[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:57:16 GMT

Internet Oracularities #73

Goto:
73, 73-01, 73-02, 73-03, 73-04, 73-05, 73-06, 73-07, 73-08, 73-09, 73-10


Usenet Oracularities #73
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 4 Dec 89 20:22:19 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.


73-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Id di just releast the big computer virus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't think so.  It's not due for a while yet......
}
} *INTERRUPT*
} Welcome to pirate Oracle.  We are broadcasting from a van somewhere in
} Indiana and we are overriding the normal Oracle signal.
} *TAPE MARK* *TAPE MARK* *VOL 1*
} Our edits may not be as clean, but are our answers sure are.
} *END OF INFORMATION*
} *REFERENCE:  Rev. Donald Wildmon*
} Pirate Oracle has been brought to you by the PMRC.  Serving to find
} more ways to serve you.
} *GARBLE*
} It appears that the normal Oracle service is resisting.
} Ha ha ha.  Ha ha ha.
} They'll never be able to...
} ...who's that in the Camero behind us?
} ...Lisa?  How'd SHE find us?  AAAAAGGGGHHHH?
} *GUNFIRE EDITED OUT TO KEEP PG RATING*
} *INTERRUPT*
} I foresee no trouble from any sort of viruses for a while.  I have an
} expert debugger.
}
} You owe the oracle a boot record.


73-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a program that plays Tic-Tac-Toe.  My instructor asked me to
> write a program that did something called game tree search but I decided
> it was easier to ask the Oracle.  My opponent has just moved and the
> board position is now
>    - - -
>    - X -
>    - - -
> What is my best move?  Please respond quickly as my opponent is waiting.
> Use the notation [r,c] where r is the row (1-3) and c is the column
> (1-3).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best move is ...
}
} [pause for computation]
}
} King's pawn to Vancouver, British Columbia.
}
} If your opponent then leads spades, throw a 6d6 Lightning Bolt spell.


73-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Well, Oracle, I have this pet rubber band, you see.  I like to milk
> it frequently, and on occasion, I will coil it into a lucid dream.  On
> Wednesdays, when electricity is bountiful, I provide it with a cup of
> strawberry Quik(tm) just because.  However, the dust clogs it up day
> after day, and what I really need to know is, what SIZE??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, you have to be very careful of the elderberry-blossom tea.
} It doesn't go very well with the fritters at all.  The sparrows aren't a
} very good idea either, because they prefer nylon and anchovies.
} Preferential trade agreements are much better than electricity,
} especially when the strawberry Quik(tm) is iconoclastic, which
} frequently happens under infrequent circumstances.  When the dust gets
} around, just remember that behind every good man is a good tourniquet.


73-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to annoy Mr.  Rogers.  What is the best and most untraceable way
> to do so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pick his pockets, remove cigarettes, substitute exploding trick ones.
}
} Send him a telegram saying `ALL IS KNOWN, FLEE THE COUNTRY'
}
} Immerse his Filofax is Brown Windsor soup.
}
} Carry his car down the street to a No Parking area where it can be
} clearly seen from the Police Station, and leave it there.
}
} Hide his underpants.
}
} Train his dog to savage him.
}
} Draw clothes on the pin-ups that he has put on his office notice board.
}
} Fill his pen with the magic ink that writes black but then fades to
} invisible as it dries.
}
} The ol' drawing pin on the chair routine.
}
} Keep calling him Mr Bodgers.
}
} Phone his house at 4am.  Say `I'm a burglar.  I can't get into your
} apartment because the windows are locked.  Would you mind opening them
} for me?'
}
} Leave his phone number with a homosexual dating service.  (If
} homosexual, use a hetero dating service.)
}
} Ping elastic bands at his head.


