[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:27:45 GMT

Internet Oracularities #739

Goto:
739, 739-01, 739-02, 739-03, 739-04, 739-05, 739-06, 739-07, 739-08, 739-09, 739-10


Usenet Oracularities #739    (82 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 30 May 1995 17:10:01 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   739
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

739   82 votes 3hwm8 7jshb 8dwfe ctnf3 9pve3 fkhic 4hso9 8akln 4dAja acot7
739   3.1 mean  3.2   3.1   3.2   2.6   2.7   2.9   3.2   3.5   3.2   3.1


739-01    (3hwm8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people lock the bathroom door even when their home alone?
> I mean, what is it that people are afraid of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations,  Supplicant   on  asking    a  (relatively)  original
} question.  I don't get many  of those, so I'll  overlook the lack of a
} grovel.  This time.
}
}       The   answer is simple:  racial memory.   Through the eons the
} basic necessity of  locking  the bathroom  door  has finally  acquired
} space within the basic human genome,  and lies there somewhere between
} the 341st and 343rd gene of chromosome 6a.
}
}       Consider, if  you will,  how  many classic horror movies  have
} graphically  depicted  how terrible things   can happen to  you in the
} bathroom.  Psycho, for  instance.  The Shining.   Attack of the Killer
} Tomatoes (just kidding.)
}
}       And  what, you ask,  is the true, dark  evil  that you, in the
} dank recesses of your primitive minds are afraid of?
}
} Children.
}
}       Of course, if you  were a  parent,  you would  have recognised
} this and probably  not bothered  to ask me   your question.  How  many
} parents have suffered  through "What are you  doing in  there, Daddy?"
} and "Can I watch, Mommy," or "Good for you, Daddy!   You did it on the
} potty!"?
}
} The Embarrassment.  The Horror. The Embarrassment.
}
}       So now you know, that when you lock the door your subconscious
} mind  is  simply striving to ensure  a  moment of quiet, unembarrassed
} peace by locking out your (as yet unborn) offspring.
}
}       You owe the Oracle  a long talk  with  your girlfriend  and an
} invitation to the baby shower.  Congratulations.


739-02    (7jshb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle, so noseholdhigh
>
> who is always putting those naughty little holes into my
> contraceptive English raincoats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                 Mackintosh Clothiers
}                                 Wembley Terrace 25
}                                 Sutton Albright, Cheshire
}                                 England HM64JB
}
} Anonymous Supplicant
} c/o The Usenet Oracle
} Computer Science Department
} University of Indiana
} Indiana 67723
} USA
}
} Dear Mr. or Ms. Supplicant:
}
} In regards to your recent query re. defective contraceptive raincoats:
}
} As with all raincoats, English or otherwise, the "holes," as you call
} them, were cut with the express purpose of providing space to fit your
} head and arms. As to the suitability of our raincoats for
} contraception, Mackintosh makes no claim, either express or implied,
} regarding our raincoats' ability to serve as a birth control device.
} Any such use is done at your own risk, with the full knowledge that
} Mackintosh Clothiers will be exempt from responsibility for any
} consequences arising therefrom.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Woodward Woodchuck
} President, Mackintosh Clothiers
}
} P.S.: You owe the Oracle a Frenchie.


739-03    (8dwfe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what other things can i have in the subject field ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to speed processing of your oracularity, you may include one
} of the following special codes in the subject field:
}
} Code     Semantics
} ------------------
} WOODC    Please zot me.
} RE:      Zot me again.
} HELP     Zot me harder.
} BONDA    Tie me up and zot me.
} BITCH    Have Lisa zot me.
} FWD:     Zot this other guy.
} LEMUR    Zot Joel Furr.
} GREEK    Zot my butt.
}
} You owe the Oracle another victim for a gratuitous zot.  Come to think
} of it....
}
} <ZOT!>


739-04    (ctnf3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful oracle, thy master made of many people please
> grant me the answer to the question
>
> Do you know of any overseas users that would like to talk.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, since I am the only known user of OVERSEAS, or the Oracle's
} Vapourisingly Efficacious and Righteous System for Eradicating Annoying
} Supplicants (you know, the Z-thing), and I am not in a very talkative
} mood right now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent grovel.


