} How I enjoy being equated to a hairy, wild, Austrailian marsupial. Good
} Contrary to any other information you may have received, the label on
} your boyfriend's underwear does *not* contain all you need to know
} about the inscrutible Undernet. I know this for a fact. If pressed, I
} think your boyfriend would admit this (it is always a good idea to
} press your boyfriend at least three times a week --- it keeps the
} wrinkles away much longer).
} No, the label on your boyfriend's underwear contains a minimal amount
} of information about the Undernet. The information it does contain is
} almost a matter of common knowledge. Many people already know that the
} Undernet is 100% combed cotton, that you can wash it, you can wear it,
} and of course tumble it.
} The Undernet was created, almost haphazardly over 20 years ago, when
} high-ranking US military intellectuals were sitting around eating jumbo
} shrimp, dipped in sweet and sour sauce. The talk drifted, as it does
} with such thinkers, to what would happen if: 1) there were a really
} big war 2) certain key Southern States were occupied or blockaded 3)
} the nation's cotton supply was imperiled and 4) as a result, American
} men would have to fight a war, on their own soil, with NO UNDERWEAR ON.
} A computer simulation was run, first of men fighting without
} underwear, then with men fighting without cotton socks OR underwear,
} and then, of course, just to be thorough, of men running around with
} rifles, in formation, completely naked. It was disasterous. Generals
} who had seemed very imposing with their uniforms on, seemed, well, not
} very imposing, and certain buck privates with IQ's of 83 seemed quite
} imposing indeed. Unit cohesion (that certain something that makes all
} the guys in a unit want to face enemies together, bunk together, drink
} beer together and slide around in the mud together) was destroyed in
} The perceived disadvantage was based on an exagerrated simulation and
} was totally psychological, but the effect on the frightened Chiefs of
} Staff was devastaing. And so the idea of idea of the Undernet was
} created. The military had envisioned a day when millions of Americans
} would have personal computers at home. (In fact they hoped for such a
} day, so they could keep what they called Pretty Good Tabs [PGT] on
} everyone, by pulsing through the modem, onto your hard disk and into
} your home).
} Anyway, this group dipped into the public purse and came up with a
} scheme called the Undernet where every personal computer would be
} outfitted by the manufacturer with 179 grams of combed cotton,
} installed on each hard drive and so tightly compressed that it is
} invisible to the human eye. Motherboards were (and are) outfitted with
} tiny looms disguised as chips, processors and so forth. In wartime,
} each personal computer will shoot out a stream of combed cotton from
} the hardrive, through the RAM (to pick up the latest patterns), through
} the tiny looms and out of those slots supposedly placed on computers so
} they can "breathe" . The average computer will produce four Men's
} Boxers shorts (or 4 MB --modern computers can produced 8MB and are
} expandable to over a hundred MB). All thanks to the Undernet. Of
} course, there are problems. Putting even a microscopic amount of cotton
} on a hard drive causes glitches and is wholly responsible for each and
} every error message you have ever received.
} And "Notebook" computers can only shoot out one pair of purple silk
} bikini underwear size 28.
} You've asked. I've told. Don't tell. You owe the Oracle your support.