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Internet Oracularities #724

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Usenet Oracularities #724    (98 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 08:27:58 -0500

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724   98 votes brnlg boDf9 8xwh8 5lxta fmxp3 46mlJ 7hrsj cntp9 choB8 8mvlg
724   3.1 mean  3.0   2.9   2.8   3.2   2.8   4.0   3.4   3.0   3.1   3.2


724-01    (brnlg dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Glorious Oracle, please answer my humble question:
>
> If a person says they're a vegetarian, and they don't eat any meat like
> beef, pork, veal, or mutton, but they do eat fish and shrimp, are they
> really a vegetarian?
>
> O Thank you, Oracle of Oracles, for listening to my humble question.
>
> *grovel grovel grovel* *grovel grovel grovel grovel*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       O worthy supplicant,
}
} Your groveling has been noted and appreciated.  Your question is a
} worthy one. Many vegetarians seem to think that by eating meat, they
} are abusing or oppressing the animals.  The problem is that the animal
} never gave its permission to be eaten.  If this is the philosophy,
} then what separates a cow from a fish?  Neither wants to be eaten!
} These people are not vegetarians, they are the vilest of hypocrites.
}       But if you don't eat meat of any sort, are you holding to the
} philosophy behind vegetarianism?  NO!!!  What about the milk you drink?
} That cow never gave its permission to be milked!  Just think of all
} the cows in the world who are hooked up to torturous machines that
} forcibly extract liquids from their bodies every day without rest,
} just so you can eat your @@!#?!* corn flakes!
}       But wait, there's more!  What about the leather clothes you wear?
} What about the poor, defenseless mice that we deliberately slaughter
} with spring-loaded boobytraps?  How about the millions of insects that
} die meaningless deaths on the windshields of our cars?  Every time you
} wash your dishes, you're slaughtering thousands of innocent bacteria!
} What did they ever do to you?  No, my grovelling supplicant, there
} are no true vegetarians.
}       The whole idea wsa a bad one to start with.  Eventually, the
} philosophy of vegetarianism will cease to exist because someone will
} actually breed a meat animal that not only wants to be eaten, but is
} intelligent enough to say so!
}
}       You owe the oracle a shrimp salad.


724-02    (boDf9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that on the Star Trek television shows (the original, Star
> Trek the Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager) whenever an
> "away" team beams down from the ship the leader of the team always
> says, "Set phasers on stun", and everyone changes the settings on their
> phasers.  Why aren't the phasers AUTOMATICALLY set on stun? What were
> the phasers set to?  Mildly annoy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     I am so glad you asked this, I have been meaning to bring this up
} to the producers of the Star Trek shows in our weekly meetings.  One
} time when we were setting up the premise of the show we decided that
} the phasers should be defaulted to "Wipe out everything in your path"
} that way if they found that they were in harms way they could WOEIYP!
} However since the new producers were not in those early meetings, they
} have no idea what we decided on so long ago.  In future episodes you
} may hear the phrase "Set Phasers to annoy only" and you will know that
} your concern has been heard by the producers and writers.
}
} Live long and, oh hell, do what ever you want to do!


724-03    (8xwh8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me O Oracle Most Wise in the ways of PersonHoodKind,
>
> I just saw this Microsoft BOB thing and I'm curious...
>
>   * Does this mean that Bill Gates is a member of the Church of
>     Subgenius?
>
>   * Is Bill Gates the Anti-Bob? (For we all know that the Anti-Bob
>     tries to pass himself off as the Real Bob.)
>
>   * Is it the SECOND COMING of BOB?
>
>   * Why isn't the smiley face smoking a pipe?
>
>   * If your name is Bob, do you need to pay Microsoft a royalty?
>
>   * Is Microsoft paying the Church of Subgenius a royalty since Bob is
>     one of THEIR trademarks?
>
>   * What does BOB think of all this?
>
>   * What does it all mean?
>
> I await your answers with baited breath, oh wise one.
>
> -Zeke

