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Internet Oracularities #744

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744, 744-01, 744-02, 744-03, 744-04, 744-05, 744-06, 744-07, 744-08, 744-09, 744-10


Usenet Oracularities #744    (94 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 11 Jun 1995 00:10:40 -0500

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   744
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

744   94 votes wlod4 7nuld 2blAo 6hzv5 3jvpg bCx93 6nym9 4etno 2nFj9 4cnzk
744   3.1 mean  2.3   3.1   3.7   3.1   3.3   2.5   3.1   3.5   3.1   3.6


744-01    (wlod4 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dcksftiz, kwhhm obr ozz-ybckwbu Cfoqzs, kvm wg hvs cttwqs piwzrwbu
> W kcfy wb awggwbu o tzccf?  Rcsg wh vojs obmhvwbu hc rc kwhv hvs piu
> wb am bskgfsorsf'g fch13 dfcufoa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lbh sbetbg lbhe i-8 ntnva, qvqa'g lbh? Lbh frr, vg'f abg gur sybbe
} gung'f zvffvat, vg'f gur jnyy. Gel fgnaqvat _hcevtug_ naq purpxvat gur
} cynpr bhg. Nyfb, gubfr ovgf bs zvffvat jnyy ner vagragvbany. Gurl'er
} pnyyrq jvaqbjf. Gurl pbzr va unaql jura lbh jnag gb qb fhpu guvatf nf:
}
}   * Purpx bhg gur jrngure
}   * Qnlqernz qhevat zbeavat zrrgvatf
}   * Yrnir gur ohvyqvat va n uheel
}   * Fgner ng crbcyr va bgure bssvpr ohvyqvatf, fbzr bs juvpu znl
}     npghnyyl or zvffvat frpgvbaf bs gur sybbe
}   * Guerngra fhvpvqr va na rssbeg gb trg n cnl envfr
}
} Lbh frr, jvgu n yvggyr jbex, gur jvaqbj pna orpbzr lbhe sevraq.
}
} Lbh bjr gur Benpyr n aba-Qibenx xrlobneq.


744-02    (7nuld dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me... well, actually, now when you mention it... I dont really
> want to know anything, I would just like to give some answers...
> So, it is you who owes me something now .. make your best offer..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The supplicant looks upwards at The Oracle expectantly, and The Oracle
} slowly gets up and walks out the back. A few minutes later The Oracle
} returns with a large shining metal tub.
}
} "Oh Wow! Oracle! What is this huge tub of the most sweetest smelling
} perfume I've ever smelt. It's, Ummmmm, Ummmmm, wonderful."
}
} "It's your payment, is it good enough?"
}
} "Oh Yes! Thank you Oracle, Thank you thank you thank you!"
}
} The supplicant skips excitedly down the path, hardly even noticing the
} weight of the tub, or Steve Kinzler walking up the path in overalls,
} carrying brushes, pails, mops etc. The Oracle turns to Steve and
} speaks.
}
} "Oh Steve, you don't need to worry about emptying the septic tank, I've
} done it already."


