[IO]
Internet Oracle
26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:54:17 GMT

Internet Oracularities #740

Goto:
740, 740-01, 740-02, 740-03, 740-04, 740-05, 740-06, 740-07, 740-08, 740-09, 740-10


Usenet Oracularities #740    (85 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:10:54 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   740
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

740   85 votes awv93 cwld7 aqAb2 dnjn7 dove3 6hygc 8dvna 16iBn ejjo9 6dovb
740   3.0 mean  2.6   2.7   2.6   2.9   2.6   3.1   3.2   3.9   2.9   3.3


740-01    (awv93 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O electronically-inclined Oracle, who can diagnose a mainframe with
> just one glance at its registers, whose name I am unworthy of
> mentioning, please tell me:
>
> My other computer went dead a few days ago. What killed it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends, was it a PC or a MAC?
}
} Just kidding, it doesn't matter what it was, There's a 90% chance Bill
} Gates had something to do with it.  It's not like it was going to be of
} much use in the future, eh?  Anyway, there's a 5 percent chance the
} Republicans snuffed it, a 3 percent chance a fragging Liberal clobbered
} it, 1.5 percent chance the Feds caught up with it for those late-night
} IRC conversations & a .49 percent chance it committed suicide.  The
} other .01 percent? -- natural causes.
}
} You owe the Oracle the charred remains of the former computer.


740-02    (cwld7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, please tell me,
>
> Is there any cure for the summertime blues?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [deep dark voice] I'd like to help you son,  but you're [1/8 rest], too
} young to vote. [guitar chung, E chord].
}
} You owe me a five.


740-03    (aqAb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where I type in a WWW address for a home page. Does it go in Email,
> Gopher etc. For instance, to access http://www.newspage.com, what do I
> do?
>
> Signed,
> Vaklempt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a novice net surfer. Many supplicants have tried to venture into
} the html club. To gain access to the spidery World Wide Web, one must
} first visit the kingdom of Mosaic. There you'll be greeted by the Lynx,
} who was once a mighty cat, but now seems to be relegated to the
} retrieval of plain ascii files and chasing after scurrying Gophers. The
} inhabitants of the Web, often referred to as links, are a feisty and
} drunken bunch. King Mosaic often has a hard time keeping up with the
} links, who are continuously duplicating, reproducing and URLing all
} over home pages. He sometimes calls on his browsers, Netscape and more
} recently, Webrunner, to help establish some kind of order. Anyway, try
} telnet info.cern.ch and login www. And since you failed to include a
} grovel you are hereby obligated to visit my home page, the most
} epicurean site on the Web,
}       http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/index.html
}
} You owe the Oracle a good copy of Mosaic.


740-04    (dnjn7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me the answer to this question:
>
> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} life, n. 1. a small brown square, sometimes with cinnamon.


740-05    (dove3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, gracious, loving, forbearing and purple, wouldst
> thou ponder yonder question and fulfill the desires of my ever-questing
> heart by answering it in sincerity and in truth, as always:
>
> Will I ever find the right one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it can hurt to try the following:
}
}    s1 = rscan(s,'1');
}
} If the answer is NULL, then I'm afraid that there's no one for you.
}
} You owe the oracle a bit bucket to keep my 1's in.


740-06    (6hygc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's so great about Windows95?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How the Hell should I know?  It's not like it exists.  Sure there are
} beta disks out there, but did the lovely Bill Gates send me one?
} Nooooo!  I hear the Delta version will be out shortly, maybe followed
} by the Gamma, Phi, & Zelda versions.  One of the great things about
} Windows95 is the number 95.  Which indicates:
}
} 1) The number of versions it'll go thru before it's released!
} 2) The number of floppies it'll ship on.
} 3) The amount of memory (in megs) to get it to anything but crawl.
} 4) The number of hours it'll take you to get it up and running!
} 5) The number of hours it'll take you to get familiar with it.
} 6) The number of support calls you'll be making.
} 7) The number of hours you'll be on hold when making those calls.
} Attention David Letterman - Eat your heart out!
} 8) How fast your Pentium has to run (in mhtz) to get it to "perform."
} 9) The amount in $100's you'll have to spend to upgrade your hardware &
}    software.
} 10) The amount (in billions) that Bill Gates is gonna make off this
}     puppy!
}
} Er, when you used the word "great," you meant it in terms of magnitude,
} didn't you?  Otherwise your Omnipotent Oracle has just answered the
} wrong question.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest "Beta" version


