[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Aug 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:47:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #737

Goto:
737, 737-01, 737-02, 737-03, 737-04, 737-05, 737-06, 737-07, 737-08, 737-09, 737-10


Usenet Oracularities #737    (78 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 08:36:31 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   737
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

737   78 votes 59xp6 afvh5 7ddqj 7hqdf ekhfc 2osf9 jmjc6 2czo5 glra4 dpjd8
737   3.0 mean  3.2   2.9   3.5   3.2   2.9   3.1   2.5   3.2   2.6   2.7


737-01    (59xp6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, please, Uncle Orrie, won't you tell me just one more story before
> I have to go to sleep?  Please oh please oh please oh pleeeeeeezzzee?
> Will you tell me the one about the Serendipitous Happenstance and the
> Great Can of Spam(tm)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: "Well, okay, just one more. But this is the last one.
}         Once upon a time there lived three little bears--
}
} Supplicant: "No, not the Three Little Bears! I want to hear the story
} about the Serendipitous Happenstance and the Great Can of Spam(tm)!"
}
} Oracle: "Oh, right. Sorry.
}         A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away--
}
} Supplicant: "Hey, no fair! That's Star Wars!"
}
} Oracle: "Whoops, my mistake. One more try:
}         Call me Ishmael....
}
} Supplicant: "NOOOOO! Not that stupid whale story! I want the story
} about the Seren--"
}
} Oracle [shouting]: "--dipitous Happenstance and the Great Can of
} Spam(tm), YES, I KNOW!"
}
} Supplicant: "What's the matter? Don't you know the story? I thought you
} knew everything, Uncle Orrie?"
}
} Oracle: "Of COURSE I know everything. It's just that sometimes I have a
} hard time keeping it all sorted out. Let me see now...[pause]...The
} Serendipitous Happenstance...[scratches head]...and the Great
} Can...[pause]...of Spam(tm)...[long pause]...uh, did you mean the
} original version or the modern, revised version?"
}
} Supplicant: "The original version."
}
} Oracle: "Er, is that the original version as it was first published as
} a series in Oracular Bedtime Stories (volumes 2982317 through 3670913),
} or the original version published as a book?"
}
} Supplicant: "Um...the original version published as a book."
}
} Oracle: "But did you mean the original COMPLETE version published as a
} book, or the original ABRIDGED version published as a book?"
}
} Supplicant: (*Yawn*) "Uh...the original complete version published as a
} book."
}
} Oracle: "Okay, but is that the original complete version published as a
} HARDCOVER book, or the original complete version published as a
} SOFTCOVER book?"
}
} Supplicant: "Zzzzzzzz..."
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass of milk.


737-02    (afvh5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the question if the answer is 42. No silly comments please!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The audacity of some petitioners amazes me!  There you go, asking
} difficult questions, but you don't even take the time to grovel.  Hmph,
} I've a good mind not to answer you.  (Aside, to invisible, but
} inevitable sidekick; "What?  You've just made coffee?  Mmm, ok.")  OK,
} lucky for you, I've been pacified.
}
} Ah, now this question that has baffled philosphers through the ages.
} Let's see how some of them addressed the problem, shall we?
}
} Plato:
}   What is the way to reach the greater good?
}
} Karl Marx:
}   The number 42 is an historical inevitability. There is no question.
}
} Machiavelli:
}   The question must not be discussed, so that those who know the
}   question will be viewd with admiration, as only they have the daring
}   and courage to boldly multiply.  Those knowledgeable ones must also
}   be viewed with fear, for whom among you has the strength to contend
}   with such a paragon of formulatic virtue?  In such a manner is the
}   princely mathmatician's dominion maintained.
}
} Jean-Paul Sartre:
}   What number will cause people to act in good faith and be true to
}   themselves?
}
} Albert Einstein:
}   How you reach 42 depends upon your frame of reference.
}
} Buddha:
}   If you ask this question, you deny your own 42-ness.
}
} Salvador Dali:
}   The Dog?
}
} Darwin:
}   What is the logical next step after coming down from the trees?
}
} Emily Dickinson:
}   What could not stop for death?
}
} Epicurus:
}   What is the definition of fun?
}
} David Hume:
}   What arises out of custom and habit?
}
} Pyrrho the Skeptic:
}   What number?
}
} The Sphinx:
}   I'm not telling.
}
} Mark Twain:
}   The news of this number has been greatly exaggerated.
}
} Douglas Adams:
}   What is 6x7?
}
} You owe the oracle another year of grad school in the art of applied
} metamathmatics.


