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Internet Oracularities #732

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732, 732-01, 732-02, 732-03, 732-04, 732-05, 732-06, 732-07, 732-08, 732-09, 732-10


Usenet Oracularities #732    (91 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 10:26:08 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   732
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

732   91 votes 9nAg7 duqg6 0lzs7 9klqf 7grva 4essh 3hApa 8orq6 7lnnh 3cmzj
732   3.2 mean  2.9   2.7   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.4   3.2   3.0   3.2   3.6


732-01    (9nAg7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of leaf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on your point of view.
}
} To a caterpillar, it's home.
} To a rabbit, it's dinner.
} To a fly, it's umbrella.
} To a deer, it's snack.
} To a dog, it's emetic.
}
} You owe the Oracle a salad.


732-02    (duqg6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and wondrous Oracle, whose knowledge of Usenet, and for that
> matter, of all things, is unsurpassed, please tell me:
>
> What is the point of alt.fan.warlord?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: Ancient Japan. Two Samuris are on IRC.
}
} Sam1: You know, we should make a Usenet group for our warlord.
} Sam2: Yes, I think that would bring him much honor.
} BInky: HEY WHERE ARE ALL THE CHICKS?!?!?!? IRC IS KEWL.
} Sam1: Sigh...
}
} Thus was born alt.fan.warlords. Also of note, a someone nicknamed
} 'Binky' met a rather untimely demise.
}
} You owe the Oracle the word 'cool' spelled correctly 100 times.


732-03    (0lzs7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise one who knows almost everything, I humble myself before
> your great and powerful being in search of an answer to a question
> that has puzzled me for many sleepless nights.  I beg that you give
> just and fair consideration to this question that has perplexed me for
> so long.
>
> The question that I pose to you, in hopes that the wisdom of the
> Oracle might be shared with someone as meek as me is, "Why, when I get
> into the checkout line at the supermarket, do I always end up behind
> some idiot who suddenly remembers that they want some completely
> unnecessary item (such as pickled onions) just as their last item is
> being scanned by the little glass thingamajig with the red lights, and
> who then spends what seems like hours running around the store while
> all the other courteous people and I are forced to wait for this
> imbecile"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The imbeciles are actually planted there for the express
} purpose of annoying you.  They have been hired by rival
} grocery stores, who hope to gain more customers by offering
} faster checkout lines.
}
} Of course, your grocery store does the same thing to its
} rivals, so the net effect is that no customers switch to
} the other store, and all the checkout lines slow down.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dry martini.  With a pickled onion.


732-04    (9klqf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who is more sagacious than Carl Sagan
> Please tell me:
>
> What should I do after I graduate?
>
> end
> quit
> exit

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take a year off and learn how to use your mailer.


732-05    (7grva dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: [Suddenly startled awake from a deep sleep] Huh? What was
} that?  I heard something...
}
} Lisa: [slowly waking up] You _can't_ hear anything.  You haven't
} created the Universe yet.  There's nothing to make a sound.
} Space doesn't even exist yet.  Go back to sleep.
}
} Oracle: What time is it?
}
} Lisa: Time doesn't exist yet, either, Orrie.
}
} Oracle: [much later] I can't get back to sleep.  I'm going
} downstairs for a sandwich. [stumbling around in the dark] Ouch!
}
} Lisa: What's wrong, Orrie?
}
} Oracle: I kicked something.  Hurt my toe.
}
} Lisa: Come back to bed.
}
} Meanwhile, completely unknown to Lisa or Oracle, a previously
} unknown phenomenon had begun.  Huge amounts of matter and energy
} burst forth from the point where the Oracle's toe had hit the
} floor.  The bright flash created space and time as we know them
} today.  For 23 billion years the cosmic dust swirled, fused,
} coalesced, cooled, and expanded. Then one day, from an
} insignificant planet orbiting an insignificant star in an
} insignificant galaxy, The Oracle received this message:
}
} >
}
} Oracle: There! You can't tell me you didn't hear _that_!
}
} Lisa: [sleeping] Hmm?
}
} You owe the Oracle Dr. Seuss's book "Horton Hears A Who"
}
} [or email to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with "help" in the Subject:
} line.]