740-07    (8dvna dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh rare regal immortal enlightener!
> Wisdom hires you!
> A master
> in
> Hiroglyphics, Intuition, Diplomacy. I now gently
> suplicate: Enlighten cringing revering enlightenless twit;
> Must every supplicant submit a grovel? Enlighten suplicator!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A grovel is worth quite a lot,
} When a question for Ori you've got.
} Don't do what's required,
} Ori won't be inspired,
} And your question will just be forgot(ten).
}
} So when you're submitting your queery,
} Be sure that the grovel is cheery.
} For if it's not spotted,
} You're sure to get zotted,
} And that, my dear friend, is quite eerie.
}
} So I hope now that you understand,
} Why grovelling I do demand,
} For a grovel I need,
} When your question I read,
} Whether entered from air, sea, or land.
}
} And now you know ... the rest of the story.


740-08    (16iBn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now, young man, on a scale of 1 - 100, how good is an Amiga computer?
> (taking into consideration the fact that a 1 is about as good as a
> ZX81)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In response to your question, we've performed a detailed series of
} experiments, and here are our results:
}
} (1) The Doorstop Test
}
} The ZX81 was a clear winner early on, with it's thin sloping
} corner excellent for jamming under doors and stopping them open. The
} Amiga with it's much wider profile, but periously thin plastic, was
} simply pushed aside by any door with mass greater than the door on a
} birdcage.
}
} (2) The Hamburger Test
}
} Using the two computers as a place to temporarily store a hamburger
} while our test programmer used a real machine, like a Silicon Graphics
} Indy, again resulted in a clear win for the ZX81, with its wipe-clean
} keyboard. The Amiga soon had huge amounts of sauce and fat stuck
} between its keys, but a nice herb garden sprouted after a corrobative
} experiment with an Indian takeaway.
}
} (3) The Old Joke Test
}
} Placing both computers inside glass cases with signs saying "Break
} glass in case of emergency" produced a laugh rate of 0.2LU for the ZX81
} and 0.01LU for the Amiga. A control experiment using an abacus received
} 0.7 on the laugh scale. Again, a ZX win, though the Amiga was
} unfortunate in that we did not plan an experiment measuring involuntary
} vomiting.
}
} (5) The Programming Test
}
} Having our test programmer write programs for the two machines gave a
} laugh rate of 0.95LU for the ZX81 (1K RAM) and 0.99LU for the Amiga
} (where 1.0 would indicate convulsions and death). The sole Amiga win in
} our experiments. After continuing the experiment, and switching to the
} psychotic screaming scale of measurement, the Amiga still held a
} commanding lead.
}
} (4) The Masonic Handshake Test
}
} Offering the computers in handshakes to see if they struck some secret
} signal gave null results in all countries in the world except for one,
} The United Kingdom. In the UK, while the Amiga was still ignored, the
} ZX81 resulted in much sucking of teeth, offers of three places on
} QUANGOs, and a life membership of Mensa UK. A ZX win almost by default.
}
} (5) The Boomerang Test
}
} Throwing the computers into the air with a spinning motion again showed
} clear ZX81 superiority, as it flew in a wide, smooth, circle, right
} back to our test programmer. The Amiga flew about ten feet, and landed
} in some kangaroo dung. This did result in improved growth for the
} aforementioned herb garden however.
}
} (6) The Grovelling Test
}
} Offering the two computers as gifts to The Usenet Oracle as part of
} pre-question grovelling resulted in
} AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
}
} ***NO CARRIER***


