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Internet Oracularities #721

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Usenet Oracularities #721    (91 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 08:27:56 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   721
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

721   91 votes 2nxs5 4lDm5 jmfjg fkpjc amiho 7qwk6 elkoc 6nsjf gxtc1 6ewhm
721   3.0 mean  3.1   3.0   2.9   2.9   3.3   2.9   3.0   3.2   2.4   3.4


721-01    (2nxs5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is it that police officers can pop in at the least expected times
> while driving fast.  IE on a very long straight road where you can see
> for miles.??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Police officers are issued several licenses after graduation from
} Authority Academy.  One better-known license is for firearms.  But very
} few mortals outside of the sphere of the police themselves are aware of
} the standard-issue Dramatic License.  This allows officers to
} conveniently ignore or modify the laws of physics if doing so would
} advance your personal story line.  So, given a moment in which it would
} be most poignant or ironic for a summons to be issued, a cop will
} invoke the old DL, and *ZOT*!  There they are.
}
} You owe the Oracle license and registration.


721-02    (4lDm5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I guess I'm going to get blamed again, huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it is all your fault, isn't it? After all, you were responsible
} for the sinking of "One Australia" in the America's cup yacht race, you
} were asleep on the job at Chernobyl. You left your iceberg in the way
} when the Titanic sunk, you put your black t-shirt in with your mum's
} white sheets in the wash. You were in the audience of the pilot for
} 90210 and voted yes, it should go into production. Remember, if all
} else fails, blame the new guy who doesn't speak the national language.
}
} Thank you for not burdening the Oracle with all your mistakes, but you
} still owe the Oracle a new pair of socks.


721-03    (jmfjg dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, when a musical group releases a greatest hits
> compilation album, and then later releases an album with
> completely new songs on it, does that mean that the new
> songs aren't great?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We spoke with Fred Schmertzwerth, the lead screecher for the
} up-and-coming Seattle rock group Dumping Ground, for the lowdown on
} that question.
}
} O: [ding] Mr. Schmertzwerth, it's me, the Usenet Oracle.
}
} S: Orrie! I'll be right down.
}
} We walked into his living room, a pleasant, homely (if spartan)
} accomodation smelling pleasantly of marijuana and sauteed shoes.
}
} O: Thank you so much for your time, Fred.
}
} S: Glad to help, Orrie.
}
} O: As the viewers at home know, you've just released your greatest hits
}      album, Taking A Dump.  And of course, next month is Dumping
}      Ground's next record, Sailing the Seas of Tofu.  What we want to
}      know is, does that mean such classics as Federal Bong and My
}      Girlfriend's Cat is the Antichrist are no longer great, what with
}      the impending release of more potential classics?
}
} S: Well, Orrie, that's long been a subject of debate among the music
}      community.  My personal take on the subject is that any song
}      written after an attempt to smoke your own height on the bong is
}      great.  Even greater if you actually do it.
}
} At this point Fred began to demonstrate.  He did in fact have a bong as
} tall as him, and managed to suck down about four feet of smoke before
} dropping to the floor in a coughing fit.  He then sat up and wrote the
} following song:
}
} Weird Fudge, by Fred Schmertzwerth
}
}      As if my pasta chef cared
}      Not like I ever dared
}      The pizza is purple
}      The chicken parm is fresh
}      I like to sing like Adam Sandler
}      And jam on the theremin with John Tesh
}
} refrain
}      So kill my spaghetti demon
}      And fry my linguini lord
}      and hit the lights with the baccala
}      and bonk me with a gourd
}
}      sukiyakiyukiyakiyukiyakiyukiyaki
}
}      And tomorrow's just a black hole
}      On the ravioli of today
}      And the spiedini in the bowl
}      All have something to say
}      But my linguini lord has lost it
}      And so have I, I'm a manta ray!
}
} refrain
}
}      And they say every song needs a bridge
}      So this is it
}      We don't usually put one in because it's tough
}      We'd rather pig out on italian food
}
} (At this point, a musical bit that can only be described as a couch
} solo)
}
}      And I don't wanna rhyme
}      And I don't have to make sense
}      Because I'm from Seattle
}      And I don't have to
}
} Refrain until deafness
}
} And I have to admit, after a couple of hits, it really started to make
} sense.
}
} So in general, the whole question of...wait a minute, what was it
} again?
}
} Oh, frig it, gimme a Twinkie.
}
} You owe the Oracle a logic board.  I fried mine.


721-04    (fkpjc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   But that trick never works.
}
}   And now, here's something I know I'll really like:
}
}   <<ZOT!>>
}
}   (No doubt about it, I gotta get another batch of supplicants.)


