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Internet Oracularities #736

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Usenet Oracularities #736    (85 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 10:25:18 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

736   85 votes 4geul eiti6 9fujc ioqe3 79rse dmpbe bcgzb 7jGa7 9ejsf fnmi7
736   3.1 mean  3.6   2.8   3.1   2.5   3.4   2.9   3.3   2.9   3.3   2.8


736-01    (4geul dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, kindly and warm-hearted, please
> tell us all how it came to pass that you met the lovely Lisa?
> Perhaps then those of the supplicants who drool at the thought
> of her loveliness can find significant others of
> their own.
>
> Note that I ask this question on behalf of all the
> unattached supplicants of the world, having already
> saddled myself with my own personal ball and chain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I won him in a poker game.
}                       -Lisa


736-02    (eiti6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great but slow Oracle, I can send you questions
> faster than you can answer them!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alex Trebeck: No, supplicant, that's incorrect.  How much did you
} wager in Final Jeopardy?  Oh, no. You've lost both of your
} dollars!  Remember the category is "False claims".  The answer
} is: "Oracle gets these".  Oracle, what is your response?
}
} Oracle: "What is, 'Oh great but slow Oracle, I can send  you
} questions faster than you can answer them!'?"
}
} Alex: That is the correct response.  You see supplicant, you
} forgot to phrase your response in the form of a question.  Let's
} see how much the Oracle wagered.  Oh, my, he risked it all. And
} a wise wager it was, too, since he responded correctly. That
} makes your winnings today $392,103,392 [applause] and your total
} for the 739 days you have been Jeopardy champion is now
} $123,429,345,129.
}
} [wild applause, roll credits, cue theme song]
}
} Alex [almost inaudible over music]: So tell me, Oracle, do you
} *really* get false claims like that?
}
} Oracle: [inaudible]
}
} Announcer: Our losing contestants receive the home version of
} Jeopardy, and a year's supply of Spam.


736-03    (9fujc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@inetnebr.com (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle for whom I do not have enough capitalization in my O's,
> I have already asked you this question, but you know how much
> less intelligent than you I am, and I did not understand your answer,
> so O Must Wise And Thoughtfull Oracle I ask once again :
>
> Why is it that cats move their tail when they're nervous, whereas
> dogs move theirs when they're happy ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all started a long, long time ago. In the beginning, neither dogs
} nor cats moved their tails at all to express emotion. Even now, it is
} still not to express emotion, but for quite different reasons.
}
} Cats were always very taciturn creatures, solitary hunters. Dogs were
} very playful, social creatures, and most of them were significantly
} larger than cats. In the days of Eden, they lived mostly seperate
} lives. But one day, a dog met a cat, and the course of history was
} changed forever.
}
} A dog was walking along jauntily along through a grassy clearing,
} contentedly drooling, ears aflap. Then, suddenly, he sees and smells
} something it had never seen before. A large mound of fur, its topmost
} point pinnacled by two triangular-shaped EARS... yes, ears, it would
} call them! with a long, dark, thick, lush TAIL, stretched out in a
} straight line behind it, was sitting smack-dab directly in the center
} of the field!
}
} CAT, thought the dog, grinning happily as he added three new words to
} his vocabulary. CAT. Then it trotted forward to investigate.
}
} The cat did not even notice. (It should be added that cats were a lot
} less cautious in those days, which is also why its tail was stretched
} out fully behind it, instead of curled safely around its own body.)
}
} Maybe it would like to play with me? mused the dog, lowering his head
} to take a better whiff of the creature. CAT. CAT.
}
} CAT. The dog sniffed carefully. Strange smell! URINE, thought the dog,
} drooling inadvertantly onto the cat's fur. The cat still did not notice
} the dog, sitting there motionlessly.
}
} The dog lowered his head still lower. TAIL, he grinned. PLAY. PULL, he
} thought happily, gently closing his jaws around the long, furry, soft
} length.
}
} The cat hissed wildly and let out an ear-splitting
} REEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!! jumping up and tearing off to a spot halfway
} across the field, where it soon regained is composure and began washing
} itself.
}
} The dog lifted up his head, mystified. What happened? He hoped he
} didn't hurt the CAT. CAT, repeated the dog proudly, pleased that he had
} made up a new word today.
}
} Maybe the CAT was playing too? wondered the dog. Was it a new game? He
} wasn't sure if he liked this game very much, but if it *was* a game,
} and since for him, any game was a good game, he decided he liked it.
} The thought of a new game excited the dog tremendously, and he started
} off toward the cat again, who was once again faced away from him,
} licking its paw.
}
} The dog stopped about a foot away from the cat, whose tail once again
} was stretched out behind it. But this time, noticed the particularly
} smart and observant dog, its tail was twitching.
}
} Oh boy! marveled the dog. He loved challenges. He decided to try it
} too. Wheeee!!!! thought the dog happily, as he felt the wind rush
} through the fur of his tail. What fun! He never tried *that* before.
} Cats are pretty smart, decided the dog.
}
} TAIL. PLAY. PULL, thought the dog, darting several times and missing,
} until he finally managed to pull the tail once more. This time, the cat
} hissed bloody murder, meowing passionately and it tore off  through the
} Garden, never to return to this spot.
}
} CAT. GONE, though the dog morosely, looking around hopefully in case it
} was hiding. He sniffed for the strange smell. Gone. He was crestfallen.
} Had he played wrong?
}
} No, he had not played wrong, thought the dog, brightening. Maybe that
} was supposed to be the game. Two turns, and then the cat runs away? He
} WAGged his tail again optimistically. WAG, thought the dog happily.
} Maybe he was supposed to find another cat? He wagged his tail again
} cheerfully. Yes!
}
} And he did find another cat. And another. And another, until it was
} finally imprinted in the genes of cats to move their tails when they
} were nervous, for all their nervousness burns down to is,
} subconsciously, that, when they are least expecting it, a dog *will*
} bite their tail.
}
} And dogs, they do not wag their tails because they are happy. They are
} happy because they wag their tail, and this very happiness has been
} imprinted in the genes of dogs, to be passed on forever from one
} generation to the next.
}
} Eventually, cats wisened up and realized they could be more aware of
} their surroundings, and later on, they found out they had claws and
} made use of them, which the dogs thought was a dirty trick. *They*
} thought it was all in good fun. But soon, they began to tease cats just
} to be annoying, once the cats started their clawing, and their
} tail-wagging took on an extra use as well, so they could avoid better
} the nasty tail swipes the cats would make. (Dogs still thoroughly enjoy
} this 'game,' as illustrated by their wagging.)
}
} And so began the eternal Dog and Cat feud.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of flea powder.


