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Internet Oracularities #730

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Usenet Oracularities #730    (92 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 08:16:43 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

730   92 votes kkodf 9oBe8 7blyj 5ixpb 42Ayg bphmh ipkgd cmzj4 cirq9 3ewte
730   3.1 mean  2.8   2.9   3.5   3.2   3.6   3.1   2.8   2.8   3.0   3.4


730-01    (kkodf dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> I am stuck at the 'net' prompt.
> What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Press the power switch.


730-02    (9oBe8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is freemasonry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You people nowadays....it's always,  "What is *really* the meaning of
} life?" "What is the nature of the universe?" "What's really in cheese
} doodles?" All of this without even a decent grovel.......
}
} Do you think I enjoy answering your questions?  Some of them actually
} even take thought on my part!  Sheesh!
}
} Anyway, top answer your question, we'll talk to expert masonry Bob.
} Bob has his own masonry and stone working business.
}
} Oracle:  So, Bob, what exactly is freemasonry (in your own words)?  the
} supplicant wants to know.
} Bob:  Well, Oracle, It's a mythical concept.  You see, Big O,there are
} people who know me and have stonework that needs to get done.  Since I
} am a professional, everyone always asks me for help on their
} projects.....and of course they want it for free!  Now, since I run my
} own business, I can't afford to do this........so I don't.  Therefore,
} you see, free masonry doesn't exist.  I'm actually quite an expensive
} masonry expert, but hey you get what you pay for!
} Oracle:  Are you sure it doesn't exist?
} Bob:  Yes I  am.
} Oracle:  For anyone?
} Bob:  Nobody.
} Oracle:  Oh I see...... then I suppose that new temple you are building
} for me needs to be paid for, doesn't it?
} Bob:  Yes, as a matter of fact.........
} ***ZOT***
}
} You owe the Oracle an inexpensive mason.


