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Internet Oracularities #747

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Usenet Oracularities #747    (71 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 24 Jun 1995 00:10:49 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   747
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

747   71 votes effk7 6knk2 6evf5 4ggle 1jgnc epef3 4cmo9 4eok9 cgalc 22iez
747   3.2 mean  2.9   2.9   3.0   3.4   3.4   2.5   3.3   3.2   3.1   4.1


747-01    (effk7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O exquisitely dressed Oracle, whose One True Name anagrams into
> everyone else's, please tell me:
>
> Who is the person known as "Ireland's Eighth Wonderful Wonder"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, lad, she is none other than Fiona Ritchie, host of the *Thistle and
} Shamrock.*  Saint Fiona, Our Lady of A Thousand Reels and Jigs, or the
} Blessed Fi, as we sometimes call her, has been known to appear to
} Irish-Americans who get too far into their cups a-longing for the
} homeland.  They grab a Waterford tumbler, fill it up with good Oirish
} Whiskey, which is the nectar of the goddess, don't you know, they drink
} of the elixir, and the Blessed Fi appears to them in a vision.
}
} She is standing over a divided Dublin, holding a palm of Peace to
} England, a feather of hope to Gerry Adams, and the holy guitar to
} leather-clad members of U2.  She has one foot on the back of Colm
} Meaney, representing dominion over Star Trek and the Commitments, and
} her other foot rests beside a fallen Sinead O'Connor and a chastened
} Daniel Day-Lewis.
}
} She is surrounded by a halo containing a compact disc of the Chieftans
} performing with the Boston Pops, a video tape of the movie "Blown
} Away," and a box of Lucky Charms.
}
} You must worship her, oh lad or lassie, for she is holy.  Blessed be
} the name of Saint Fiona.
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of somethin' you drew with your *right*
} foot, a map of Boston, and a pint of Guinness.


747-02    (6knk2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You will not graduate and you have no chance of winning the Texas
> lottery or andy lottery for that matter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa: What were the last words of Sam Houston's undergraduate advisor?
}
} Alex Trebek: No, sorry. Anyone else?
}
} Cecil Adams: What three incorrect statements have been made by Marilyn
}  Vos Savant in the past week?
}
} Alex Trebek: Um, no. Yes, Oracle?
}
} Oracle: What will happen if I quit my job at the graduated cylinder
}  factory, and instead submit my name to all of the random drawings
}  they're currently holding to select people for various jobs, including
}  Governor of Texas, and Andy Richter's replacement on the Conan O'Brien
}  program?
}
} Alex Trebek: Correct. Pick a category.
}
} Oracle: I'll take "Misdirected Answers" for $200, Alex.
}
} You owe the Oracle over $50,000 in cash and prizes.


747-03    (6evf5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Omniscient Oracle...
>
> I know there's an Oracle FAQ, but is there an Oracle SAQ (Seldom Asked
> Questions)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   If there was one, the list would be huge, not only because there are
} so many questions that could be asked, but also because the general
} public has no imagination and hasn't even made a dent in the supply of
} un- or never-asked questions. Believe me, it isn't because they know
} the answers.
}
}   However, just so you won't go home empty-handed, here is a list of
} under-utilized questions regarding marmots. I chose this list for you
} because there is only ONE question, about ONE kind of marmot, that
} anyone ever asks me (which I have, of course, omitted). I could use a
} little variety, you know.
}
}   What kinds of marmots are there?
}   Where can marmots be found in North America?
}   What does a marmot's diet consist of?
}   What does marmot meat taste like?
}   How long do marmots hibernate?
}   What kind of bedding material do they use?
}   Do marmots lay eggs?
}   What is the gestation period for a marmot?
}   How many pups will a marmot have per litter?
}   How can I rid my yard of marmots?
}   I don't have the ability to zot. How else can I rid my yard of
}     marmots?
}   How intelligent are marmots?
}   Can I train a marmot to ride a motorcycle?
}   Would a marmot make a good motorcycle jacket?
}   How much marmot venom would it take to kill a man?
}   Where can I find the constellation Marmota in the night sky?
}   If Superman and a marmot got in a fist fight, who would win?
}   Are there any closet marmots in the U.S. Senate?
}   How far could the Missouri's 16-inch guns fire a marmot?
}
} That ought to do it. Don't even THINK of asking that other question.
}
} You owe the Oracle six more weeks of spring.


