[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:57:05 GMT

Internet Oracularities #734

Goto:
734, 734-01, 734-02, 734-03, 734-04, 734-05, 734-06, 734-07, 734-08, 734-09, 734-10


Usenet Oracularities #734    (109 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 08:48:07 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   734
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

734  109 votes cuAp6 eQub2 9lCre 7iDwd Hyka2 ahwyg 8mtvj avMf5 2dvwv 7sKp3
734   3.0 mean  2.8   2.4   3.1   3.2   2.0   3.3   3.3   2.8   3.7   2.9


734-01    (cuAp6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the answer is blowin' in the wind, what was the question ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you listen closely, you can hear that there are actually three
} questions asked:
}
}      How many songs must a songwriter write, before he will write one
}           that's good?
}      Yes, 'n' how much must his elocution improve, before he can be
}         understood?
}      Yes, 'n' how many questions can one singer ask, and not mention
}         woodchucks or wood?
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of Bob Dylan's early work on the old series
} _Gunsmoke_.


734-02    (eQub2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it that makes people go coocoo for coco puffs? I've had them
> plenty of times, and yet I have yet to go through the rough screaming
> "I'm coocoo for coco puffs!!!!!!!!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you may be doing something wrong.  From observations, I can see
} that you still insist on dressing, then eating.
}
} Not many supplicants admit to this, but then again, I know everything
} and many do this only while they are still single and living alone.  It
} is a very convenient way to get ready in the morning and it is just
} plain fun.
}
} First thing in the morning is not a great time for fashion worries and
} what better way to enjoy breakfast than in the rough.  No worries about
} staining your clothing, no problems with accidentally dipping a sleeve
} or tie into the milk.  And if you do make a mess of yourself, the
} bathroom it's only a short walk away.
}
} In order to do this properly, you must ensure that you do *not* get
} dressed. Once that is [not] done, continue with your morning endeavors
} up to the breakfast moment.  Eat your cereal, confident in the
} knowledge that you will not ruin your favorite suit or dress as you
} slop down the soggy ceral. Once done, you can - in the rough - joyously
} scream, "I'm coocoo for coco puffs," as you dive into the shower.
}
} You owe the Oracle a scoop of raisins.  Two of them.


734-03    (9lCre dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will simon ask me out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, unfortunately, Simon will just sit there silently at the back of
} your closet, his red, yellow, blue, and green lights dark since you put
} him there in 1983, his batteries leaking acid all over your Monopoly
} game (missing several houses, about $8,000, the Illinois Avenue title
} deed, and the metal shoe that you think the dog might have eaten but
} you can't be sure).
}
} You owe the Oracle a ride on the Reading.


734-04    (7iDwd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, before whom I have every intention of abasing myself as
> soon as I limber up a little this spring, tell me: do the people who
> say they believe in astrology really believe in astrology, or are they
> just kidding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget about astrology, who really believes in ASTRONOMY? I mean, MAYBE
} you can believe that the universe (that's EVERYTHING you can think of,
} and more) was once the size of an atom, but some of the other stuff, I
} mean c'mon!  How gullible do they think we are?
}
} Like that you-can't-go-faster-than-the-speed-of-light stuff. Please. If
} you're travelling at the speed of light, JUST GO FASTER. It's not hard.
} And what about those black holes? They're like, "Oh, there's these huge
} cool things called black holes!" "Well, show us one!" "Uh, we can't
} because, uh, no light can travel out of them, yeah, that's it!"
} Suuuure.
}
} And every time they give a number it's always "This star is 100 billion
} miles away" "This galaxy is 2000 billion trillion miles away." You KNOW
} they're just making those numbers up.
}
} Of course, as an omniscient being, I know what's REALLY out there, so I
} should consider all this funny. But everyone ACTUALLY BELIEVES it! And
} the astronomers don't give any evidence for what they say--oh sure,
} they'll show some fuzzy picture of a star and say, "oh, look a quasar!"
} and everyone says "oh, yes, I SEE it!" What a joke. You should see
} astronomers when they get together. They laugh and laugh!
}
} Oh, I guess I haven't actually answered your question. Well, don't
} worry.  I just read your horoscope and it says "All questions will be
} answered soon."
}
} You owe the Oracle billions and billions of grovels.


734-05    (Hyka2 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you for reminding me.  I'm so stupid I'd never have remembered
> it myself.
>
> I had intended to ask you a question using the famous Morris Code I've
> heard about.  I think that radio hams use it when they are doing
> illegal computer hacking or something.  Before I can use the Morris
> code, I'll have to learn it.  Can you help me?  And who is this Morris
> chap, anyways?  Isn't he the one that got caught?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Morris? Why, he's the bloody cat!!
}
} You owe the oracle some kitty litter. Yeah, he got caught! peeing on
} the rug!


