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Internet Oracularities #735

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735, 735-01, 735-02, 735-03, 735-04, 735-05, 735-06, 735-07, 735-08, 735-09, 735-10


Usenet Oracularities #735    (86 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 21 May 1995 08:36:11 -0500

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   735
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

735   86 votes 9xqe4 7Crb3 5eBl9 2dnzd 57ooq 5osja 55quk 7akvi cgmnd 7evjf
735   3.2 mean  2.7   2.6   3.2   3.5   3.7   3.1   3.6   3.5   3.1   3.2


735-01    (9xqe4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who knows where the yellow went when you brushed your teeth
> with Pepsodent, please tell me:
>
> If you drive a car at the speed of light with the headlamps on, and the
> headlamps went out, would this be a violation of General Relativity,
> stating as it does that a body does not have a speed as such but only
> with reference to some external event, and one cannot therefore measure
> the speed of a body simply by, say, the reflectivity of light from a
> known distance? If so, is it worth trying?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In answer to your question, the theory of General Relativity states
} that objects seek their futures in states of "lower" temporal energy,
} large gravitational fields (such as an automobile travelling at the
} speed of light) having very "low" energy in this respect, objects
} (such as yourself) are likely to be attracted towards it. Meaning
} that if anything is ever likely to occur, it will.
}
} Three things would tend to happen if you attempted to drive
} your own car at the speed of light:
}     1) Engine knock would become intolerable
}     2) The leads from the distributor to the spark plugs would burn
}         out
}     3) You would most probably cease to exist


735-02    (7Crb3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh most wise and seaworthy Oracle(tm), most powerful of the
> powerful, most watertight of those that contain water, most puissant
> of those whose fate it is to own cats, I implore you;  answer me.
>
>       The fate of the Holy Grail of Yachting hangs in the balance in a
> battle of seamanly ritual combat.  I have done all things to all people
> and yet still I am behind. I beseech you to tell me how I may defeat
> the Black Magic used against me.
>                       signed,
>                                       Dennis
>
> P.S.   Is it true that Red Socks give one man the power of ten???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I predict the future. I don't analyse water under the bridge.
}
} Had you consulted me before the event I would have told you straight
} that you were destined, from the beginning of time to be a loser and
} there was nothing you could do about it. Magic Shmagic, you thought
} your opponent had a divine duty to lose and you the divine right to
} win. The gods decided aeons ago that your hubris would have to go
} punished. You were lucky. Poseidon wanted to sink you outright! If you
} feel hard done by ask yourself this. If you'd asked and I'd told would
} you have believed me? Would you have said 'Okay, I'll lower my sights.
} My ambition is now to be a moderately successful and dully respectable
} insurance salesman?'
}
} You'll thank me for this one day. When you do you can send me advice on
} dealing with barnacles without losing time in dry dock. Till then it's
} free!


735-03    (5eBl9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, you all mighty etc. etc.,
> I have a question whose answer I need,
> for I'm really interested in it
> and I think knowing it would be neat:
>
> So tell me why the rising bubbles in a glass of champagne
> always originate at the very bottom of the glass,
> (if that's not much pain
> for you to answer, alas!)
>
> Kate
> the Great

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When champagne is in the bottle
} It is highly pressurized;
} When you open it, it's not, al-
} As. (I doubt that you're surprised.)
}
} The fluid now contains
} More CO2 than p'rhaps it oughta;
} The question then remains:
} Where will the gas escape the waughta?
}
} The answer: it prefers to leave
} At "nucleation sites",
} And glasses, being glass, you see, 've
} Got scads of 'em, like mites.
}
} And that is why the bubbles form
} In legions at the bottom:
} It's sites -- the gases all adore 'em,
} And they find the glass has got 'em.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.


735-04    (2dnzd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Adam love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since this is a question of love, and it is spring, I will ignore the
} lack of a suitable grovel.  This time.
}
} Adam still isn't aware of his true feelings for you.  He enjoys your
} companionship, but heart has not yet awakened fully to your beauty,
} intelligence, and sincerity.  The flame of love requires a spark, and
} it is up to you to provide that.
}
} A simple gift, nothing expensive or extravagant, showing gentle
} kindness and caring, will be enough to awaken his love for you.  And I
} can think of no better gift for your purposes than this apple.  Go on,
} take it.  Free of charge.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing if you just go ahead and take the apple.
} Really!  Go ahead!


