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Internet Oracularities #725

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725, 725-01, 725-02, 725-03, 725-04, 725-05, 725-06, 725-07, 725-08, 725-09, 725-10


Usenet Oracularities #725    (101 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 1995 10:11:20 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   725
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

725  101 votes Ajlcd 3rwsa 5fDrf 8irwg 6gvtj avyce 6dpst 9Asn5 5gswk 5boyr
725   3.2 mean  2.5   3.1   3.3   3.3   3.4   2.9   3.6   2.8   3.5   3.7


725-01    (Ajlcd dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ObOcamdiwpm Whamwbt
> hrranaitrle helehoo
>  ianytr ie: aclayt
> wlc ttewta  tk n hd
> illrhecats    o,aeo
> sieeirtsee  idf mr
> ea,an i n   no a it
>  n dgwo  t   etnInh
> atw  hn ie  tshd gi
> n h na  nl  h i   s
> d o ot  ,l  e s   ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Baf-t-s-fb-dcwtsvoUaiOD   Hyswtmtts   Wosbfr!    P   YOne
}       e otoeitrreelrhoimsnnri   eoahhshht   enauee!    .   ored
}       cloh rthoirveiemnnedtag   yumoa ae!   leydad!    S   uawi
}       ailid ,eng ivt egin oce   ,'e tqt     l  dru!    .    c t
}       uf noS sthsseihh peg us    r s u l    ,tty n!        olto
}       sewg upi tcirnoomotetlt   Ielecega     ho.od!    Y   weer
}       eli onhzo rn gpwet tha.   ' onrsos    Ii  fa!    g   e x.
}        etbndoifcegw,e ,eOter    ltstyttt    'nyF n!    n    at
}       yshe atn oe a  d nri i    lhe pi      vgoobt!    a   t
}       os tEyogamnsyioettan t     armtoid    e ure:!    l   h
}       u nta s  p,osnfch cg i    bt eonni     t, i !    w   e
}       ' oesbyi u m   ee l  e    e   g  g    go  nZ!    .
}       r -rtunn t eo  i  e  s    t   r  e    o   gO!
}       e   -t-  -  f  -              -  -    t    T!


725-02    (3rwsa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my LEFT shoelace always come undone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may be using two RIGHT shoelaces. Most people don't realize
} that shoelaces also come in pairs, a RIGHT and a LEFT.
} The LEFT shoelace is distinguished from the RIGHT by little
} L's printed all over it. If both of your shoelaces are plain
} then you have two RIGHTs.
} In some parts of the country, LEFT shoelaces are in short supply
} so you may have to do some looking about to find them. Just ask
} everyone you see for some RIGHT shoelaces. You'll eventually
} find someone who can help you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Odor Eaters and a brass shoehorn.


725-03    (5fDrf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise of the seven foretold Oracles of Yore:
>
> Why, oh why? Why must the sky be blue? Why not green or some
> less...blue color?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because of that silly oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere.  I *told* YHWH
} that He should have made it something different, but he just kept
} muttering about how He'd already decided on what the laws of physics
} and the chemical elements and all that were going to be, and that
} carbon-based life forms were going to have to be the biggies, and how
} they would need oxygen but not too much, and all that.
}
} "You've boxed yourself into a corner," I told Him.
}
} "It's like writing a sonnet," He said.  "You make a set of rules and
} you stick with them.  Carbon's gonna be carbon, organisms of any
} complexity have to be pretty much the way they are, free will is going
} to demand the possibility of sin, and one of Me is going to have to get
} pinned down with spikes like a Me-damned butterfly.  And of course the
} sky is going to have to be blue, at least on Earth or any planet like
} it."
}
} "Sounds dreary," I said.
}
} "Oh, I've got other universes to play with.  Nice red skies for the
} intelligent life forms in lots of them.  Of course, they'll just bitch
} about why they're not blue, and so on.  No pleasing 'em."


725-04    (8irwg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is wiser than the great lantern hanging 'pon the moor:
>
> Who am I or why am-I-here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see by the use of the word "or" in your question that you already
} have a glimmering of understanding of the quantum nature of your
} dilemma.
}
} 1. Who are you?
}    You are Professor Werner Heisenberg.
}
} 2. Why are-you-here?
}    It is impossible to ascertain this aspect of your existence at the
}    same time as identifying who you are, due to your own Uncertainty
}    Principle.
}
} If you like, you can resubmit the question and next time I'll tell you
} why you-are-here. Unfortunately, neither of us will then remember
} whether it's you asking the question. That'll teach you to leave Newton
} alone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a higher Fermi level.