732-06    (4essh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How should i do to run X-Windows? I use an Amiga 1200 with NComm to
> call up a UNIX-System. Which settings should I use? I just tells me
> "Can't open display"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, if people would just bother to *read* the perfectly clear
} program messages they're given, my job would be a lot easier. Your
} operating system is telling you that you have a "cant-open display"
} -- that is, a display which is opened through the use of cant (i.e.
} jargon or incantations). Now, depending on how your system is
} configured (Consult your manual!), the appropriate cant may be any of
} the following:
}
}      Open sesame.
}
}      Abracadabra.
}
}      Hocus pocus.
}
}      Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso.
}
} When you have found the correct cant, say it into your computer screen
} in a resonant, stentorian voice. If it doesn't work, you may not be
} saying it loud enough -- raise your voice somewhat. Keep trying until
} the display opens.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the _Critique of Pure Reason_.


732-07    (3hApa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My grandfather has a glass eye and due to an infection he has to remove
> the eye every night and soak it in a medicated solution. Last night he
> inadvertently dropped his eye into a glass of Coca-Cola. This morning
> we found that the eye had partially disintegrated. Tell me Oracle, how
> is this possible? And is it still o.k. to drink that glass of Coke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear.  Another scheduling mixup.  The Universal Planning Committee
} will be quite upset.
}
} This event was supposed to occur last night on the small world of
} P'phlurk, in sector XLE446-J.  It was to be the Last Great Sign of the
} Nninge Prophets, the Sign of the beginning of the Pilgrimage of Doom.
} This morning, all of the followers of Nninge (about four billion of
} them ... Nninge is quite popular) should have heard about the Sign,
} climbed aboard their ritually-blessed spaceships, and hurled themselves
} into their sun to show their love for Nninge.
}
} Since the UPC mixed things up again and sent the Sign to you instead of
} them, I'm afraid that the whole planetful of people will have to
} continue to live happy and fruitful lives, and Nninge is going to be
} pissed.
}
} As for your grandfather, he can patch up the eye with some epoxy and
} wear it again, but if he shows any signs of hijacking a NASA shuttle
} and piloting it into the sun, you may want to take the eye away again
} and make him wear a patch.
}
} As for you, supplicant, you did not provide so much as a rudimentary
}  grovel. Your punishment will be to drink the glass of Coke.
}
} So speaks the Oracle.


732-08    (8orq6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> I must confess--I have a secret obsession.  I send you questions in
> which I pretend to be the Queen of England.  Now it's taking up all my
> time.  What should I do?
>
> Sincerely Yours,
>   HRH Phillip
>   Duke of Edinborough

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As usual, the answer to your problem is simple. First, murder all your
} relatives who are ahead of you in line to the throne (Alec Guinness
} should be your role model here). Then wait until Her Majesty is under
} stress, go in to see her (you're her heir, you can get it) and explain
} that you're about to fly over to Belgium for a sex-change operation.
} She'll drop dead of a heart attack, brought on by the shock of the
} revelation after she's had to bury so many people she loves. But don't
} buy that plane ticket just yet, you won't be needing it: after you're
} crowned, I'll give you a special directed genital ZOT and do it free,
} since you forgot to grovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Crown Jewels.


732-09    (7lnnh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are a veritable cornucopia of luciferous sagacity and a
> splendid deipnosophist. Would you please enlighten me regarding my
> cohabitant's failure to comprehend my mealtime conversation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Safe prandial intercourse: Use a condiment.


732-10    (3cmzj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O Mighty Oracle, who is miles above the petty squabbles of mankind
> yet takes such great pleasure in ZOTting the ignorant, who can stop the
> most powerful combat vehicles with the force of his saliva alone,
> please answer this humble supplicant's query.
>
>   My roommate and I are embroiled in a bitter battle for territory.
> I've conquered all one and a half of the bathrooms, but he's entrenched
> in the kitchen.  It seems to have turned into a waiting game, and the
> first person unable to abstain from one side of the digestive cycle is
> going to lose.
>
>   Please tell me, Mighty Oracle, what tactics should I use to conquer
> the entire house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hee hee!  Nice groveling.  Although I don't really zot
} the ignorant; they can't really help themselves.  Rather,
} I zot the malevolent ones who *know* they're trying to
} get my goat by asking the WCQ.
}
} But anyway, you have the start of a sound military
} strategy.  You need to acquire a source of food, as you
} mention, but that's really your only major shortage.
} Your next conquest should be the telephone.  Your
} roommate may think this is simply a diversion, but he'll
} find out that he's wrong when you call out and order
} pizza.
}
} In the meantime, you can hang on by eating toilet paper.
} It can be flavored with a little toothpaste to make it
} more palatable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mint pizza with fluoride.


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