735-05    (57ooq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: CSF <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose shining countenance lets you read at night without
> candles, please tell me: Why does Grandma make such lousy coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first off, you should be using *3* scoops of grandma per pot, not
} 2. Due to her age, she makes rather weak beverage drinks.
}
} Also, the manner in which Grandma was prepared will affect the yeild of
} the coffee-making activities (technically called "sparging", don't
} ask...) If Grandma was naturally sun-dried, outdoors, then much of the
} F(c), or "coffee factor" is retained.  If, however, the drying is done
} electrically, or worse yet, by freeze-drying, much if not most of the
} F(c) is lost.  This must be considered when selecting the amount of
} Grandma to add to your coffee pot.
}
} Further complicating matters is the brewing temperature.  The ideal
} temperature for brewing Grandma coffee is just below 170 degrees (F).
} As the temperature increases, yeild goes up, as more is extracted from
} the ground Grandma, but above 170 degrees (F), the tannic acid which is
} naturally found in Grandma dissolves, giving your coffee a bitter,
} acidic flavor.  I have found 167 degrees to be a good compromise
} between yeild and bitterness, as it's a high enough temperature to get
} decent yeild but is below the solution temperature of the tannic acid.
}
} Yet another factor in the strength of Grandma coffee is the manner in
} which she was ground up.  A finer grind increases the surface area
} available for the grandma molecules to dissolve out of the mixture, but
} this finer grind also can cause filter bypass, leaving you unfiltered
} grandma in the bottom of your coffee cup.  This is something which must
} be learned by individual experience, as it will vary with the type of
} coffee maker you use, the type of filter, and personal preference.  On
} the other hand, too coarse of a grind will allow the water to percolate
} through the ground Grandma too quicly, decreasing both surface area and
} exposure time of the Grandma to the water. This has disastrous effects
} on the yeild, and results in very weak grandma.
}
} The good news here is that you don't need to worry about most of this
} if you just want stronger Grandma coffee, you can just add an extra
} scoop or two. However, if you are interested in acheiving the ultimate
} in Grandma coffee experiences, you would be well advised to consider
} experimentation with the parameters stated above.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 Kilos of Columbian Grandma, and a really good
} thermometer.


735-06    (5osja dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget your numerology
} Omit the Kabbalah
} Refuse to read psychology
} Think not upon Torah
} You seekers of the human race
} Take notes, and listen, please
} Why, wisdom's found in just one place:
} Oracularities
}
} You owe the Oracle an Ogden Nash omnibus.


735-07    (55quk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mister Oracle my name is Timmy and I am 12 and I am writing a paper for
> my teacher Miss Fredricks she is ugly and old but she wants me to write
> a paper on gods and divinities of the past and the present and I don't
> have a library card and they wont let me in there any more anyway and I
> need to get some good words and yours are always good and I want you to
> write it for me and it has to be double spaced and look good and get me
> a good grade and two pages and dont spell anything rong because I dont
> want to fix anything and dont use big words that would make her know
> that I didn't write it because she would get awfully mad and yell and
> call my dad again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many different brands of mythology.  The
} chief god of the Egyptians was Osiris.  The chief
} god of the Greeks was Zeus.  The chief god of the
} Romans was Jupiter.  The chief god of the Teutons
} was Wodin.  That is why it is spelled funny that
} way.  The chief god of the Indians was Brahma.
} This is kosher PC Indians from India, not Native
} Americans.
}
} Osiris was the god of goodness in Egypt.  He married
} his sister.  This often happened in Ancient Egypt
} because they had trouble with the Nile flooding and
} mothers-in-law.  His sister was Isis.  Osiris was
} murdered by Set.  Set was the god of night and the
} god of the desert and the god of evil.
}
} Zeus was the chief god of the Greeks.  He was the
} god of good and evil.  This was more efficient than
} Egypt.  He had two wives and a whole load of
} girlfriends.  He ate his first wife when she was
} present.  She was called Metis.  The child was
} Athena.  She was the goddess of the city of Athens
} in Greece.  His second wife was Hera.  Apollo was
} the sun god.  He was the sun god because he was the
} sun of Zeus and Leto.  His twin sister was Artemis.
} She was the goddess of chastity.  Like a nun but
} not like her father who was nun other (than Zeus).
} Another of the girlfriends of Zeus was Leda.  He
} became a swan to get her.  She also had twins who
} are Gemini, the astrological sign.
}
} Jupiter was the chief god of the Romans.  He is
} basically the same as Zeus except in Latin.  He
} married his sister like Osiris.  He was lord of
} heaven and lived on Mount Olympus.
}
} Odin was the chief god of the Teutons who are the
} people in north Germany and Scandinavia.  He was
} god of the sky.  He lived in Asgard.  His wife's
} name was Frigga (no, honestly).  He has girlfriends
} too.  They are called Valkyries and they receive
} the souls of warriors slain in battle.  Wednesday
} was named after him.  His son is Thor.  Thursday is
} named after him.
}
} There is only one modern mythology.  It is called
} Republicanism.  It only has one god.  He is called
} Newt.  He lives on Mount Capitol.  He is the god of
} making a whole load of people very angry all at
} once.
}
} You owe the Oracle the scalp of Miss Fredericks.


