[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:43:43 GMT

Internet Oracularities #746

Goto:
746, 746-01, 746-02, 746-03, 746-04, 746-05, 746-06, 746-07, 746-08, 746-09, 746-10


Usenet Oracularities #746    (81 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 00:10:40 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   746
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

746   81 votes aorf5 2iltb grv61 9plga 9kpfc frs74 cbvm5 5Bfj5 ahjob 2mpei
746   2.9 mean  2.8   3.4   2.4   2.9   3.0   2.5   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.3


746-01    (aorf5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most ancient, benevolent, creative, distinguished, eloquent, famous,
> great, heavenly, inspiring, jocund, knowing, logical, magnificent,
> notable, omnicient, prestigious, qualified, reknowned, sacrosanct,
> tolerant, unquestionable, visionary, weighty, xeroxed, youthful, zesty
> Oracle, this most humble supplicant appeals to you.
>
> My question is: Am I a manifestation of the Robotic Hypertextual
> English Academic Listerve model?  As you are of course aware, in its
> most sophisticated configuration it is capable of virtual reality
> simulation which allows it to manifest itself in any way it chooses.
> Am I such a manifestation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} And pay no attention to that man tinkering with your power pack.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey.


746-02    (2iltb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who knows what the purpose of that little packet is in the
> First Aid kit, please tell me:
>
> Who was the first person to catch a communicable disease? Who from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The dubious honor of being the first to catch a communicable disease
} belongs to a cave-dweller by the name of (roughly) Phr-Bat, who lived
} in the early Pliestocene Period in what is now southern France.
} Phr-Bat's clan of cave-dwelling hunter-gatherers was the first to
} use spoken language as we know it today.  Before this time, there
} were no names for diseases, so that they were of necessity difficult
} if not impossible to communicate.
}
} As for who gave Phr-Bat the first communicable disease, the Oracle is
} fairly certain that it was one of the clan's more promiscuous young
} women.  Therefore, when Phr-Bat's wife used the marvelous new invention
} of spoken language to inquire just how he came by the first
} communicable disease, Phr-Bat also achieved the distinction of being
} the first man to lie to his wife.
}
} Unfortunately, Phr-Bat met an untimely end when his wife asked (again
} for the first time in history), "Do you think this caribou skin
} makes me look fat?".  As far as the Oracle knows, a satisfactory
} response to this question still does not exist, in any language.
}
} You owe us an autographed copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves".


746-03    (grv61 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and knowledgeable Oracle, I have accumulated
> several slightly used jockstraps (I'd rather not go into
> how this came about).  Could you please suggest some good
> uses I can put them to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need not reveal where they came from.  We can only imagine what
} else a junior high school custodian accumulates while cleaning out the
} lockers at the beginning of summer vacation.
}
} I asked His Royal Highness, and Chuck told me he would like to have
} them to store his diamonds, rubies, emeralds, etc.  He couldn't think
} of anything else.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10% finder's fee.  How many is 10% of several?


746-04    (9plga dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Mighty Oracle, the most Extended Memory Manager, tell me:
>
>      Why do people in movies slip on banana peels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Well, suplicant, that's a very complicated question. To understand the
} answer we have to go all the way back to---WAAAHH!!
}
} ~!@@#$###@%%#$%%$#$%$^^%%$^$^%^^%^%^%%$$%%%^%%&&%^^%%&^&^%^%%^&^^%%&^&^*
}
} DISC FAILURE
}
} NO CARRIER


