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Internet Oracularities #731

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731, 731-01, 731-02, 731-03, 731-04, 731-05, 731-06, 731-07, 731-08, 731-09, 731-10


Usenet Oracularities #731    (94 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 13:50:37 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   731
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

731   94 votes egkok eBtd1 9wxh3 5gqvg aemAc hfjoj djlqf 59gnF eqmma 8evtc
731   3.1 mean  3.2   2.5   2.7   3.4   3.3   3.1   3.1   3.9   2.9   3.2


731-01    (egkok dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Didn't I tell you? HA! I was right and you were wrong,
> lah-dee-dah-dee-dah-dah! Oh, I love it when I don't have to grovel
> because THE ORACLE SCREWED UP. Hah! I laugh at you and your so called
> zotting behaviour.  I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a
> hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Ni! na na na na na na na
> na hey hey good bye!  Ekkiekkiekkiekkip'kangyeowwwwSPLASH! I don't have
> to grovel I don't have to grovel nyah na nyah na boo boo! *ZOT* whee!
> *ZOT* Can't touch me! *ZOT* Oooh, close one... NOT! The Oracle's a
> sphincter boy! He's pail! He's bucket! Doo doo dedoo Can't touch this!
> And that's another K for Oracle.  What a bad game he's having in net.
> They've already got a home run, a touchdown, two tries, a shot through
> the five hole, _and_ sent him out leg-before-wicket.
>
> By the way, you were wrong.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  This is your brain on woodchucks. Any questions?


731-02    (eBtd1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I had a finger sandwich the other day, and I must say,
> it was a digital delight, eaten bite by byte;
> and while the sammich in my mouth I'm cramming,
> I savor the flavor of electronic jamming.
> I neXt had welsh rarebit and chips,
> so good! so good! I smacked my lips.
>
> O Oracle, whose culinary arts surpass
> the total sum of all the Usenet mass,
> what are some other computer foods
> I might put on my hash table?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa!!  Get out the recipe book...  we need some computer foods...
}
} "Would you like volume 95313 or 95314?"
}
} Ehh... bring 'em both...  we've got all day, right?
}
} "Coming right at ya."
}
} <ducks from two huge books>
} One of these days, Lisa, one of these days.. BAM!  POW!  To
} alpha-century 2!
}
} Now where was I... ah yes, dear supplicant, I was researching more food
} for cpu.  Let's see what we've got here...
}
} Recipe #0:     yacc soup (with 2 sides of buffalo wings, of course)
} Recipe #4:     Pa's cow (it's dead anyway)
} Recipe #36:    alt.breakfast (.lunch.dinner.too)
} Recipe #32767: SUNny delight (wouldn't you like to know what's REALLY
} in it?) Recipe #65546: painted sand-wich (a Silicon Graphics favorite)
} Recipe #88888: spaghetti code (with a viral sauce)
} Recipe #99100: C-food (and sh-fish)
} Recipe #NAN:   Nanosecond Allright Noodles
}
} Well, that's all I can dig up for right now... Lisa and I have some
} cooking of our own to do.......
}
} You owe the Oracle a safer question.


731-03    (9wxh3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and omnipitent Oracle, please tell me why DNS is so messed
> up!?
>
> Your most humble servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey! David N. Swingler is *not* "messed up", as you put it. Just
} because he hasn't been published in the IEEE Transactions on Acoustics,
} Speech, and Signal Processing since January 1989, doesn't mean you can
} start calling him "messed up". His article in that issue, "Line-Array
} Beamforming Using Linear Prediction for Aperture Interpolation and
} Extraploation" was a highly insightful article.
}
} Just because he happens to be persuing other interests right now, you
} call him "messed up". Well, I won't stand for it, and... eh?
}
} You're not talking about him? Oh, you must mean D. N. Streeter. Well,
} just because he hasn't been published in the IBM Systems Journal since
} 1973, you... Not him either?
}
} Well, D. N. Serpanos has been active since his PhD in 1990, and... no?
}
} D. N. Shanbahg? D. N. Sherman? D. N. Sparks? D. N. Spinelli?
}
} Oh, forget it. I could sit here and try to work out the question you
} meant to ask, but I need to get back to work on our Domain Name System.
}
} You owe the Oracle an IBM, a BLT, and other TLA's.


