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Internet Oracularities #729

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Usenet Oracularities #729    (79 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 3 May 1995 18:31:17 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   729
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

729   79 votes 79up8 ckmeb 56psf 6knn7 dhri4 4fpt6 fcdgn 5lsdc 49fns 3feit
729   3.3 mean  3.2   2.9   3.5   3.1   2.8   3.2   3.3   3.1   3.8   3.7


729-01    (79up8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include "grovel.h"
>
> Dear Oracle:
>
>      I've noticed lately that the published Oracularities aren't as
> funny as they once were.  As I'm sure your amazing wit hasn't withered,
> this can only be attributed to your priests.  Have they burned out, or
> have you simply replaced the old set with a new, less able set?
>
> Joe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Joe, you've always been one of my savvier supplicants, so I'm going to
} let you in on what's happened.  (By the way, I still get tickled by the
} [grovel.h] package, but watch out for the Copy Protection features.)
}
} Yes, as you suspected, some of the Priests WERE starting to get a bit
} overwhelmed, but the problem is not precisely what you think it is.
} What with the increasing numbers of Internet users, more publicity via
} NewsServers, and now the Web access, you can imagine how many really
} pathetic questions come in.  When it gets to be TOO much, it's always
} been the Priests' option to resort to a file of some of their own
} really pathetic answers, to use on persistant troublemakers.  (Uh, if
} certain supplicants **repeatedly** ask ditzy stuff, there's no point in
} reinforcing them, right?)   I NEVER subcontract the ZOT -- but the
} priests can just send off an automated disappointment from their
} Bore_File, leaving the supplicant convinced that dialing up an AOL
} Forum, or playing with their toes would be more exciting.
}
} The problem was, some of these ditz types discovered the archived
} digests, and a few of the brighter ones (everything is relative,
} right?) figured out that they were getting sub-standard personal
} answers.  You'd think that would serve as a pretty good hint, but
} despite this, many of them kept right on posting really dumb questions.
}
} The Priests' solution was to construct phoney Digests, so when these
} turkeys log on, they automatically receive special Mostly_Drivel
} Digests instead of getting the Nuggets_of_Truth.  Naturally we use the
} same questions as in the real Digests, but we substitute answers from
} the Bore_File.
}
} (No, we NEVER count THEIR votes.)
}
} Of course, none of this was meant to apply to you, Joe.  What happened
} in your case is this -- ONE of the offending types ALSO uses that
} [grovel.h] package.  As a result of a computer glitch in our Ditz
} Recognition Subroutine, your account was mis-keyed so that BOTH of you
} automatically receive the Drivel Digest, instead of the real one.  (I'm
} not surprised that YOU noticed, Joe, but you'd be amazed how many of
} THEM still think they're getting the real thing. Eventually most of
} them go away and do something else, which is the whole idea.)
}
} So, what to do about this glitch? Yeah, it's *possible* to make the
} adjustment at this end, Joe, but then you're about due for a grovel
} package update anyhow, so why don't you just take care of THAT, and you
} should have access to the real digests again.
}
} OK?
}
} T. U. Oracle


729-02    (ckmeb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jim Jim!  His keyboard's gone!  It just disapeared right off his desk!
} What do you mean he still has one?  It's gone I tell ya!  GONE!


729-03    (56psf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: cep@best.com (Christophe)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
> Who knows the true pre-cooking weight of a McDonalds hamburger,
> Who knows the formula for In and Out's secret Sauce,
> Who knows why Wendys serves a square burger,
>
> Can you tell me, your munifincence, what the contents of a package of
> basic, generic brand hot dogs contains?  Specifically, what animal
> parts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my grovelling supplicant, I am surprised that you ask such a
} simple question. Nevertheless I will answer.
}
} According to the 1989 food packaging bill, labels on all food products
} must, by law, correctly describe their contents for the consumer. If
} your package therefore says "hot dogs" - that is exactly what it must
} contain. If only parts of the animal concerned were involved it should
} say so. So unless the package specifically states otherwise you should
} assume that the whole dog has been processed.
}
} It has been brought to the Oracle's attention, however, that some
} stores have been selling packages of hot dogs which are not hot -- in
} some cases, even frozen. This is clearly against the law. Should you
} come across such a package of cold hot-dogs you should - as
} inconspicuously as possible - buy four of the offending packages. Wrap
} them in plain brown paper with a note identifying the store together
} with your name, address and telephone number. Mark the package WACO
} (With Authority of the Celebrated Oracle) and leave the package in the
} lobby of your nearest Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They
} will know what to do with it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of buffalo wings


