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Internet Oracularities #738

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738, 738-01, 738-02, 738-03, 738-04, 738-05, 738-06, 738-07, 738-08, 738-09, 738-10


Usenet Oracularities #738    (90 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 27 May 1995 09:42:35 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   738
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

738   90 votes vvga2 8brok 5gws9 9ftra 66oxl 3hpqj 9ctw8 6sDg1 bdzp6 erte6
738   3.1 mean  2.1   3.4   3.2   3.2   3.6   3.5   3.2   2.8   3.0   2.7


738-01    (vvga2 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: CSF <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Spam

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lawyers from Hormel will visit you shortly.


738-02    (8brok dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: CSF <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Splendiforous Oracle, whose abilities no know bounds, who always
> dresses really spiffy, I have a question.  If rye bread was to be used
> on an episode of Star Trek, as some sort of a product placement, what
> would be the best way to have it used?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... this is, of course, a question of opinion and not of fact; of
} course, my opinions are considered by most intelligent species in this
} universe as being facts, but that's the price I pay for being as really
} nifty as I am.
}
} Now, having said all that:
}
} 1)  Star Trek: The Original Series -- episode title "The Trouble with
} Rye Bread"
}
}     Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encounter Cyrano Jonestein, a
} traveling baker and general pain in the ass, who has with him a
} "harmless" species of rye bread that reproduces itself and makes
} obnoxious "coo"-ing noises.  Klingons hate rye bread, everything is
} tense for about 42 minutes, and in a really funny scene Kirk gets
} clobbered by 137,327 slices of rye bread.
}
} 2)  Star Trek: The Next Generation -- episode title "Where No Bread Has
} Gone Before"
}
}     Picard and the crew of the Enterprise encounter the Borgsteins, a
} cruel race of bakers that encorporate other species into their bread
} recipies.  They capture Picard and damn near toast him.  The Enterprise
} fires a modified cream cheese spread beam at the Borg ship, along with
} some Photon Bagels, everything is tense for about 42 minutes, and the
} Borg go away.
}
} 3)  Star Trek: Voyager -- episode title "Rye Are We Always Going The
} Wrong Way"
}
}     Janeway and the crew of the Enterprise... uh, I mean, Voyager... do
} something really stupid and try to kill off a species of rye bread
} thinking it is some natural phenomena that will give them more energy
} to get home.  The rye bread takes over the ship, Nelix almost serves
} the Rye Ambassador as breakfast to the crew, and everything is really
} tense for about 42 minutes until the holographic doctor figures out
} what's going on.
}
} 4)  Star Trek: Deep Space 9 -- episode title "The Words of the Prophets
} Are Written On the Subway Walls"
}
}     Siskel and the crew of the Ent... ah, Deep Space Nine... find
} pieces of Rye Bread coming thru the wormhole from the Delta Quadrant.
} Quark tries to make a buck (or pressed latinum) from it, Odo tries to
} shapeshift into it, and the Bejorans try praying to it.  Things never
} get tense... it's a boring show anyway.
}
} Oh, Rye Bread could be used in the even numbered Star Trek movies (II,
} IV, & VI), but in a very subtle way -- you'd never notice it.  In Star
} Trek: The Motion Picture, the part of V'ger would be played by a loaf
} of Rye Bread.  In Star Trek III: Search for Spock, Spock's essence
} wouldn't be found in McCoy but in a loaf of... you guess it.  In Star
} Trek V: The Stupid Movie... oh, I can't even bring myself to speculate
} how they would use it, but I assure you it would have been awful (but
} might have made the move slightly more tolerable than what they DID
} release).
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen nude photos of the cute blonde on Voyager,
} and a Reuben sandwich set on Kill.