740-09    (ejjo9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think Craig is a good team leader ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Craig?  A good team leader?  Ahhh, what memories that brings back.
}
} A few years ago, back in the summer of '92 to be exact, Craig and
} I happened to take a holiday at the same place.  It was called
} "Sunnyside Country Farm", a place for people who live in the city (or
} remote Oracular palaces) to relax, unwind, and learn a bit about
} country farm life.  It is a real "City Slickers" kind of a holiday,
} only you stay on the farm instead of participating in a cattle drive.
} It was great--I thought it would be interesting to go off and be able
} to do things the way mere people do them for a week.  It does get
} tiresome having someone there to wait on you hand and foot after a
} while.  (I'm telling you this in the *strictest* of confidence of
} course!)
}
} Anyhow, we learned all sorts of things and each of us had different
} tasks to do.  Some people forked hay for the horses and learned to
} groom them, others did tasks such as churning, planting the vegetable
} garden that is used to feed the farm hands and the visitors, yet others
} of us did things like milking the cows and breaking fields for planting
} the year's crops.  One of my jobs was milking the cows, and hoo-boy,
} let me tell you, I never thought they'd stop laughing when I . . .
} *ahem* well, never mind.  You asked about Craig....
}
} Craig and I were given the task of using a team of oxen to break the
} sod in a new field.  Since it is supposed to be a working holiday, the
} plowing is done the old-fashioned way with a team of oxen and a
} hand-guided plow.  Because we're all unfamiliar with the work, they
} only have us do a small field, and assign two people to work together.
} One person guides the plow, and the other leads the team of oxen.  I
} was a bit more muscular (of course) so I took the plow, and Craig was
} the one to lead the team.  They instructed us in the basics, and we
} watched a real farm hand give us a demonstration, but Craig still had a
} problem remembering the commands used for the oxen...
}
} "Oh, Orrie, this is a lot of fun isn't it?  Gee, I'm glad..." [the
} oxen make a slow but sure right turn and are now heading across
} the center of the field]
}
} " Um, Craig, I don't think..."
}
} "Now why did they turn like that?  C'mon guys turn back this way!
} [Craig tugs at the halter-rope to no avail] "Oh, gee, why won't..."
} [The oxen turn right once more and are now heading back towards
} the end of the field they started at in the first place, only more
} towards the center]
}
} "Craig, watch what you're saying..."
}
} "Woah-didja see that Orrie?  The guys in the next field just got their
} team to plow up one row and turn and start down the next!  Why
} won't our oxen do that, and why did they just stop??"
}
} "You told them to stop."
}
} "I did not.  This isn't my fault.  They're not listening.  C'mon guys
} you need to turn left!! [Tugs hard on on halter-rope again.  Oxen
} continue standing patiently] "Gee, why won't you listen to me and turn
} left?  No!  Not right again, don't do that."
}
} "Craig, listen.  Let's switch places for a while..."
}
} "What?  You think you could do better?  HA! . . . Ouch! don't turn
} this way while I'm..  Ow!..."
}
} Fortunately, Craig wasn't badly hurt when the oxen turned left and
} knocked him over.  No broken bones, but I think his ego took a
} beating.  The farm hands did tell him that he'd created a nice
} geometric pattern in the field, but I think it will be a while before
} anyone with any sense asks him to lead the team again...
}
} You owe the Oracle . . . Oh, heck, just send Craig a book about the
} crop circles in England!


740-10    (6dovb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, Wise Oracle, enlighten me:
>
> Why do clocks run clockwise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene is this:
}
}   The Oracle is at his study viewing his computer screen,
} surrounding him is a plush study. The rich oak floor is
} covered with rare oriental silk carpets, lining the
} walls are shelves of mahogony and ironwood shelves.
} Sitting on all these shelves are uncountable numbers
} of digital clocks. The Oracle studys the question for a
} few more minutes.
}   "Lisa!" bellows Orrie. "Can you come in here please?"
}    -silence-
}   "Lisa!"
}   "All right!" shrieks a distance voice, "I was in the middle
} of baking some woodchuck cookies. What IS it?"
}   The voice grows louder as the sentence continues and with the
} last word Lisa enters the room. Over her hands are large oven
} mitts, her hair is in a 50's style beehive and she has on a large
} apron. Pinned to the apron is a small button that says "The Oracle
} loves Woodchucks- with ketchup!"
}   "Lisa, shouldn't you be wearing more than just an apron and
} ovenmitts?"
}   "Your getting off topic. Now what's the problem?"
}   "Look at this question. What the blazes is the supplicant
} talking about?"
}   Lisa leans over Orrie's shoulder,
}   "Maybe he means analog clocks."
}   The Oracle suddenly has a very sheepish look on his face.
}   "Ah right. Well done Lisa, I was just testing you."
}   She shoots him a look that says , 'yeah, right.'
}   "Ahem. That'll be all Lisa, thank you."
}   "Your not actually going to answer the question are you?"
}   "Huh? And why not?"
}   "Well the supplicant forgot to grovel!"
}   "Right. Ah, yes of course. However could I overlook a thing
} like that. Must be slipping. I blame Loki."
}   "I blame my transparent apron."
}   "Ah yes. Well." <coughs a few times, eventually composes himself>
}
}   The Oracle begins to type.
}
}   Bad supplicant! You forgot to grovel! However the Oracle is
} feeling generous today (for some odd reason) and so to answer:
}
} Because if they didn't clocks would have to run clockfoolish.
} This would subsequently make humanity aware of how silly their
} little clock watching, time-keeping, punctuality obession is
} and all of civilization would be undone. Hence the powers that
} be (Taxation departments) make sure that all analog clocks ever
} made run clockwise.
}
} You owe the Oracle an egg timer, a much better grovel, and some
} woodchuck cookies.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org