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Internet Oracularities #745

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745, 745-01, 745-02, 745-03, 745-04, 745-05, 745-06, 745-07, 745-08, 745-09, 745-10


Usenet Oracularities #745    (91 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 1995 13:23:54 -0500

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   745
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

745   91 votes ambqm bmuk8 7ewv7 ajrmd 3llom bpti8 5ixq9 kBkb3 cikoh 7ltke
745   3.1 mean  3.3   2.9   3.2   3.1   3.5   2.9   3.2   2.3   3.2   3.1


745-01    (ambqm dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SUBSPACE DISTRESS CALL
> STARDATE MESSAGE RECEIVED: 52345.32
> SOURCE: USS HAMBUG, NCC-11744-A, NEBULA CLASS CRUISER
> PRIORITY: I-ALPHA
> TEXT:
> "This ist Captain Heidelberg from the USS Hamburg speaking!
> We are in desperate need for assistence!
> All Federation Ships please help immediatly!
> During research about a subspace rift at Kijei-213, that was reported
> by the USS Ma'chais under Andorian Commander Alasai, we found
> that this rift was a kind of gate.
> Strange creatures appear through it on the 4.planet.
> Cute and nice looking they do, we first feel not alarmed and
> continued research. Then one of our away treams found a corpse
> in the Appearence-Zone. It was a human body and the male person had
> written with his blood on his white T-shirt: BEWARE OF WOODCH...
> A Lt.JG. reported this to me over his comm-badge, somehow this
> creatures must overheard this then suddenly the start to attack my
> crew. The situation is desperate!
> The creatures seem to be protected against phaser-blasts.
> Only injections with CREAT-IV-Delta, a stimulans which increases mental
> powers for a short time seems to have a toxic effect on them.
> But there are THOUSANDS! We can impossible hypo each one.
> The gate can't be closed either.
> Please, assist us!
> If we not get help or some new ideas how to stop them, I will order
> the ship to colide with the planet in warp-flight, hoping to destroy
> the creatures, the planet and the gate!
> HELP US!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear.  The wormhole has torn open its stitches again.
}
} <Oracle picks up the phone & dials>
}
} Oracle: Q, could you please send somebody down to take a look at the
} wormhole?  Its torn itself open again, and some of those dreadful trek
} people have come through.  Yes, I know its 2am, but you're closer to
} them than I am.  Remember, I closed it last time.  Thanks so much.
}
} <Oracle hangs up phone>
}
} Oracle:  Hang on, Captain whateveryournameis.  Someone'll be down to
} put it to rights soon.  Why don't you do something no one has done
} before for a while until they get there.
}
} <Q appears on the deck of the Hamburg in a flash of light>
}
} Q: Ah, more Starfleeters!  How Dee-lightful.  Hasn't anyone taught you
} people about birth control yet?  Everytime I look up from my bowl of
} chicken noodle soup, I seem to find more of you flying around.
} You're like gnats, you are!
}
} Q: Well, I guess we bring it on ourselves.  A few appearances here and
} there and you think you can do it too.  Well, come along, little
} Starfleeters.  Get your things and I'll take you back to your dreary
} little dimension.
}
} Heidelberg:  Wait a minute, here, Q!  We're not leaving you our vessel!
} Either it goes back with us or we don't go!
}
} Q: Then maybe *you* don't go, Captain Hamburg of the Heidelburg, or do
} I have that backwards?    Your ship is being impounded as payment for
} bothering the Oracle *and* for getting me out of bed at this ungodly
} hour!
}
} Heidelberg: Well, that's our stand.  Take it or leave it.
}
} Q:  I'll leave you.  *ZOT*!
}
} (Heidelberg is reduced to a pile of white ash)
}
} Q: Anybody else want to leave it?
}
} Crew:  NO, Sir!  We're packed and ready to go!
}
} Q: Ah, yes.  There's nothing like a faithful crew.  All right, just
} click your heels together three times, saying "I was born on a pirate
} ship" while holding your tongue.
}
} Crew: We can't say that!
}
} Q: <disgusted> You're no fun anymore.  <Waves his hand>
}
} (There is a quick flash of light, and the THX emblem is proudly
} displayed for a moment, then they're gone.  Only Q is left standing on
} the bridge)
}
} (Q pushes a communicator button)
}
} Q: Oracle, we've got ourselves another Feddie ship to sell!  Same as
} always, 50-50?
}
} Oracle: Of course, but you get to keep the Captain's toupee.  Bring it
} on in, and we'll see if they've left any of those sleazy Andorian
} magazines on board.
}
} Q: Aye, Aye, Mon Oracle!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Captain Picard Pate-Polish and a
} subscription to PlayVulcan.