744-03    (2blAo dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@magic-sam.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, the sum of whose knowledge is like a vast and
> endless sea, immeasurable by mortal means, this humble supplicant would
> ask a boon of you.  It is a questions unworthy of your greatness, but
> which has nontheless been growing on my mind.
>
> It is simply this:  I have noticed that, with great regularity, people
> that call themselves "road crews" will go through great effort to close
> off all but one lane of traffic (in both directions), frequently
> spending several days placing and then removing red cones on the
> highway, in order to noisily cut a 10' x 10' hole in the pavement.
> This hole is then allowed to sit in peace for a few days, with the
> "road crews" suddenly and mysteriously absent, after which it is filled
> in, and some more red cones are put up and taken down again.  What is
> really going on here?  Is there some purpose, some cosmic meaning,
> behind this seemingly mindless activity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle can shed a little light on these issues, although
} I had to consult with the well-known ornithologist, Prof. Dr. Piet
} Buitenbroek, for some details.
}
} The nesting habits of the Orange-breasted Roadcrew (Constructus
} Menatworkus sp.) have baffled biologists for many years.  The
} animals are known to nest in flocks, preferably on hard surfaces
} such as roads and parking lots (hence their name).They mark off
} their breeding grounds with orange, cone-like droppings.  The
} function of these excrements is unknown, but they are likely to
} act as a warning to predators.  The flock then collectively
} constructs a single nest, approximately 10' x 10', one of the
} more remarkable examples of collaboration in the animal world,
} according to Prof. Buitenbroek, an expert in the ornithology of
} the Constructus family.  At times the use of simple tools has
} been observed during nest construction, but Prof. Buitenbroek
} deems it unlikely that such an animal would have sufficient
} brain capacity to use tools intelligently, and he ascribes the
} observations to chance happenings.  Apparently eggs are then
} deposited in the nest.  However, here the baffling part begins,
} for despite the fact that the Crews do not sit on their eggs and
} actually leave the breeding grounds for weeks, no eggs have thus
} far been recovered from any of these sites.  After a prolonged
} absence the animals return, and meticulously close off their
} nest, again using the tell-tale droppings.  Prof. Buitenbroek
} proclaims as his firm conviction that eggs are only deposited
} at this point, and that they are thus covered up once the nest
} is closed.  They then hatch after "a long time", thinks Prof.
} Buitenbroek.  Clearly more research is warranted in this area.
}
} Other habits of the animals observed during nestbuilding are at
} least as surprising.  Strangest perhaps is the collective
} interruption of nest building and turning of heads whenever a
} female Homo sapiens passes the nesting site.  Prof. Buitenbroek
} considers this an aggressive gesture, and he points to the low
} whistles emitted by the animals at such time as evidence.
} However, no actual attacks have been reported.  Another behavior
} pattern of interest is the habit to interrupt nest buidling for
} approximately half an hour ("Usually a little more", ventures
} Prof. Buitenbroek) around noon, during which time the animals
} appear to actually eat another form of excrement, this time
} droppings in the shape of square packages.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Orange-breasted Roadcrew egg.
} Sunny side up.


744-04    (6hzv5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Most powerful Oracle, who makes Freud look foolish, and makes Jung
>      look like a baby, can you please analyze the following dream I had
>      last night?
>
>      It started out perfectly normal, I was just walking through the
>      woods as a shortcut to the convenience store to pick up some beer
>      and Fritos. A friend of mine was walking next to me and we were
>      just chatting away. Then, instead of being in the woods, we were
>      in a movie theater watching Friday the Thirteenth part 9, the
>      Musical. Then instead of being in a movie theater, we were
>      watching it as a live play on Broadway. We left the play,
>      (actually, now there are three of us...) but instead of walking
>      into a New York evening, we were in some Medieval time period. We
>      actually strayed right into a major battle. Of course we had to
>      fight in it. I must admit, I was very good, I saved my friends' (4
>      of us now) lives several times.  When I finally vanquished the
>      commander of the other army, we were strolling back to our castle.
>      As it happened, we had to walk through the woods to get there.
>      Well, when we got to the end of the woods, we weren't at the
>      castle, we (just me and my original friend) were at the
>      convenience store. And instead of buying beer and Fritos, I bought
>      beer and Tostitos. What does it all mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like I told Carl and Siggy when they asked, just extract the
} essense of the dream, translate the symbols, and the message from
} your subconscious mind sort of jumps out at you, like this:
}
}         woods           When
}         shortcut        seeking
}         convenience     cool
}         store           spirits,
}         pick            please
}         beer            be
}         chatting        careful
}         woods           with
}         movie           monetary
}         theater         things.
}         thirteenth      This
}         musical         means
}         play            please
}         broadway        bring
}         New York        no
}         medieval        money
}         time            to
}         period          pay
}         We              with,
}         battle          but
}         vanquish        very
}         commander       calmly
}         strolling       say,
}         our             "Oh
}         castle          clever
}         as              and
}         woods           wise
}         original        Oracle,
}         friend          Fritos
}         convenience     cost
}         tostitos        too
}         does            darn
}         mean            much."
}
} I'd stick with the Tostitos.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crude cardboard sign that says,
} "Will reveal the future for Doritos."