73-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your advice, oh worldly wise one !  Can you please tell me how I can
> become a great folk singer, like your good self.  I've tried wearing
> woolly sweaters, and sticking my hand on my ear, but something's still
> missing.
>
> Please help,
> Desperate of England.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to learn to play guitar.  Or you need to replace the metal
} strings of a guitar by pieces of stretched chewing gum and to hide a
} tape cassette player in the body of the instrument so you can play a
} tune on the cassette player and mime a strum to it.
}
} Now, you need some songs.  Do not go to a music shop and buy a book of
} tried and tested songs:  write your own.  Avoid useful and interesting
} subjects like how to make tea or why hotels only ever have one room with
} a shower instead of a bath but you always get put into that one, which
} is what people really need to know.  Concentrate either on comic
} subjects like `There's an Alien Spacecraft in my Dustbin' or deeply
} meaningful subjects like rape, abortion or Nicaragua, of which neither
} you nor any of your audeince has any experience at all.
}
} The following song will make you famous and extremely rich if you sing
} it very loudly each morning:
}
} Bossa nova tempo, metronome = 120
}
} There's an alien spacecraft in my dustbin  (C, G, C, F7)
} I found it at half past three              (Bflat, Cdim, C)
} I was throwing away a cardboard box        (Amin, Emin, F, G)
} And drinking a cup of tea,                 (D7, G7 C)
} It was hiding under a baked bean tin       (repeat chord sequence)
} With a terrified demeanour
} I think I must have sucked it up
} In my Hoover vacuum cleaner.
}
} It was flat, metallic and four inches square
} I put it in the microfiche reader
} There war writing engraved upon the side
} Saying `Take me to your Leader!'
} I greeted the tiny spacemen inside
} They were bug-eyed, hairy and green,
} Then I sealed the craft in an envelope
} And posted it off to the Queen.


73-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do all women seem to enjoy Leather so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women, sir, are not like men.  Men can lie around at home, eating
} chocolates and daintily dusting the mantlepiece.  Women have to go out
} into the world and fight for a living.  They must pit their strength
} against the wind and the rain and the snow, against the mighty grizzly
} and the subtle mountain lion and the dread ice wolves.  They tear your
} sustenance from the bosom of the earth by strength and sheer guts.
}
} Did you really expect them to wear delicate lace chemises like you?


73-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does a hot water tap work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh the hot water she go in,
}   and the hot water she go out,
}    and the hot water cum up from the wall
}   and drip all out the spout,
} oh the hot water she go in,
}   'till you turn the handle roun',
}     then the hot water from behind the wall
}    gonna spill out on the groun'
} oh the hot water she go in,
}   she cum up from the floor
}    and when you turn that 'handle 'roun'
}   she spill out on the floor!


73-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         O most wise wiseass, why is it that my roommate likes throwing
> darts at people's feet (or worse)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Obviously, this signifies something deeper in the psyche of your
} roommate than just an affection for threatening people's toes with sharp
} flying objects.
}
}         As the Oracle probes deeper into the mind of your roommate, he
} finds that it is a dark place, poorly furnished, with utilities extra.
} The propriator is a small man carrying a large dart over his shoulder.
} This the Oracle notes for it might be important.  He asks the Oracle if
} it's come about the pipes and the Oracle replies no, it's come about the
} throwing-darts-at-people's-feet business, whereupon the little man hefts
} his large dart and throws it at the Oracles feet.
}
}         The Oracle ponders the potential symbolism of this.  From the
} general atmosphere of his/her mind, the Oracle decides that your
} roommate is unhappy with the status of his feet.  He/She (choose one but
} not both) has developed a severe case of suppressed foot-envy that
} manifests itself as aggressiveness towards the feet of other people,
} which he/she regards as unfairly perfect.  Thus, the darts business are
} an attempt to disfigure the feet of others in revenge for his/her
} imperfect piggies.
}
}         The underlying cause is, of course, sex.  The suppressed
} foot-envy is really the overt manifestation of a foot fetish that
} reaches back to his/her mother/father's feet.  Just be glad your
} roommate does not keep a chain-saw.
}
}         You owe the Oracle two pairs of brogans, size 12.


73-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh tell me, most wise Oracle-like being...
>
> If people in Great Britain drive of the left side of the road, and
> people in Scotland drive on the right side of the road, what occurs at
> the border when the roads meet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THUD!


73-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, what poetry is there that is worse than Vogon poetry, and
> quote me a medium-length net.sex.goddess poem...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am not know this Vogon, not the good English major.  Still the poem is
} the easy to find.
}
} Once upon a brillig time
}   there was a festy plot;
} as often as the salmon ran,
}   the plot would chirp and squat.
}
} But then along came half a tub
}   and seven geese and trout.
} And then they put the festY plot
}   twice up the waterspout.
}
} Alas, for thee whom Lisa squished!
}   Alas for plots so damp!
} I sing of brooks where Euclid fished!
}   I also have a cramp!
}
} And afterwards this half-a-tub
}   Did squarely make a noise
} And bristled up its marble shrub
}   To thirteen blurly-boys.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org