745-02    (bmuk8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How will I do in life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Terribly.  You'll take the vocational path, you'll land your little
} plastic car on all the squares requiring you to pay money, and you'll
} end up going broke when one of your opponents is first across the "toll
} bridge."
}
} You owe the Oracle $100,000.  With Art Linkletter's picture on it,
} please.


745-03    (7ewv7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle
> plaese tell me how to decode all the pictures on the net which are
> coded.
>
> Thanks in advance
>
> thomas

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear thomas:
}
} It isn't really hard. Most pictures are encoded in a special 3-D format
} that makes them easy to see. Simply print each page of the encoded
} document onto translucent stock, line them up in reverse order, and
} shine a bright light through the whole stack. You will see a
} wonderfully rendered 3-D image of last month's playmate.
}
} If you have trouble viewing this kind of 3-D image at first, that's
} normal. Try holding the picture close to your face, and slowly move it
} back. See whether you can keep your eyes at the same focal distance the
} whole time. Suddenly, the 3-D image will jump into view.
}
} Of course, there are a few unfortunate people who are unable to view
} these images no matter how hard they try. If you are one of these,
} you'll just have to settle for the 2-D pictures to be found at any
} larger newsstand, in the section labeled "must be 18 or older".
}
} You owe the Oracle a jpeg-to-reality converter.


745-04    (ajrmd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, when will Mr. Right come for me?  I'm desperate enough to
> except Mr. Well-at-least-he-doesn't-pee-on-the-couch (oh, long story).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle usually gets these from people (mostly men, but there have
} been exceptions) looking for Miss Right (Ms. Right, if you insist).  In
} fact, of the several dozen questions of that type that the Oracle has
} received in just the past week, over half were from men the Oracle
} knows were at least Mr. Adequate-for-you.
}
} There's no shortage of Messrs. Adequate out there.  A small subset of
} those could be described as Mr. More-or-less-Right, and there are even
} a few in your general geographical area.  There are three within
} walking distance of you right now, in fact (that is, as the Oracle
} types -- it'll be four when you first read this message).
}
} The problem is that you won't recognize them.  The Oracle could give
} you names, addresses, phone numbers, usual haunts, etc.  You'd go check
} them out and say "yecchh!" inwardly, and damn the Oracle for a mocking
} bastard.
}
} Just to make you feel worse: during your lifetime, four different
} versions of Mr. Right have asked you out, hoping for a first date.  You
} rejected all of them out of hand.
}
} Anyhow, your standards are warped, and the men you suspect of having
} potential are generally Mr. Will-piss-on-the-couch types.  Re-evaluate
} them, and give some not-quite-your-type type a chance.  You'll find
} the right one eventually, but the Oracle refuses to be more specific.
} Before the Oracle attained Its Oracular Powers It was the sort of guy
} who asked out women like you and was never given a chance, so you can
} damned well be on tenterhooks for a bit.  So there.


745-05    (3llom dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, how can I land a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you need a 10-12 pound rod and at least an 8 pound tapered line.
} A fly resembling a can of Coors generally gets good results. You should
} cast --
}
} <Orrie>
} <What is it, Lisa?>
} <That's obviously not the sort of landing this supplicant means>
} <Well, how am I supposed to know! Am I a mind-reader?>
} <Of course you are - it comes with the omniscience. How do you think
}  we're communicating now?>
} <You're right. I'll be forgetting my own head next ... So, no fly
}  fishing, eh?>
} <No, Orrie>
} <Okay - leave it to me>
}
} Right, supplicant - take two. First, you become head of NASA. Next you
} extract 20 billion dollars or so in funds from the Federal government
} and reactivate the Apollo moon program. After that, landing a man
} should be a small step for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a giant leap for mankind.


745-06    (bpti8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If You ask Yourself a question, do You need to grovel before? If so,
> what would that grovel be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first, you should have grovelled before asking me this.  But yes,
} I do, I say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it,
} people _like_ me."
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel.