738-03    (5gws9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh slender Oracle, please tell me how to lose about 20 pounds quickly
> without pulling a Karen Carpenter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, dearie, the fastest way I know to lose 20 pounds is to put it
} on Slug's-A-Running in the third at Ascot.  A guaranteed bowser.
} Now if you're looking to win 20 pounds, you should put it on...
}
} STOP!!!!!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  GET AWAY FROM THAT KEYBOARD!!!
}
} Sorry, sir.  Right away, sir.
}
} BUTLERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BUTTLE, NOT ISSUE INANE ANSWERS TO SERIOUS
} QUESTIONS.
}
} Right you are, sir.  I'm off, sir.
}
} SORRY ABOUT THAT.  NOW THEN - THE CORRECT ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION
} IS:
}
} LEAVE YOUR PURSE IN THE MALL.
}
} You owe the Oracle 20 pounds.


738-04    (9ftra dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's my name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish supplicant this is a simple question.
}
} Your name is a set of letters that can be used to identify you,
} it typically consists of two parts:
}
} a) one or more names given to you by your parents shortly after your
}    birth, some examples of these 'given' names (called christian names
}    by some cultures) are Bob, Tarquin, Ingrid, Cliff, Albert, Michela
}    etc.  many children are given two names, and some come to chose to
}    use the second in later life, despite the fact that it makes them
}    seem like a dork.
}
} b) a family name, which will normally have come from your father
}    (always assuming you know who he is) this can allow you to identify
}    close relatives. Typical family names ('surnames') are Jones, Smith
}    etc. in some cases the surname is an indication of what the family
}    business used to be, eg. Glover, Cooper, Baker, Potter, Sheepstealer
}    etc.
}
} In some special cases you can aquire 'nick' names, which will be
} associated with you, in some cases these are shortenings of your given
} name eg.
}       Robert -> Bob or Rob           James    -> Jim or Jimbo
}       Peter  -> Pete                 Jonathan -> Jon
}       Susan  -> Sue
}
} Nick names can also become associated with you as a result of some
} personal attribute which is considered unusual or unpleasant, such as:
} Spotty, Smelly, Shorty, Manager, Lefty, Lofty, Loony.
}
} It is also possible to be referenced by names which are only assigned
} for a short term as a result of some specific action which may have
} inconvenienced someone for example: Roadhog, Pisshead, Judas, Facist,
} Asshole etc.
}
} You owe the Oracle a concise dictionary and a better grovel next time.


738-05    (66oxl dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why man, why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} unix%  man why
}
}      WHY(1)                  UNIX System V                   WHY(1)
}
}      NAME
}         why
}
}      SYNOPSIS
}         why  [-e suppress EOF] [-h and how] [-n why not] [-v verbose]
}
}      DESCRIPTION
}         Why is a program often used by small children and subjobs.
}         It can be used to query another user for information.  It may
}         be used more than once (as in, "cat tellme | why | why | why"),
}         although repeated usage is annoying.
}
}      OPTIONS
}         -e   This option is used to allow why to ignore EOF characters,
}              and continue making queries until standard input is
}              exhausted and gives up.
}
}         -h   The "and how" option is used to generate more output.
}              This option can be used to avoid the kill signal that is
}              sent by the "because" command.
}
}         -n   This option does nothing, but can be used to fool some
}              shells into thinking you are asking something new.
}
}         -v   Used to get more information.  Note: in some cases this
}              option will be turned on automatically, and may be
}              impossible to shut off, depending on where the input is
}              coming from.
}
}      SEE ALSO
}         because(1), shutup(1), kill(1)
}
}      WARNINGS
}         Using the why command more than a few times in a row can
}         result in a painful system crash.  In some cases why can
}         end up in an endless loop with the "because" command.