739-05    (9pve3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and majestic Oracle, whose advice is always wise and just
> and whose depth of knowledge knows no bouds, enlighten your humble
> supplicant.
>
> My friend has written as her project:
> To obey the Delphi oracle
>
> yet she is having difficulty getting to Delphi to consult your
> Priestess there.  Knowing this I am trying to help her and would like
> to know: What are your orders to her Oh Wise and Witty One?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, the Delphi Priestesses.  There are three.  They are Hewey,
} Dewey, and Muhammed Ali Akrabar Jamal Angelina Franchesca Bobesca Fo
} Fanna III (but she goes by Sue).  I know the 3 well.  Chances are that
} your friend is having trouble because those 3 are always getting into
} some sort of mess.  Hewey is dating this schmuck from AOL, and let me
} tell you, he is a schmuck.  And I don't know why she stays with him
} (well, I do, but that is another question, another time).  I mean, he's
} unemployed, he has no money, except what he makes from his Spam deals
} (did you know that Spam is outlawed in Columbia), which isn't much,
} since what he charges is far more than anyone is willing to pay for
} wanna-be meat.  She can usually be found at his house.  Unfortunately,
} he doesn't have a phone.
}
} The priestess Dewey is a charming lass.  Once Bob, one of the Delphi
} Priests, he underwent a sex change operation as he became attracted to
} the copy boy, Matt, at work.  The operation was a success, and he/she
} and Matt got together and got married.  Later, Matt ended up walking
} out on him/her, citing the fact he had discovered he was gay.
} Coincidentally, he ran off with a guy named Bob.  Finding this out,
} Bob/Dewey went crazy, became a mindless, drooling vegetable, and is now
} doing scripts for Warner Bros. in L.A., California.
}
} The only other priestess is Sue.  She is closer to normal than her
} co-Priestesses, and her pager number is 867-5309.  If you can't reach
} her that way, stand on your head, say "Beetlejuice" 3 times, and cut
} down the mightiest tree in the forest...with a herring.  That should
} get her attention, and your friend can then proceed with her as she
} needs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shrubbery.


739-06    (fkhic dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Spam

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
} Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam.
}
} Nobody expects the Spammish Repetition.


739-07    (4hso9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knock, knock.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And there you have it, folks! Clever Hans, the wonder horse, provides
} you with the correct answer for the question "What is 15 divided by 5?"
} And I'm sure you'll want to give a big hand ...
}
} Hang on a minute! Two? You stupid animal! It's the glue factory for
} you!
}
} You owe the Oracle a donkey that can do fractions.


739-08    (8akln dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <grovel.h>
> #include <angel.h>
> #include <iostream.h>
>
> int main(void)
> {
>    int iDancingAngelsCounted = 0;
>    angel aCurrentAngel;
>
>    while (!pin.empty())
>    {
>       aCurrentAngel = pin.remove-angel();
>       if (aCurrentAngel.dancing())
>       {
>          iDancingAngelsCounted++;
>          aCurrentAngel.squish();
>    }
>
>    cout << iDancingAngelsCounted;
>    cout << " angels were dancing on the head of this pin.\n";
>
>    return 0;
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include <iostream.h>
} #include <angel.h>
} #include <camel.h>
} #include <omniscience.h>
}
} int main(void)
} {   angel  ASquishedAngel;
}     camel  ACamel;
}     sharp  pin, needle;
}     int    iDeadCamels, iSquishedAngels;
}
}     while (ASquishedAngel = pin.graveyard(retrieve))
}     {   iSquishedAngels++;
}         ACamel = NewCamel(not_smelly);
}
}         if (!needle.eye(ACamel, pass, pushhard)
}         {   if (!needle.eye(ACamel, pass, pushharder)
}             {    iDeadCamels++;
}                  needle.graveyard(send); } }
}
}         if (ASquishedAngel.name(Bob))
}         {   supplicant << "Bob was a friend of mine.\n";
}             supplicant << ZOT; }
}
}         pin.graveyard(send); }
}
}     if (iSquishedAngels > iDeadCamels)
}         cout << "It is easier ";
}     else
}         cout << "It is harder ";
}     cout << "to pass a camel through the eye of\n";
}     cout << "a needle than to answer this question.\n";
} }
} // You owe me an object-oriented camel.