746-05    (9kpfc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha!  When I first saw this request, I almost snapped the answer "Hey
} look!  Kurt Cobane's skull contents!" but then it suddenly occured to
} me to hold the computer screen up to a warm light bulb.  Sure enough, a
} faint brown message slowly became visible!  Aha!  The old invisible ink
} on the computer screen trick!
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}  Usenet Agent "Blackout" to T.U.O.
}
}  Classification: TOP SECRET.
}
}  Password:  "How many chucks before the woodchuck passes in
}  woodchuck-ball?"
}
}  Grovel:  O Great T.U.O who's eyes I am hardly worth to be;
}
}  Question:  After extensive searching of the net I finally managed to
} track Them down to Their secret HQ. As you thought, the Organisation is
} more far reaching and insinuated into society than anyone ever thought
} possible!
}
} I have sent this message in invisible ink to try to minimise the risk
} of interception, but Their prying eyes are everywhere.  I have no great
} trust that it will not be intercepted and deciphered.  Therefore there
} is a self destruct mechanism that will melt the motherboard of any
} computer receiving this message unless the usual anti-chuck words are
} typed in.
}
} It appears that They have access to almost every computer linked to the
} internet!  I've found Their characteristic traces in machines owned by
} universities, governments, local authorities, private users , companies
} and even our own mundane devises (Thank Your divineness for our great
} security systems that They haven't gained access to the Oracular
} computers!)!
}
} As yet They only seem to be interested in observing and monitoring the
} net, but Their hold is such that they could easily censure and control
} access of it all! Be warned, everything put onto the net will and has
} been seen!
}
} The worst manifestation of Their power is a weird newsgroup claiming to
} be the "Oracle"!  Apparently "supplicants" ask "questions" and get
} pseudo-entertaining "answers" back.  They most "entertaining" of these
} "answers" are compiled into weekly digests and published.
}
} Attempts to decipher any codes within these "Oracularities" by our
} computers have been unsuccessful.  Current theories have it that they
} are some sort of communication device for the Organisation or a way for
} Them to reduce productivity in the workplace.
}
} Its obvious that they have some idea of how our own organisation works.
}
} This is alarming!  Our own attempts to subvert the internet are far
} from vcomplete as yet.  I suggest that we step up the proces to phase
} four and implement a policy of anti-productivity and disinformation,
} especially where it comes to newsgroups.
}
} **It is IMPERITIVE that They do not realise that They are themselves
} being observed!  Such a discovery could send Them over the edge with
} disasterous results!  ON NO ACCOUNT SHOULD THIS MESSAGE GO ANYWHERE
} NEAR THE ORACULARITIES!**
}
} My question is:  What do you want me to do now?
}
} Message ends: 5...4...3...2...1...<ZOT>
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Oops!  Heh, Heh!  I guess I shouldn't have put that on there!
}
} You owe the Oracle details of what the other hand is doing and a real
} question.


746-06    (frs74 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, before whom the deep secrets ofinternational currency
> markets and interest rates are as nought, who even knows how to
> choose a well-performing mutual fund and write off the income
> as a donation to the Save the Walrus Foundation, can you
> elucidate for me the process of arbitrage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, little buddy, I don't really know.  What do you think, professor?
}
} On the top of 1100 televisions across the United States, there is a
} small electronic box that monitors and records which channel the
} residents are watching.  The ones with big numbers stay on, and the
} ones with little numbers are syndicated to third world countries.
}
} Oo, oo, professor, can you make us a TV?
}
} Well, I don't know, Gilligan.  A television is a very complicated
} electronic device.  Maybe with the watersoaked remains of the ship's
} radio, a cracked porthole, and some bananna leaves...
}
} You owe the Oracle a bigger antenna.  I couldn't tell through the
} static if you said arbitrage or Arbitron.  Maybe Mr. Howell knows...


746-07    (cbvm5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *tsk* *tsk* *tsk*
}
} Next time, kindly refrain from expiring BEFORE I zot you.
}
} It takes all the sport out of it!
}
} --
} The Usenet Oracle       oracle@cs.indiana.edu
} Zotting supplicants since 1989!


746-08    (5Bfj5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, Whose books have out sold all the best sellers over
> the last few centruies,
>
> Why do movie theaters tack on soo many cheap "previews" to the first
> ten minutes of the movie??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeez. Lemme take care of that.
}
} [dials]...
} Yo, Chuck? Yeah. The guys on the projectors are slacking off. Tell 'em
} if they get caught running less than fifteen minutes of trailers again,
} I'll personally go over there and, well, you know. Got that?
} [click]
}
} Hey, thanks for letting me know. Gotta watch those bozos like a hawk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a huge tub of popcorn.


