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Internet Oracularities #720

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Usenet Oracularities #720    (93 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 08:22:43 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   720
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

720   93 votes 5hrz9 brzf5 4jxod 16qEk 8hynb 7ssl9 auC87 ahpqf 5juof 7qwj9
720   3.1 mean  3.3   2.7   3.2   3.8   3.1   3.0   2.7   3.2   3.3   3.0


720-01    (5hrz9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh! So sorry! Did I get the wrong apartment again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa: "Orrie, I think there's someone here to see you."
}
} [The Usenet Oracle, dressed in silk smoking jacket and slippers (a la
} Heff), ambles to the front door.]
}
} Oracle: "You again, eh? You're beginning to annoy me. This is the
} apartment of the Usenet Oracle. You want the apartment of the
} Microsoft-Net Debacle, right next door."
}
} [The Oracle slams the door and storms back to the bedroom.]
}
} Lisa: "Orrie, dear, who was that and what did he want?"
}
} Oracle [off camera]: "It's the Gates boy from next door. Whenever he
} comes home drunk he gets the wrong apartment."
}
} [Fade to black. Fade in to a Windows desktop with multiple apps, all
} frozen.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows 95 that doesn't crash.


720-02    (brzf5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have reoccuring dreams in which Bob Dole (who is my father in the
> dream) spreads Grey Poupon over the naked, prostrate form of Danielle
> Steele (who is my mother's half sister in the dream) while reciting
> passages from Willa Cather's "Death of the Archbishop" - what does this
> mean????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry, that's a perfectly normal, healthy dream. Now if Bob had
} been spreading >ketchup< over her...well, that would mean you were a
} sick, twisted individual. But that's obviously not the case.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pinch of wasabi.


720-03    (4jxod dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky maroon with green and yellow stripes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Universe is filled with little particles of energy: morons,
} washingtons, republicons, telethons, and futons.  Futons come in every
} conceivable color: ultrafuchsia, off-beige, and, of course, maroon
} with green and yellow stripes.
}
} Your local celestial body (which many cultures call the Sun, but which
} some call Cindy Crawford) gives off lots of these futons in every color
} of the oobleck-bow.  The molecules which make up the sky (mostly
} androgen, with some oxymoron and a little carbonated cola) reflect
} most of these futons back off into space, which is why from space the
} planet looks like the floor of the Oracle's dormitory on Saturday
} morning.
}
} Curiously, these molecules are transparent to the
} maroon-with-green-and-yellow-stripes futons, which zip right down and
} intersect the eyeball, right on the end of its stalk.  So, the sky is
} maroon with green and yellow stripes.
}
} You owe the Oracle the really BIG box of Crayolas (with built-in
} sharpener).


720-04    (16qEk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O eloquent Oracle, who can sing like Elvis, dance like Michael Jackson,
> and write like Chaucer (except much better than all of them), please
> tell me:
>
> How do you declare on your income tax forms all the offerings which
> your supplicants provide you as thanks for answering their questions?
> Your schedules of itemized deductions must be pages and pages long,
> too. Do you handle it all yourself, or do you saddle one of your poor
> High Priests with the mundane job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, spring, when a young man's fancy turns to....taxes.
}
} No, I don't declare the gifts that I am given as income, it is more of
} a situation like a waitress gets - she's supposed to declare her tips
} as income, but nobody can actually prove how much she got.  If she gets
} audited, she can claim that she works in a restaraunt frequented by
} skinflints, which is why she only made, say, 8 bucks in tips that year.
}
} One thing that the Oracle has going for him is that the gifts owed are
} so rarely collected - I get a lot of "the check is in the e-mail" type
} of replies, rather than, say, the 12 cases of dragon repellant and the
} fair maiden that I am STILL owed from somewhere around Oracularity 560.
} Also, many of the gifts that I demand are not something that you could
} put an intrinsic value on, which also means it's not taxable.  Or at
} least not provable.
}
} The key, my friend, is to creatively name things.  Take, for instance,
} the 30 pounds of gold I got a few weeks back - I consider that to
} be, for tax purposes anyway, a heavy metal, for which I am providing
} storage and disposal. As there are many companies (waste managemant,
} for instance), who make a living taking heavy metals from people
} and disposing of them properly, I took this as a tax DEDUCTION,
} based on the quantity of this heavy metal.  Even though I did not
} actually CHARGE the supplicant for disposing of his gold, I donated
} the resources of the storage and disposal of said "hazardous waste",
} and wrote the donation off on my taxes.
}
} So, you see, with enough creativity you can write off just about
} anything.  You just need to know how to look at it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cake with a file in it.


