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Internet Oracularities #722

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Usenet Oracularities #722    (99 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 1995 12:46:10 -0500

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   722
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

722   99 votes ovqc6 dysg8 6lqF5 2djBs 4diqC 5fqAh nxsa5 ivve5 dwyh3 9gAnf
722   3.0 mean  2.4   2.7   3.2   3.8   3.8   3.5   2.4   2.6   2.6   3.2


722-01    (ovqc6 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When reading data from multi-byte registers over the
> embedded EOC channel on the ISDN U interface (as in
> Bellcore TR-897), what order should the bytes be
> read in?  The TR doesn't seem to specify.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That would all depend on the interlocking crux of the inverse bit map.
} Most ISDN signals travel on the outside of the dielectric which would
} inverse the multi-threaded layer of the step.
}
} You owe the Oracle 4 bytes and a nibble


722-02    (dysg8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how to get into world wide web

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like the silken web of a spider there are many ways into the world wide
} web. The principal categories of entry are 1) as a spider; 2) as a
} meal; 3) as something so big that it destroys the web.  Where species
} best determines how you enter a spider's web, your temperament
} determines your fate in the www.  Supporting access to the internet is
} necessary (LAN connection, PPP, SLIP, etc), next a browser that reads
} the HTML files (e.g. Mosaic, Netscape, etc), and that is about it.
} Internet connections are getting easier and easier to find with
} Internet Access Providers all over the world.  Browsers are available
} from many locations on and off the internet (Compuserve, FTP, etc).
} Enter the web as a spider and, like the spider, mutual of omaha will
} (wait, sorry, wrong commercial).  Like the spider, you will find many
} valuable treasures.  Enter as a meal and the vastness will devour you.
} Enter as a destroyer and the web will engulf you, sticking to your
} unprotected skin,  and the angry spider will bite you over and over.
} Go now, my disciple, tread softly on the web, and its riches shall
} exceed your mildest dreams.


722-03    (6lqF5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does anyone know what happened to the coffee house that was once
> accessale to internet users?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's still around. Here's a copy of their advertisement that I pulled
} off of http://www.javathehut.com/:
}
} * * * ANNOUNCING Java the Hut, the INTERNET COFFEE HOUSE!! * * *
}
} Yes, this is for YOU!  You're a hopeless geek who doesn't know what
} the sun looks like and who hasn't had a date since 1989, but you'd
} really love to be part of that cool coffeehouse scene you've heard so
} much about!  Jazz poets and bebop chicks spending the whole night in
} wild intellectual abandon, and then going off to their "pad" to
} fulfill their wild erotic fantasies!
}
} Now, with the INTERNET COFFEE HOUSE, you can have all this without
} leaving your computer!  How, you ask?  We transport you to our
} far-out North Beach coffeehouse, Java the Hut, through the miracle
} of CBTP, the Coffee Bean Transport Protocol!  All you need is our
} low-priced COFFEEHOUSE-IN-A-BOX kit to be groovin' with the beat
} cats and their hep chicks!
}
} How does it work?  You "drop in" to the coffeehouse by logging on from
} your own computer, using our special software.  Once logged on, you
} can order a cup of Kona while listening to digitized multimedia
} beat poetry and "groovin'" with the other cool cats at Java the Hut.
} Through the miracle of digitized .GIF images, you can "see" the
} way-out swingers who love to hear wild jazz poetry every night!
}
} Our COFFEEHOUSE-IN-A-BOX kit includes:
}
}   * PPP software to connect your Windows computer to our CBTP server
}   * An RS232 adapter that attaches to any Mr. Coffee (TM)
}     coffeemaker, to automatically brew your cup of java when
}     you "order" it from our online CyberWaiter
}   * Five pounds of ground Kona coffee in a recyclable stainless-
}     steel tin
}   * A CD-ROM version of the Complete Works of Allen Ginsberg,
}     William Burroughs, Jack Kerouac, and Gary Snyder
}   * A black artist's beret of authentic combed felt
}   * Five packets of cigarette papers
}   * Two ounces of Colombian marijuana(*)
}      (*)oregano substituted where required by law
}
} All for the special introductory price of $249!!  That's less than
} round-trip air fare to San Francisco!!
}
} For more information, visit our WWW site, or send e-mail to
} hepcat@javathehut.com!