746-09    (ahjob dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who's little tidbits of wisdom add up to a humungous
> philisophical goulash, please grant me a tiny morsel;
>
> How much is that dog-gy in the win-dow?
> The one with the wag-gly tail?
> How much is that dog-gy in the win-dow?
> I do hope that bow-wow's for sale!
>
> The question instantly arises is what does a dog eared version of
> Windows cost, how DO you install a doggy into Windows and how do you
> upkeep it?
>
> I mean, what does a Dog vK9.0 (woof) system eat?  Do you feed it
> software, like slippers, and hardware, like bones, through the drive
> slots?  I don't think I could even get a dog biscuit through mine.
> What if it gets hungry and starts rooting through the trash for the
> discards? What if it howls at the After Dark screen saver?
>
> And what about exercise?  I know they like to chase floppy disks and
> frizbees, but what do you do if it starts scratching at the ethernet
> gateway with the power lead in it's mouth?  I don't think my computer
> can take trudging through the rain.
>
> Most importantly though is how do you computer train it?  How do you
> train it not to leave corrupted bits (you know!) all over system.  How
> do you stop it from running onto the Information Superhighway and
> getting bowled?  You con't very well pat it on the console if it's been
> good or roll up a news file if it's been bad.
>
> I suppose I could take it to obedience school and teach it commands
> like "find" or ".exe" or "shut down", but I'd feel so embarrassed
> dragging an unwilling computer to obedience school, then have it run
> around, sniffing the real dogs' private parts, soiling it's
> input/output ports and wagging it's power cord. Imagine the shock some
> poor fellow dog would get from that!  What's more, imagine the uproar
> when I say that I keep Doggy in a pull-down menu and sometimes have to
> re-boot it to get it to do what I want!
>
> Please help me!  Are the problems above solvable or do I risk a Lynx
> program instead (self installing to a window framework) and gamble on
> not having cat and mouse problems?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't pay more than $100 for a dog-eared version of Windows.
} Actually, avoid it if you can.
}
} The DOG (Data Organiser for Gardeners) system v K9.0 is a wonderful
} little package from GreenLeaves Inc.  It is easily installed.  There
} are a number of icons associated with it.
}
} The icon for the program itself is a cute little dog (naturally).  The
} data is kept in the dog-bowl icon.  A double click on this gets you to
} the directory, where each data file is represented by a bone icon.  To
} run the program, just drag one of the bones to the dog and drop it.
}
} The beta version encountered some problems when run with After Dark,
} but I am assured by the developers this bug has been fixed.
}
} The program comes with a very good tutorial (the leash icon).  At the
} end of the tutorial, you can go through some exercises to see how well
} you did.
}
} If too many data files are processed at once, the DOG will leave
} behind temporary work files (doggy doo icons).  To remove these,
} run the cleanup program (pooper scooper icon).  The developers
} say this will be fixed in the next release.
}
} Also to come in a future release is the ability to transfer files
} across phone lines without the need for a separate program.  In a
} sneak preview I saw, the "send" function (stick icon) was working,
} but there were problems with the "receive" function (slippers icon).
}
} Problems were experienced when the system encountered files from a
} previous version.  To find out if any old files are compatible, drag
} the old data file (bone icon) to the version checker (dog head icon).
} If it is compatible, the icon will change to a wagging tail and the
} file will be placed in a separate folder (mound of dirt icon),
} otherwise it is deleted.  You can later check whether or not you
} want to keep the older files.
}
} Unfortunately, the unwieldy pull-down menu system of the previous
} version has stayed, spoiling an otherwise good package.  I didn't
} have to reboot the system at all.
}
} Overall, this is a very good system.  Highly recommended.
}
} You owe the Oracle the next version of DOG.


746-10    (2mpei dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get in contact with the politicians in the EC-parlament.
> e-mail adresses are reqiuested.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracular Text Scanner v609598715.4:
} BEGIN RUN:
} Error: typographical error ratio (3/16) exceeds accepted maximum
} (2/15).
}
} Incorrect words:    Suggested corrections:
} "parlament"         "parlor lament"
} "adresses"          "undresses"
} "reqiuested"        "rejected"
}
} Corrected question follows:
} "How can I get in contact with the politicians in the EC-parlor lament.
} e-mail undresses are rejected."
}
} Translating Supplicantese into English...
} Translation follows:
} "How can I touch the monkeys in high places? Lewd e-mail is
} unacceptable."
}
} Looking up answer in Oracular Database...
} Answer follows:
} "*KHROG!*"
}
} Translating Oracular answer into Supplicantese...
} Translation follows:
} "*ZOT!*"
}
} Blaratu kyo Oerink'l sclomeri peringu.
} (Translation: "You owe the Oracle a better translator.")


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org