[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:06:02 GMT

Internet Oracularities #741

Goto:
741, 741-01, 741-02, 741-03, 741-04, 741-05, 741-06, 741-07, 741-08, 741-09, 741-10


Usenet Oracularities #741    (88 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 00:10:37 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   741
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

741   88 votes 4fAp8 7htob ivje6 4aruh 2lzn7 27bDt 35vuj duA72 79pwf jrhh8
741   3.2 mean  3.2   3.2   2.5   3.5   3.1   4.0   3.6   2.5   3.4   2.6


741-01    (4fAp8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, knower of all known stuff,
> Please tell me why women answer my personal ad on the Web,
> but then refuse to go farther than e-mail? Can we do "it" via e-mail,
> or is it true you need to use IRC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, another young lad coming to his own on the Internet.  Brings a tear
} to the Oracle's eye ...
}
} If you are already to E-Mail, then you surely already know about
} "finger", commonly known as "first base".
}
} Many young men before you have wondered the secret to getting past
} E-Mail, or "second base" as it's called.  You must remember that the
} girls your age are very uncomfortable going past E-Mail.  If you are
} into heavy E-Mail one night, and you attempt an unwelcome IRC (or
} "third base"), the results can be at least embarrassing and at worst
} grounds for prosecution.
}
} Simply enjoy your time in E-Mail, there is no race to IRC.  Besides,
} you can continue to lie to your friends that you've been IRC'ing for a
} long time now.
}
} The last step is SZ, or the infamous Home Plate.  Consult the Oracle
} again when you're ready for this.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "90's Guide to Dating".


741-02    (7htob dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The Oracle chomps down on his cigar as the Supplicant trembles in
} his boots.  "Speechless, huh?"  He puffs smoke in the Supplicant's
} face. "Yes, I suppose the Temple can be a little intimidating."
}
}    He points the supplicant to a solid-gold door.  "Over there is the
} Library of All Knowledge.  You ask me a question," he puffs, "and I
} can find the answer in there."  Cigar stench fills the room.  "Any
} question, though I've got my... price."  He chuckles at the last word.
}
}    He points to the another door framed by marble columns.  "This is
} the door to Olympus.  I can chat with any of the old gods from there.
} And Zeus..." He chuckles to himself.  "...Zeus, he owed me a few
} favors, got that?  Just a bit of information about some of his...
} dalliances down on Earth."
}
}    "But, THIS..." He pulls at a silk cord, which slowly pulls up a
} curtain.  "...THIS is the most important part of the temple."
} Something large, circular, and glowing blue is behind the curtain.  He
} relights his cigar from it, and puffs away.  You cough.
}
}    "Ya see, it's no good to be all-knowing if ya can't make it stick.
} This here stone..." He lightly pats it. "...is the One True Source of
} ZOT!  With it, I can send a thousand-volt jolt of electricity from
} here at my temple at the Indiana University, through the Internet,
} to anyone."  He puffs again.  Your eyes water from the stench.
}
}    He grins evilly.  "Care for a demonstration?"


741-03    (ivje6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HERE IS YOUR 'e'

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HERE IS YOUR 'zot'
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel and a question.


741-04    (4aruh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, oh wise and magnificent Oracle, who's knowledge of the
> languages surpasses all!
>
> Please tell me why the most popular and most useful words of all
> language are the expletitives and how this came about.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are really just some leftover bits of debugging code left in by
} the original developers of sentient life, to provide a way of
} troubleshooting various error conditions.  Since the current release of
} humanity is still far from bug-free, they remain a useful diagnostic
} tools, provided one has access to the appropriate documentation.
}
} To determine the error code corresponding to a particular expletive,
} simply add up the numeric value of the letters in the word or phrase,
} in octal, and take the least significant octal digit.  Here is an
} example I have chosen from an encounter you will experience in the near
} future:
}
} CODE  REASON                        EXAMPLE
}
} 0     Abnormal termination          Your girlfriend throws you out of
}       signal.                       the house.
}
} 1     Erroneous arithmetic          After you go to a bar for solace,
}       operation.                    you realize you don't have any cash.
}
} 2     Illegal instruction.          The bartender spots you sneaking
}                                     out.
}
} 3     Interrupt.                    You think you have made a clean
}                                     getaway, till a cop pulls you over.
}
} 4     Illegal memory reference.     He's the girlfriend's brother.
}
} 5     Software termination signal.  He heaves you into the back of the
}                                     squad car
}
} 6     Hardware error.               in handcuffs,
}
} 7     Reserved (system error).      where those five shots of tequila
}                                     put in a reappearance.
}
} I hope this newfound knowledge will give you the grace to remember to
} "smile when you say that," when the time comes.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of a longshoreman who knows octal.


