[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:08:49 GMT

Internet Oracularities #727

Goto:
727, 727-01, 727-02, 727-03, 727-04, 727-05, 727-06, 727-07, 727-08, 727-09, 727-10


Usenet Oracularities #727    (95 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 20:06:09 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   727
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

727   95 votes prmd8 fqsfb 6bvvg evwc6 oooh6 9ovo7 2mrwc 5qprc 2dqvn ejfrk
727   3.0 mean  2.5   2.8   3.4   2.6   2.5   3.0   3.3   3.2   3.6   3.2


727-01    (prmd8 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient oracle what is the answer to the question of life, the
> universe and everything, and what is the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A: Lots.
}
} Q: How much greater would the quality of life be for the Oracle if
}    Douglas Adams had never existed?
}
} Hey, that gives me an idea... gotta go warm up the time machine and
} exercise my >ZOT<ting arm.
}
} You owe the Oracle another encrypted question to liven things up a bit.


727-02    (fqsfb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Excellent Oracle, please grant me a piece of your wisdom.
>
> Can you please give me a horoscope for all twelve zodiac signs?
>
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ARIES - Your usual cycle will resume in about nine months. Capricorn
} will grow more prominent as Pisces fades from scene. New wardrobe
} coming!
} TAURUS - Creativity is highlighted in encounter with authority
} figure. The right answer could be just the ticket!
} GEMINI - Even though it's not your fault, you will set things straight
} after big shakeup. Buy candles.
} CANCER - Family member returns bearing good news, but will return to
} senses after intensive counseling.
} LEO - Strong bond is formed while engaging in hobby. Effective solution
} will be provided when you get stuck.
} VIRGO - Laughter abounds as an important guest notes how friendly your
} family pet is. Change in career seen.
} LIBRA - Fondness for particular citrus beverage disqualifies you from
} decision-making panel.
} SCORPIO - Pennies from heaven? The color blue figures as traveler's
} castoff inspires home improvement plans.
} SAGITTARIUS - News from fiancee cuts like a scalpel - the two of you
} have more in common than previously revealed. Have the last laugh as
} you compare notes.
} CAPRICORN - Seek channel of entertainment when trial seems
} overwhelming. Surfing suggested.
} AQUARIUS - In your constant quest for truth, you will find your friends
} are full of it.
} PISCES - Take a break from your usual surroundings. Chance encounter
} with Aries leads to long-term travel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Magic 8-Ball.


727-03    (6bvvg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh inerrantly politic practicioner of politeness, I have a minor
> question of practical etiquette (I guess) for you:
>
> I now have eight of those !@#$@#$ America Online trial diskettes
> that they have stuck in every magazine from Byte to Lowrider
> this month.  I don't use diskettes much anymore, having an
> optical CD-ROM, tape backup, etc. etc., so I've been trying to
> figure out what to do with a matched set of eight useless
> AOL diskettes.  Can you give me some suggestions?
>
> Much grateful,
> Yr humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, yes!  AOL disks can be used in the following, attractive ways:
}
} 1.  As a set of coasters for your next beer-and-pretzels night.
} 2.  If you remove the plastic wrapping, the insides make good, 3 1/2
}     inch frisbees.
} 3.  String them together and sell them as a ComputerWear Necklace.
} 4.  If your recipe card file is narrow and tall enough, use them to
}     separate different kinds of recipes.
} 5.  Carefully remove the AOL labels, print up "DOOM IV: EXTINCTION"
}     labels, and sell to unsuspecting thirteen-year-olds in another
}     state.
} 6.  Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Heck, everything ELSE gets thrown
}     around there!
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice CD-RAM drive.


727-04    (evwc6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O Supercalifragilisticexpialadosis Oracle, please tell me...
>
>    ...How was Dick Van Dyke able to dance with those penguins in "Mary
> Poppins?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must have seen on movies, if not at first hand, women dancing with
} men in tuxedoes?  Well, it's somewhat like that if you replace the
} woman by Dick and the man by all those penguins.
}
} If you're worried about Dick having to dance the "woman's part" of the
} dance steps, don't worry - the choice of who leads is purely a social
} convention and allowing the little guys in tuxedoes to lead is a nice,
} eco-sensitive gesture in Dick's part, don't you think?  The Oracle is a
} little surprised that you should be so wedded to sexual stereotyping in
} this day and age.
}
} For the same reason, the Oracle hopes that you're not bugged because
} the penguins were vertically challenged?
}
} You owe the Oracle a more PC attitude.


727-05    (oooh6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why must I be a teenager in love.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't fret.  In a few years you'll be a twenty-something in love.


727-06    (9ovo7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there a generation gap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the law of conservation of energy, energy can not be
} created or destroyed.  (Of course, Einstein stated that matter could be
} converted to energy, but this "added factor" is not useful here.)  In
} addition, there is no perfect machine.  Some energy is inevitably
} converted into heat - which is not useful, and can not be re-converted
} into electricity with 100% efficiency.
}
} Knowing these physical laws, you can see that when one tries to
} generate electricity, there is always a gap between the amount of
} energy used to make the electricity, and the amount of energy generated
} as electricity.  Thus, a "generation gap."
}
} You owe the oracle a $100 gift certificate to Radio Shack.