730-03    (7blyj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Benevolent Oracle, I know how you appreciate randomly generated
> grovels, but this time I think I'd better get right to the point.
>
> My team recently invented an immortal mouse. I'm not talking "longevity
> gene" here, I mean, these little squeakers can *not* be killed. We
> tried. Oh, how we tried.
>
> The first thing we tried was a lethal injection, but we couldn't manage
> to put a needle through the skin. The mouse would only get irritated
> and sort of squirm around and bite the needle in half.
>
> We next administered the toxin orally, and there was no problem getting
> the mice to ingest any of a dozen lethal substances mixed in their food
> pellets. In fact, as we soon discovered, they would eat any substance
> we put in their food hoppers and apparently draw nourishment fromit.
> None of the toxins had any noticeable effect on the mice.
>
> We tried various gaseous substances, but they had little effect. Pure
> VX at 400 kPa did cause one mouse to exhibit slight nervous behaviour,
> so this alley is perhaps the most promising one open to us at the
> moment.
>
> Then we tried starvation. Apparently, some sort of photosynthesis is
> going on in the fur. Yet the ones we locked in a dark vacuum chamber
> two months ago are still happily moving about on a circadian cycle of
> 25.07 days, so we must assume there's some internal source of energy,
> possibly based on cold fusion.
>
> Next, a batch of mice were placed in a high-temperature oven and heated
> to 4000 K for 10 hours. The time was extended by another 10 hours, and
> then another, until the Director started worrying about the electricity
> bill.
>
> We placed seven specimens in a diamond pressure vessel to be compressed
> at 500 MPa for 1 hour or until dead. After 37 minutes, high-pitched
> squeaking was heard from the vessel, and we had a brief surge of hope.
> However, at 38 minutes, the vessel exploded, spraying hydraulic fluid
> all over the lab. The mice were located under a sink, gnawing at shards
> of diamond, and they returned willingly to their cage when the rest of
> the shards were placed inside it.
>
> Electrocution didn't work -- the fur apparently functions as a high-
> temperature superconductor, as Dr. Cranshaw discovered after blowing a
> $500,000 energy storage capacitor. This also reduces the effectiveness
> of high-intensity electromagnetic fields. They do sparkle beautifully
> in a common microwave oven.
>
> One mouse was immersed in a 40% solution of nitric acid. It swam around
> for 40 hours, never pausing to rest, until it got bored, kicked a hole
> through the container, and went directly back to its cage, as could be
> observed from the ragged footprints it left in the stainless steel
> floor.
>
> We were getting somewhat desperate. Dr. Metcalf placed two mice in a
> heavy-duty centrifuge and set it to 20000 rpm. After two hours, one of
> the mice kicked up the lid, breaking the heavy locks. It stepped out of
> the cradle and momentum carried it through a closed window. It sailed
> across the courtyard, landing in the Geology department, where it
> proceeded to eat Dr. Tennyson's core samples. The centrifuge still
> containing the other mouse was torn off its foundations, demolished two
> labs and a hallway, and finally came to a halt in a broom closet,
> whereupon the mouse exited it, and started lapping up window cleaner.
>
> Dr. Lebowitz, who has lumberjack ancestry, wanted to try a chainsaw.
> Frame-by-frame scrutiny of the videotape reveals the rodent grabbing
> the chain by its teeth and being conveyed at high velocity through the
> plastic guard plate. The severe injury to Dr. Lebowitz's hand resulted
> from the mouse trying to halt its flight by hooking its tail around his
> thumb.
>
> Lastly, lasers turned out to be useless, as the fur refracts and
> scatters every wavelength, so that the energy is dissipated all around
> the creature. I'm personally responsible for burning up every piece of
> combustible material in the High-Energy Optics hall, and melting most
> of the rest. Oh, and the mouse is responsible for the toothmarks on the
> terminal focusing lens on the Nova.
>
> We haven't been able to test a nuclear device, but the DoD say they're
> going to arrange that. I'm a bit worried what'll happen. Anyway, my
> question is, in light of the incredible commercial potential these
> creatures exhibit, would you consider accepting a share of 50% of the
> net profits generated during my lifetime, in exchange for your securing
> my immortal soul from... the parties currently holding it, and
> returning it to me? I understand you have connections to the...
> entities one needs to talk to.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle feels cruelly let down.  No, not by the perfunctory grovel,
} but by discovering finally that the question was not "How do I kill the
} mice?"  The Oracle, as it happens, is quite an expert in this area and
} is in a position to give you a tremendous answer on sorting the little
} squeakers right out, seven minutes, max, for strong ones.  Well, if you
} don't want to know about paralytic shellfish poisoning then you don't
} and it's your own bad luck.
}
} To proceed with you actual question, the answer is:
}
} 1.  WHAT commercial prospects?  Aflatoxins aside, what are you hoping to
}     sell, and to whom?  What demand are you hoping to satisfy?
}
} 2.  50% net?  Are you out of your skull?  The Oracle wants 60% of the
}     gross AFTER being convinced of the existence of a Good Thing.  At
}     the moment, even that is a very iffy prospect.  The Oracle suggests
}     that the Director take some time out from worrying about the
}     electricity bill and put some time into worrying about how writing
}     proposals appears to be an unknown art in your laboratory.
}
} 3.  What immortal soul?  The Oracle's people have been in contact with
}     the people of The Certain Other Entity To Whom You Appeared To Be
}     Referring.  There is No Record of any holding under your name.  The
}     Oracle's people, believing that they had jumped to a conclusion,
}     then checked up with The Alternative Entity's people with the same
}     result.
}
}     The Oracle is forced to the conclusion that you have more immediate
}     concerns than worrying about dubious Get Rich Quick schemes.  And
}     the Oracle is not (in the first instance, at any rate) talking about
}     the administrative costs to which the Oracle's Investments and
}     Securities staff has been put.  Geddit?
}
} Oh, and one more thing: that nuclear experiment you're cooking up with
} the DoD?  A word of free advice: don't do it.  Just don't, okay?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Get Rich Quick scheme (that works).