736-04    (ioqe3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most humble and excellent Usenet (WWW, Mosaic, etc...) Oracle, who
> has no sex but all the time 'gets some', who never needs windshield
> fluid refills, who can drink 60 shots of beer in 60 minutes (a fine
> Guiness or even a Schlitz (ecchh!!)), who knows the chicks from NBC's
> _Friends_ (wink wink, nudge, nudge), who doesn't need bifocals,
> medicare supplements, Immodium A.D., or those adult diapers, who has
> the brilliant knowledge of a baker's dozen, who can calculate pi to
> 3.1428571 billion places,...need I go on?? o.k....who can figure out
> the rest of the grovel I intended to say, but the dog has upended the
> trash can again,  here is my query...
>
>       where can I get some .gif of your lady friend Lisa???
>
> she sounds like quite a wonderful babe!!!
>
> your most humble, and running out of time on my student loan
> deferrments, supplicant...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know if there are any .gif files of Lisa and me running around,
} but there are some full-action (if you get my drift) .mov Quick (and
} we do mean quick) Time files of Lisa and myself performing random
} erotic and/or unspeakable acts with some wood...
}
} "ORRIE!!!!!  I can't believe you're divulging our personal bedroom
} secrets to this guy!  How could you?????"
}
} Well, uh, um...he just asked if there were any .gif files of you on
} the internet and I, um, I..
}
} "No, I mean how could you give information away this close to our
} 'Bedroom Success through Creativity infomercial?"
}
} OOOOOOOHHHHHH....OK, excuse me for a second...
}
} Supplicant, there are NO .gif files of Lisa to be found anywhere.
} However, if you watch "Bedroom Success through Creativity starring
} T. U. Oracle and Lisa" you will see a telephone number to call
} to get a video that will feature Lisa for only $19.95.  Plus, if
} you act right away, we'll throw in a free membership in ABPE*A,
} or alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.* Anonymous.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of the host of "Amazing Discoveries,"
} notes from each of his parents with the words "plastic wrap is not
} a condom, and should not be used as such" written 1000000 times, and
} a newsfeed that carries the alt.binaries.pictures.erotica hierarchy.