738-06    (3hpqj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, enlighten me:
>
> How long will it take after the release of Windows 95 for Microsoft
> to get it to actually work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am reminded of a koan.
}
} A hacker once bought a computer, and that computer ran Dos 4.
} However, Dos 4 did not work.  The hacker asked Microsoft, when will
} you get Dos 4 to work?  Microsoft said, forget about Dos 4!  Buy our
} newest product, Dos 5, which has all bugs fixed.
}
} The hacker bought Dos 5, but it did not work.  The hacker asked
} Microsoft, when will you get Dos 5 to work?  Microsoft said, forget
} about Dos 5!  Buy our newest product, Windows, which has all bugs
} fixed.
}
} The hacker bought Windows, but it did not work.  The hacker asked
} Microsoft, when will you get Windows to work?  Microsoft said, forget
} about Windows!  Buy our newest product, Windows 95, which will have
} all bugs fixed.
}
} While he was waiting for Windows 95 to come out, the hacker asked the
} Oracle when Microsoft would get Windows 95 to work.  Before he even
} finished his question, the Oracle shouted "LINUX!" and began
} bludgeoning the hacker with a clue stick.  At that moment the hacker
} was enlightened.
}
} You owe the Oracle an 8mm tape drive for his PC.


738-07    (9ctw8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the proof that no oracle is better than T. U. Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a problem that has vexed the sages through the ages. Well, come to
} sunny England, where John Major has found the answer. Here there are
} GOVERNMENT LEAGUE TABLES for everything! Yess, not only soccer teams,
} but police forces, hospitals, schools and every other institution of
} state have their performance lined up for the punters to compare!
}
} And the first act of OffProph, the regulatory office of Oracles,
} Soothsayers, Prophets and Fortune Tellers, has been to establish a
} league table of out performance, and of course, it demonstrates quite
} clearly the superiority of myself, The Usenet Oracle. Here's a few
} lines:
}
} Oracular body Correct responses  Average wait    Supplicants ZOTted
}
} T U Oracle    100%               24 Hours        25%
}
} Teiresias     80%                7 Years         3%
}
} Deep Thought  50%                8750000 Years   33%
}
} Nostradamus   5%                 500 Years       1%
}
} Isiah         75%                600 Years       14%
}
} As you can see, T. U. Oracle comes top of the league in all respects,
} except...hang on, I've been out-ZOTted by that digital upstart from
} the Guide! I've some catching up to do! Did you grovel, supplicant?
} No! And questioning my superiority as well! I can get started right
} now...
}
} [<ZOT>]


738-08    (6sDg1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello are you from Mars, I am from the moon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Seeker of knowledge, your condition clearly illustrates the problem
} most humans have: not knowing your place in the universe.
}
}    The Oracle reccomends this simple exercise.  Look down your torso.
} If there are legs or feet attached, stare at what lies directly
} underneath them.  Is it a grey, powdery substance with a golf ball
} signed "Neil Armstrong" within sight?  Is it more of a beige plush
} carpeting? Is it a cheap institutional 1960's offwhite tile with flecks
} of blue and green?  What is beneath your feet?
}
}    Once you get in the habit of occasionally looking past your feet to
} where you are, you may begin to have flashbacks of where your feet have
} been before now.  This will eventaully lead you to the discovery that
} you are not, indeed, from the moon.  Do not let the memories of the
} Tesla coils,  lightning bolts and the uncomfortable surgical table
} disturb you. Your parents love you even if you were adopted.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a set of Reebocks, 11D, sent to his Martian
} mailing address.


738-09    (bdzp6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> vfgndrghidrgmchsdhm
> ioeroigcynriougyerityrgkfjvbnes7vdkgbduvbkugekues
> dfkljshrljkf hsadkjfhsadkfh sdjkf hslkdjfhsdklfhkdlsjfh kjsdah fklsd h
> sl;fj sfj asdfjfkjslfjsl;dfjk ;lkfj s
> s;fjkl s;fjs;dfjs;dkruesalru48ur f
>
> Don't you think so?
>
> Your humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is impressed with your knowledge of the ancient "Degni"
} languange, but suprised by the substance of the question.
}
} Go to the corner store, look in the 3rd aisle, near the bottom.
} Blue Star Ointment.  Works every time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Killer Spanish" book.


738-10    (erte6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Orrie, who knows what I mean, please answer this of your most
> humble supplicant..
>
> Will I marry her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle delights in affairs of the heart.
}
} Use of the affectionate "Orrie", reserved for only the most chaste of
} my worshipers, shows that you are ineligible for marriage.
}
} Unless you're in Utah ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with your unmarriable beloved.  :-)


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