729-04    (6knn7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose wisdom surpasses that of all mortals, please, you
> have aided me greatly socially and otherwise. Please deign to send me,
> again, the daily horoscope for all twelve zodiac signs.
>
> Thank you most humbly, O Grand and Glorious Usenet Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aries: Expect replacement by Stratus.
} Taurus: Cowboys with strange tools are prominent in your future.
}         Expect great loss soon.
} Gemini: Operation causes seperation anxiety.
} Cancer: Hot water and melted butter seem certain.  Avoid nets.
} Leo: Beware the schemes of no-good uncles.  Death of father
}      appears certain.  Suggested reading: Hamlet
} Virgo: Sagittarius figures prominently in your future bearing
}        Cancers.  Free clinic visit recommended.
} Libra: Expect to be lost by Justice in California beverage trial.
} Scorpio: Expect to be the next big thing in Hollywood.  Optical
}          effects and 50s retro-feel figure prominently.
} Sagittarius: Now a good time to trade in for AK-47 to replace
}              ancient weapon.  Suprise visit to Virgo.
} Capricorn: Check bridges for trolls before crossing.
} Aquarius: Avoid hills.  Falling down and breaking crown possible.
} Pisces: Boiling grease and tartar sauce seem certain.  Avoid worms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plate of Cancer and Pisces along with a video
} of Leo or Scorpio plus a date with Virgo.


729-05    (dhri4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> the way to Venice

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, an aficionado of old 1950's dance crazes... the Mashed Potato,
} the Tossed Salad,  the Funky Chicken, the Rabid Monkey  and of course,
} who could forget the Venice.
}
} (obviously you could - or you wouldn't have asked this question)
}
} Well, the way to Venice is first to raise your left leg above your
} head. Next, Grab hold of  your left ankle with your right  hand
} and your left knee with your left hand. Then bend *both* knees in
} time with the music employing a smooth flowing action similar to
} a Venician gondolier. Forward motion is accomplished by turning
} the right foot sideways and doing a sort of heel-and-toe shuffle.
} Experienced Venice-ers (or "Venicians" as they called themselves)
} are able to move smoothly and gracefully around the dance floor while
} hardly ever falling over.
}
} Naturally it helps if you are double-jointed -- which explains,
} perhaps, why this particular dance craze never caught on in such a
} big way as some of the others.
}
} You owe the Oracle an appointment with your chiropractor.


729-06    (4fpt6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle,
>   I represent the law firm of Screwem, Cheetum, and Leavemfordead.  I
> am mailing to inform you that you are being sued for gross misconduct
> leading to the delinquency of a minor by the boy's parents.  Evidently,
> when the boy asked you a simple question about some animal from
> Madagascar for his science report, your response was less than
> "scientifically valid".
>   The proposed, and I quote directly from your response, "woodchuck
> bomb to suppress the anarchist rebellion of the bloodsucking lemurs"
> managed to destroy half of the school, injuring hundreds of students
> in the process.
>   Do you have anything to say in your defense?
>
>                                        Sincerely P. Mason
>                                        Attorney-at-Law