739-09    (4dAja dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> NEW
> 10 REM ASK ORACLE
> 20 GROVEL=INT(RND(100))
> 30 ASK="Please tell me"
> 40 HAULASS=ASC(27):REM HIT ESCAPE KEY
> 50 PRINT "Oh mighty Oracle,"
> 60 PRINT GROVEL:REPEAT 10
> 70 PRINT ASK:PRINT"Why can't a get a date?"
> 80 GET A:REM A=ANSWER
> 90 IF A="ZOT" THEN GOTO 110
> 100 END
> 110 PRINT HAULASS
> 120 END
> RUN

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I noticed a glaring ommision in your question:
}
} 15 RANDOMIZE TIMER
}
} So, everytime it is the same.  Since this is usually a pattern of bad
} coding, I assume your dating sub-routine has the same problem, hence
} the same outcome everytime.
}
} Fix that and mix things up a little bit and I'm sure you'll do fine.
}
} Just remember to practice safe hex.  :-)
}
} You owe the Oracle 4 truly random numbers (besides 42).


739-10    (acot7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh you wise beeing who knows everything, would you please consider to
> answer this question tha has been bugging me for years? I know that I'm
> not even worthy to lick away your toe-jam, but could you help me
> anyway? The question is:
> Why does Coca-cola taste better in a can then from a bottle or a glass?
> And where did I put my clean socks???
>
> Oyvind

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First the Oracle would like to point out that despite an introduction
} with not one but two uses of the SINGULAR ("answer this question" and
} "The question is") you then presume to ask TWO questions.  Normally
} this behaviour would by ZOTted without a moment's thought.
}
} HOWEVER, since the Oracle has just put in a good CD (*) and is feeling
} rather chirpy otherwise, plus the presence of a fair-to-good grovel
} (which so many supplicants overlook these days), I will deign to
} answer BOTH of your questions.
}
} The ideal Coca-Cola, the platinum-iridium standard against which all
} Coca-Cola experiences are measured, is that of drinking it directly
} out of a very very cold old-fashioned thick-glass bottle.  Compared
} with this,
}   - drinking it out of a can sucks because the liquid contains
}     dissolved aluminum from the inside of the can,
}   - drinking it out of a plastic bottle sucks because the bottle
}     polymers are slowly breaking up, releasing various icky gases
}     which then dissolve into the liquid,
}   - pouring it into a glass/cup/mug/whatever sucks even more because
}     of one of the above problems PLUS it loses a lot of fizz, and
}     tastes all watery as the ice melts, and warms up faster,
}   - drinking it from one of those plastic bottles SHAPED like an
}     old glass bottle is beyond reprehension.  The Coke marketing
}     droid who thought that up should be shot.
}
} Anyway, you prefer Coke from a can because you prefer the taste of
} aluminum to that of plastic.  The Oracle would bet that if you were
} to eat a roll of aluminum foil and a roll of Saran Wrap, you would
} prefer the taste of the foil.
}
} The second question concerns "clean socks."  A perfectly "clean" sock
} doesn't exist.  Even brand new socks, fresh from the store, are
} covered in hundreds of little mites and spores and things.  A whole
} microscopic zoo right there on your footwear.
}
} Since "clean" is a relative term, not an absolute state, you may just
} pick any socks that you happen to know the location of and extend your
} definition of "clean" to cover them.  You may discover that your clean
} socks are already conveniently located on your feet.  It's pretty much
} up to you.
}
} In lieu of payment to the Oracle, you owe the Coca-Cola corporation an
} advertising slogan less banal than "Always Coca-Cola."
}
} (*) Aphex Twin, _Selected Ambient Works Volume II_, disc 1.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org