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Church, eh?  Well, they're in competition with me, but I'll answer
} your question anyway, since
}
} a) you groveled pretty well (relatively speaking, of course.  Back in
} the old days... well, don't get me started...  I'd probably segue into
} how I used to... well, nevermind.), and
}
} b) This gives me a chance to expose them as the brainwashing cult of
} evil that they are, spreading their vines of putrescence everywhere.
} Oops!  SubGenius, not Scientology.  Sorry, nevermind part b.
}
} Bill is not the Anti-Bob, since he's not trying to be Bob.  If you
} install MS Bob on your machine, however, it BECOMES the Anti-Bob.
} Role-play accordingly.
}  And since this is the Anti-Bob, you can tell it's clearly not the
} Second Coming of Bob...
}
} The smiley face doesn't smoke a pipe for one obvious reason.  His mouth
} is a line, and the pipe wouldn't fit.
}
} My name isn't Bob, so your next question requires no answer.
}
} Well, the Church of the SubGenius is generally nice about their
} trademark, and they allowed Microsoft royalty-free use of the name
} before they realized Bob's true nature.  They were deceived into
} thinking Bob was going to be a program for distribution and cutting of
} slack.  Unfortunately, allowing its use is irrevocable without some
} heavy legal guns.
}
} What does BOB think of all this?  Well, I went over and asked him.  It
} went a little like this.  Roll the tape, Scott.
}
} O: So, Bob, a supplicant has asked me what you think of Microsoft Bob.
} So, tell me, what do you think of Microsoft Bob?
}
} B: Well, I believe that it's doomed to failure, ridicule, and GPFs,
} since it's the Anti-Me.
}
} O: Thanks, Bob.
}
} B: Tell your supplicant he should get a copy of Linux if he wants to
} escape the Anti-Me.
}
} O: Sorry, I don't do product endorsements, and neither should you.
}
} B: Oh, yeah.
}
} What's it all mean?  It means that the Anti-Bob is doomed to failure,
} ridicule, and GPFs.  You owe the Oracle a copy of The Book of the
} SubGenius, since it and my copy of Microsoft Bob annihilated each other
} when I accidentally let them touch.


724-04    (5lxta dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, your wisdom and intelligence are unbounded
> and unmatched, and I grovel before you in the hopes that you
> can provide me with a solution to my problem.
>
> I design PC boards for an electronics manufacturer.  For
> years, I have been designing Printed Circuit boards, and I
> have got quite good at it (though I say so myself).  But
> in recent times, the acronym "PC" has taken on an entirely
> different meaning, and now I find that I have to design
> Politically Correct boards.  This is much more difficult,
> especially in today's political climate.  Is there anything
> I can do to ease this burden on me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, no.  Navigating today's minefield of political
} correctness is a complex and daunting task.  However, if you keep in
} mind a few general rules of PC, you should be able to sidestep the
} worst of the fallout.
}
} Rule #1:  Always refer to the making of PC PC boards as
}           "personfacture", never "manufacture".
}
} Rule #2:  Always use recycled and recyclable parts.  For PC PC boards,
}           this burden is eased somewhat by the millions of obsolete
}           Macintoshes and Amigas which are readily available for
}           cannibalization.
}
} Rule #3:  No animals may be harmed in the personfacture of the board.
}           This also means that only "natural" nonpolluting energy
}           sources -- wind, solar, etc -- may be used, and these sources
}           may not disrupt the native habitats of any animal from
}           Spotted Owls to wood lice.
}
} Rule #4:  Warnings about the potential health risks involved with the
}           device must be printed in large type directly on the product,
}           preferably in at least five languages.
}
} Rule #5:  You must make an effort to employ at least one person of
}           every ethnic group.  Furthermore, you must know the
}           appropriate reference for that group for that week.  For
}           instance, persons under 5'5" may not be referred to as
}           "short"; they are "vertically challenged".
}
} Following these simple rules will help you to avoid some of the more
} common pitfalls of PC-ness.  As another rule of thumb, try not to
} piss off any organization with more than 10 members or an annual
} income of over $200,000.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of environment-friendly floppy disks, any
} size.


724-05    (fmxp3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'd like to know what is an Archie , Gopher and any other term used on
> the NET such as a WEB.
>
> And how do I contact other sites from InfoRamp such as the library of
> Waterloo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, yes, a novice Net-surfer.
}
} OK, here's the quick version of what you need to know.
}
} DEFINITIONS FOR THE SURFING NEWBIE:
} ___________________________________
}
} Archie:  A program designated to tell stupid jokes, and sing bad songs.
}          There are public domain programs which are very similar in use
}          and actions, known as JUGHEAD and VERONICA.  Not to be
}          confused with SCOOBIE and RASTRO, these are different
}          applications.
}
} Gopher:  That goofy porter on the Loveboat.  Now a senator from Iowa.
}
} Web:     A nifty device linking many sites together.  Best application
}          for this service is known as CHARLOTTE, available by anonymous
}          FTP from wellington@waterloo.ui.edu
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice Mosaic.


724-06    (46mlJ dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all knowing oracle, I was told this limerick was truth,
> but how can it be...
>
> There once was a woman named Bright,
> Whose speed was much faster than light.
> She left one day,
> In a relative way,
> And returned on the previous night.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you go from point A to point B,
} With d/t more than c,
}   That trip is the same
}   (In another man's frame)
} As a leap back in time. QED.
}
} You owe the Oracle a starship, and a tall to steer her by.
} d


724-07    (7hrsj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: cep@best.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most financially astute Oracle, whose monopoly on great wisdom, after
> the recent out-of-court settlement that was in all the news, will
> certainly never be the target of an investigation by the Justice
> Department of the United States, nor of the Economic Ministry of the
> European Union, I ask of you the following:
>
> I've decided to sell my immortal soul to Microsoft: whom do I contact,
> and would I get a better price from someone else, such as Lotus
> Development Corporation?  (I also considered IBM, but I've heard they
> have started re-selling the souls of all their employees to raise cash
> and leasing them back as contractors.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in luck!  MicroSoft recetly released MicroSoft SoulCapture 2.1,
} and really handy utility for just this purpose!  It's Windows-only,
} but its simple point-and-click interface allows you to follow its
} easy procedures in minimal time.  And, before you know it, your soul
} will indeed be part of the great conglomerate of programming patches
} and not-so-intuitive pull-down menus that we've all come to love!
}
} My favorite part is the free screen saver that comes with it - a
} devil-suit clad Bill Gates laughing maniacally as he shoves copies
} of Windows 95 down uesrs' throats.
}
} By the way, if the program crashes your PC, it's because of something
} you did.  It's not the fault of MicroSoft.  Nope.  Never.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of OS/2 Warp.


