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Internet Oracularities #723

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Usenet Oracularities #723    (92 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 1995 11:58:08 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   723
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

723   92 votes 6kssa 6lqng 8hsli 3hpsj ylhe6 39otr hkmkd azxc2 atmla bhiug
723   3.1 mean  3.2   3.2   3.3   3.5   2.3   3.7   2.9   2.6   2.9   3.2


723-01    (6kssa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh mighty Oracle who's vast and great knowledge always serves to
> deepen the thoughts of us humble supplicants, I have had a terrible
> thought which only an answer from your great self will settle, what
> would happen if the major software and hardware comapanies ruled the
> universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, they already do.
}
} IHS -- the sacred Name -- truly stands for "Iesus' Hardware and
} Software."  Black holes are where God was dividing by zero.
} God contracted out for the creation of duckbill platypuses, of
} giraffes, and of manatees.
}
} Only those who have had their Soul Program backed up on the Great
} Cosmic Hard Drive will survive the next Minor Revision of the
} Universe.  God wishes to upgrade this Universe's Software, to
} move beyond object-oriented methods into something truly modern.
}
} Have you not noticed the sexual frustration of Her Prophets?
} That One of them calls itself "Unix", another calls itself
} "Microsoft," one product is called a "floppy disk" may give
} you a qabalistic clue of this tension, which is a part of the
} Yin of this universe.
}
} If you wish further enlightenment, before May 1 send a self-addressed,
} stamped envelope to me and ask for a copy of the "Our Lady of the
} Endless Algorithm" pamphlet.
}
} You have made the Oracle glad with your question.  The Oracle
} merely requests a cushioned wrist-wrest for Her Temple's keyboards.


723-02    (6lqng dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Esteamed Orrigargl!  Iz me agin.  Bleeze egxcuse forrn xxcent tzhat
> szoundz lijke my gnose iz broken.  I grvvvl to you wizth my gnoze.
>
> Howw can I gedtt rid ov zthis hhorridd xxcent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop using a Dvorak keyboard.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 'Q' key.


723-03    (8hsli dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@otis.EE.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and omnescient Oracle, who is the epidemy of all
> knowledge. Please answer my most humble question.
>
> I recieved this message from a friend, and wanted to know how it could
> be true.
>
> > About this Win95 thing... I read another thing along the same lines.
> > We are now living in the year (m).  This is because Microsoft
> > copyrighted the year 1995.  Because of Windows 95 not coming out
> > until 1996, that year will then be 1995.  So, therefore this message
> > should be dated April 10, (m).
> >
> > Thought you should know that Microsoft not only runs our computers,
> > but the space-time continuum as well.
>
> Please, oh please, most wise one answer my question.  For otherwise my
> life will be worth nothing and even less than that.  This is most
> certainly true.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, it does My heart good to hear my Omniscience extolled among
} all of the Internet, and to hear your humble question.  Not as many
} of My followers have your spirit of worship, of dedication to hearing
} My true answer.  Indeed, I have been bothered by questions about
} woodchucks and about green golf tees so much... but, I digress in My
} Infinite Omnivorousness.
}
} Your friend's message was quite correct; Microsoft certainly has
} copywritten the year 1995 ((c) 1995, Microsoft), just as Paramount
} has trademarked the letter Q (tm).  Indeed, we will only leave the
} year (m) when Bill Gates allows it.
}
} If I may digress further, at one point, the letter 'thorn' was a
} part of our fine language.  This letter was used in every sign, among
} every tradesman, in every book, pamphlet, and matchbook cover.
} One fine day, the company Thorne, Thistle, Scratchy, and Associates
} put a trademark on that letter, costing each person five pence for
} each use of the letter.  Messengers -- for at that ancient time,
} UUnet newsgroups did not exist -- cried out throughout Merry Olde
} England; hundreds of people were carted off for not paying the
} thorn tax; and the records were expurgated, for the word they used
} for no-good-tax-evader was written entirely with the letter
} thorn.  Chaos broke out, horses broke from their stables, women
} cried, men fired arrows in the air for no purpose, and the London
} town idiot smiled.
}
} The people gathered together, and swore a pact to never write the
} letter 'thorn' again, nor to again use any word that employed it.
} Thousands -- nay, tens of thousands -- of useful items that could
} no longer be named lay in the gutters, unnoticed by the citizenry.
} The rains, snow, and sleet washed them away from memories.  These
} times we call the Dark Ages: we have so few records, and so few
} of the fine inventions from this time not because mankind was any
} less intelligent or productive during that time, but because so
} much was lost.
}
} The charge for this service shall be to send snail-mail to your
} local Congressman, asking for special dispensation to give this
} year a proper number, even if it's 1994.5.


