} It so happens the Easter Bunny is sitting right here next to me,
} soaking his aching feet in Epsom salts while crunching on a piece of
} matzoh, so I'll let him dictate to me. (It's hard to type with paws.)
} Yeah, I remember you, 'cause you're the guy who wrote me asking for a
} freakin' LIQUID NITROGEN-COOLED CRAY III! First of all, you're
} TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD! Why in the heck are you still BELIEVING in me,
} much less WRITING to me?
} Look, you have NO IDEA how much trouble Kraft General Foods gave me
} this year with that $%*&#$*& Jell-O ad campaign urging that JELL-O
} "JIGGLERS" REPLACE EGGS. Can you believe it? I had to RENT FIFTEEN
} EXTRA REFRIGERATORS for the week before Easter in order to HARDEN ALL
} THAT JELL-O. Bill Cosby can BITE MY FLUFFY WHITE TAIL! [I didn't want
} to put that last sentence in, but the Easter Bunny wants me to quote
} him accurately. Oh, well.-TUO]
} In addition to my going WAY OVER BUDGET because of the freakin'
} FRIGIDAIRES, there's a whole bunch of other problems with Jell-O.
} First of all, they showed it in the commercials already in Easter
} baskets. Well, I hate to tell the giant food conglomerates they're
} wrong, but THEY'RE WRONG IF THEY THINK THAT'S HOW EASTER WORKS. >>I<<
} hide the candy and the eggs all over the house, the kids run around for
} twelve minutes finding all of it except a couple black jellybeans which
} won't get found until July, and THE KIDS put the stuff in the baskets
} THEMSELVES. In most houses these days, I can't FIND anyplace to put
} the Jell-O where it WON'T STAIN SOMETHING! And then, once the kids get
} the Jell-O into their baskets, IT STICKS TO THE ARTIFICIAL GRASS!
} On top of all this...ON TOP OF ALL THIS...people are starting to WRITE
} ME AND ASK FOR GIFTS. Christmas was FOUR MONTHS AGO. I don't have a
} staff of eight hundred ELVES MAKING STUFF like SOMEONE I COULD NAME.
} But, no, I have to FIGHT THE CROWDS AT TOYS 'R' US...and thank God they
} had all those discount coupons in the Sunday paper two weeks ago...and
} BUY ALL THE TOYS MYSELF. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! I have to CARRY the
} things ALL OVER THE PLACE, and HIDE THEM.
} So, yeah, I usually follow some simple rules when it comes to giving
} people stuff: If you're over 15, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING. (Yeah,
} I know I gave you some eggs and jellybeans and Marshmallow Peeps, but
} you got on the wrong list.) If I can't get it at Toys 'R' Us, YOU'RE
} NOT GETTING IT. If it costs over $29.95, YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT.
} And that's why you DIDN'T GET a freakin' SUPERCOMPUTER for EASTER.
} DON'T WRITE TO ME AGAIN. And don't bother writing to the other
} guy--he's on to you, too.
} Maybe if she really loves you, your WIFE will get you one for YOUR
} BIRTHDAY. I gotta go.
} This is the Oracle again...apparently someone had to pay a bit more to
} the IRS than he was expecting. I told him to file sooner, so he'd be
} done in plenty of time to get ready for Easter, but he didn't listen,
} as usual.
} You owe the Oracle a Cadbury Creme Egg.