731-04    (5gqvg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that whenever a question that requires some thought deeper
> than something just below eyebrow level is put to the Oracle, the Wise
> and Pompous One replies with inane bluster. May I ask again, <Why is a
> mouse when it spins?> You may consult others if this is too difficult
> for you. There is a correct answer, as you well know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This can be explained by studying the following excerpt from "The
} Usenet Oracle's Guide for Slow Supplicants":
}
} Volume VI, Section 12, Chapter 412: Translating Zen-like Oracular
} Responses Into Supplicantese:
}
} Often when you ask the Oracle what you think is a difficult question,
} you will get back what seems to be a nonsensical answer. This "insane
} bluster," as it is sometime called, contains not only the answer to
} your question, but also a veritable cornucopia of knowledge--if you
} know how to extract it. Your relatively feeble supplicant brain may not
} be capable of such extraction, so here are translations of the most
} common Oracular "blusterings":
}
} 1. When you ask...
}    "What is the exact value of Pi?"
}
} ...and the Oracle replies...
}    "ITZ SOMETHING U EAT U ST00PID F00L! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!"
}
} ...the Oracle really means...
}    "In base 10, the value of Pi is as follows:
}    3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510
}    58209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679
}    82148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128..."
}    Of course, the real-world limitations of your email software
}    make it impossible for me to communicate to you, at best,
}    the next several million decimal places, but you can compute
}    them yourself. BTW, there's a dollar underneath the cushion
}    on the chair you're sitting on."
}
} 2. When you ask...
}    "What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?"
}
} ...and the Oracle replies...
}    "UH, IZ THAT LIKE WHEN SUPERMAN WAS FIGHTING THE BLOB?THAT WAS
}    KEWL."
}
} ...the Oracle really means...
}    "The situation is a paradox, and is thus incapable of existing
}    or of being resolved. By definition, a universe that contains an
}    irresistible force can contain no immovable objects, and vice versa.
}    BTW, you left the lights on in your car. If you don't turn them off,
}    the battery will go dead in 35 minutes."
}
} 3. When you ask...
}    "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could
}    chuck wood?"
}
} ...and the Oracle replies...
}    *ZOT!*
}
} ...the Oracle really means...
}    "A woodchuck could chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck,
}    if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Also, FYI, next week's winning
}    lottery numbers are 8 15 17 36 22 25."
}
} As to your question "Why is a mouse when it spins?" the answer is
} obvious:
}
}         BECAUSE IT AIN'T A TRACKBALL, D00D!
}
} The translation is left as an exercise to the reader.


731-05    (aemAc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wonderful,wise, wild and wooley wombat, please give me the benefit of
> your sagacity by guiding me in this one simple endeavor....
>
> How can I find out stuff about the Undernet without checking my
> boyfriend's underwear labels for info?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How I enjoy being equated to a hairy, wild, Austrailian marsupial. Good
} groveling.
}
} Contrary to any other information you may have received, the label on
} your boyfriend's underwear does *not* contain all you need to know
} about the inscrutible Undernet. I know this for a fact. If pressed, I
} think your boyfriend would admit this (it is always a good idea to
} press your boyfriend at least three times a week --- it keeps the
} wrinkles away much longer).
}
} No, the label on your boyfriend's underwear contains a minimal amount
} of information about the Undernet. The information it does contain is
} almost a matter of common knowledge. Many people already know that the
} Undernet is 100% combed cotton, that you can wash it, you can wear it,
} and of course tumble it.
}
} The Undernet was created, almost haphazardly over 20 years ago, when
} high-ranking US military intellectuals were sitting around eating jumbo
} shrimp, dipped in sweet and sour sauce. The talk drifted, as it does
} with such thinkers, to what would happen if: 1)  there were a really
} big war 2) certain key Southern States were occupied or blockaded 3)
} the nation's cotton supply was imperiled and 4) as a result, American
} men would have to fight a war, on their own soil, with NO UNDERWEAR ON.
} A computer simulation was run, first of men fighting without
} underwear, then with men fighting without cotton socks OR underwear,
} and then, of course, just to be thorough, of men running around with
} rifles, in formation, completely naked. It was disasterous. Generals
} who had seemed very imposing with their uniforms on, seemed, well, not
} very imposing, and certain buck privates with IQ's of 83 seemed quite
} imposing indeed.  Unit cohesion (that certain something that makes all
} the guys in a unit want to face enemies together, bunk together, drink
} beer together and slide around in the mud together) was destroyed in
} simulation..
}
} The perceived disadvantage was based on an exagerrated simulation and
} was totally psychological,  but the effect on the frightened Chiefs of
} Staff was devastaing.  And so the idea of idea of the Undernet was
} created. The military had envisioned a day when millions of Americans
} would have personal computers at home. (In fact they hoped for such a
} day, so they could keep what they called Pretty Good Tabs  [PGT] on
} everyone, by pulsing through the modem, onto your hard disk and into
} your home).
}
} Anyway, this group dipped into the public purse and came up with a
} scheme called the Undernet where every personal computer would be
} outfitted by the manufacturer with  179 grams of combed cotton,
} installed on each hard drive and so tightly compressed that it is
} invisible to the human eye. Motherboards were (and are) outfitted with
} tiny looms  disguised as chips, processors and so forth. In wartime,
} each personal computer will shoot out a stream of combed cotton from
} the hardrive, through the RAM (to pick up the latest patterns), through
} the tiny looms and out of those slots supposedly placed on computers so
} they can "breathe" . The average computer will produce four Men's
} Boxers shorts (or  4 MB --modern computers can produced 8MB and are
} expandable to over a hundred MB).  All thanks to the Undernet.  Of
} course, there are problems. Putting even a microscopic amount of cotton
} on a hard drive causes glitches and is wholly responsible for each and
} every error message you have ever received.
}
} And "Notebook" computers can only shoot out one pair of purple silk
} bikini underwear size 28.
}
} You've asked. I've told. Don't tell. You owe the Oracle your support.