725-05    (6gvtj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you obviously know (being the all-knowing Oracle AND a ravenous
> newspaper reader), our lab is doing research on DNA-based 'computers'.
> We're running up against a snag here, however. Depending on the initial
> parameters, we either get a number in the general vincinity of 42, or
> an infinite sequence "OJDIDITOJDIDIT...".
> What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, try to stay with me here --
}
} The stream is known in DNA-based programming circles as a RISC
} architecturbased Psuedo-Random Operating Program (PROP), and is
} intended to be used by the next generation of computers which your
} current batch are attempting to develop on the sly.  The number 42 is a
} random seed for the beginning of the program.  Different operations
} will be performed depending on which part of the DNA stream is viewed.
}
} Some of these operation sequences are very simple, for instance:
} The code ..DITO.. is a Duplicate Insistence To Object routine.
}
} As more bytes are added to a sequence, more complex instructions arise:
} The code ..DIDITOJDI.. will process the routine Defense Input Debug
} (DID), Integrate Transmitted Objections (ITO), and then Jump (J) to the
} nearest Dummy Interrogation (DI) address.
}
} Got that?  Here's a more complicated example:
} The code ..IDITO.. will Insert Data Instruction Tag (IDIT), which
} takes the next available byte (O) and inserts it behind the Tag byte,
} causing an Object Transmute (OT) to reread the sequence as ..IDIOT..
} (which is similar to a ..KATO.. routine in other PROPs).
}
} The Oracle has spoken.
}
} (If you would like more DNA consultation, please pay me in advance.
} You are way behind in your grovels.  I should take you to court.)


725-06    (avyce dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <std_grovel.h>
>
> int main(int argc, char *argv)
> {
>   char *question = "Should I quit programming and get a life?";
>   extern void mailto(char *username, char *subject, char *question);
>
>   mailto("oracle@cs.indiana.edu", "tell me", question);
>
>   exit(0);
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *iNo, but don't you think you shuld learn TECO, too, just in case?
} $hxhghghghjssh$io$ht$$
} No, but don't you think you should learn TECO, too, just in case?
} No, but don't you think you shuld learn TECO, too, just in case?
} No, but don't you think you shuld learn TECO, too, just in case?
} *


725-07    (6dpst dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great oracle most wise and all knowing, who is surely good friends
> with both the easter bunny and santa claus, I feel disappointed.
>
> Why didn't the Easter Bunny give me a liquid nitrogen cooled cray III
> for Easter?  All it gave me was some candy and eggs :-(  And, santa
> didn't bring me one either!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It so happens the Easter Bunny is sitting right here next to me,
} soaking his aching feet in Epsom salts while crunching on a piece of
} matzoh, so I'll let him dictate to me.  (It's hard to type with paws.)
}
} --
} Yeah, I remember you, 'cause you're the guy who wrote me asking for a
} freakin' LIQUID NITROGEN-COOLED CRAY III!  First of all, you're
} TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD!  Why in the heck are you still BELIEVING in me,
} much less WRITING to me?
}
} Look, you have NO IDEA how much trouble Kraft General Foods gave me
} this year with that $%*&#$*& Jell-O ad campaign urging that JELL-O
} "JIGGLERS" REPLACE EGGS.  Can you believe it?  I had to RENT FIFTEEN
} EXTRA REFRIGERATORS for the week before Easter in order to HARDEN ALL
} THAT JELL-O.  Bill Cosby can BITE MY FLUFFY WHITE TAIL!  [I didn't want
} to put that last sentence in, but the Easter Bunny wants me to quote
} him accurately.  Oh, well.-TUO]
}
} In addition to my going WAY OVER BUDGET because of the freakin'
} FRIGIDAIRES, there's a whole bunch of other problems with Jell-O.
} First of all, they showed it in the commercials already in Easter
} baskets.  Well, I hate to tell the giant food conglomerates they're
} wrong, but THEY'RE WRONG IF THEY THINK THAT'S HOW EASTER WORKS.  >>I<<
} hide the candy and the eggs all over the house, the kids run around for
} twelve minutes finding all of it except a couple black jellybeans which
} won't get found until July, and THE KIDS put the stuff in the baskets
} THEMSELVES.  In most houses these days, I can't FIND anyplace to put
} the Jell-O where it WON'T STAIN SOMETHING!  And then, once the kids get
} the Jell-O into their baskets, IT STICKS TO THE ARTIFICIAL GRASS!
}
} On top of all this...ON TOP OF ALL THIS...people are starting to WRITE
} ME AND ASK FOR GIFTS.  Christmas was FOUR MONTHS AGO.  I don't have a
} staff of eight hundred ELVES MAKING STUFF like SOMEONE I COULD NAME.
} But, no, I have to FIGHT THE CROWDS AT TOYS 'R' US...and thank God they
} had all those discount coupons in the Sunday paper two weeks ago...and
} BUY ALL THE TOYS MYSELF.  BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!  I have to CARRY the
} things ALL OVER THE PLACE, and HIDE THEM.
}
} So, yeah, I usually follow some simple rules when it comes to giving
} people stuff:  If you're over 15, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING.  (Yeah,
} I know I gave you some eggs and jellybeans and Marshmallow Peeps, but
} you got on the wrong list.)  If I can't get it at Toys 'R' Us, YOU'RE
} NOT GETTING IT.  If it costs over $29.95, YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT.
}
} And that's why you DIDN'T GET a freakin' SUPERCOMPUTER for EASTER.
} DON'T WRITE TO ME AGAIN.  And don't bother writing to the other
} guy--he's on to you, too.
}
} Maybe if she really loves you, your WIFE will get you one for YOUR
} BIRTHDAY.  I gotta go.
} --
}
} This is the Oracle again...apparently someone had to pay a bit more to
} the IRS than he was expecting.  I told him to file sooner, so he'd be
} done in plenty of time to get ready for Easter, but he didn't listen,
} as usual.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cadbury Creme Egg.