722-04    (2djBs dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most sublimely comprehending Oracle, whose perceptions pierce the
> veil of mere appearance, whose wisdom spans the expanse between the
> circumstantial and the eternal, whose knowledge encompasses all that
> was, is, will be, or could be, and what could not be, please grant me
> an answer to this:
>
> I have been perplexed by this conundrum for ages.  Although "up" is
> the opposite of "down", it is not true that "breaking up" is the
> opposite of "breaking down".  Even more disturbing, "in" is the
> opposite of "out", but "breaking in" is not the opposite of "breaking
> out".  Please explain to me the complexities of this situation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When God implemented human natural language processing, he had just
} been spending a lot of time playing text adventure games.  In
} particular, he was hooked on Colossal Cave.  He thought it was really
} a hoot that there were rooms where directions weren't reversible,
} so if you typed "south" you might wind up in a twisty maze of little
} passages, but if you then typed "north" you'd butt your head up
} against a Dead End, and so on.  He was just a young enough deity at
} those days to think it would be really entertaining if human languages
} worked that way most of the time, too.
}
} As poor Adam discovered, the first time he tripped and fell down in
} Eden.  This was before Eve had been created, so he spent a lot of
} time talking to himself, and the dialogue went something like this,
} God providing the responses in a really tacky echo-chamber-voice-
} from-nowhere:
}
} >Get up
} Magically, a horse appears underneath you.  As you say "get up!" it
} gallops off frantically, tearing through the Garden at breakneck
} speed. You can't remember: are you mortal? Uh-oh!!
} >Get off!
} What do you want to get off?
} >Get off horse!
} You want to get a horse off?  And *you're* supposed to be free
} of sin?  Gross!
} >Get down!
} You don't know how to get down, you're Jewish!
} >Get out!
} No, really, I mean it!
} >Get from
} Get from what?
} >Get from horse
} Horse, schmorse, I don't know from horses!
} >Go off
} The horse disappears as you metamorphose into a large string of
} firecrackers.  One after another, you begin to explode with sharp
} popping noises!
} >Go on
} You continue to explode with sharp popping noises.
} >Go out
} You don't have a date!
} >Burn out
} God, you're tired of being a string of firecrackers.  You just can't
} bear the thought of getting up one more day to spend eight hours
} popping.  You are terribly, hideously depressed, and quite suicidal.
} >Burn in
} Magically, you metamorphose into a newly-built Pentium computer
} undergoing a 24-hour burn-in test prior to shipment!  What's this?
} Oh, no, floating-point division error!  No one notices!  You are
} infected with a deadly sin!
}
} --And so it went.  Before long God got bored with the constant need
} to provide responses to Adam's input, so he decided to create Eve
} to do it for him.  The result was something like what happens if
} you hook together two computers running ELIZA to talk to each
} other, and so continues to this day.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Deborah Tannen's latest book.


722-05    (4diqC dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our Oracle who art in Indiana, hallowed be thy domain name, please tell
> me:
>
> What are the 15 Workstations of the Cross?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No such thing.  But here are the Greater Trumps ...
}
} 0. The FOOL: a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a
}    screensaver.
}
} 1. The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a
}    Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program
}    with the same GUI.  An infinity sign is over his head.
}
} 2. The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and
}    concealed.  The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her.
}
} 3. The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical
}    disk vertically in his hand.
}
} 4. The EMPRESS: A secretary with a NeXT Machine.
}
} 5. The HEIROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him,
}    their faces averted, offering him floppy disks.  He wears a laptop
}    computer on his head.
}
} 6. The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as
}    an angel bathed in glory regards them.
}
} 7. The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve,
}    drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture
}    (white).
}
} 8. STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of
}    Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error.  An
}    infinity sign is over her head.
}
} 9. The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded,  burns the midnight oil;
}    its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard.
}
} 10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel.  Cray is on the side going
}     down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and
}     C++ is sitting on top.  Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a
}     dog-cow, and a human -- look on.
}
} 11. JUSTICE.  A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a
}     delete-key in the other.
}
} 12. The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct.
}     His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps
}     at dawn.  His monitor is reverse-video.  He programs on,
}     flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances.
}
} 13. DEATH: A skeleton weilding a scythe surveys a field, on which are
}     scattered PDP-11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and
}     many other machines.
}
} 14. TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on
}     the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another.  A cursor
}     blinks from her chest.
}
} 15. The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of
}     Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand.  Two
}     humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet.
}
} 16. The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning.  Two
}     robed figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground.
}
} 17. The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient
}     fragile moment of peace.
}
} 18. The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's.  A crayfish
}     crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately
}     prove deadly.  The moon shines through a window.
}
} 19. The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs
}     clever applications on a high-quality workstation.
}
} 20. JUDGEMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages
}     arise, to be rated Cool or not.
}
} 21. The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered,
}     in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand.  The four winged
}     beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.