730-04    (5ixpb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and heavenly, who is closer to the gods
> than to mortals, please bestow a mite of your knowledge to
> me, a humble supplicant who kneels sniveling at your feet.
>
> It is well known that the food of the gods is ambrosia and
> nectar.  I know about nectar, but what exactly is this
> ambrosia stuff?  A recipe would be nice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I like your groveling. Payment for the answer to this question is
} waived. However you might not like the answer. Yes, ambrosia is the
} food of the gods, but think what will happen if I give you the recipe.
} You will be able to eat it, and I suppose all of your friends as well.
}
} What will happen then? No self-respecting god would eat the same as the
} great unwashed masses. Yes! You! Look at those greasy keys you've been
} typing on. Look at the chair you're sitting (or rather slouching) in.
} Why would a god want you sniveling around their recipies?
}
} So rather than cause the gods to go hungry, I'm going to send you the
} recipe for humble pie.
}
} Ingredients:-
}
} 2 cups of abasement
} 1 pinch of mortification
} 2 teaspoons of shame
} 1/2 pound humiliation
} 2 tablespoons of grandeur
}
} Method:- Crush the grandeur into small pieces and mix with the
} humiliation. Simmer this mixture over low heat while mixing in the
} mortification and shame. Roll the abasement into a flat piece about
} 1/8" thick.
}
} Line a pie dish with the abasement, and when the simmering mixture
} thickens pour into the lined dish and cover with another piece of
} abasement.
}
} Condescend this for 1/2 hour. Serve cold.
}
} You would have owed the Oracle a submissive tart.


730-05    (42Ayg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when any number is multiplied by 9, the answer (when
> numbers taken individually) adds up to 9 or multiples of 9 or has 9 in
> the answer. eg. 2 * 9 = 18
>             1 + 8 = 9
>               ????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, sorry.  It doesn't.  That is a design error in mathematical
} theory which Mr. G. and I discussed eons ago.  He's never bothered to
} getting around to fixing it - claims it requires some sort of change
} in the laws of the entire universe, and that would be overtime work -
} so we're stuck with the flaw.
}
} The one saving grace is that the error is no longer detectable at higher
} integer values:
}
}               11 * 9 = 99
}               9 + 9 = 18
}
} As you can see, 18 is certainly not a - hey, Wait a minute...
}
}               1 + 8 = 9
}
} This is odd.  What about:
}
}               452 * 9 = 4068
}               4 + 0 + 6 + 8 = 18
}
} Ack!  It's back!
}
}               1 + 8 = 9
}
} I'm going to need a bit of time here to fix this bug.  It seems the
} number 9 leak has propogated itself into all numbers.  If this keeps up,
} we'll have numerical chaos on our hands.
}
} You owe the Oracle - um... I didn't really answer you on this one, did
} I?  Right.  In that case:
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  9 of them.


730-06    (bphmh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient Oracle, owner of ostentatious overseas optical offices,
> organizer of officially observed operatic organizations..
>
> On occasion, our ordinarily obliging offspring omits obligatory
> offerings. OK, or offence?
>
> (Our only other offspring, Oliver, obediently offers our Oracle opulent
> or outstandingly original objects.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh.
}
} On occasion, older obdurate offspring overlook obsequious
} object-offering. Ordinarily, offspring outgrow outpourings of offerings
} - 'Obsolete!'s often oraculated.
}
} Overt oversdoses of overlooked offerings?  Obtain obituaries of
} offspring!
}
} Oliver's onslaught of outstanding offerings oppose other offspring's
} offerings.  Open ostracizing (oblique or otherwise) of other offspring,
} offloads onerous ordeals on Oliver's opponent.
}
} OK.
} Oliver?  Obligingly obsequious.
} Other Offspring?  Obnoxious opprobrious oaf.
}
} Omnipresent Oracle's Owed Other Offbeat Oracularities.


730-07    (ipkgd dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise and just one, is O.J. guilty or innocent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look here member of the jury, if you can't make your own mind up, what
} hope is there?


730-08    (cmzj4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great & powerful Oracle I humble myself before you (And I *don't* do
> this for just anybody - despite the rumours) please grant me the answer
> to this:  Why is it; when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual
> harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.99 a minute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see, life is not fair. Nothing is for free. The harassment is only
} a cover to keep men from trying to have fun for free. The government
} and women have signed a contract that makes sure men will not try and
} have simple fun, but rather to make everything have it's drawback.
}
} You owe the oracle $11.97 for the three minutes it took to respond.