744-05    (3jvpg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: Spiritual 911, what is your emergency?
}
} SUPPLICANT: help
}
} ORACLE: Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to be more specific.
}
} SUPPLICANT: subscribe
}
} ORACLE: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand what you are trying to tell
}         me.  Do you require guidance or assistance?
}
} SUPPLICANT: list
}
} ORACLE: I'm not quite sure what you're getting at.  Could you please
}         state your question more clearly?
}
} SUPPLICANT: info
}
} ORACLE: Sir, this line is for emergencies only.  If you need
}         information, you should call Spiritual Directory Assistance.
}
} SUPPLICANT: commands
}
} ORACLE: *sigh*...Another crank call.
}
} >CLICK<


744-06    (bCx93 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is this guy stalki

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stalky was brought to life by Rudyard Kipling in his trend-setting
} collection of stories, "Stalky & Co". It chronicles the life of a
} mischieveous bunch of public schoolkids, Stalky at the head, in the
} late nineteenth century. Although the book has many faults, and a
} rather shaky storyline, it has (like all Kipling) an immense smell of
} the period in which it was written. Many imitations followed, and
} indeed Frank Richards used almost identical characters and language in
} his boys' weeklies (Billy Bunter at Greyfriars, etc), as Orwell was
} keen to point out in his famous article in the Partisan Review.
}
} In more modern times, the film "If" was based very loosely on the book,
} although of course things were rather updated, and the famous ending
} was not at all what Kipling would have wanted: he depicts Stalky not as
} a villain, but a cynic (in the traditional sense of the word); one who
} sees through the shams of authority and is prepared to go his own way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Writers' and Artists' Yearbook.


744-07    (6nym9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have thoroughly thought over the answer to the question how a priest
> becomes one, and I have come up with an answer.  I think that people
> must go through rigourus bible teaching to become a priest.  I also
> think that they have to learn Latin and Greek.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *zzzzzzzzzt*
}
} Trebek:  Oracle?
}
} Oracle:  Um, what is a confused net newbie likely to say after
} receiving his first reply from the Usenet Oracle without having read
} the intro, and expecting to be able to carry on a meaningful dialogue
} with a single person?
}
} Trebek:  (eyes narrowed)  Could you be... more specific?
}
} Oracle:  A *freenet* newbie?
}
} Trebek:  Correct!  Oracle, you have control of the board...
}
} Oracle:  I'll take "Cosmic Questions" for $500, Alex.
}
} Trebek:  And the first answer in that column is... "42"...
} *****************
}
} You owe the Oracle a clue.  And an answer for it.  Um, a question.


744-08    (4etno dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On a package of M&Ms the experation date is listed as "May 3,
>  1995; 8:07 a.m." What happens at 8:08?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They hatch. Then they start to eat their way out of whatever they are
} in-- the box, you, etc. Sometimes the strong ones will eat their weaker
} siblings. Once they are free, they will go in search of more food.
} Once they are satiated, they will mate and build a new nest. They like
} to build their nest in warm locations, such as vending machines.
} Having built their nest, the female will fill it with new eggs.  Both
} the male and female will then turn into a sticky film of gunk and coat
} any nearby surface.
}
} You can avoid all this if you just chew them well.


744-09    (2nFj9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous Oracle, whose cornucopia of knowledge perpetually
> overfloweth, whose fount of wisdom forever sprayeth, whose monsoon of
> magnificence frequently drencheth, your humble, loyal, unworthy
> supplicant meekly solicits your ever-intelligent answer to this, my
> pathetic excuse for a question.
>
> Why do so many of your supplicants refuse to grovel in your most
> glorious presence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle was just wondering that himself.  So he went out to as The
} Man On The Net.  (Kind of like The Man On The Street, but with a LOT
} more time on his hands.)
}
} > Hey!  I know everything there is to know about everything.  If you
} > grovel a bit I'll tell you everything you want to know.
}
} To which the response was:
}
} > #@*&#@$! off
}
} (the Oracle has slightly altered the content of the response message
} just in case the supplicant should be one of the hundreds of millions
} of 10 year old boys whom Senator Exon is protecting from nasties on
} the Net.)
}
} Needless to say, the Oracle was somewhat disheartened by this
} response.  So he tried again.
}
} > My magnificence has just been compared to a monsoon.  Do you need to
} > be drenched a little bit?
}
} Response:
} > I'll have you know I've just forwarded your email to Senator Exon's
} > office, you pre-vert.  Why don't you take your deviant self off our
} > nice, clean Internet and into the dirty magazine shops where it
} > belongs?  Let us CyberNauts enjoy the Information SuperHighWay in
} > peace!
}
} A pattern is gradually forming.  Let's try just one more:
}
} > Excuse me, sir.  This is the Usenet Oracle.  Would you be so kind as
} > to participate in a study of non-grovelling behaviors among
} > supplicants?
}
} Response:
} > O|<    8->    %-P
}
} Well, the Oracle is not sure what that means, but it certainly appears
} that the media attention the Net has been receiving has not produced
} any high-quality, grovel-generating, spiffy-question-asking
} supplicants such as your highly respected self.
}
} The Oracle owes you a kinder, gentler Internet, with a thousand
} points of light twinkling on the front console.


