} Poor wondering one, though thy keys may have strayed,
} the keyboard still recalls their proper places, and for
} good reason.
} In the Beginning, when Francis Scott Keyboard invented his
} famous input device, he beckoned to all the spirits of the
} Alphabet, and conjured them to climb aboard.
} He meant for them to be aligned in perfect order, so that
} his invention would be a thing of beauty and a joy for all
} to behold, and marvel, and gasp, but hey! things happened!
} First off, the 'Z' was darned tired of always being last,
} and tried to push up to the head of the line; then the 'B'
} had to stop to tie its shoelaces, and got left behind.
} The 'Q' decided it was immeasurably superior to all other
} letters, and bullied its way into the place of honor,
} and the 'Y', who wasn't too bright, tried to do the right
} thing but simply stood in the wrong place.
} I could go on, but I think you get the picture....
} Naturally enough, things worked out differently for each
} keyboard made, as the letters elbowed and shoved their way
} to the fore, and also quite naturally, the keyboardists were
} quite upset by this; and so, Francis turned to me for help.
} I told him that the secret was assigned seating (I own a
} print shop), and so he started selling tickets with seat
} numbers to the keys.
} Now you come along, fool that you are, and with your grubby
} fingers pluck the keys from their appointed places and
} reseat them in random rows!
} Just what do you think happens when you press a key? Have
} you not read the FAQ? Know you not how the keyboard works?
} When you press a key, the Keyboard Manager is told what seat
} you chose, looks in his seating chart to see which key is
} supposed to sit there, and shouts the name of that key into
} the wire that leads to the Big Box Office, where the CPU
} holds sway.
} > Why don't the keys just shout their own names?
} "Why don't the keys just shout their own names?", I can
} almost hear you ask. One word: Union work rules. And I must
} admit that the union was correct in imposing that rule, for
} we have already seen how chaotic keys can be. Imagine the
} clamorous cacophony of keys crying "F!", "I!", "R!", "E!" on
} a crowded keyboard.
} Well, the shop steward has just told me that it's time for
} my keys to take their coffee break, so I'll close this
} message by saying,
} You owe the oracle a chiclet.