734-06    (ahwyg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i have roaches in my apartment. is it possible one of these roaches is
> possessed by the spirit of franz kafka? one has a peculiar liking, as a
> resting spot, my copy of 'the trial'.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle spent some time tracking down Kafka, and eventually found
} him in a gay bar in the afterlife:
}
}   ORACLE: So, anyway about this cockroach...
}
}   KAFKA: Again with the f*cking cockroaches! I'm sorry I ever wrote
}   that damn story! It's the only one anyone knows; they put it in the
}   textbooks, you know, and all these kids have to read it in high
}   school.
}
}   O: I liked the one about the lawyer...
}
}   K: No one reads them. Always 'Metamorphosis'. I write one story with
}   a cockroach, and I'm branded for all eternity. Cockroaches!
}
}   MICHAELANGELO: I feel the same way about that damned ceiling. I only
}   took the job to get the bills paid off. Now the damn church is using
}   it to drag pennies out of the pockets of tourists.
}
}   PLATO: Same with my books. They've entirely forgotten my whole
}   career...
}
}   DaVINCI: What career? You were a wrestler.
}
}   P: (into his beer) I was a _good_ wrestler...
}
}   K: So anyway, how did you find me here?
}
}   O: I'm omniscient.
}
}   M: If you're omniscient, then you can tell me who that cute thing
}   that just came in the door is.
}
}   O: That's Ganymede, from the Olympus crowd. Hey, Ganymede, over here!
}
}   GANYMEDE: Oracle! What a surprise! Have you heard the latest about
}   Apollo?
}
}   O: No, what's the dish?
}
}   G: Buy us a drink and I'll tell you...
}
} Anyway. So it looks like your answer is no, your cockroach is not
} inhabited by the spirit of Franz Kafka. I suspect that the jelly you
} spilled while studying for your midterm would provide a clearer answer
} to the riddle of your roach's behavior.
}
} You owe the Oracle another week added to Lisa's visit to her mother.


734-07    (8mtvj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why does little orphan annie not have any pupils in the comic strip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's not certified to teach.


734-08    (avMf5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do i check the stats for the central hockey league for the '94
> season...specifically the flames...i am able to get in...but it will
> not provide me with the info...thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah -- another fan of central hockey! It's so much more exciting than
} regular hockey, don't you think? I mean, a game played on a flat
} rectangular sheet of ice, with two boring old nets as goals, can't
} match the excitement of seeing a bunch of skaters zooming around
} on the funnel-shaped central hockey field, trying desperately to
} avoid falling into the big goal-hole in the center.
}
} Anyway, the stats from the '94 season are still not available, since
} they are still trying to determine exactly how many players ended
} up in Lake Ontario in the big Montreal-Toronto Outdoor Cup competition.
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to a Major League Pentagonal Baseball
} game.


734-09    (2dvwv dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where can I find freeware on the internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A good question, my (noteably grovel-less) supplicant.  It gives me the
} opportunity to provide the community at large with the Oracle's
} Official List of Where the 'Ware is on the Internet. The list has been
} htmlized for your convenience, since the net _is_ the next wave.  If
} this is news to you, then you'll definitely need some clueware,
} available via anonymous ftp from participating stores near you.
}
} I'll begin the list with the answer to your question, but strongly
} suggest that you, my dear supplicant, access the _last_ address pretty
} darn quickly to avoid an unwelcome (but free) Zotware E-mail from yours
} truly.
}
} freeware      http://mooch.leach.com/help/yourself/getthis.html
}
} shareware     http://peoples.programing.co-op/bin/marx
}          *or* http://swingnet.com/husbands or /wives
}           (depending on what you want to share)
}
} software      http:/Sta-Puft.com/marshmallow/man/
}
} hardware      http:/true.value.corp/nuts/bolts/
}
} suppleware    http://gucci.gucci.goo/morethan/u.canafford
}
} warfare       http://desert.storm.mil/we/want/more
}          *or* http://aol.com/local/milita/yahoo
}
} vaporware     http://united.states.gov/policy.html
}
} delaware      http://maryland.gov/go-east
}
} wolfwere      http://genlab.jhopkins.edu/project/lycanthropy/
}
} underware     http://loom.com/fruit/
}
} outerware     http://bean_ll.com/catalog.html
}         *Not to be confused with:*
} hoodware      http://cool-j_ll.com/yo.html
}
} someware      http://oz.com/over/rainbow
}
} everyware     http://*
}          WARNING: Don't try this on your own system.
}
} anyware       http://kiwi.net.nz/defunct/language/clearingouse.html
}
} noware        http://yellow.submarine.uk/noware/land.html
}
} whereware     http://heisenberg.mplanck.ge/where.html
}         *as opposed to*
} speedware     http://heisenberg.mplanck.ge/howfast.html
}          WARNING: You can't acess these two sites at the same time
}
} warefor       http://whatnot.gov/boundless/beaurocracy
}
} oracleware    http://cs.indiana.edu/grovel.html
}
} You owe a 1 Meg inlined portait of the Oracle, to be distributed
} freely.


734-10    (7sKp3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle who is smarter than the average bear please tell
> me....
>
> Why c-c-an't we just all g-g-et along?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Generally speaking, you are all getting along just fine.  Given:
}   a: The rotation of the Earth (your planet),
}   b: The movement of the Earth around Sol (your sun),
}   c: The movement of Sol around the Milky Way (your galaxy),
}   d: The movement of the Milky Way around your universe, and
}   e: The rotation of your universe around me,
}
} all humans are moving at an absolute speed of several hundred miles
} per second.  If that is not getting along, what is?
}
} You owe me a picnic basket.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org