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Internet Oracularities #743

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743, 743-01, 743-02, 743-03, 743-04, 743-05, 743-06, 743-07, 743-08, 743-09, 743-10


Usenet Oracularities #743    (98 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 09:01:37 -0500

@@@ Editor's Note:  The next digest of the Usenet Oracularities will
@@@ appear early in the week of 19 June.  None next week since I'll be
@@@ taking a bit of vacation.

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   743
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

743   98 votes hyqg5 8ppog 7pxo9 0oCt7 8nFi8 6duvi 5nyu6 6fpyi hgxlb 3mtvd
743   3.1 mean  2.6   3.2   3.0   3.2   2.9   3.4   3.1   3.4   2.9   3.3


743-01    (hyqg5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are my pants brown?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Greenjeans,
}
} Obviously, you haven't been watering them enough.  Give my
} regards to the Captain, and you owe me a bunch of carrots.
}
}       T.U.O.


743-02    (8ppog dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise whose knowledge most mortal minds boggles,
> tell me what does fiber optics have to do with beer goggles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} E'en poetic license, your syntax can't excuse.
} Capital letters, too,  you must nevermore abuse.
}
} The number of your verbs and their subjects don't agree.
} Use "do" not "does" for some optics more than three.
}
} The fibers carry queries from supplicant to Oracle.
} The beer goggles' meaning is only metaphorical.
}
} While beer oft fogs the sober mortal's seeing,
} Beer goggles clarify the drunk omniscient being.
}
} The connection between them is apparent, you see.
} Without both, you'll get no response from me.
}
} For services received, this payment is required:
} A new poetic license.  My old one has expired.


743-03    (7pxo9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I become a rich?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant who aspires to be undead,
}
} At first when I read your question, I thought you were asking for
} financial advice, until I realized, based on your foreign accent,
} that you actually want to become a *lich*.  I assume you've already
} read up and know that a lich is the animated remains of a powerful
} warlock or cleric.  But, unfortunately, you are neither of those.
} So, to become a lich, you would have to train for many years in
} these dark arts, before you could learn the skills to preserve
} your remains and haunt your domain for the years after death.
}
} The problem, of course, is that the arts of sorcery were lost 634
} years ago (The last known sorceress was burned in Surrey in 1361
} after turning one too many a peasant into a newt, and was unable
} to progress to the final stages).  And the clerics of the major
} world religions have completely purged the dark arts from their
} repertoire.
}
} So, barring your discovery, through extensive research in rare
} document libraries and ancient monastic tombs, written records
} of the correct methods (yes, *documents* detailing the dark arts
} still remain, but your probability of finding them is approxi-
} mately 0.0000624), I'm sorry to say the answer is no, you cannot
} become a lich.
}
} Sorry to disappoint you.  Nevertheless, you owe the Oracle a
} +5 mana staff of woodchuck smiting.


743-04    (0oCt7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have the downloaded the Netscape package. After installing it, when I
> executed it I get a message stating that "TCPMAN.EXE" cannot be found
> within a Trumpet Winsock window. I then downloaded winapps2.zip which
> contained Trumptel.exe but no luck. Please advise where I may get the
> missing pieces for the netscape setup.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TCPMAN is a Trumpet-Clarinet-Piano man for the required jazz ensemble.
} You now have the trumpet player; you still need the clarinet and piano
} parts.  If they're not available in winapps5.zip through winapps72.zip,
} you might try hitting a local jazz bar, ordering a beer, and talking
} with some of the musicians.
}
} The closer the trumpeter sounds to Dizzy Gallespie, the closer the
} clarinetist sounds to Benny Goodman, and the closer the pianist sounds
} to Elton John (strange tastes the Netscape people have, don't they?),
} the faster your Netscape program will run.  The computer will print
} out sheet music for background sounds for your trio.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good jazz CD.


743-05    (8nFi8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grand high Oracle, whose nose I'm not worthy to pick, I have
> searched far and wide, o'er hill and dale, and yet I am still empty
> handed.
>
> Where are my keys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are wedged between the cushions on your sofa. Also, you will find
} $0.57 in change, a koosh ball, a children's squeeky toy, a bigfoot,
} Elvis, that pesky tv remote, and the remains of a mob informant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the video "Indiana Jones and the Seat
} Cushions of Doom".


743-06    (6duvi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah-HA!  So, you think you can fool the Oracle by asking the question in
} a pitch only dogs can hear!  Well, I've got news for you!  I heard
} every word as clear as if you were yelling it in my ear.  Your question
} was:
}
} "How do I stop wetting my bed?"
}
} Well, it's easy.  Sleep on the couch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whistle only deaf dogs can hear.