720-05    (8hynb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle who is, no, who can, no...hmmm let me start over.
>
> Orrie, you and me have been friends for a long time. Instead of the
> normal grovelling, O, let me tell you a little story. And I swear, I am
> not making any of this up...
>
> I left my previous employer almost three years ago. You know, the one
> who provided me with mail and news.  Arriving with my current employer,
> I discovered that I had no news, no mail, and alas, no Oracle.  As a
> frequent grovelling supplicant and incarnation, I suffered severe
> Oracular withdrawal. Oh sure, I had printed some digests, but even your
> wisdom can get stale as the paper yellows.
>
> So I knew I had to act.  It was difficult, painful, and time-consuming,
> but you already know how motivating withdrawal can be, right?  First, I
> had to convince my new employer to get us online.  To do this I first
> had to get rid of the old sysadmin and install my own hand-picked
> replacement.  This took a year, during which I developed severe eye
> ticks and wore the edges off the printed digests.
>
> Having done that, we then had to convince the finance people that they
> could make money by buying something.  This was not easy, but
> eventually we prevailed. Another six months. My psychaitrist prescribed
> dexedrine to keep me awake and valium to help me sleep  and the printed
> digests fell apart at the folds.
>
> So we buy the hardware, select a provider, dump the provider, select
> another provider. Six more months.  I'm on Prozac now, and the digests
> have crumbled into dust.
>
> I get assigned to another project, with a different network and a
> different operating system. My handpicked sysadmin quits and his
> replacement doesn't have time to install a newsreader. I find a free
> news site that I can reach via two telnet hops, and nearly a babbling
> idiot, for the first time in almost THREE YEARS, I read the words as
> they pour life-giving energy into my depleted body: **ZOT**.
>
> So, that's it for the grovelling.  Sincere grovelling.  And now my
> question: Did you miss me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God, yes.  You have no idea how much I miss real supplicants like you,
} instead of those bastard "Uhhh...where's my cat?" people-things.  Just
} keep submitting and your withdrawal symptoms will go away.  BTW, you
} might have considered an ISP while you were waiting for your employer
} to let you email again...


720-06    (7ssl9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wonderous Oracle, thou who is so amazing that Steven Spielberg
> doesnt even dare to make an Amazing Story about you. You know
> everything and were even gracious enough not to publish the details of
> my adolescent growth chart. Could you please tell me.
>
> When I grow up will I be a Big Mac or A Whopper.
>
> Thanks very much,
>
> M.O.O. Cow

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tragically enough, you are destined, after a long and successful career
} of providing milk, to become 140 White Castle "Sliders".  Indeed, you
} will be the official "cause of death" listed for one Kevin Bernstein,
} who will collapse from a heart attack after setting the record for most
} Sliders in one setting.
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle a free cholesterol screening.


720-07    (auC87 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when in Rome is it really best to do as the Roman's do, or should one
> just be true to oneself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In these more recent times it is acceptable in most instances to do as
} you usually do but under no circumstances should you do as the
} Visigoths did.
}
} You owe the Oracle a serving of lasagna, please.  Lots of sauce and
} lots of cheese.


720-08    (ahpqf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> most unusual library source

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} sentence fragment
} owe Oracle grammar book


720-09    (5juof dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Fuzzy Oracle, who is the only one on the Internet who knows
> that I am a dog, who do humans have such puny noses?
>                                                       -Fido

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I should think they've outgrown muzzles! I mean, it's 1995,
} they've got semiconductors, superconductors, medicine and religion!
} They've got nuclear power, space travel, satellite telecommunications,
} and an intricate globally-recognized currency system. They've *been*
} to the Moon and back, while you lot have been too busy *howling* at it
} to even notice!
}
} And what are you doing about it all? Furiously attempting to establish
} an interspecies dialogue and a technology transfer program?
}
} Nooo!
}
} It's always, sure, you'd love to -- it's just that you've got to mark
} off this bit of territory first so that big bloodhound won't get it.
} Or, sure, maybe tomorrow -- it's just that tonight you've got a date
} with this gorgeous little Welsh Corgi to go dig for dinner at the
} landfill.
}
} Come on, Fido! Stand up and show a little backbone! You're a
} vertebrate now! It's time you started acting like one.
}
} Do you know that humans are building a global information society
} based on semiconductor technology? They can send messages around the
} *world* in seconds! That kind of puts your territorial squabbles in a
} different perspective, doesn't it? You've got to catch up, Fido!
}
} I'm sorry to say it, Fido, and you know I'll always love you, but I'm
} really disappointed in you. You've got to get up on your feet and
} start thinking about your future! The future of dogs everywhere!
}
} I'm worried about you, Fido. I'm afraid you're going to end up like
} your father. Do you want to end up like your father? "Sacrificed" on
} the altar of human medicine? Are you ready to give up your life so
} that some old geezing monkey might live a little longer? Think about
} it, Fido! That's the trouble with you lot, you're always so bloody
} amazingly, touchingly, eye-wateringly *loyal*! ...
}
} ... look at me now, talking to the dog again... I need to get out of
} the Palace more.


720-10    (7qwj9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie!
>
> I just got word of secret lemur plans to take over the NBC broadcasting
> network.  Can you tell me what NBC programs will be like if they
> succeed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Nocturnal Broadcasting Company.
} Mind you, I will not contribute to the world of speculation these
} rumors have caused. I will say that if it were to happen, you might see
} this.
}
} E.R.: "The same, but different." Their new slogan will usher in a new
} drama, not about a hospital, but about a veterinary clinic.
}
} M.A.S.H.: "The forgotten story." The forgotten story of all the rodents
} killed when landmines were planted in their family rooms. Starring
} identical twin woodchucks as Pippy and Zippy, the woodchuck babies who
} wander into the M.A.S.H. 4077, and are adopted by Radar.
}
} The Nightly News will be replaced by the Today show, and the Today show
} will be replaced by the Nightly News.
}
} Seinfeld will add a lovable rodent character to play the love interest
} of George, pushing the borders of acceptable romance on network
} television.
}
} Educational programming will be banned becuse Lemurs already know
} pretty much everything there is to know.
}
} All AFC football games will be played on natural grass. Stepping on a
} lemur will be an automatic 15 yard penalty. Plenty of lemurs will be
} imported from Zaire to make the game more interesting.
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to the broadway revival of Tarzan, the
} lyricless musical.


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