724-08    (cntp9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever be famous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on what you mean by 'famous' - do you mean that you will
} be known as a household word, or that your face will appear on monetary
} bills?  Or do you mean that you will be known as the guy who started
} the next billion-dollar business, or that you will be a prominent actor
} in award-winning movies?  Or do you mean that you will be a well known
} power in diplomacy or on the internet?  Or do you mean that you will
} get your question in the Oracularities?
}
} Pardon?
}
} Oh, why didn't you stop me earlier?  Yes - if you don't eat for a week
} you WILL be famished.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hearing aid.


724-09    (choB8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great all-knower of the universe, please answer my mind sweeping
> question that gives me sleepless nights:
>
> What was the *real* cause of the sinking of the great ship Titanic,
> which is now known to rest in two parts at the bottom of the ocean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's good to find a supplicant who doesn't believe any of that stuff
} about icebergs and explosions.  The truth is a tragic story of tape and
} arrogance.
}
} It's a little known fact that the bow and stern of the titanic were
} made in two different cities.  This was, in fact, a routine practice at
} the time.  Usually, the two halves were glued together with model
} cement.  It works on everything from volkswaggens to aircraft carriers
} to space shuttles.
}
} Well, this time, though, the two halves did not fit together.  It was a
} problem.  They sent out a message on alt.ships soliciting a ship
} fixxer.
}
} Your great grandmother was the lowest bidder. The job was hers.
}
} She looked at the problem and was stumped.  So she asked the oracle.
}
} The oracle could have averted the catastrophe to come (meaning the
} Geraldo special of '88).  But your great grand-mother approached the
} oracle in arrogance.  Her grovel went something to the effect of, "Oh
} oracular one, who knows a little more than I do, but still can't darn a
} sock, who I think is a decent enough being, but still had better get my
} daughter in by 11, hurry up and tell me what I can do to fix the
} Titanic."
}
} The oracle was annoyed with your great grandmother.  So the oracle had
} a great time with her daughter--your grandmother!--and told your great
} grandmother that she could "use masking tape, for all the oracle
} cared."
}
} That's exactly what she did.  Thinking she had the oracle on her side,
} she said that the Titanic was "unsinkable." And once the Titanic got
} into those cold, iceberg infested waters, the tape peeled off.
}
} And the rest, grandchild, is history.
}
} You owe the oracle a promise to go fishing some time in the arctic sea.


724-10    (8mvlg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, the driving force in my life:
>
> I recently purchaced a car with "all wheel drive."  The problem is that
> the steering wheel only affects the direction of the four wheels on my
> own car and does nothing to the wheels on any other cars.  How can I
> repair the steering such that ALL wheels change direction, and not just
> the wheels on my car?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am not the driving force in your life, my humble one. People always
} think that! You, and you alone, possess the force which  hurtles
} you down the highway of life, caroms you off of the center divider,
} edges you occasionally into the gravel at the shoulder,  and ultimately
} deposits you before the Great Trash Compactor  whereupon you become a
} shining cube in the vast junkyard of human existence.  Although I am
} not the driving force in your life,  I am the catalytic converter of
} your life, that is to say, a reaction chamber containing a  finely
} divided platinum-iridium device which oxidizes your excesses into
} carbon components and water whereupon they harmlessly blend with the
} ether, without disrupting your neighbors..
}
} I must inform you that the "problem" you have reported with your "all
} wheel drive" car is NOT covered under warranty. The glad tidings are
} that there is nothing mechanically wrong with your car . The problem is
} merely one of perception.  You see,  the wheels on all the other cars
} ARE turning. It is the wheels on YOUR vehicle which remain stationary.
} Just as the ancients believed that the Sun went "around" the earth,
} so you perceive YOUR  wheels to be turning as you engage your "all
} wheel drive" .  It is, of course the other way around -- when you
} engage your AWD, all wheels, save your own ,spin and turn side to
} side at your command to provide you with a clear path. Hopefully,
} you can engage your all wheel drive without getting out to change
} the hubs by hand.  You have probably seen people by the side of the
} road appearing to "change tires".  What they are actually doing,
} of course, is changing the hubs to "All Wheel Drive" on every car on
} earth, one by one, because they didn't wish to spend a little extra
} money to get all wheel drive you can engage with a shift of a lever
} from the comfort of the interior of your car.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whiff of that "new car smell".


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