} You need to learn to play guitar. Or you need to replace the metal
} strings of a guitar by pieces of stretched chewing gum and to hide a
} tape cassette player in the body of the instrument so you can play a
} tune on the cassette player and mime a strum to it.
} Now, you need some songs. Do not go to a music shop and buy a book of
} tried and tested songs: write your own. Avoid useful and interesting
} subjects like how to make tea or why hotels only ever have one room with
} a shower instead of a bath but you always get put into that one, which
} is what people really need to know. Concentrate either on comic
} subjects like `There's an Alien Spacecraft in my Dustbin' or deeply
} meaningful subjects like rape, abortion or Nicaragua, of which neither
} you nor any of your audeince has any experience at all.
} The following song will make you famous and extremely rich if you sing
} it very loudly each morning:
} Bossa nova tempo, metronome = 120
} There's an alien spacecraft in my dustbin (C, G, C, F7)
} I found it at half past three (Bflat, Cdim, C)
} I was throwing away a cardboard box (Amin, Emin, F, G)
} And drinking a cup of tea, (D7, G7 C)
} It was hiding under a baked bean tin (repeat chord sequence)
} With a terrified demeanour
} I think I must have sucked it up
} In my Hoover vacuum cleaner.
} It was flat, metallic and four inches square
} I put it in the microfiche reader
} There war writing engraved upon the side
} Saying `Take me to your Leader!'
} I greeted the tiny spacemen inside
} They were bug-eyed, hairy and green,
} Then I sealed the craft in an envelope
} And posted it off to the Queen.