721-05    (amiho dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mostly (OK, totally) mighty Oracle,
>
> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a soda pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, an original question! I don't know the answer!
}
} So let us experiment.
}
} <BAMF!>
}
} Hi, gimme six Cokes. Thanks. Do you take Olympian Express? No? Okay,
} I won't force it on you.
}
} <BAMF!>
}
} Hmm... Well, I suppose the procedure is clear. Start counting!
}
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick <BREATHE> mmgg. I gotta get a glafthfht of watebtb.
} How mady wafthf <smack smack> How many was that already?
}
} WHAT?! I told you to keep count! Damn. Well, we'll have to try a
} fresh one, this one's ruined now. <Popfssht> <glug glug glug glug>
} Ahhhh. Now, keep careful count!
}
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
}
} How many is that?
}
} 33? Hmm. The soda pop doesn't seem much affected yet. I'll carry
} on. Ready to count?
}
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick <BREATHE>.
}
} <Wheeze!> How many is that?
}
} Um.. This may take a while. Count.
}
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
} Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>.
}
} [57 minutes and 7081 licks later:]
}
} <Wheeze> lick <wheeze> lick <wheeze> lick <wheeze> <gasp> Bleah.
}
} I don't think this is going to yield a result.
} Will you take a lower constraint for an answer?
}
} Oh, have mercy!
}
} Fine. Fine! Count!!
}
} Lick lick lick <wheeze>.
} Lick lick lick <wheeze>.
} Lick lick lick <wheeze>.
} Lick lick lick <wheeze>.
}
} [... and so it goes, until ...]
}
} Lick <wheeze gasp wheeze>. Hey! I'm tasting something! I'm tasting
} something!  Lick lick lick lick <scratch> <slurp> I'm through! I can
} stick my tongue through the hole! I CAN REACH THE CENTER!
}
} That's it! <glugglugglugglugglug> <toss> <clang!> <BUR-R-R-R-RP!>
}
} Phew! I must have ingested 20,000% of the Olympus RDA of aluminium.
} See, my tongue is reflecting the sunlight! <Bleah> <ppththp> <blah!>
} Hee hee... How many licks was that, then?
}
} You sure? You really counted every one? 117651... Wow.
}
} Well, now we know!


721-06    (7qwk6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me the meaning of life o great oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    That's an intriguing question, o seeker of knowledge!  Interestingly
} enough, there isn't just one meaning of life.... it's different
} for everyone!  Depends on who you are and what you are destined to
} accomplish in life!
}      For example, a young man asked me that question a few days ago.
} Knowing that he is going to solve the mystery of cold fusion twelve
} years from now, I told him the meaning of life is: PHYSICS!  He went
} happily on his way, another satisfied customer.  Not too long ago,
} a tall guy who was questioning some career choices he made recently
} asked me about the meaning of life.  I told him, "Michael, my man,
} it definitely ain't baseball!" and he's much happier now.
}      Of course, all of this doesn't answer *your* question!  For you, o
} pilgrim, the meaning of life is "Spam."


721-07    (elkoc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle who is, no, who can, no...hmmm let me start over.
>
> Orrie, you and me have been Instead of the normal grovelling, O, let me
> tell you a little story. And I swear, I am not making any of this up...
>
> I left my previous employer almost three years ago. You know, the one
> who provided me with mail and news.  Arriving with my current employer,
> I discovered that I had no news, no mail, and alas, no Oracle.  As a
> frequent grovelling supplicant and incarnation, I suffered severe
> Oracular withdrawal. Oh sure, I had printed some digests, but even your
> wisdom can get stale as the paper yellows.
>
> So I knew I had to act.  It was difficult, painful, and time-consuming,
> but you already know how motivating withdrawal can be, right?  First, I
> had to convince my new employer to get us online.  To do this I first
> had to get rid of the old sysadmin and install my own hand-picked
> replacement.  This took a year, during which I developed severe eye
> ticks and wore the edges off the printed digests.
>
> Having done that, we then had to convince the finance people that they
> could make money by buying something.  This was not easy, but
> eventually we prevailed. Another six months. My psychaitrist prescribed
> dexedrine to keep me awake and valium to help me sleep  and the printed
> digests fell apart at the folds.
>
> So we buy the hardware, select a provider, dump the provider, select
> another provider. Six more months.  I'm on Prozac now, and the digests
> have crumbled into dust.
>
> I get assigned to another project, with a different network and a
> different operating system. My handpicked sysadmin quits and his
> replacement doesn't have time to install a newsreader. I find a free
> news site that I can reach via two telnet hops, and nearly a babbling
> idiot, for the first time in almost THREE YEARS, I read the words as
> they pour life-giving energy into my depleted body: **ZOT**.
>
> So, that's it for the grovelling.  Sincere grovelling.  And now my
> question: Did you miss me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} **ZOT** Missed
} **ZOT** Missed
} ***ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT****
}
} Got him.  Don't miss you anymore.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flame broiled bacon burger.