743-07    (5nyu6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do people always manage to joke, and others don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy oh boy, this is a biggie. I was hoping we immportals could keep
} the answer to ourselves for a bit; you humans who don't know are such
} a laugh!
}
} Oh well, you've got to learn some time. Briefly, it's this; all the
} energy in the Universe is composed of humorous impulses; the Big Bang
} resulted when Nothingness was no longer able to keep a straight
} face. As an example, what actually happens in an atom bomb is that
} when a number of highly excitable atoms are brought close together a
} food-fight is bound to break out.
}
} Thus, all the environmental forces that shaped the evolution of the
} human race were essentially comic. The sabre-toothed tigers that
} mauled your ancestors were simply playing a bit rough. Earthquakes are
} just the planet heaving with laughter. And of course the only defence
} against joke is counter-joke, so humans evolved the ability to laugh
} at their misfortunes, and thus overcame them.
}
} Unfortunately, humour, being a fundamental force, is not easy to
} master. To laugh in the face of the cosmic joke requires a strong
} spirit, a deal of intelligence, and a willingness to distance oneself
} just that little bit from the butt of the joke, or 'reality' as
} scientists erroneoulsy call it. Not all humans measure up; those that
} don't will continue to provide the rest with hours of merriment as
} natural selection pins the 'kick me hard, I like it' notice to their
} backsides.
}
} You owe the Oracle an environmentally friendly stinkbomb.


743-08    (6fpyi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise oracle
>
> Why does my boss's Digital Notebook not work ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it doesn't work silly, it's in management! If you examine it
} carefully, you'll find that it's connected to every other machine in
} the office via a local network, and is running MICROSOFT AUTOMANAGE
} v1.02.
}
} Your bosses' notebook is currently wandering around cyberspace
} distributing virtual forms of paper to each of the office computers,
} all of which must be submitted in triplicate, asking questions like "do
} you feel that you have adequate RAM?", "how heavy is your average
} processor load?", and "please list the areas of your motherboard that
} you believe could be improved". Upon receiving the automated replies,
} your bosses' laptop will then draw a huge number of highly colourful
} pie charts, bar diagrams, and memory mind-maps, which it will print out
} on an A3 sheet colour laseprinter (which incidently none of the other
} computers have) to be hung on the wall by a secretary. It will then bin
} the results of the questionaires, and order itself another 16meg of EDO
} RAM and a MIDI interface.
}
} Next it will announce that all the computers in the main office will be
} replaced by Pentiums as 486s are now out of date (despite it having a
} 286 itself). All computers are instantly ordered to stop computing, and
} close down their hard drive immediately, and have completely clear
} memory in five microseconds. Your bosses' notebook will then cut the
} main power through an I/O interface exactly 5.1 microseconds later.
}
} Tomorrow it will leave the office, to go to an extremely expensive
} hotel in Brighton with all the other computers in Management for a
} 'bonding exercise'. All the management computers will link up together,
} and set up a pattern of socket connections in a pentagram, while a
} Super Nintendo Game Console wrapped in green tinfoil describes the use
} of astrology in deciding when to flush your cache.
}
} And for the next day, well, none of those new Pentiums have filled in
} the questionaire yet....
}
} You owe The Oracle a few hours of 'refuse container placement
} counselling'.


743-09    (hgxlb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, please tell me...
> how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes and how many snots could a hotshot zot if a hotshot could zot snot?
} The answer, you fool, is blowing in the wind... the answer is blowing
} in the wind...
}
} You owe the oracle a day in the middle of a field, standing next to a
} tall metal pole.  Then you'll truly understand the answer rumbling in
} the clouds and blowing in the wind, until it at last welds your clothes
} to your skin.


743-10    (3mtvd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose roasted Woodchuck burgers are never overdone...
>
> Do you have an FAQ list? Clearly, if there's a place where questions
> are frequently asked....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, indeed, I do have a FAQ list. Unfortunately, it's not as useful as
} it might be, since unlike most FAQ lists, it really does list the most
} frequently asked questions. Here it is:
}
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}       Questions Most Frequently Asked of the Usenet Oracle
}
}             Created: 6:23 pm, 19 April, 12,219,730,774 B.C.
}             Last Revised: 7:48 am, 7 June, 1995
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 1:
}
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 2:
}
}      How should I know?
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 3:
}
}
}         :wq
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 4:
}
}      So, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
}      Hahahaha (gasp) hahahahahahaha.
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 5:
}
}
}
}        :w
}        :wq
}        :q!
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 6:
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 7:
}
}       Are you still at that stupid computer? Cummon, Orrie,
}       come back to bed.
}
}       [Note: This question is only asked by Lisa, but she asks
}        it a lot.]
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a better crop of questioners.


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