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Internet Oracularities #72

Goto:
72, 72-01, 72-02, 72-03, 72-04, 72-05, 72-06, 72-07, 72-08, 72-09, 72-10


Usenet Oracularities #72
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 2 Dec 89 22:05:38 GMT

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72-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O Oracle most wise in the ways of Personkind
>
> What is the sound of one hand slapping you silly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It goes:
} <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
} <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Oooooooooooooooh!
} <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
} <smakkk> >>KRAK!!<< EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeK!
} <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
} <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Oooooooooooooooh!
} <smakkk> >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
} <smakkk> >>KRAK!!<< EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeK!
} Oh, God, STOP IT, STOP IT, AAAAAARGH!
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of lovers' dungeon equipment.


72-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>       What is the percentage of computer science grad students
> that are geeks, and how can I meet some drama majors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, let us look upon the definition of the word geek:
}
} geek \'ge-k\ n [prob.  fr.  E dial.  geek, geck fool, fr.  LG geck, fr.
}    MLG] : a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usu.
}    includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake.
}
} From this definition, we can see that only a small percentage of
} computer science grad students are actually practicing geeks (about 8%),
} while a great many more (38.2%) actually are closet geeks who's thoughts
} constantly turn to the myriad completely gross, yet fascinating things
} that can be done with small animals.
}
} The Oracle knows of your secret wish to join the circus (or a rock
} group) and practice your fascination in public, and it also knows of
} your silent struggle to suppress these feelings for fear that the
} descent public will not accept you.  However, there is no need to fear.
} Your are in the company of other geeks who have gained much fame and
} money (ie.  such as Ozzie Osbourne, who was a computer science grad
} student).
}
} Come out of the closet and express yourself on some nearby livestock!
}
} As for your second question, drama majors may be easily purchased at the
} nearest Drama Shop.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head a live chicken or snake.


72-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write documentation.  Is this the right job for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By sending Me a message consisting of two well-formed, correctly spelt,
} grammatical sentences which make complete sense without the need for a
} knowledge of exactly what it is you're describing, you have proved
} beyond any doubt that:
}
}     WRITING DOCUMENTATION IS THE ***WRONG*** JOB FOR YOU.
}
} People who write documentation would have written:
}
} My employment situation (Part # 23435674565-001) as of this instant in
} time requires I engage in documentary printed format output (art Nos.
} 343434243-6 through 6645675).  There is a glass of orange juice on my
} head.  Kindly oblige me with your approximate estimate of the
} appropriateness for myself of task onto assinned what like I have been.
} THIS LINE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK


72-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this Lisa woman, and why is she our net.sex.goddess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A mortal who does not know Lisa the net.sex.goddess can not understand
} the mere words.  A human male must preform the following ritual in order
} to come to know Lisa the net.sex.goddess:
}
} 1:  Stay in the terminal room very late, wait for everyone else to
} leave.  You must be coding in C, Pascal, Modula-2, or assembly.
}
} 2:  After all are gone, take out the five bannanas (four is OK if one
} has been eaten) and lay them around the terminal.
}
} 3:  Turn out all of the lights so that the room is bathed in the light
} of the CRTs.
}
} 4:  Attempt to contact Lisa by typing lisa at the C prompt repetitivly.
}
} Good luck...


72-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a cure for Empire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only cure to empire lies in the glorious revolution by the
} proletariate against their bourgeoise imperialist overlords.  Only by
} throwing off their shackles can the workers of the world truly be free!
} Down with the Imperialist Yankee pig dogs!  Long live the Revolution!
} The workers control the means of production!  Stalin took flowers to his
} mother every week!  Raisa Gorbachev is one hot babe!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Communist Manifesto, signed (in
} passion-pink lipstick) "Love and Kisses, Raisa"


72-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> M<W!O;VPO;6%I;"\D55-%4@IS970@;6%I;#TD34%)3`IL:6UI="!C;W)E9'5M
> M<'-I>F4@,`IS971E;G8@5DE354%,('YJ:&%L;&5N+V4*<V5T96YV($5$251/
> M4B!^:FAA;&QE;B]E"G5M87-K(#`R-PIS970@<&%T:#TH+B`D2$]-12]B:6X@
> M8"]U<W(P+VQO8V%L+W-Y<R]S>7-P871H8"D*8FEF9B!N"FUE<V<@;@IC:&UO

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ........I'm sorry, but the Oracle is not home right now.  In fact, I
} have no idea where the f***ing omniscient being is!  It's always going
} off without telling me where its going, and then coming back at some
} god-awful time of night reeking of ambrosia and singing off-color deity
} theme-songs.  And what about me?  Here I am, married to an omniscient
} being, and It can't even remember my anniversary!  Anyway, I suppose if
} you leave a message at the beep, It will already have answered your
} question.........***BEEP***
}
} You owe the Oracle's wife a tasteful anniversary gift--maybe a wok.