741-05    (2lzn7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise all-knowing subject. tell me : When will I die????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. Let's calculate it out. That open tin of beans that you found
} on top of the fridge and just ate was from last week, rather than
} yesterday as you thought, and the E. Coli. Supplicasis infestation
} had reached a level of 2.2e+05 microbes per square cm. Your intestine
} has an adsorption rate for myxophalicin toxin of 4.435 mg/sec/sq. mm,
} and your heart pumps blood at a rate of 0.57litres/sec. That means
} that the toxin level available for attachment to neurotransmitter
} recptive sites in your neuronic cell membrenes is raising by 0.25%/sec,
} and should reach fatal level for a puny mortal about ..... now!
}
} Supplicant? .......... Supplicant? ............ Don't you know that
} it's rude to die just when someone is calculating your expected time
} of death.
}
} You owe The Oracle 10% of your estate.


741-06    (27bDt dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me the answer to this question:
>
> Is Keanu Reeves really God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  However, the difference is not always apparent to the uninitiated.
} I shall bring you closer to understanding of both Powers by pointing
} out some of the more important differences between God and Keanu
} Reeves:
}
} 1.)  God holds the power of Life and Death.  Keanu Reeves armwrestled
}      Death. (Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey)
}
} 2.)  God knows the fall of a sparrow.  Keanu Reeves falls from
}      airplanes. (Point Break)
}
} 3.)  God is the essence of Buddha-nature.  Keanu Reeves is just Buddha.
}      (Little Buddha)
}
} 4.)  God is infinitely loving and forgiving.  Keanu Reeves put a stake
}      through his girlfriend's heart when she left him for Dracula.
}      (Bram Stoker's Dracula)
}
} 5.)  God is the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.  Keanu Reeves is
}      Denzel Washington's evil brother.  (Much Ado About Nothing)
}
} 6.)  God saves our souls from eternal Damnation.  Keanu Reeves saves
}      buses. (Speed)
}
} 7.)  God left His Word to offer Truth through the ages.  Keanu Reeves
}      barely passed History.  (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure)
}
} 8.)  God is worshipped and loved by millions.  Keanu Reeves' lover kept
}      falling asleep.  (My Own Private Idaho)
}
} 9.)  God is all-seeing, all-knowing.  Keanu Reeves can't keep 320
}      gigabytes in his head for long without his brain blowing up.
}      (Johnny Mnemonic)
}
} 10.) In God's eyes:  "All the world's a stage, and all the men and
}      women merely players."  Keanu Reeves can't act.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bible verse containing the word "Excellent!", and
} a list of all major differences between the two Madonnas.


741-07    (35vuj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, voluminous, mammoth, gargantuan, so absolutely huge Oracle,
> please tell me...
>
> When Bill Gates has a software problem, what help desk does he call?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the answer is...<ring ring>...just a sec, gotta get the phone...
}
} (muffled, in the background)
}   Oracular Help Desk, Orrie speaking. ... Yes Bill, I understand what
}   you're asking.  Are you in front of the machine? ... And the lever is
}   in the inactive position? ... Okay, then just sit on it facing the
}   stall door and the input should be hanging from a roll on the wall to
}   your right. ... No, that should be it until the job finishes. Bye,
}   bye.
}
} ...well, as a professional I'm not permitted to reveal this
} information.
}
} Had I answered, you would have owed the Oracle a sign stating "the job
} is not finished until the paperwork is done."