722-06    (5fqAh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do we exist as sublime manifestations of a Greater Intelligence, or are
> we just worms with eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Shut up and keep digging.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a sidewalk to go to when it rains.


722-07    (nxsa5 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do little rabbits spread chocolate eggs during Easter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, to tell you the truth, we started out with the real stuff...that
} got to be impractical as the baby boomers emerged.  (Too many kids, not
} enough eggs.)  So we moved on to chocolates.
}
} -An easter bunny


722-08    (ivve5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can i go to meet someone to take to my semi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try the Teamsters -- if anyone would take to a semi, it's them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a truck suitable for wheeling West Virginia.


722-09    (dwyh3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle - whose knowledge is deeper than a very deep thing please
> answer me this:
>
> What is a split - infinitive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The split infinitive is a plague of modern times for the Omniscient
} Oracle and His chums.  In the old days, having slightly tarnished
} infinities was seen as a sign of good health.  If they were a little,
} er, redolent of the passing of ages, that was seen as a benediction,
} not a curse.
}
} Then came technology, the invention of the concept that Cleanliness Is
} Next To Godliness.  At a stroke, life changed for Joe H. Immortal.
} The Passage of Time was given an enema and the Cloak of Darkness was
} sent to the dry-cleaners for a spot of retexturing.
}
} The mania for hygiene in all things, and the Oracle _means_ all
} things, was taken too far.  That which is cleansed overmuch suffers by
} its treatment, and the ends of That Which Is Without End began to
} crack.  Soon they were peeling beyond control, and it became necessary
} to take drastic measures.  We had to trim Infinity!  Well, it was
} getting a little too long, anyway.
}
} Don't worry, you'll never notice, your Universe wlll destroy itself
} long before anyone mortal could spot the change...
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of conditioner.  Henna, for preference.


722-10    (9gAnf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Katharine Hepburn <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the hell is Food Acid and why do we need it in food products?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa, whoa, calm down there, buckaroo.  First, let's see a little
} groveling.
}
} [The supplicant's mouth starts moving.  A high-pitched voice appears to
} emanate from within, but the lips don't quite match.]  "O Almighty and
} All-Knowing Oracle, I offer my deep, deep apologies for using 'hell'
} unnecessarily in my question.  It was a mistake that I can only
} attribute to years of movies and television, but the media can only
} take part of the blame.  I should be more careful about what I blurt
} out.  I am sorry."
}
} [It was funnier back when Edgar Bergen did it.]
}
} Now, then, where was I?  Ah, yes.
}
} "My great-great grandfather was killed in a parachute accident 100
} years ago."
}
} They didn't have parachutes 100 years ago.
}
} "I know.  That's how he got killed."
}
} [I just can't turn down an opportunity for comedy, 'cause, quite
} frankly, there isn't much of it in the real answer to the question.]
}
} Food Acid was only recently approved for use in the United States,
} which makes me a little surprised that you're seeing it in food
} already.  You must live in one of the test markets.
}
} Food Acid is a product of DuPont, makers of better things for better
} living.  It's a method of ensuring that you don't eat bad food.  Here's
} an example of how it works.  Say there's Food Acid in a box of Frosted
} Flakes. When you first open the box, you have 100% of the cereal.  But
} upon contact with air, Food Acid goes to work.  A week later, you've
} eaten half of the original net weight of the box.  You should have 50%
} of the original amount of cereal, but Food Acid has been hard at work,
} so you now only have about 46%.
}
} But then Cracklin' Oat Bran goes on sale.  Since you enjoy its oatmeal
} cookie taste, you buy a couple of boxes and eat that for a while.  A
} couple of days, you eat some of the Frosted Flakes for variety, but
} it's mostly those big brown O's.
}
} Eventually, you run out of Cracklin' Oat Bran, but you still have the
} box of Frosted Flakes.  Or do you?  It's been three and a half weeks,
} and you should have 20% of the original amount of cereal...now stale,
} though. Instead, you have a few crumbs at the bottom of the box...and
} that's it. You've been prevented from eating stale cereal, and your
} taste buds and tummy have the magic of Food Acid to thank.
}
} Food Acid works similarly in all products.  Coming soon, fruit injected
} with Food Acid...Diet Pepsi with Food Acid instead of freshness
} dating...and new Clothes Acid to keep you from wearing out-of-style
} clothes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vat of the forthcoming Usenet Acid, which goes to
} work immediately upon contact with Spam.
}
} Say goodnight, supplicant.
}
} "Goodnight, supplicant."


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