737-03    (7ddqj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where could I get one of those 5000 ton weights that tends to drop on
> Looney Toons' heads?  Is there a company that will install them in the
> sky and drop them for you?  Do they take checks?  I really need to
> know, my sister-in-law is coming to my house in less than a week!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anvils are made exclusively in the tiny European Principality of
} Anvillania. Anvillania (pop 3,400) is ruled by the much feared
} Triumverate of The Warners Three. Yakko is King. Wakko is the minister
} at arms. Dot's just cute! The official theme song of Anvillania is "Let
} the Anvil's Ring" .
}
}    LET THE ANVILS RING
}    (M: Richard Stone (Includes arrangements of traditional music
}    and P. D. music by Richard Sanderson);  L: Peter Hastings)
}
}    "Let us introduce ourselves, O people of this land
}    We are the Warner Brothers
}    With sister close at hand
}    I bet you all are wondering, who is this young unknown?
}    And why am I inheriting the Anvilanian throne?
}    Yes, why?
}    Yes, why?
}    Oh, please, please tell us why
}
}    The bottom of the family tree starts with Yakko, that is me
}    I'm the cousin to the sister of the son's niece's brother
}    Of the uncle's daughter's father of the nephew's sister's mother
}    And my grandpa's only cousin was the king's daugh-ter's sib-ling
}    But they're all gone, and that is why I am now your king!
}
}    He is now our king!
}    Yes! I am now your king!  Repeat what I just said!
}    Repeat what I just said!
}    And let the anvils ring!
}
}    Old King Yakko's mania was for Anvilania
}    So good citizens I pledge to you I'll do the best that I can do
}    For honor, country, and the king, let the anvils ring!
}    Let the anvils ring!"
}
} Anvils are the only major industry. The state food is sitting in the
} fridge. The state bird has been censored and the state motto is "Hello
} Nurse!"
}
} The Anivillanian FDA POLO (Federal Department of Anvils, Pianos and
} Other Large Objects) has adopted the following guidelines on Anvil use.
}
} 1) Non-comic use of anvils is stricly prohibited in accordance with the
} Geneva conventions (24-63g)
} 2) Victims must be given proper notice before having anvils dropped on
} them - that they may a) look up b) look to the camera c) utter some
} comment of impending doom.
} 3) The victim must be allowed to raise the anvil that has dropped on
} his head long enough to say something inappropriately witty. This is a
} good time for a second anvil gag.
} 4) The dropping of anvils on women and children is strictly prohibited,
} in accordance with the Warner Conventions (6-78y)
} 5) Why for you drop big black anvil on my head?
}
} As of 1959, Anvillania is working under an exclusive shipping and
} distribution agreement with the ACME Corporation. ACME has been a
} leader in gadgetry since the early fifties, when their "Micro-magnet"
} sold 120,000 units and made ACME the most profitable cartoon
} conglomerate in the United States. For a current catalog, send $4.00 to
}
} ACME Catalog
} P.O. Box 666
} Death Valley, Calif
} 90210
}
} or, for an illustrated web catalog, visit
} http://www.acme.com/gadgets/anvils
}
} (Allow 4 days for delivery - and look out ... here it comes!)
}
} Some notices apply:
} 1) There have been several recalls concerning ACME products in the last
} 20 years. The speed control on the ACME Rocket Skates does not function
} properly. Deaths have occured as the result of slamming into the sides
} of mountains. The recoil on the ACME Super Springs is not properly
} calibrated. Deaths have occured as the result of slamming into the
} sides of mountains. Materials used in the making of the ACME Human
} Slingshot have proven to be defective. Detahs have occured as the
} result of slamming into the sides of mountains. The motor on the ACME
} Bat-Coptor has fuel blockage problems. Deaths have occured as the
} result of severe falls. The markings on the ACME Catapult have not been
} properly calibrated. Deaths have occured as the result of falling
} boulders. The ACME Pest Control Robot has flipped its wig. Run for
} cover!!!!!
} 2) ACME will not be held responsible for any loss of wages, limbs or
} lives resulting from the use or misuse of ACME products.
} 3) All products come with a 3 day guarantee. Simply return the gadget,
} in its original box, to the adress listed above for a total refund.
} 4) So if you want to be a cartoon villain bring your Visa Card, 'cause
} at ACME Gadgets, they won't take your complaints, and they won't take
} American Express.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ACME super mini-magnet.