731-06    (hfjoj dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, alharrow and magficious Oracle whos greatness is so lodivious that
> real words can't express it:
>
> I recently found myself standing in a clearing. A pine forest lay to
> the east, and to the west was a rustic log cabin that smelled faintly
> of oregano. North lay a narrow river with a leaky kayak. My backpack
> was growing heavy and I hadn't the energy to travel much farther. So I
> stopped, sat on a log and asked myself "Is your answer going to be
> another one of those long-winded adventure game answers?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know how to "recently".


731-07    (djlqf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                   On the behalf of the entire lab-staff.
> I do need an answer! Master of Hyperbrains, Lord of Ethics, King of
> Herrings I know this guy, who laughs like Beavis AND Buthead (imagine
> that) all day long (IMAGINE THAT). Tell me: Is it possible to surgical
> remove specific parts of his brain with a blunt scalpel while he sleeps
> ... and which parts ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh, this is Butthead.  I'm, like, answering the Oracle's mail while he
} takes a dump or something.  I think he, like....
}
} (Heh, heh, you said "dump".  That was cool.)
}
} SHUT UP, Beavis.  I think he, like, ate some bad nachos or something.
} He was spewing rainbow chunks about five minutes ago.  It was cool.
}
} (No it wasn't.  It sucked.)
}
} SHUT UP, assmunch.  It was cool.  The Oracle said it sucked, but it
} was cool.  So, you wanna, like, take out this guy's brain, huh?  That
} would be cool.  Yeah.
}
} (Heh, heh, yeah, that would make a cool video.)
}
} Well, first of all, a blunt scalpel is, like, the wrong kinda tool.
} You really need...
}
} (Heh, heh, you said "tool".  That was cool.)
}
} SHUT UP, Beavis.  Anyway, you really need a chainsaw or something.
} Lotsa blood.  That'd be cool.  So, you just, like, cut off the top of
} his head and then scoop out his brain while it's still moving.
}
} (Brains don't move, Butthead.)
}
} Bite me.  Yes they do, I saw it in a movie or something.  So, anyway,
} you fill his head up with, like,....
}
} (Butthead...)
}
} SHUT UP, Beavis.  You fill his head...
}
} (Butthead...)
}
} SHUT UP, Beavis.  You fill his...
}
} (BUTTHEAD!!!  Here comes the Oracle.)
}
} Uh oh.  This is really gonna suck.....
}
} *ZOT*


731-08    (59gnF dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most masterly, magnificent, and musical, I have a
> theory that when Gilbert and Sullivan wrote "I am the very
> model of a modern major-general", they actually had you in
> mind.  Of course, G&S are long dead, so you're the only one
> left who still knows.
>
> So, Oracle, are you the very model of a modern major-general?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the very model of a modern Major General
} I've information vegetable, animal and mineral
} I know the Kings of England and the fights astronomical
} From Marathon to Waterloo and all the categorical
}
} I am expert in all the matters mathematical
} I can solve equations both simple and quadratical
} Of Pythagorean Theory the facts Queen Victoria was amuse
} With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
}
} I am the very model of a modern Major General
} I rent my own apartment and it's full of things electronical
} I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP
} I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III
}
} I'm very well aquainted too with matter pornographical
} I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national
} So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nicole Smith
} I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF
}
} I'm total an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck
} Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque
} In short if you need answers to that concern your life financial
} I am the very model of a modern Major General
}
} I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick
} I hack into computers and I then perform a credit check
} I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker thievery
} And even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me
}
} I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell
} I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL?
} I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all
}   suck!"
} I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck
}
} I've hung around the alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats
} I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats
} In short, if you need answers that concern your things electronical
} I am the very model of a modern Major General
}
} Well postings like MAKE.MONEY.FAST, I am now somewhat wary at,
} I have been Global Killfiled by the Joel Furr Commissariat
} When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true
} I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue
}
} When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet
} When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette
} In short when I can have a world wide soapbox on which I can stand
} I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
}
} My like outside the Internet is very very sad you see
} I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy
} But still if you need answers to the questions you find quizzical
} I am the very model of a modern Major General
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to the next Broadway G&S production.