725-08    (9Asn5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when this vehicle known as "PIPELINE" will host a web browser such as
> MOSAIC or NETSCAPE?^MThank you in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um . . . I think you misread your copy of _Variety_. The Arnold
} Schwarzenegger vehicle known as "PIPELINE" will not be featuring "the
} MOSAIC web browser", but rather "the music of Webber". That's right,
} Andrew Lloyd Webber is writing the score. (Lord have mercy on us all.)
}
} Anyway, they're trying to position it as a summer blockbuster, so it
} won't be coming out until July. Here's an advance copy of the press
} release:
}
}            PIPELINE
}
}   This action packed thriller stars ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER as a
} two-fisted geochemist, contending with cold, polar bears, and rogue
} RCMP agents out on the Alaska pipeline. In her thrilling return to the
} silver screen, MADONNA co-stars as the bewitching Inuit maiden with
} whom he falls in love -- but will she betray him to the enemy? Directed
} by the great Roger Corman; with three new guaranteed hit songs by
} Anderw Lloyd Webber and Philip Glass.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big tub of popcorn.


725-09    (5gswk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> Oh mighty and omniscient Being, who's tolerance
> of minor annoyances and attention to unworthy
> details, (such as the dim utterances of this
> your leastest supplicant) is Legend; resolve
> for all time this puzzle which, having irritated
> me for yea these 20 years, has clearly not been a
> matter of severest urgency, (nor indeed of much
> interest), but nonetheless, it's the little things
> that eventually wear you down, don't you think?
>
> ...Ahem,
>
> Veni, Vidi, Grovelli;
> pro exemplarimus,
> bene, bene, Oracullus Primo (etc., etc.)
>
>     (So endeth the preamble, however, even before
>      you begin reading this, I have resumed grovelling!)
>
> Here come da problem:
>
> I've read Emily Post's writings cover-to cover, and DO
> know better than to butter my buns with a fish knife;
> BUT, it seems she died before making any definitive
> pronouncement as to WHAT should be done with all those
> bits of paper and cellophane and plastic which accumulate
> whenever one sits down to a restaurant meal these days.
>     (You know, the sugar envelopes, the butter cuplets,
>      the cracker wrappers -- all that non-trad trash.)
>
> Naturally a pile of this sort detracts from the process
> of genteel dining, but what to do?
>   Some argue that it's best to order a pot of tea,
>   and submerge the refuse within;
>        Others urge me to deposit it under the napkin
>        in my bread basket;
>               Once or twice I attempted to decreetly
>               hide it in the handbag of my dinner partner.
>
> Assist your trash-afflicted supplicant, Oh Mighty and
> Environmentally-Conscious One! (Relieve my anguish and
> make this world just a little bit better.)
>
>              WHERE should we put it?
> (I suspect that worrying over just this problem may
>  have contributed poor Emily's premature demise.)
>
>               Your Humble and Obd't Supplicant (etc. etc.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The proper disposal procedure is as follows:
}
} 1) Using your fish knife (if none is supplied, do *not*, under any
} circumstances, substitute your butter knife -- use the salad fork
} instead, if you have to) transfer the offending trash to a position
} just below and to the right of your steak knife, as indicated in the
} diagram:
}
}                    F F F F    .------------.   S S S K
}                    O O O O   /              \  P P P N
}                    R R R R  |     Plate      | O O O I
}                    K K K K   \              /  O O O F
}                               `------------'   N N N E
}                                                           X  <-- Here
}
} (On the Continent, of course, directions are reversed, and the rubbish