721-08    (6nsjf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent woodchuck of them all!
>
> My adoration for you is without bounds, uncomprehensibly large! I
> grovel in front you, almighty! The species of woodchuck is the most
> nobel one in the universe, and You, Oh Greatest One, are the absolute
> best of the best, on heights more unreachable than the most far of
> quasars! Please consider my humble question, if I am not unworthy...
>
> What should I do to get ZOTted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arrgh..  I can't believe my eyes..  You DARE call ME by that name, that
} species, that furry spawn from hell..  well, I COULD just *ZOT* the
} hell out of you, but I'd rather tell you what you REALLY are..  A
} spineless woodchuck worshipping sphincter-brained turd eater!  Hah!
} What do you have to say to THAT?
}
} >incoming message from axon@senate.gov
}
} Uh oh..  Now I've really done it..
}
} >This message has been sent to inform you that the e-mail message you
} >are currently composing has been found to violate the Net Decency Code
} >in several ways, notably uses of the words "hell", "sphincter", and
} >"turd". Further use of such obscene terms will result in federal
} >prosecution with a possible fine of up to $100,000 if convicted.
}
} Wait a minute.  I'm an omnipotent being!  I'm not subject to U.S.
} federal laws!
}
} >You are conducting business in U.S. territory, therefore our laws
} >apply to you.  Be happy.  Be productive.  Pay your taxes.  That is
} >all.
}
} Sheesh...  Something has to be done about this..
}
} zot exon@senate.gov
}
} Hmm..  It looks as though I've answered your question.  All you have to
} do is be elected to public office, and be directly responsible for the
} Imminent Death of the Net(tm).
}
} You owe your signature on the petition against S. 314.


721-09    (gxtc1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle,
>
>      Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Axl, why'd you bother doing such a cheesy cover of that song?  You
} should have known you couldn't top the original.  And you send me the
} question with no groveling at all!  I'd *zot* the hell out of you, but
} all that would accomplish is that you would be martyred like another
} singer I could name..  (Hint: The line "forever in debt to your
} priceless advice.."  Guess who he was asking for help.  Everything was
} going fine too, til he asked me that damned w**dchuck question..)
}
} Anyway, give my best to Slash, and get yer ass back in the studio.
}
} You owe the Oracle a _decent_ followup to _Appetite for Destruction_
} and a concert where you take the stage on time.


721-10    (6ewhm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Internal Revenue Service
> Washington, D.C.
> April 4, 1995
>
> Attention Mr. "Oracle" --
>
>       This is to inform you that you are about to be audited. The
> Internal Revenue Service (henceforth referred to as "The Spanish
> Inquisition", or "the I.R.S.") has a number of concerns regarding
> your past returns. A few representative examples:
>
> -- For the tax year 1993, you declared gross income of $6,125.25, and
> deductions of $12.4 million, thus resulting in a net taxable income
> of zero. However, a survey of your publication "The Usenet
> Oracularities", indicates that you requested payments in kind
> equivalent to a cash value of $137 million, in the published responses
> alone. This is, to say the least, a serious discrepancy.
>
> -- In addition, no royalties for said publication (the "Oracularities")
> have ever been declared. As well, no payroll taxes were paid for your
> employees (the "Priests"); you indicated that they are entirely, as you
> put it, "involuntary volunteers", compensated solely in Spam(TM). No
> large purchases of Spam have ever been registered in your name;
> however, there has been a suspiciously high rate of disappearance of
> house pets all over the state of Indiana in the past few years.
>
> -- Six months ago, Mr. Jack Snodgrass, an IRS investigator, was
> dispatched to secure an in-depth interview with you and scrutinize
> your accounting practices. He has not been seen since, although
> possible traces of his DNA were located in a suspicious pile of ash
> discovered later. Mr. Snodgrass' family is considering legal action,
> involving possible punitive damages.
>
> In the light of these distressing events, we have determined that it
> would be best for all concerned for a full audit, with the usual R&T
> (Rack and Thumbscrews) procedures, to be held as soon as possible.
> Expect an IRS team of commando accountants and legal paratroupers to
> arrive on Thursday at 2:00 PM.
>
>                               Yours Truly,
>                                               Alvin DeSade,
>                                               Auditor in Chief

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alvin DeSade
} Auditor-in-Chief
} Internal Parasite Service
} Washington, D.C.
}
} Dear Mr. DeSade,
}
}     From the tone of your letter, it appears that you are unaware of
} a recent change in the tax laws.  As part of the GOP's "Contract with
} Valhalla" (lesser known than its cousin, but so much more important),
} Oracular Entities have been granted tax preferences of which you
} mortals can only dream.
}
}     Indeed, I recently wrote off all the expenses of this temple
} here.  Business deduction, doncha know.  My priestly servants?
} Writeoff.  SPAM(tm) costs?  Writeoff.  And with the distribution costs
} of the Oracularities -- I write off the total cost of the Internet
} every year.
}
}     Punitive damages?  Hah!  Just try and get me in Court.  The
} federal courts lost jurisdiction over all Olympians on January 2.
}
}     In return for these benefits, we provided little services to the
} present leadership of the House and Senate.  For example, Loki here
} clouded the minds of most of the State of California (and you wondered
} how Prop 187 passed!).  Aphrodite there made Bob Dole appear lovable.
} Yes, you're too late, DeSade.  Too late indeed.
}
}                                                   Love,
}
}                                                   Orrie


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