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Mason:
}
} Thank you for your recent letter.  The Usenet Oracle has
} retained the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe to handle
} all affairs regarding the alleged woodchuck bomb incident.
} In future, please direct all correspondence regarding this
} matter to me.
}
} My client denies all liability in the case to which you
} refer, and furthermore, emphatically states that it was
} not possible for him to "contribute to the delinquency" of
} the child in question, given the child's thoroughly
} delinquent nature prior to the incident.  My client points
} out that it was the child who asked the original question.
} My client did not initiate contact with the child, and
} did give ample warning as to the nature and capability of
} the woodchuck bomb.
}
} My client also indicates that several Federal judges owe
} him favors.  It is unlikely that an action against him
} would be successful.
}
} Your client owes the Oracle an apology and a jolly good
} grovel, plus court costs and reasonable attorney's fees.
}
} Respectfully yours,
} Kenny Cheatham, Esq.


729-07    (fcdgn dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do trees dream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: oracle@cs.indiana.edu (The Usenet Oracle)
} Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems
} Subject: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome)
}
}             yes the trees dream yes
}
} palms on the tropic cruise-ship's paradise postcard
} dream of dropping death's dark coconuts on skulls
} of Sports Illustrated swimsuit maidens
}
} redwoods stalk the brain cells of Reagan's last nightmare
} to say if you've seen one Republican you've
} seen them all
}
} cherry trees on Washington mall
} dream their red fruit a hail of bullets
} making the White House incarnadine
}
} and all trees great or small
} in one endless bloodlust, dream of stomping
} woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks
} and squishing their guts out so they can't chuck any wood at
} all, the fiendish little greasy smarmy bagbiting filthy rodents!
}
}               *     *     *
}
} From: dcevans@briannon.wellesley.edu
} Subject: Re: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome)
}
} Usenet, I just love the image of the murder-coconuts dropping on the
} SI models, but don't you thinkk you should do something with the
} milk imagery?  I mean, when they hit and crack open all the coconut
} milk is going to splatter all over the models, and it's kind of ironic
} because the models are all chosen for their prominent breasts, and milk
} comes from breasts.  Also it's sort of orgasmic, don't you think?  I
} mean a palm tree is very phallic.  But what you do with the "cherry
} trees" is great, virgins turning into avengers of Womyn.  Maybe to link
} the Reagan part to the first stanza you should have something about his
} daughter Patti's nude photos.  Junk lines 2-3 and put:
}
}               their wood pulp now paper for Playboy
}               pandering Patti's postlapsarian pubes
}
} I don't get the woodchucks though?
}
} From: smith07@primenet.com (Dan Smith)
} Subject: Re: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome)
}
} When are you f***ing liberals gonna learn that Reagan was a great
} President, he was right about Star Wars 'cuz he knew the Russinas
} couldn't spend enuf to keep up with us, even with Altzhemers he's
} got a higher I.Q. than the penis-brain coward draft-doging faggotlover
} in the White House , also screw your gun-control third stanza.
}
} Better yet just take this poem and shove it "where the sun don't
} shine" as we say in Phoenix.
}
} From: barfield@swarthmore.edu (Roger Barfield)
} Subject: Re: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome)
}
} Orrie, Shakespeare already used the word "incarnadine" in Macbeth.
} So you have to show that this is an allusion, otherwise it's
} plagiarism.  Also, there needs to be more geographical specificity
} in the first stanza or the reader won't be convinced by the coconuts.
} After all, if they're cruising off Mexico it wouldn't be coconut
} palms because only date palms are indigenous in the Americas.
} OK, so it could be a resort where they've planted coconut palms,
} but you have to make that explicit.
}
} On the other hand I like the second stanza because the allusion
} is so recherche; most of my "MTV-generation" peers wouldn't know
} that Reagan said "if you've seen one redwood you've seen them all."
} I like a poem that the hoi polloi can't understand.  (BTW, did you
} ever hear the Limbaugh show where he used "hoi polloi" as a
} synonym for "learned"?  WHAT an ignoramus!)
}
} Oh God, I just got the "woodchucks" line, it's Lear's audacious
}
}       Never, never, never, never, never
}
} !!!  Orrie you're such a genius!  This one's a keeper for my
} Web page, c'est entendu?
}
} From: DeepBrain@aol.com (Deep Brain)
} Subject: Re: yes the trees dream yes (C&C welcome)
}
} I GOT A "WOODCHUCK" JUST THINKING OF THOSE SI MODELS, HE-HEH!
}
} (P.S. this board is really realllly stupid!)