737-04    (7hqdf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, who never needs cleaning, who can go 100,000 miles
> without changing spark plugs, and who never gets ingrown toenails,
> please favor me with a response to my humble question:
>
> I saw a woman from Greenpeace in the mall last week, who said that we
> should stop clubbing baby seals.  Does this mean I should switch to a
> fixed bayonet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, because proper use of a bayonet also includes using the rifle
} butt as a club, so the bayonet is no more humane.  Lob a couple of
} hand grenades at them instead.  That should do the trick.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of sealskin gloves.


737-05    (ekhfc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are more numerous; the living or the dead ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The dead, of course--they just keep piling up.
}
} *ZOT!*


737-06    (2osf9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who, what, where, when, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who?
} Why, Colonel Mustard, of course!
}
} What?
} Well, the only sure answer is the lead pipe. It doesn't take an
} omniscient being to figure that out.
}
} Where?
} Since Mrs. Plum was in the Kitchen, it must have been in the Drawing
} Room.
}
} When?
} The half-empty snifter on the mantle indicates highly that it was after
} supper.
}
} Why?
} I haven't a Clue!
}
} You owe the Oracle a mint copy of Parker Brothers' Risk!, with the
} *wooden* pieces.


737-07    (jmjc6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who can tell the year of a wine with just one sniff,
>
> Why is the Earth round? Why not square or donut shaped?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's easy: because...[drool]...ahhhhhh, doughnuts...[drool]...


737-08    (2czo5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,
> I have a most troubling question....
> Why do we start sentences which we seek an answer to with the word
> "WHY"? I mean surely there are other more interesting combinations of 3
> letters than "WHY" ... a few spring to mind... :)
>
> WHY WHY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, there are other three-letter combinations--but the Greater God
} Grammar has decreed that the three letters W, H and Y are the only ones
} permitted.  So let's take a look at a few possible combinations and why
} they don't work...
}
} HWY: People think you're asking for the highway.  Before you know it,
} you're in California via Route 66.
}
} WYH: Since you're running around screaming "WHEE!" all the time, people
} assume that you're having fun and shouldn't be bothered, or that you're
} a loony.
}
} YHW: Sounds too much like "yahoo!"  Some dude with a righteous German
} accent and lots of bombs will come along and bitch about American
} cowboys.  You'll throw him off a building and go on to make two
} extremely successful sequels.
}
} YWH: Might get you in trouble with a certain popular god.
}
} When you narrow it down enough, you see that the only combination that
} doesn't step on anybody's toes is WHY.  So they used it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a performance of the Mickey Mouse Club closing theme
} song--on helium.


737-09    (glra4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is that guy that rings up Triple J every Wednesday evening just
> before 6pm and tells a really funny lightbulb joke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: A prison phone room, rows of tables and chairs, each table with
} a simple black desk telephone. Several prison inmates sit, making
} telephone calls. Guards observe silently, but diligently. The clock on
} the wall reads 5:53 pm.
}
} Camera zooms behind one inmate, small beads of sweat on the back of his
} neck, dialing on his telephone.
}
} [phone] ring...ring...ring...-click- "Hello, Triple-J, may I help you?"
}
} [inmate] "Uh, yeah, uh, how about this one: How many trial jurors does
} it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
}
} [phone] "Hey, who is this?"
}
} Just then, one of the guards approaches the inmate from behind.
}
} [guard] "Okay, Mr. Simpson, your time's up."
}
} -click-
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime subscription to Court TV.


737-10    (dpjd8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnicient Oracle, master of the land, sky and sea,
> why can't you tuna fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, Charlie, but the premise of your question is wrong.  Ask any
} mermaid you happen to see.
}
} I can tuna fish.  In pure spring water, no less.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org