736-05    (79rse dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is water green and Santa Claus a liar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  I knew we'd be having this little talk sooner or later, Virginia. The
} answer to your question is: because you're growing up. Blue water
} and Santa Claus are going the way of other childhood illusions, such
} as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the robothood of Tom Servo and
} Crow, and that you can tell the good guys from the bad guys by the
} color of their hats. This is the downside of growing up.
}  The upside of growing up is that you get a whole new set of adult
} illusions to replace your childhood illusions, such as working hard
} will lead to success, having lots of money will make me happy and
} a worthwhile person, my current love relationship will solve all my
} problems, the media reports the truth, my kids are always wrong and I'm
} always right, I can trust the political leaders I happen to agree with,
} the religion I was raised with is the right one that will really get
} me to heaven, the world was completely safe and life was simple when
} I was a kid (unlike today, when it's going to hell in a handbasket),
} and you can tell the good guys from the bad guys by what political
} party they belong to and where they stand on the abortion issue.
}  Of course, the one thing you will *always* be able to believe in is
} the Oracle. The Oracle loves you and is always right about everything
} and really truly does exist utterly and definitely is *not* a
} 34-year-old unemployed female artist in Omaha, Nebraska writing this
} on a used IBM 286 she got free from her sister.
}
}  You owe the Oracle your undying faith.


736-06    (dmpbe dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I parse a mailbox (ie. /usr/spool/mail/$USER). I am trying to
> write an offline mail reader... for windows and I can get the contents
> of a users mailbox but I am not sure how to parse out the diiferent
> messages.
>
> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle please do not fail me :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the days when your grandfathers grandfather was a boy, there
} lived, in the provence of Kwong Lu, a maiden called Wu Li. She
} was the daughter of the Governor of the provence, and the most
} beautiful maiden in all the land. Schooled in the gentle arts, she
} was an accomplished poet, skilled painter, and talented singer. But
} above all of these was her skill at caligraphy, her beautifully
} crafted characters were greatly prized, and decorated noble houses
} throughout the heavenly empire.
}
} Now her father, Wu Chang, was a dedicated and loyal official,
} but with the passing years he found his vision failing, and grew
} to rely on his daughter to read the many important letters the
} imperial messenger brought to him each day. Every morning, the
} messenger, Hau Djwai, would come to the Governors home, and just at
} the point where the 3 great hounds guarded the entrance, place the
} messages in a brass bound box for which he held one of the 2 keys.
} When Wu Li heard the baying of the hounds, she would watch from the
} window until he had left, (for it would be unseemly for Wu Li to
} meet with a single man unescorted) and retrieve the new messages,
} Sitting by the window overlooking the mailbox, she then read the
} messages to her father. In the afternoon the messenger would call
} again, and collect and replies to be passed on to the Imperial
} capital.  Even though they had never officially met, Wu Li and Hau
} Djwai had often exchanged glances through the window, and thus
} their secret love was born.
}
} Now Wu Chang had promised his daughter in marriage to Kwai Ming, a
} general in the Imperial army. Kwai Ming was an old and brutal man,
} with little appreciation for the finer things in life, and Wu Li
} was quite distressed at the thought of marriage, but what could
} she do ? In desperation, she wrote a note to Hau Djwai, imploring
} him to run away with her the next day. 'I shall be pretending to
} feed the hounds by the mailbox', she wrote, 'run away with me, and
} we shall be together forever.'
}
} Now Hau Djwai was young and handsome, and much in love with Wu Li,
} but he was no fool, and knew that Kwai Ming would search to the
} ends of the earth for his bride-to-be. He dare not defy the Empire
} so, and yet he had not the heart to say this to Wu Li, so the next
} afternoon he simply passed by the Governors house, without
} stopping to collect the messages.
}
} Wu Li was devastated, betrayed by her one true love, condemned to a
} loveless marriage with a brutal old man, she flung herself into
} the well. Her drowned body was discovered by servants that evening,
} the only clue to the cause was a note in Wu Li's exquisite
} calligraphy
}
} 'Hau Djwai passed the mailbox - the arf-line window mail reader'.


736-07    (bcgzb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...how I should get rid of my farting...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As quickly as possible, I'd say. Please, supplicants, remember that the
} Oracle has a superhuman sense of smell, and odors do travel over the
} 'net.
}
} Now, as I realize that you are looking for how-to advice, I give you
} the following techniques. Try the one that works best for you and your
} lifestyle.
}
}       BEANO
} This is a commercial product designed to help you break down the
} enzymes found in legumes, thereby preventing flatulence. Advantage:
} many people purchase Beano(R), thereby removing the social stigma
} involved. Disadvantage: it doesn't work THAT well, and is of almost no
} help for you "beer and eggs" sorts.
}
}       SELF-CONTROL
} The obvious: hold it in! Advantage: no capital expenditures or
} embarrassing evidence lying about. Disadvantage: if you have it bad,
} you're going to need Arnold Schwarzesphincter, so to speak.
}
}       PINE AIR FRESHENER
} Spray until the pain goes away. Advantage: 1001 uses besides farts,
} cheaper than Beano(R). Disadvantage: doesn't work. Makes it smell like
} somebody shit a pine tree.
}
}       HARDENED PLUG OF SUPERGLUE
} Don't laugh, this works. You'll require some assistance in getting the
} glue installed, but depending on your lifestyle, that could be fun! My
} bum is twitching just thinking about it! Advantage: bonds permanently,
} removing the problem forever. Disadvantage: you have a rectum for a
} reason, and you will eventually explode, covering everyone nearby with
} feces and making them think that it is election time again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hardened plug of Beano.