730-09    (cirq9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O healthful Oracle, whose intake of cholesterol is never deterimental
> to your health, who never gains or loses weight (except when you want
> to), please tell me:
>
> How are Mr. Peanut (the Planters peanuts mascot) and Mr. Salty (the
> pretzel mascot) related, and who is the mascot for unsalted pretzels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Hmmmm ... excellent question.  Let's find the answer.
}
}      OracleQuery:  GENEOLOGY@SALTLAKE.MORMON.REL
}      > Enter name of first subject
}      Mr. Salty
}      > Enter name of second subject
}      Mr. Peanut
}      > Enter name of third subject
}
}      > Processing ......................................
}      > 0 Records Found
}
}      Well, I guess they weren't Mormons.  Time to do this the old
}      fashioned way.  Lisa, please find me the Book Of Everybody,
}      volume 983,554,014: Earth.
}
}      *flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip ... flip ... flip ... flip*
}
}      Hmm ... not in there, either.  This IS interesting.  Well,
}      there's only one more thing to try.  Lisa, please get your mother
}      on the phone.
}
}      "Hello, Ms. Lipshitz?"
}
}      "Oh, well hello!  Is that you, Orrie?"
}
}      "Yes, me again.  Listen, I'd like to know if you have any idea
}      how Mr. Peanut and Mr. Salty are related."
}
}      "Oh, now that's a SHAMEFUL story.  I couldn't POSSIBLY repeat
}      it."
}
}      "Please, Ms. Lipshitz, we really do need to know."
}
}      "Well, you know how I hate to gossip, but for you, Orrie ...
}      Well, anyway.  Remember back in the early days of movies, when
}      all of the cupcakes and the drinks used to dance across the
}      screen and tell everybody to go to the snack bar?  They were all
}      so cute in their little skirts and tap shoes.  Well, anyway, one
}      of those cupcakes was called Terri.  You won't have heard of her,
}      since her family made her change her name and sent her off to
}      Milwaukee after the whole scandal.  Anyway, late one night, she
}      happened to meet someone, and she fell madly in love with him.
}      That's the problem with youngsters, they'll fall madly in love
}      with anything at the drop of a hat."
}
}      "Why was that so scandalous, Ms. Lipshitz?"
}
}      "Well, you know, he was an usher."
}
}      "So the scandal was because he was human and she was a cupcake?"
}
}      "Good lord, NO, Orrie!  Didn't you learn ANYTHING in that fancy
}      Oracle school your mother sent you to?  He was an USHER!  And her
}      a big movie star.  So far beneath her station."  (sound of
}      sighing)  "If I didn't know better, I'd say that Terri just did
}      it to spite her whole family.  But of course she was brought up
}      better than that."
}
}      "I don't mean to hurry you, Ms. Lipshitz, but we're a bit pressed
}      for time ..."
}
}      "Oh, yes.  Terribly sorry.  Anyway, they had a torrid affair, all
}      of it in secret, and the twins were the result.  Terri managed to
}      go on acting all the way to the end, since it's so difficult to
}      tell when a cupcake is pregnant.  Now those were the good days,
}      when men liked their women well-padded.  What IS this modern
}      obsession with skeletal structure, that all you young men need to
}      see ribs on your women?  It's positively indecent."
}
}      "Ms. Lipshitz, PLEASE."
}
}      "Oh, for crying out loud, Orrie, you call me only twice a week
}      and all you ever do is try to hush me up.  I swear, I don't know
}      what Lisa sees in you.  It certainly couldn't be your good
}      manners, or your respect for" *CLICK*
}
}      Well, there you go, supplicant.  The relationship between Mr.
}      Peanut and Mr. Salty.  As to the spokesman for nonsalted
}      pretzels, there isn't one.  The damn things taste so nasty that
}      nobody wants to be associated with them.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a handful of trail mix, and the updated
}      version of the Book Of Everybody, all 64,846,882,926,107 volumes.


730-10    (3ewte dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, whoe grasp of language is such that you understand
> the distinction between "flammable" and "inflammable":
>
> Why do the words "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the words have completely different meanings.  Whereas
} "inflammable" means that an object can be inflamed, or set on fire, a
} flammable object may be flamed, or verbally assaulted as follows:  you
} idiot, get a freaking dictionary and learn the difference between two
} words yourself.  You are a waste of intellect...etc.  Never buy
} flammable charcoal, it doesn't light, and therefore gets verbally
} assaulted.
}
} You owe the Oracle a childproof lighter or a flameproof child.


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