731-09    (eqmma dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, great and wise Oracle, who is one with everything and
> everything with a pizza on it, can you please tell me OH MY GOD SPIDERS
> GET THEM OFF GET THEM OFF HELP MEEEEEEEEE

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant! [slap!],supplicant [slap, slap, slap!], it's moi,
} the Oracle -- that psychic soothsayer of cyberspace. You're in the
} temple now [shakes shoulders of supplicant with appendages similar in
} function and effect to human arms]. No, there *are* no spiders on you
} (at least not any that can kill you) -- you're in the temple.  See,
} look around you -- look at the floor. See the rare cobalt blue tiles
} edged in pure gold? Look up. See the sepia-toned image of my contact
} with the first supplicant? What a powerful image  --and I lived it!
} Look over there.  See the enormous stained-glass-like window, with my
} image portrayed in four dimensions, through the innovative combination
} of  ancient artistry, fractals, holographic techniques, stereograms,
} flip cards, prisms and the "spraycan" feature of the Paintbrush utility
} from Windows 3.1?  Incredible isn't. Almost makes you feel like you
} have all the answers doesn't it,  which is, of course, impossible --
} after all you're full of questions, not answers! [Oracle reels back
} and guffaws at own joke.  Echoes rebound and reverberate, repeating
} "full of questions, not answers" 37 times].
}
} There, there. Stop convulsing for a moment and appreciate the
} wonderment around you [sweep of appendage similar in function and
} effect to human hand].  Hear the choir sing paens to my wisdom, and
} psalms to all the sooths that I say. The choir is appendage-similar-to
} -a-human-hand-picked by moi-meme (I anticipate your question supplicant
} before you even ask it --"moi-meme" is French  "for myself").
} Each choir member is a youthful human male who is precisely  5 days
} from the voice change typical of the male of that species. They are at
} peak command of their "soprano" voices, with the boldness that builds
} within them from certain internal chemical changes I don't have time
} to explain.  Fan me, Beauregard [Beauregard, personal assistant to
} the Oracle, fans Oracle].
}
} Could there be spiders on you in such a place? [Oracle picks and flicks
} small orangish spider from hair of Supplicant before Supplicant can
} perceive the peril].
}
} [Oracle picks supplicant up, and dusts supplicant off. Spiders go
} flying in 47 directions.] Beauregard, provision this supplicant
} with new raiments....and a beverage. Yes, a beverage. Give this
} supplicant a mixture of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.
} [Beauregard produces beverage in a vessel]. Nothing but the best,
} for a frightened supplicant who has turned to the Oracle for succor.
} Beauregard,  take the supplicant up behind the choir loft and give
} succor to this supplicant immediately [Beauregard grabs supplicant
} by collar, dragging struggling supplicant along the tile floor].
}
} [Oracle calls out to supplicant who is kicking, and screaming louder
} than ever]. Now, I don't ever want to have come pull you out of
} alt.paranoia.arachnids again!
}
} [Oracle raises appendages similar in function and effect to human
} arms and hands in the air,  brings them together in a triumphant
} gesture as the choir swells to a screaming crescendo at his command].
}
} [Oracle booms out to receding supplicant] Oh, yeah -- you owe me one
} night flat on your back, brush in hand, refreshing my frescos.


731-10    (8evtc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle please tell me why women cannot wear white shoes until
> after Memorial Day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as I'm sure you already know, this is an American
} tradition, as other countries don't celebrate Memorial
} Day.  But this is coincidental; even in Europe, ladies
} do not wear white shoes until summer.
}
} It's all a matter of lighting and optics.  Long ago,
} physicists observed that there's a certain angle (they
} call it the critical angle) at which reflections change.
} You've probably noticed this when you're in a swimming
} pool, underwater and looking upward.
}
} Well the same physicists, naughty men that they were,
} noticed that nicely polished white ladies' shoes made a
} wonderful mirror, which enabled them to surreptitiously
} look up the ladies' dresses.  However, when the sun
} reached the critical angle in the sky, the glare from
} the sun would make this method of peeping impossible.
} Of course, word got around, and the ladies soon learned
} not to wear white shoes until the sun was at the
} critical angle.
}
} Nowadays, when many women wear trousers instead of
} skirts, and when they all wear underwear anyway, the
} need for this distinction is largely lost.  However,
} it has continued as a fashion, in the name of
} tradition.
}
} The sun reaches the critical angle half-way between the
} equinox and the solstice.  Memorial day is just about
} right, so that's what's customarily used as a reference
} in America.
}
} Of course, this doesn't apply to shoes which are not
} polished, so white tennis shoes are perfectly OK at
} any time of the year.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of polished white shoes for
} Lisa.  She wears size 10B.


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