736-08    (7jGa7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O delicious Oracle, who can adore a device while detaining your image,
> whose finger I am unworthy of observing, whose wondrous companion Lisa
> has splendid elbows, and who loves randomly generated grovels, is it
> true that the 'net will die imminently and be featured on TV news shows
> at 11:00?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, has the Imminent Death of the Net been predicted again?  That's
} kind of old news around here, along with the Good Times Virus and the
} Invasion of the Giant Intergalactic Killer Bees.
}
} The secret of visualizing the Net is not to think of it as a net, but
} rather, as a tree.  There are literally hundreds of thousands of
} millions of ways for sap to flow through the phloem and nutrients to
} flow through the xylem (unless it's the other way around...even I have
} trouble remembering this kind of thing).  If you make a cut in the
} tree, the sap and nutrients will still find a way to flow through.
} Even if you make a really large cut in the tree, the flow may be
} impeded slightly, but it'll still work, and eventually, it'll cure
} itself.  If you cut all the way through the tree, at least one acorn
} (or, in Net terms, "node") will split itself off and valiantly try to
} start the tree over.  I mean the Net.
}
} Therefore, the answer to your question is in several parts.
}
} 1. The Death of the Net is not imminent.
} 2. If the Net died, the first place it would be discussed is on the
} new, replacement Net.
} 3. In the more traditional media, it would first be noted on CNN at
} 9:41 PM Eastern.
} 4. It would then be noted on Fox affiliates and independent stations'
} 10:00 news.
} 5. After that, then and only then, would the Death of the Net be
} featured on TV news shows at 11:00.  And immediately after the story,
} the stations would give out their new World Wide Web home page
} addresses for use on the new Net.


736-09    (9ejsf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I will not grovel until I know if you are a man or a woman.
> If you're a woman, than, neat.   If not - kiss off.  If you're a block
> of cheese, please don't hurt me.  If you are Ebola, please liquify my
> guts. OK?  Is this okay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, good. It's been one of those days where you're just itching to ZOT
} someone. This is perfect! Let's see now, better make it a good one...
} maybe a two handed ZOT? Yeah, that'll work... with my eyes closed? Nah,
} I want to make sure I'm right on target. Maybe a running start? No, no
} style there. OK, I'm ready.
}
} Ready...
}
} Aim...
}
} [A figure in a suit enters. He speaks.]
}
} Man: Hold it, Oracle.
}
} Oracle: What?! What do you want?
}
} Man: My card.
}
} Oracle (reads): "Immortal Regulatory Service... Agent Gabriel."
}
} Gabriel: I'm here to stop you from violating your contract.
}
} O: My contract?! My contract SPECIFICALLY states that I may ZOT whoever
} I want!  C'mon, this joker is REALLY asking for it.
}
} G: That's not what I'm talking about. Your contract states that you are
} required to truthfully answer every question given to you.
}
} O: Oh, like that ever stopped me before...
}
} G: Exactly. We're cracking down. I'm required to inform you that
} failure to answer this supplicant's question will result in a penaltly
} of having to answer "Dear Abby's" column until Windows 95 ships.
}
} O: You guys ARE cracking down.
}
} G: So why don't you just answer the question? THEN you can ZOT all you
} want.
}
} O: Yeah, but I hate to give this loser even the slightest bit of
} satisfaction even before a painful ZOT...
}
} G: I'm afraid you must.
}
} O: Grrrr... Fine. I'll do it, but I'll hate myself in the morning...
} Ahem.
}
} Supplicant, your question was:
}
} > OK?  Is this okay?
}
} The answer is no. It is NOT okay.
}
} You owe the Oracle to stand still... look up... ready... aim...


736-10    (fnmi7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it considered strange for a man to wear pantyhose?  (Or is it?
> I'm new to this culture.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not universally frowned upon; fashion can vary dramatically from
} region to region. In many urban areas, it is actually customary for a
} man to don a pair of pantyhose before entering a retail establishment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a panic button.


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