745-07    (5ixq9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Ancient Oracle...Most Wise (and who is also older than dirt)..
> Please answer this poor supplicants question.....
>
> If You have been around for so long, and You know so much...
>      Who created You??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... I'm not sure I like being referred to as being "older than
} dirt". Even though I am that old, although being immortal, most Wise
} (and how nice of you to say so, too), and all around a really amazing
} sort of being, I have no use for such peculiar and limiting notions as
} *time*.  For me, yesterday is today, today is tomorrow, and tomorrow is
} next Thursday around noon.
}
} Be that as it may...
}
} You have asked as to my origin... "Who created You?" was your actual
} words (and proper capitalization, I might add... it's nice to see a
} supplicant get that right for a change).  I wish I could give you a
} easy, simple answer on that.  Steve Kinzler thinks he had something to
} do with it, and he has enough troubles coming up in his life without
} adding to them so I won't bust his bubble on that one.  It can be said,
} extremely oversimplified (!), that he has had a lot to do with the way
} I am perceived to be NOW, at this particular tick in the Grand Glactic
} Timex Clock.
}
} Of course, I've been around much MUCH longer than this... back when
} the GGTC was just getting wound up.  I was never CREATED, I just sort
} of CAME ABOUT as a result of extremely complex, highly random, and
} very wonderful set of circumstances involving:
}
} 1)    A tremendous amount of cosmic energy
} 2)    A whole lot of cosmic matter
} 3)    A woodchuck
}
} No, I'm just kidding, there really wasn't a woodchuck involved.  Nor
} was a lemur, or a lemming, or a ferret involved.  Nope.  Not a furry
} one of them.
}
} Anyway, the energy and the matter got together and in a microscopic
} portion of a billionth of a nanosecond, there was a brilliant flash of
} light and I was.  Simply that:  I was.  Right after that, I could have
} sworn I heard someone say "whoops", but I haven't been able to prove
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of Joel Furr on a platter, and a copy of
} Chuck Darwin's "The Origin of Woodchucks".


745-08    (kBkb3 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, buddy, know where I can find
> some *HOT* pix?
>
> Senator Exon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} sigh.....
}
} On the H*LL Chain Gang!
}
} Listen Satan (or whatever you are calling yourself these days)  How do
} you expect to get out of your current assignment with an attitude like
} that?  How many years has it been?  You keep whining how hot it is in
} your area but you refuse to do anything about it!  The maintanence men
} refuse to come down after the last stunt you pulled with the burned
} wood carvings from your art class.  If you expect anything to happen
} down there then by golly, act right!
}
} You have 1000 years to get your act together or you will wish you were
} back in h*ll.
}
} You owe the Oracle one freshly dug 10 x 20 garden plot and a shiny new
} pickaxe.


745-09    (cikoh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> YELLOW oracle!
> wibble wibble wibble and all that stuff young man.How are you Orrie?
> Hope you can answer this:
>
> Where is the house that Jack built?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The house that Jack built? Well, sit right down, and you'll hear a
} tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started....Sorry - got a little
} sidetracked there, been watching too many reruns...Gee whiz that Ginger
} is one hot mama....Oh, yeah, thats right, you want to know where the
} house that Jack built is presently residing.
}
} When Jack began building his domicile, he had just inherited about 10
} acres smack dab in the middle of a Kansas wheatfield.  Being a rather
} complacent fellow, Jack failed to investigate the reason why there was
} a foundation already built, without a house on top.  Just taking it for
} granted that the gods above were smiling upon him, he began to assemble
} his house.
}
} Jack hammered away for a long time, building his dreamhouse in the
} middle of Kansas, and when he completed it, as you may have already
} guessed, a tornado came and took his house away.  Being a rather
} thrifty fellow, Jack went running after it, however, there was a
} candlestick in the way that our nimble and quick hero had to jump over
} in his house chase.  After jumping over the candlestick, Jack ran into
} a girl named Jill, who went running after the house with him.
}
} Well the tornado left the house that Jack built on top of a well, on
} the top of a hill.  However, when Jack and his new wife Jill went up
} the hill,  the tornado took the house again... and you know what
} happened to Jack and Jill.
}
} After their stay in the hospital, Jack and Jill got a divorce, (they
} couldn't work together).  Jill got the car, and Jack got the house (if
} only he knew where it was).  Anyway after a long journey involving
} several giants, a pair of seven league boots, and some princesses, Jack
} got a hold of some magic beans and planted them.  After the beanstalk
} grew, Jack diligently climbed the beanstalk, went into the Giant's
} castle, stole the magic harp.  While running away from the giant, upon
} the clouds, there sat his house, where the tornado had finally left it.
}  Jack exclaimed "There's no place like home, and home is where the harp
} is!" while he rushed inside.
}
} The Giant, already mad at Jack for the horrid puns, stepped on the
} house that Jack built and squished it flat.
}
} The answer to your question is:  On the bottom of the Giant's sandle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to Fractured Fairie Tayles.


745-10    (7ltke dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and might Oracle whose paths are clothed with the humble
> submission of kings and peasants alike:
>
> Tell me how I may impress girls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, Horatio, I know it's difficult to get a crew for a British ship
} of the line these days, but this new idea of yours just isn't going
} to work. For one thing, it's illegal -- the Royal Navy will let you
} impress as many men as your press gang can find, but they have strict
} rules against doing the same thing to girls. For another, your new
} recruits are unlikely to have much experience with seamanship (imagine
} the rawest, greenest ship's boy you've got, and imagine a crew composed
} of four hundred of him), and training, even more than courage, is what
} will count when you're up against a French three-decker.
}
} A much better idea is to board an American ship or two, and press
} *their* crews. After all, what are they going to do -- start a war?
}
} You owe the Oracle a swig of rum and some ship's biscuit.


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