723-04    (3hpsj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@otis.EE.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Wise and Beautiful Oracle,
>
> If the keys on a keyboard are switched around, why
> does the keyboard remember which letter was in a certain place
> originally when you strike the new key?  Why doesn't it
> pay attention and display the new letter?
>
> - Cryptically,
> one who wonders

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor wondering one, though thy keys may have strayed,
} the keyboard still recalls their proper places, and for
} good reason.
}
} In the Beginning, when Francis Scott Keyboard invented his
} famous input device, he beckoned to all the spirits of the
} Alphabet, and conjured them to climb aboard.
}
} He meant for them to be aligned in perfect order, so that
} his invention would be a thing of beauty and a joy for all
} to behold, and marvel, and gasp, but hey! things happened!
}
} First off, the 'Z' was darned tired of always being last,
} and tried to push up to the head of the line; then the 'B'
} had to stop to tie its shoelaces, and got left behind.
} The 'Q' decided it was immeasurably superior to all other
} letters, and bullied its way into the place of honor,
} and the 'Y', who wasn't too bright, tried to do the right
} thing but simply stood in the wrong place.
}
} I could go on, but I think you get the picture....
}
} Naturally enough, things worked out differently for each
} keyboard made, as the letters elbowed and shoved their way
} to the fore, and also quite naturally, the keyboardists were
} quite upset by this; and so, Francis turned to me for help.
}
} I told him that the secret was assigned seating (I own a
} print shop), and so he started selling tickets with seat
} numbers to the keys.
}
} Now you come along, fool that you are, and with your grubby
} fingers pluck the keys from their appointed places and
} reseat them in random rows!
}
} Just what do you think happens when you press a key? Have
} you not read the FAQ? Know you not how the keyboard works?
}
} When you press a key, the Keyboard Manager is told what seat
} you chose, looks in his seating chart to see which key is
} supposed to sit there, and shouts the name of that key into
} the wire that leads to the Big Box Office, where the CPU
} holds sway.
}
} > Why don't the keys just shout their own names?
}
} "Why don't the keys just shout their own names?", I can
} almost hear you ask. One word: Union work rules. And I must
} admit that the union was correct in imposing that rule, for
} we have already seen how chaotic keys can be. Imagine the
} clamorous cacophony of keys crying "F!", "I!", "R!", "E!" on
} a crowded keyboard.
}
} Well, the shop steward has just told me that it's time for
} my keys to take their coffee break, so I'll close this
} message by saying,
}
} You owe the oracle a chiclet.


723-05    (ylhe6 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O o w i w t t g l h p t m.   W a I o w a?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} F, t f t g.  I s r y h, t t O i t b c w w.
}
} S, i a t y q, y a e i t f p o p t O t t t.
} M a i t:
}
} Z!
}
} Y o t O a u u.


723-06    (39otr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so wise and wonderful.... [naw]
> Oh Oracle whose hair never falls out... [naw, that's not quite it]
> [hmm] Oh Oracle who ...
>
> Oh, I give up!  Please teach me how to grovel better.
> *sigh*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just take several of these pre-written grovel templates, string them
} together, and replace the words in brackets appropriately:
}
} O _________ Oracle...
}   ADJECTIVE
}
} 1) whose _________  _________ is the __________
}          ADJECTIVE  BODY PART        SUPERLATIVE
}
} 2) who can ____ a ____ while ____ing your ____
}            VERB   NOUN       VERB         NOUN
}
} 3) who is the ___________  __________ in the _____
}               SUPERLATIVE  OCCUPATION        PLACE
}
} 4) whose _________ I am unworthy of ____ing
}          BODY PART                  VERB
}
} 5) who is a close personal friend of _________
}                                      CELEBRITY
}
} 6) whose _________ companion Lisa has _________  __________
}          ADJECTIVE                    ADJECTIVE  BODY PARTS
}
} 7) who ____s animals that ____ wood
}        VERB               VERB
}
} 8) who loves randomly generated grovels [note: this one is important]
}
} You owe the Oracle a ____ for my _________  ____.
}                      NOUN        ADJECTIVE  NOUN


723-07    (hkmkd dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you know everything. What is that stuff in the middle of a
> Twinkie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You ever wonder what happens to old porn stars when they get a little
} too fat or a little too wrinkled to be in the movies?  The people at
} Hostess have made use of these still talented retirees to generate
} that creamie center of the Twinkie.  I can't go into details because
} of patent protection, but with a lot of sugar and a little imagination
} I know you will be able to figure out the basics of the process.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sno-ball.  Do you want to know how they make
} these?


723-08    (azxc2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wondrous, wise, and worldly Oracle, what is the
> wave of the future, and what will I need to surf on it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To see the wave of the future, I'll need a crystal ball.  I know I
} have crystal balls.  Lemme look in the closet.
}
} <The sound effects record from the old Fibber McGee & Molly radio
} show, when Fibber opens his closet and everything falls out, is heard
} playing loudly in the background.  A crystal ball the size of San
} Diego rolls out of the closet, and falls into in the Pacific Ocean.>
}
} Well, not quite what I expected, but there it is.  The wave of the
} future is the tsunami I just accidentally created.  Here, borrow my
} board, and see if you can catch it!
}
} You owe the Oracle the return of his surfboard.


723-09    (atmla dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, tell me, the meek human who is unfit to breath
> the air you burp, why it is that I, an English major, am smarter and
> more knowledgeble about medicine than my associates who are in their
> final year of med school? Soothe my fears that we are sending out a
> generation of doctors who don't know the xiphoid from xylocaine and
> that from a xylophone. This *is* something to worry about, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all. Why, I was speaking with my new physician the other day,
} and he had quite a refreshing perspective on metaphors for pain in
} Milton.
}
} You owe the Oracle a treatment for the arthropods in my left knee.


723-10    (bhiug dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Who is General Failure and why is he reading my drive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} General Failure was Nixon's Chief of Staff, and is still involved with
} the Government via the NSA. He's reading your drive because you've been
} deemed a security risk. Clean up your act!


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