735-08    (7akvi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are women so complicated to the male species ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answer this questionaiire please with a number #2 pencil, and make sure
} the marks stay within the alloted blocks for answers.
}
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
} Situation #1
}       It's a sunny cool October weekend, and not a cloud in the sky.
} The lawn is covered in the perfect orange and gold blanket that Mother
} Nature puts on in the Fall.  Obviously, your mind turns
}
} [ ] a>
}       12 hours of college football
}       9 hours pro football
}       3 hours of Sports Center and Chris Berman
}       3 hours of NHL hockey (pending the strike)
}       2 hours of Midnight Madness
}       1 hour of the Babe on ESPN on the Aerobics show in the morning
}       chips, sofa, -- urp --, beer
} [ ] b>
}       a wonderful day for the whole family to go outside and rake the
}       leaves together, and then snuggle up in front of the fire place
}       and drink hot cocoa with those little marshmellows in them
} [ ] c>
}       rn alt.binaries.pictures.erotica
}
} Situation #2
}       It's almost [insert Winter Solstice celebration], and you don't
} know what to get your SO.  You ask in a round-about way what they would
} want as a present, and they say, "Oh nothing, don't worry about me,
} dear." This should be interpreted by you as
}
} [ ] a>
}       She don't want no present.  'nuff said.  I wouldn't want to upset
}       her by doing something that she explicit doesn't want me to do.
} [ ] b>
}       Getting a present, something to reflect the joy we have shared,
}       not too gaudy, but appropriately showing the care, warmth, and
}       affection between us.
} [ ] c>
}       Search for "nothing" at <http://cui_www.unige.ch/w3catalog>.
}       Do an archie on worry.  Maybe get something from Rat Shack.
}
} Situation #3
}       Complete this sentence.
}       "My idea of a perfect month long vacation is ..."
}
} [ ] a>
}       A trip to Arizona or Florida in the Spring.  Maybe I can watch
}       every baseball team play during spring training!
} [ ] b>
}       A trip to Hawaii or Tahiti.  Some place where I can get away from
}       it all, relax, dress up in sexy clothes and go out dancing, and
}       spend some quality time just between me and my significant other
}       on a deserted beach.  And definitely lots of cuddling.
} [ ] c>
}       my office, a T3, a macho CPU god and gigs of disk, fluorescent
}       lights, and unlimited amounts of caffeinated beverages.
}
} Scoring:
}
} Tally up the score on your questionairre, depending on your answers for
} each question.  You will receive a final score of between 0 and 30.
}
} 10 points for each answer that you marked "A"
}  5 points for each answer that you marked "B"
}  0 points for each answer that you marked "C"
}
} Results:
}
} >21:
}       You are a big burly macho guy.  You like sports.  You don't
}       understand why women like those slimy false whiny guys who pander
}       to their every whim, showering them with phony praise and little
}       chocolates.  You are an honorable gentlemen and respect women as
}       you would respect yourself.  In other words, you will never
}       understand how women think.  [It's in the genes.]
} 6-20:
}       You're either a woman [in which case you already know that women
}       are deliberately confusing to men], or a guy in touch with your
}       feminine side, the nurturing child within yourself.  If you are a
}       guy, this means that your friends and acquintances probably call
}       you "sweet lovable sensitive and caring".  You'll be secure in
}       your superiority even when those big burly macho guys turn your
}       face into tenderized ground beef when they find out that you've
}       made love more times than they've had playoff tix.
} 0-5:
}       People?  What people?
}
} You owe the Oracle an electronic copy of the "Kama Sutra".


735-09    (cgmnd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eeeek!  A spider!  Squish it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gak, the Oracle has to do everything for you. Stand back ...
}
} ZOT!
}
} Oops, hit the supplicant and not the spider ...
}
} The spider owes the Oracle a new set of glasses.


735-10    (7evjf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, and welcome to AutoZot, the service offered by oracular beings
} too snivelling and timid to speak to the oracle directly.  If you are
} not calling from a touch tone phone, you need to get with the program.
} Please have a grovel and a question ready.
} If you would like to just grovel, press one.
} If you would like to ask a question about woodchucks or lemurs, press
} two. If you would like to ask a question about the internet, press
} three. If you suspect that a coworker of yours is Satan incarnate,
} press four. If you are Satan incarnate, press five.
} To find out more about the Oracle/George Carlin ticket for the
} presidency, press six.
} If you would like to spoil a perfectly nice day with a ZOT, hang up
} now.
}
}       ZOT!!!!
}
} You owe the oracle a phone number to get straight into ticketmaster,
} without being put on hold, when Grateful Dead tickets go on sale.


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