with an image to protect, I personally go
} for more ethical development schemes. I could interest you in a project
} to preserve the heritage features of threatened Black Holes, if you
} had a few extra quadrillions to put up and were willing to wait a while
} for return on investment.
}
} In any case, you don't get insider information for free. You owe the
} Oracle a new deck umbrella and a round of well aged green cheese.


719-05    (3gyti dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle I beg of you to help me with my difficulty. I have been
> perusing the ancient text of Homer, 'The Odyssey', and two questions of
> beneficial importance have befallen upon me.
> Firstly, o great one, please tell me what the crucial qualities of
> Odysseus' character are.
> Secondly, o heinous wonder, to what extent does Homer seem to approve
> of the aforementioned qualities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Odysseus is widely agreed to be the prototypical male.  His adventures
} spanning, oh, a whole wack of years, demonstrate the one fundamental
} male trait.  This trait can be summed up as "Whenever you're lost,
} DON'T ask for directions."  Wander for years, consult that AAA map (the
} one that's been folded and unfolded so many times that it has become an
} origami animal with a life of its own) at least once every hour, stare
} determinedly ahead at the endless road as if sheer willpower alone will
} make the exit for St. Louis magically appear, heck, let a few of your
} friends get turned into pigs if you have to, but the LAST thing you
} should ever do is stop on the nearest island and say, "Hey, Dmitri,
} which is the quickest way out of the Aegean anyway?"
}
} As for Homer's opinion of these qualities, I think he prefers beer and
} donuts myself.  But it can't hurt to ask.  He's probably over at Moe's
} having a brew.
}
} You owe the Oracle directions back to Indiana University. But don't
} tell anyone I asked.


719-06    (6gArf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O glorious and most greatly high Oracle
>
> Almighty high dude and gnarly wave shredder
>
> Please enlighten your humble supplicant
>
> I wish to come up with an impressive name for my friend's new yacht, a
> name that nobody has used on a yacht before in this country.
>
> What name would The Almighty Oracle suggest for this wonderous yacht?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, to choose a name that has never been used before, we must
} examine the naming schemes that have been used in the past.  The Oracle
} is an avid boater, and in fact, contrary to popular belief, He was the
} first person to circumnavigate the globe in a primitive watercraft.
} This was in the First Olympian Regatta, which the Oracle would have won
} if he hadn't been disqualified for *ZOT*ting the competition.
}
} The most common naming scheme for boats seems to involve the name of a
} woman.  Usually one that you are infatuated with at the time you buy
} the boat, and who winds up spending all your money, drinking herself
} into oblivion, and constantly complaining that "you spend too much time
} on that damned boat."  So, the world's harbors are filled with boats
} named things like "Gloria's Hope", "The Anna Lynn", or "The Love Boat",
} and boat captains who sulk a lot and who would love to take a can of
} spraypaint to the backs of their boats if only they didn't have seven
} years of payments left.
}
} So, women's names are right out.  The next most popular theme is to use
} a name that conjures images of adventure:  "North Wind", "Next
} Horizon", "The Love Boat".  Names like this make the captains feel like
} the dashing heroes of old who would find new lands and vanquish
} pirates, when instead they tend to spend most of their time talking to
} their therapists about Gloria and Anna Lynn.
}
} So, the best thing to do is avoid these topics and pick a name that is
} as totally unlike those mentioned above as possible.  The added benefit
} is that by not naming your boat after a woman or an adventurous ideal,
} you will save yourself thousands of dollars in paint and therapy.
}
} The Oracle suggests the name "Bob's Boat".
}
} You owe the Oracle a wedding picture of Anna Lynn and your therapist.


719-07    (bmAla dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Although I work for an oracle, sometimes it's the wrong one.
>
> I am lost! I want to mail to several people that are locked up in the
> X400 worl d. How do I do this? For instance, consider the following
> adress:
>
>  G=FN S=LName PRMD=OLYMPICS96 ADMD=ATTMAIL C=US
>
> How on earth do I go about reaching this very dear friend of mine on
> mail from norway?
>
> My own mail connection is through a gateway on the company's WAN, but
> all this does, is chucking the messages out on the internet. I have
> heard there are gateways out there, but I do not know how to access
> them. If you know the answer, please help me with syntax and adresses
> to mail her, and also instructions for her on how to mail me back.
>
> As a return favor, I can help with information on how to mail between
> internet and IBM's IBMMAIL network in the closed world of AS400's and
> larger blue beasts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You say you work for an oracle and that the WAN just chucks
} e-mail out on the Internet?  The first thing you need to do
} is ask your oracle, "How much e-mail to my girl friend can
} your e-mail chucker chuck, if your e-mail chucker could
} chuck e-mail?" This will ensure that the system has
} sufficient e-mail capacity for your needs.
}
} You could also post a message to several hundred Usenet user
} groups about your problem (say, every one with "mail" or
} "computer" in its title.  You will be sure to get many
} interesting responses.
}
} Or, JUST SEND HER A #()&^&* LETTER ASKING FOR HER INTERNET
} E-MAIL ADDRESS!  If she's got one, your e-mail chucker
} should chuck it right to her, for chrissake!  Or give her a
} phone call and ask!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel (a good one), and 12 suggestions
} on how I can get supplicants to think for themselves.


719-08    (8cmGg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can anyone tell me how to acess bulliten boards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  I'm absolutely sure *somebody* can tell you.
} Oh, you want *me* to tell you?  Well, why didn't you say
} so in the first place?  Take a seat, and do try to be a
} little more precise in future.
}
} There are a couple of different kinds of bulletin board.
} They have in common a cork surface, to which notices can
} be attached with thumbtacks or push-pins.  Thumbtacks are
} the time-honored tradition, but the newer push-pins are
} easier to remove, and are thus better suited for items
} that you expect to take down after a short time.
}
} Some bulletin boards are publicly accessible - all you
} have to do is walk up to them, hold your notice up to the
} board, and impale it with one or more tacks.  The number
} of tacks required depends on the physical size of your
} notice:  a full sheet of paper requires at least two
} tacks, and preferably four (one in each corner).  Any
} note less than 1/6 of a sheet can be posted with just a
} single tack in the middle of the top edge.
}
} There are other bulletin boards which are kept locked,
} with a glass cover over them.  The notices on these
} "read-only" boards can be observed by anyone, but in
} order to post notices, you need building manager access
} privileges.  This is most often gained by use of a small
} device called a "key," with a special access password
} encoded on it as a sequence of bumps and dents.  The
} usual method of getting the key is by making friends
} with the building manager, and then simply asking her.
} There are other techniques, well known to bulletin
} board "crackers," but I'm not going to go into those.
}
} As a final note, I must mention that it is possible to
} write notices directly on the cork surface of a bulletin
} board with a pen.  However, this is considered to be
} very bad form, and I strongly discourage you from doing
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bunch of 3"x4" slips of paper.


719-09    (qrlfb dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh No
>
> that wasn't a magnetically shielded multimedia speaker then

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Voiceover [off camera]: "That's right, Mr. Bill! It was a case of TNT!"
}
} [Cut to close-up of Mr. Bill's head]
}
} Mr. Bill: "Oh, nooooooooo!"
}
} Oracle: *ZOT!*
}
} [Mr. Bill vaporizes in a flash of exploding Play-Doh]


719-10    (inlfn dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question lacks substance.


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