}  is placed to the lower left of the seafood fork).
}
} 2) Ignore the item for the rest of the meal. In its current position,
} it is invisible to you, and to anyone else at the table who is not
} fixedly staring at your elbow -- which, of course, no civilized diner
} would ever do.
}
} 3) When the brandy and cigars are served out at the end of the meal,
} and you light up, extend the sweep of your match-strike so that the
} head of the match momentarily contacts the rubbish before returning to
} your cigar:
}
}                                         O <-- Tip of Cigar
}                                         |
}                          .---------.   /
}                          |  Match  |  /
}                          |  Book   | /
}           _______________`---------'/
}          /   Path of               /
}         /     Match               /
}         \                       /
} /\/\/\/\ `---------------------'
} Rubbish |
} --------'
}
}   If this is done sufficiently gracefully, no one will notice the
} little bit of paper (or whatever) bursting into flames, burning for a
} while, and eventually becoming ash (and therefore indistinguishable
} amongs all the cigar ash).
}
} You owe the Oracle a dinner invitation.


725-10    (5boyr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and wondrous Oracle, whose earlobes I am unworthy
> to lick, whose girlfriend Lisa has such magnificent biceps,
> and who appreciates randomly generated grovels, please give
> this insignificant supplicant a speck of your enormous
> knowledge.
>
> I was watching some old reruns of "Mr. Ed" on TV the other
> night, and I started to become suspicious.  When I looked
> closely, it appeared that the picture of Mr. Ed was not
> talking at the same time as the audio.  Is it possible that
> the cretins who produced this show actually tried to get
> away with lip-syncing Mr. Ed's speech?  And if this is the
> case, why didn't anybody notice it before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very observant, supplicant.  The problem which the producers of "Mr.
} Ed" faced was that, while talking horses were not all that rare,
} _English_-speaking horses were quite unusual.  It is well-known that
} the Germans had the most advanced talking-horse program during World
} War II.  After the war, the United States spirited the top German
} equine linguists out of Europe and into a top-secret program in the
} Arizona desert.  By 1952, they had a working prototype, and by the mid
} 50's they had developed a herd of 23 horses who could chat aimlessly
} for hours.  Unfortunately, due to the origin of their creators, they
} only spoke German.
}
} By 1957, however, the House Agriculture Committee decided that talking
} horses were no longer a top national security priority.  When Sputnik
} was lauched later that year, the CIA discovered to its chagrin that the
} millions of rubles in the Soviet annual budget marked "Purina Horse
} Chow" had actually been directed into ballistic missile research.  It
} was at this time, in a top-secret meeting whose minutes were
} declassified earlier this year, that President Eisenhower directed that
} the talking-horse program should be scrapped in favor of a stronger
} rocketry program.
}
} Needless to say, the horses raised strong objections to the plan.  One
} of them even attempted to testify before Congress, but he was bought
} off with a really shiny apple.  The rest moved on to various other
} jobs, mainly at various Arizona dude ranches.  Only Hans achieved any
} measure of fame and fortune as the star of "Mr. Ed".  And as he only
} spoke German, his lines were dubbed by a human actor.  Today, only
} scattered remmnants of the talking-horse program exist, the most
} notable being the world-famous Newt, the Talking Ass.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete video collection of the "Francis, the
} Talking Mule" movies.


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