727-07    (2mrwc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most Powerful, Pervasive and Particularly Pleasant Oracle, whose
> Potent Presence Predates the Planet, Please Placate a Pathetic Patron
> with a Parsimonious Presentation of your Prowess by Providing an answer
> to my Ponderings (Preferably Promptly):
>
> It may Seem Silly, but Somehow, Simply everyone I Speak to inSistS that
> I "Stop Spitting."  Why am I Striken by Symptoms of unStoppable (and
> Stupendously antiSocial) Salivation?  Save me, O Strikingly Smart
> Savior!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I normally don't answer the queries of cartoon characters, Sylvester,
} but in this case I'll make an exception.
}
} The problem is really quite simple - too much drool.  This is caused
} by an intense addiction to little yellow birds with orange feet.  To
} solve the problem, you must first conquer the addiction.  I realize
} that you have tried this before, but the problem that time was that
} you tried to quit cold-turkey.  I suggest switching bird species to
} something a little easier to catch and a little less lovable.  In a
} word, I suggest pigeons.  Of course this would be akin to eating
} flying rats and I know how much you fear over-sized mice, but this
} should help you in that area as well.  You must face your fears if
} you are to overcome them.  Now be a good putty-tat and stay away from
} Granny and the dog.  Good luck.


727-08    (5qprc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose wisdom is greater than the entire House of
> Representatives combined, please reply to your humble supplicant:
>
> Why do birds suddenly appear
> Every time you are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is undoubtedly due to a quantum fluctuation of some kind.
} Naturally my presence has a distortion effect on the space-time
} continuum, resulting in the spontaneous apparent (not appearance,
} you'll notice) of small avian creatures. The creatures are not really
} there - they are only virtual creatures.
}
} An interesting property they have is that they aren't really virtual
} creatures at all, but actually anti-virtual creatures, or AVCs, in
} this case AVBs (Anti-Virtual Birds), composed entirely of anti-matter.
} Although you will not have noticed, someone else will experience the
} spontaneous appearance of a cat.  This, while not an anti-cat, is a
} Virtual Schroedinger's Cat, or VSC.  Over the course of the next few
} minutes, while I am near, the AVC will stalk the AVBs, and when I
} leave, the AVC will pounce, eat the AVBs, and both will annihilate
} each other, thus generating the exact amount of energy needed to
} bring them into existence in the first place. Net result: nothing.
}
} This phenomenon is interesting, but it is perfectly normal and is
} nothing to worry about.
}
} For the removal of your Uncertainty, you own the Oracle a Principle.


727-09    (2dqvn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oracle most wise, please tell me: what are the seven Wonders of
> the World?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't say whether you wanted the Seven Wonders of the Ancient
} World or the Seven Wonders of the Modern World, so here are both lists:
}
} THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD
}
} 1.  The Pyramids of Egypt--Even though there are a bunch, they all got
} grouped together as one.
} 2.  The Hanging Gardens of Babylon--These were built by King
} Nebuchadnezzar II so he'd have an excuse to get out of the house and
} away from the Queen on weekends.
} 3.  The Statue of Zeus at Olympia--This wasn't actually a statue, it's
} just that Zeus liked to sleep in most mornings.
} 4.  The Colossus of Rhodes--A giant statue of Helios, the sun god, it
} stood across the entrance to the Rhodes harbor.  It was knocked down by
} a boat with masts that were just a little too tall.
} 5.  The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus--To this day, you see chariots
} with bumper stickers from this tourist trap.
} 6.  The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus--The word "mausoleum" comes directly
} from this structure; the word means "building in which Mausolus's dead
} body was put because it was starting to stink up the palace."
} 7.  The Pharos of Alexandria--Ships' navigators always had trouble
} finding Alexandria because, looking at the map, they had no idea what a
} 'pharos' was.  Eventually, this structure was renamed "The Lighthouse
} of Alexandria."
}
} THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE MODERN WORLD
}
} 1.  The Leaning Tower of Pisa (Pisa, Italy)--The only reason this is a
} wonder of the world is because it hasn't fallen down yet.
} 2.  The Empire State Building (New York, New York)--This skyscraper is
} notable for having played a pivotal role in one of the best Bugs Bunny
} cartoons ever, "Baseball Bugs" (1946), which ends with Bugs climbing to
} the top of the zeppelin mooring mast to catch a baseball.
} 3.  The Chunnel (English Channel, U.K./France)--Notable for having the
} goofiest name of any Wonder since "Halicarnassus."
} 4.  Bureau of Engraving and Printing (Washington, DC)--The only wonder
} mainly noted for the people who work there.  Specifically, the tour
} guides who haven't yet strangled someone who asked "Hey, are there any
} free samples?"
} 5.  West Edmonton Mall (West Edmonton, Alberta)--"Why not put an
} amusement park inside a mall, eh?" asked someone, and this was the
} result.
} 6.  Principal Financial Group Building (Des Moines, Iowa)--Completed in
} 1990, this 44-story building is over 600 feet tall.  (The Des Moines
} Convention & Visitors' Association is a proud sponsor of the Wonders of
} the World Committee.)
} 7.  Indiana University (Bloomington, Indiana)--Home of the Oracle.
} Need I say more?
}
} You owe the Oracle a souvenir Temple of Artemis demitasse spoon.


727-10    (ejfrk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is truly better: Soloflex or NordicTrack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soloflex is better, because it doesn't take up as much room in the
} closet, where it will end up after three weeks.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty pushups.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org