741-08    (duA72 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' great and powerful Oracle who never has a bad hair day or feels
> intimidated by members of the opposite sex (whatever that may be), I
> ask your help!  A question has been troubling me for many years -
>
> Can I get radiation poisoning from sitting too close to the television?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Only if the TV is turned on. Forgive the Great Oracle's curt answer,
}  but nothing in life is without risks. The Great Oracle believes the
}  harm is minimal compared to the benefits derived from watching such
}  shows as "The Brady Bunch." The Great Oracle does draw the line at
}  "Gilligan's Island", though.


741-09    (79pwf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY ARE YOU SO FAR INTO YOUR SEX LIFE YOU DON'T NOW
> WERE TO GET IT WHEN IT ALL RUNNS OUT

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doug Lewellyn: "I'm Doug Lewellyn, and welcome to the People's Court.
} The plaintiff, The Usenet Oracle, claims that the defendant, a
} Supplicant, asked him an inappropriate question. Rather than *ZOT* him,
} the Oracle decided to seek compensation in court. This is the case of
} '*ZOT* -- NOT!'"
}
} Rusty (baliff): "All rise. Court is in session."
}
} Judge Wapner [to Oracle]: "I've read your statement and heard your
} testimony. You claim that the defendant asked you an inappropriate
} question?"
}
} Oracle [to Wapner]: "Yes, your Honor. He wasted my time."
}
} Judge Wapner: "May I see the question, please?"
}
} [The Oracle hands a sheet of pin-feed computer paper to Rusty, the
} court baliff, who hands it to Judge Wapner.]
}
} Judge Wapner: "Let's see...failure to grovel... misspelling...
} gratuitous use of sex... all-caps... incorrect grammar... improper
} punctuation." [To Supplicant] "Sir, can you explain this?"
}
} Supplicant: "I WUZ JUST ASKIN' THE 0RACLE A KWESTION."
}
} Judge Wapner: "I understand that, Sir. But how do you account for all
} these flagrant violations of Supplicant protocol?"
}
} Supplicant: "PR0T0-WHAT?"
}
} Judge Wapner: "Protocol. An established set of rules to be followed."
}
} Supplicant: "PR0T0C0L RULEZ, D00D!"
}
} Judge Wapner: "I've heard enough. I'll be back in a few minutes with my
} decision."
}
} [Cheesy theme song background music]
}
} Doug Lewellyn: "So, will the judge rule for the Oracle, or for the
} defendant? Stay tuned!"
}
} [Commercial advertisement for accident/injury case lawyer with
} moronically mnemonic toll-free phone number.]
}
} [Cheesy theme song background music]
}
} Doug Lewellyn: "And we're back. Let's see what the Judge decided."
}
} Judge Wapner [to Supplicant]: "This was an obvious case. The defendant
} clearly violated the rules established in the Usenet Oracle's FAQ. I
} find for the plaintiff." [To Supplicant] "Sir, you've violated every
} guideline in the book. I'm surprised the Oracle didn't *ZOT* you. I'm
} ordering you to grovel a thousand times."
}
} [Cut to exterior of courtroom. The Usenet Oracle walks out and joins
} Doug Lewellyn.]
}
} Doug Lewellyn [to Oracle]: "What do you think about the Judge's
} decision?"
}
} Oracle: "Exactly as I thought it would be, of course."
}
} Doug Lewellyn [winking]: "Of course. Anyway, if you'll step over there,
} Rusty has some papers for you to sign. And here comes the defendant..."
} [to Supplicant] "How do you feel about the Judge's decision, Sir?"
}
} Supplicant: "THIS SUCKS, D00D!"
}
} Doug Lewellyn [to audience]: "There you have it. And remember: if you
} have a situation you can't resolve, don't take the law into your own
} hands; you take 'em to court."
}
} Oracle [off camera]: "You owe the Oracle 1000 grovels."


741-10    (jrhh8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty and all-knowing Oracle, please help me in my quest for
> enlightenment and unfettered knowledge as it relates to frying pans.
>
> If Teflon is the least sticky substance known to man, how do they
> get it to stick to the inside of the frying pan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They line the pan with Krazy-glue first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good ol' day, before the advent of chemical
} food-ware.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org