729-08    (5lsdc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will Dave quit West?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  You didn't specify which Dave you meant. Of course, *I* know which
} Dave you meant, but to discourage getting this question again from
} other supplicants about other Daves, I will go ahead and supply the
} answer for a bunch of them. I got the answers by simply asking the Dave
} in question.
}
} Dave Barry: "Definitely. I mean who wants to live in a place where you
} can get past-life therapy for your pets? I am not making this up."
}
} Dave Letterman: "`Will Dave quit West?' What kind of a question is
} that?? Now, what am I supposed to say to this?...What do you make of
} this, Paul?"
}                 "Whatever you say, Dave."
}                 "Ah, you're no help at all. Ok, we'll save this for
} later on in the show." <sets question aside>
}
} Dave Lennox: "No. The West is one of our best markets for our fine air-
} conditioning products." (See also the alt.folklore.conditioners.air
} faq)
}
} Davey Jones: "West would be a groovy place for a Monkees comeback."
}
} Dave Sindelar: "No. It will be funny in retrospect. I am, however,
} quitting stew, which is an anagram of West."
}
} King David: "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of
} my life, and I will dwell in the West forever."
}
} David Hume: "I doubt it."
}
} David Atkinson: "I am firmly in favor of Westward expansion. I'm sure
} the President will be looking into it when he is sworn in tomorrow."
}
} Davey: "Gee, Goliath, do you think God wants me to quit West?"
}
} Dave Garroway: "And we'll be talking about the important West issue at
} 8:16, but first, here's J. Fred Muggs."
}
} David Bowie: "Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do."
}
} You owe the Oracle the Top Ten Reasons Why You Asked This Question.


729-09    (49fns dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and mystical Oracle, I grovel submissively at your glorious feet
> -- for I am desperately in need of help with the English language! I am
> sure that you already know of tough and bough and cough and dough?
> Others may stumble (but never you, your magnificence) on hiccough,
> thorough, laugh and through. But what is one to do perhaps with the
> language's less familiar traps??
>
> Beware of heard, a dreadful word that looks like beard and sounds like
> bird. And dead -- it's said like "bed," not "bead" -- for goodness
> sake's don't call it "deed." A moth is not a moth in mother, nor both
> in bother, broth in brother. And "here" is not a match for "there," nor
> "dear" and "fear" for "bear" and "pear." And then there's dose and rose
> and lose. Just look them up --  and goose and choose! And cork and work
> and card and ward and font and front and word and sword and do and go
> and thwart and cart -- oh Oracle, I've hardly made a start!
>
> What's a foreigner to do???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've omitted read and read.
} Now's the time to do the deed.
} Take the lead--
} or take the lead,
} And whomp them hard until they're dead
}
} Now what of their and they're and their?
} Hare and hair, bare and bear?
} Here and hear, or beer and bier?
} Madness comes from plurals, too:
} One deer, dear, or two for you?
} One mongoose is simply said.
} Two of them I always dread.
} Is it mongeese or mongooses?
} The plural loses--or is that looses?
} One mongoose and then another.
} Send the spare one to my brother.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.


729-10    (3feit dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise and Majestic Oracle, Keeper of Knowledge and Patron of all that
> is Academic,
>
> I work at a university.  One of my co-workers noticed that I had picked
> up a class schedule to select a class to take next semester (the
> university has a free-tuition program for employees).  She told me to
> pick out a class for her to take.  Naturally, I thought I should bring
> the question before a Higher Power, namely Yourself.  What class should
> she take?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Self-Assertiveness Training.


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