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24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:05:18 GMT

Internet Oracularities #74

Goto:
74, 74-01, 74-02, 74-03, 74-04, 74-05, 74-06, 74-07, 74-08, 74-09, 74-10


Usenet Oracularities #74
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 6 Dec 89 22:03:54 GMT

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74-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friend says he writes shit for the newspaper.
> Is shit hard to write?
> I know it's hard to eat...
> Shit on a shingle is always good though.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually it's rather easy to write shit, be it for a newspaper or a
} class or a love letter.  The hard part is making the shit sound good
} when read.
}
} In spite of this however.  .  .  Shit is becoming more and more
} attractive as a way of communicating the news.  It first began with
} newspapers and magazines but has now invaded the airwaves and is the
} preferred style of journalists.  Evidence of this was CBS' recent news
} story 'God and Gorbachev'.  This was the 'shit of shits,' a perky
} Entertainment Tonight correspondent recently quipped.
}
} President Bush has embrassed shit with the White House News staff.
} Introduced by Reagan in the early 80's shit has been 'raised to a new
} level, consistant with the expectations of a nation in love with itself'
} staff member Lee Atwater said.
}
} In America shit has gained exceptance and is now brought into the
} livingroom every evening at 6:30pm and smeared across the great papers
} of this great nation.  At a recent press conference Gary Hart summed it
} up, giving credit where credit is due by saying 'If it weren't for the
} shit in the papers these days, I wouldn't be where I am today!'


74-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a tune going round and round in my head. It goes
>
> Dum dum dum dum diddle-iddle-um
> Diddle um-dum-dum dum dum,
> Dum-dum-dum-dum diddle-iddle-um
> Diddle-um-dm (rest) dum dum.
>
> Diddle-um-dum diddle-diddle-iddle-iddle-um
> Diddle-um-dum (rest) dum DUUUUM
> (rallentando) Dum dum diddle-diddle um dum dum
> (pause then a tempo) Diddle-um-dum (rest) dum dum.
>
> What is it? Who wrote it, and what are the words to it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually, I did.  I wrote it, yeah that's it.  It came to me one
} summer evening in a dream, yeah.  I wrote the words, the music, AND
} recorded it, that's the ticket!  It is actually a waltz and is best
} played on the ukulele Following are the words:
}
} Until we meat again
}
} My love is like lunchmeat
} He's got Oscar Meyer beaten.
} When he makes me a sandwich,
} It's for sure it will be eaten.
}
} Although he is no longer mine
} I still think of him first
} Especially at lunch time
} When I'm eating liverwurst.
}
} Thank you, thank you.


74-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>               rattle!
>
>             <****==============================(:-) ---<
>
>                                                 hisss!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      We are infinitly sorry, but the Oh Most Wise Oracle can not answer
} your question.  This is not the DRUG HELP-LINE!  Please try to have your
} questions in the FORM OF A QUESTION(!), as this makes things move along
} a lot swifter.  Thankyou, and I hope you find help....Really....
}
} As Payment the Oh Most Wise Oracle demands whatever you've been
} taking(!).


74-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't we seem to elect a vertebrate to the White House?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ORACLES TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE DON'T ELECT VERTABRATES TO THE
} WHITE HOUSE:
}
} 1.  Presidential candidates rarely make their opponents phyllum an
}     issue.
} 2.  American voters prefer breasts and thighs.
} 3.  All those vertabrate perverts should be shot!
} 4.  Vertabrates actually do get elected to the White House--the Chief
}     of Staff's first official duty is a spinalectomy.
} 5.  Only lower life-forms qualify.
} 6.  What's the White House?
} 7.  The tri-lateralist commission actually appoints the president,
}     disregarding the informed, carefully considered opinions of the
}     American public.
} 8.  The constitution prohibits it.
} 9.  Because.
} 10. No self-respecting vertabrate would consider the job.
}
} You owe the Oracle a marine invertabrate cooked in a lactic solution.
} (no tomatoes, please.  They give Us hives)


74-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the BFD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  1) Brown Fecal Deposits
}  2) Bavarian Forest Demons
}  3) BVD spelled wrong
}  4) Bowling For Dollars
}  5) Bullwinkle For Dinner
}  6) Bologna (made) From Dachsunds (didn't you always suspect?)
}  7) Boise Fire Department
}  8) Barney, Fred, Dino (the implications are staggering!)
}  9) There is no meaning -- it's just there to make you mad
} 10) Big Fucking Deal


74-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What thoughts run through a woman's mind when a man has sexual
> intercourse with her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women are reported to ponder polydimensional integral calculus while
} having intercourse.  It is believed that elegant solutions may be the
} source of multiple orgasm.
}
} You owe the Oracle two quarts of soy sauce.


74-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Mighty oracle this is an urgent question.  I need, soon, a rhyme
> having to do with mistletoe and handcuffs.  (Note- both are Secret Santa
> gifts from a girl to a girl.  Thus, no comments about using the stuff on
> Santa will apply.  Also the lucky recipient will probably be offended if
> the poem is too crude.)Thank you, Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}          Mistletoe and handcuffs
}
} Oh mistletoe, oh mistletoe, how do you
} make;asdkjflkasdjfiekldjcmbngvdjfeji
}
}
} sorry about that, let me begin again
}
} Oh mistletoe, how do you do?
} we like to handcuff you with glue.
} we hope you don't sue,
} because if you do,
} we will handcuff you too
}
}
} You owe the oracle a rhyme having to do with lawyers.


74-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the words to the national anthem of Libya?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The theme (oddly enough) is sung to a tune similar to that of
} The Gary Shandling Show.
}
} This is the national anthem of Libya
} The Libyan national anthem!
}
} This is the national anthem of Libya
} The Libyan national anthem!
}
} Momar called me up and ask me to write it
} how do you like it so far?
} It's almost halfway over
}
} Here's the part where I start to whistle:
} too too too tee tooo
} to tee too too tooo
} too too too tee tooo
} to tee too too tooo
}
} This was the national anthem of Libya
} The Libyan national anthem!
}
} This was the national anthem of Libya
} The Libyan national anthem!


74-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If money is the root of all evil, what is the square root of all evil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yes, the root of all evil is money
}
} the square root of all evil is money
}                                o   e
}                                n   n
}                                e   o
}                                yenom
}
} and the cube root of all evil is yenom
}                                 e   oo
}                                n   n n
}                               o   e  e
}                              money   y
}                              o   e  e
}                              n   n n
}                              e   oo
}                              yenom
}
} any other questions?


74-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I write all my papers in English.  However, when I go to print the final
> copy to turn them in, they invariable come out of the printer written in
> Italian.  I look at the input file -- it's English.  I have had to hire
> translators and typists to turn them in.  Why is this happening, and
> what can I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Benito Mussolini has been reincarnated as a computer virus (they ARE
} alive, by the way) and a copy of him is infecting your printer.  Call an
} exorcist, or ask O.S.  Lane to contact Superuser so he can start his own
} series of movies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a canonical list of Italian swear words with
} translations.


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