744-10    (4cnzk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and generous Oracle, you are the light of knowledge and
> wisdom for all humanity!  I have crossed mountains, swam oceans and
> even hang-gliding so I could at last be honored by your answer.
>
> This question has tormented me since childhood -- Why can't Wiley the
> Coyote ever catch the Roadrunner, even with the most ingenius traps
> and tricks his small canine brain can devise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Coyote/Roadrunner is a metaphor for the human condition.  In this
} series, the Coyote represents the ego, where the Roadrunner represents
} the id.  The series poigniantly describes the never-ending internal
} struggle between these two aspects of everyone's personality.
}
} As with any struggle, if the two sides are not evenly matched, it will
} end soon.  Not good for ratings.  Also not good for a personality - if
} someone is all ego, they are really unbearable.  Same for id.
}
} So, while it is entertaining to watch the antics of the egomaniac
} Coyote, and the free-running, no-cares roadrunner, one must keep in
} mind the ideological...
}
} <Hold it....Net Police!>
}
} Excuse ME, I am giving a lecture.  My office hours are posted.
}
} <Look, pal, I couldn't care less about office hours.  We need to talk.>
}
} OK, ok, um, Class?  Take a 15 minute break, and return with a treatise
} on the...
}
} <NO, just dismiss them.  We have a lot of talking to do.>
}
} Right.  Class, you're dismissed, but return tomorrow with a 500 word
} essay on the juxtapositions of id and ego, with a counter....
}
} <NO.  Tell them to have a good time.>
}
} Um...
}
} <DO IT!!!>
}
} Class, have a good time, see you tomorrow.
}
} <OK, that's better.  Now, what the hell do you think you're doing?>
}
} Well, I was asked a question about the Coyote and Roadrunner, which I
} saw was clearly a metaphor for the human condition of....
}
} <Yeah, we heard all that crap.  You educrats are all the same; someone
} asks a simple question about a CARTOON, fer cryin out loud, and you
} have to make some Jungian analysis...>
}
} No, this was BF Skinner
}
} <...from what is basically a question about entertainment.  I don't
} care if it's BF Goodrich, it's irrelevent to the question asked.  This
} guy wants to know about big rubber bands, rockets, roller skates, fake
} tunnels painted on rock walls, and pianos that explode when you play a
} high 'b'.>
}
} As I said, it's a metaphor for the constant struggle between the
} aspects of the...
}
} <You don't KNOW, do you.>
}
} What?  Of course I know, if only you'd listen.
}
} <No, you really don't know.  You're just bluffing, I bet you never have
} even SEEN the show.>
}
} I'll have you know, I most certainly have!  Why just last year, at the
} Freud festival in Toledo, I went to a seminar discussing the
} psychological meanings inherent in the symbiology.  They even showed a
} clip.  It was dumb, ignoring all laws of physics.  This canine ran out
} over the edge of a cliff, and continued running until he looked down,
} when he fell.  This is obviously not possible.
}
} <I think we have identified the problem here.  Aside from being a
} pompous ass, you have no sense of humor, do you.>
}
} I minored in comparitive humor, and have published papers on the 7
} major genres of comedy.  The interactions are, I must say, quite
} interesting.
}
} <Yes, but you don't UNDERSTAND it.  It is for fun, for enjoyment.  A
} belly laugh.  Rolling on the floor laughing your ass off.  A nice
} chuckle.  A glimmer of self-recognition.>
}
} But....the metaphor!
}
} <Right, that will be all.  We are placing you under arrest.>
}
} What's the charge?
}
} <No sense of humor, felonious assault of sensibilities, and misdemeanor
} possession of a metaphor.>
}
} You owe the Oracle a burst bubble, and an Acme catalog and gift
} certificate.


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