72-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where should I eat tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dude!  I haven't heard from you in ages!!  You know, you've become a bit
} of a folk hero around here ever since you spiked the East German
} leader's last few meals with LSD.  He's still trippin' on that last
} batch you made, and he's still deluded into thinking that communism
} sucks and that the breaking of the Berlin Wall will snag him the Nobel
} Peace Prize next year.  Good trick!  It's nice to know that in all the
} excitement you still haven't forgotten your good buddy, the Oracle.
}
} I can understand why you wouldn't want to eat in E.  Germany, or any
} other Soviet bloc country, for that matter.  The Ruskies have a pretty
} high price on your head now that you've converted one of their best
} subordinates.  Hmm, where to eat...  Oh, heck, why don't you come on
} over to my place for chow tonight?  We can chug a few brews, cook up a
} couple of steaks and shoot the bull for a while.  I'll even invite Lisa
} over (you know how she gets after a few drinks ;^) ) and you two can do
} whatever you want later when I shut down for the night.
}
} You don't owe me anything, though I'd appreciate it if you'd call me now
} and again.  Maybe cook me dinner next time, too, OK?


72-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When snow melts, what happens to the white?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} drip dlip
}                         drip
}
}                                             drop
}        trickle                            drop
}            dripple drip
}                        dropdrip
}    drip
}
}         splash!
}
} puddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddle
} puddlepuddlepuddle          puddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddle
}     puddlepuddle puddle                         puddlepuddlepuddlepuddle
} puddlepuddle puddle          puddle            puddlepuddle puddlepuddle
}   puddlepuddle puddle                        puddle    puddle     puddle
}      puddle           puddlepuddle   puddlepuddle puddle  puddle puddle


72-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     I obtained the following information:
>
> Script started on Fri Dec  1 22:27:40 1989
> % finger oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
> [iuvax.cs.indiana.edu]
> Login name: oracle                      In real life: The Usenet Oracle
> Office:     c/o kinzler
> Directory:  /usr/spool/oracle           Shell: /bin/csh
> Never logged in.
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> % exit
> script done on Fri Dec  1 22:28:16 1989
>
>   O, mighty oracle, how can this be?  How do you do it.  You don't even
> LOG IN!
>   And mighty oracle, if you never log in, why do you need a directory?
> Please tell me.  This is fascinating.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, easy.  I know the root password.  I know yours, too.
}
} I know everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle the patches to the fingerd security hole.


72-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do Americans celebrate Superbowl?  is she the religious holiday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Superbowl is a special time that comes but once a year.  Many
} rituals must be performed to observe "Superbowl Sunday" as it is called.
}
}  1) All the male members of a household must form an enclave before the
}     altar.
}
}  2) Many female members may attend.  Few, however, are as religious as
}     the men are.
}
}  3) Ritual sacrifices are collected.  These can be as varied as crackers
}     and gourmet hot dogs but necessities include pretzels, beer, and
}     good old-fashioned burnt hamburgers.
}
}  4) No work is allowed.  This is a sabbath day.
}
}  5) Special members are allowed to enjoy the ceremony in person, rather
}     than having to watch through the electronic altar.  These members
}     must pay a tithing and pray ferverently for their token of
}     attendance.
}
}  6) The holy ceremony is very steeped in ritual and must be watched to
}     be fully appreciated.  The dance of the "cheerleaders" (special
}     acolytes) is supposed to be related to other religion's ferility
}     rites (this does occur just before spring) and the competition of
}     the "champions" (sometimes called players) is a tribute to the gods
}     of war.
}
}  7) Holy figures can be found everywhere.  High-ranking officials of the
}     church can be found wearing special clothes (in black and white,
}     portraying their ambivalence) and using "flags of power".
}
}  8) The ritual lasts for several hours, allowing all in attendance to
}     become rather inebriated.
}
}  9) The church collects a great deal of money for the rituals.  Some of
}     this money is given to the members of the church.
}
} 10) Relics of the ritual are also sold to support the church.  These
}     relics include timekeeping equipment, calendars, and other
}     implements required for advanced culture.
}
} 11) The celebration lasts well into the next few days.
}
} You owe the oracle a Superbowl ring.


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