747-04    (4ggle dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise all-knowing Oracle of the Net!
> Tell me.:
> Why can I only take very small steps,
> when I have bought a pair of shoes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Truly, your question touches upon the deepest mysteries of the nature
} of the physical universe.
}
} The process of shoe generation, like many events in physics, has about
} it a certain symmetry.  Just as a passing gamma ray sometimes produces
} an electron and an anti-electron, the colossal cosmic energies which
} lead to shoe creation precipitate the formation of both a shoe and an
} anti-shoe.  This fact explains why shoes nearly always occur in pairs,
} and why the two shoes in a pair are mirror images of each other.
}
} Most pairs of shoes, once produced, quickly come together and
} annihilate in a burst of radiation.  Indeed, in the early universe,
} shoes rarely if ever existed for more than a fraction of a second
} (which is why artists typically portray Adam and Eve as going
} barefoot). However, as the great physicist George Reebok suggested in
} the mid-1970's, shoe production occasionally occurred very near to the
} event horizon of a black hole.  In these cases, one shoe would be
} sucked into the hole, while the other shoe would be spun out of the
} vicinity, to be thrown willy-nilly across the voids of space.  These
} unmatched "cosmic shoes" sometimes enter the planet's atmosphere and
} fall to earth, where they are often seen on the sides of highways.
}
} Although shoes have stabilized somewhat due to the cooling of the
} universe, there is still a strong attractive force between a shoe and
} its anti-shoe.  This force is mediated by a spin-1 particle known as a
} futon (an English corruption of the original German "fuSSon").
} Futon exchange is readily observed among the bins of shoes found at
} K-Mart, which contain the raw by-products of high-energy boot
} collisions.
}
} The force impeding your steps is due to the exchange of futons between
} the shoe and its anti-shoe.  The exchange usually manifests itself as
} a stream of white plastic-like particles.  The solution to your
} problem is to increase the potential energy between the shoes by
} pulling them apart; this will reduce the attraction and make walking
} easier.  Since you must add a complete quantum of energy before the
} futon exchange slackens, do not be surprised if the shoes resist
} strongly, then "snap apart" all at once.
}
} The manufacturers of more expensive shoes usually provide the
} necessary increase in potential energy before shipping.  However, the
} Oracle has it on good authority that a few discount shoe manufacturers
} are instead breaking the shoe/anti-shoe symmetry by a dastardly and
} highly secretive method.  When a pair of socks is raised to high
} energies (e.g. by being heated and tossed in the dryer), it is fairly
} easy to destroy one of the socks entirely; the energy released by
} breaking the sock-symmetry is enough to separate several shoe pairs.
} Hence, certain companies are quietly destroying socks in the world's
} dryers in order to support their shoe separation facilities.  The
} result is a lot of missing socks and terrible consternation among sock
} owners, all for a few cents' reduction in the price of shoes.  The
} Oracle is frankly disgusted.
}
} We hope that our explanation has clarified your problem.  You owe
} the Oracle a pair of Doc Martens - size 10D, please.


747-05    (1jgnc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and omniscient Oracle, who knows the deepest mysteries of
> the universe, pray tell me ....
>
> why does no-one ever notice that Superman is really Clarke Kent
> without his glasses on.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the entire world knows that Superman and Clarke Kent are
} one and the same.  That is, the entire world, except for Lois Lane.
} Its a test being done by the CIA to determine if the whole world
} can be made to keep a secret from a single individual.
}
} It is the Oracle's understanding that a similar project is being
} performed simultaneously with the Superman project to determine if
} Bill Clinton can be prevented from knowing that he really doesn't
} have a clue.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bright red cape.


747-06    (epef3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and porcine Oracle, whose largeness is most becoming, please
> tell me:
>
> Why to pigs have curly tails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pigs v2.0 feature windup keys in the form of curly tails, in case of
} battery failure. Pigs v1.0 did not feature tails at all; thus no
} working copies exist.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 'D' cells, and some mud.


747-07    (4cmo9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE SECOND DIFFERENTIAL OF THIS EQUATION....
>
> Y= 7X'5 + 4X'3 + 1.5X'7 - 6X + 3
>
> WHERE '5 '3 ETC REPRESENTS THE POWER E.G. SQUARED CUBED ETC..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That particular 1992 Ford Equation, with the VIN (Vehicle
} Identification Number) "Y= 7X'5 + 4X'3 + 1.5X'7 - 6X + 3"
} was originally equipped with the optional limited-slip rear
} differential model LS-300, but after about 40,000 miles, it
} started to lock up in tight corners, acting like a welded
} rear-end ("poor mans positraction.")  This was common for the
} LS-300 in 92 (due to a design flaw), so Ford recalled all
} the 92 Equations that had that differential in 94.  They
} replaced it with the LS-400.  The design of the LS-300 has
} since been corrected, and new Equations have the improved
} version, now called the LS-310.  Some Equations that were
} missed in the recall are now being fitted with the LS-310
} as well.
}
} I can see why you might be confused, with three different
} rear-differentials used in late-model Equations, so it was
} wise of you to ask me.  The previous owner of your particular
} car brought it in for the repair before the flaw in the LS-300
} was corrected, so the second differential of your Equation
} is an LS-400.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sales brochure for the new 96 Acura
} Integral.


747-08    (4eok9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From New Scientist, 28 August 93, Feedback column:
>
> "The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
> personal

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A. Supplicant
} No-fixed-abode,
} Cricklewood common,
} England.
}
} Sir,
}     your most recent transaction with The Oracle Bank Ltd
} contravened the existing rules in two ways. Firstly, the Obligatory
} Preamble, as specified in Section 3 paragraph 7 of the Supplicant
} Agreement of 1994 was missing. This Obligatory Preamble
} (hereinafter referre to as 'The Grovel') is necessary for all
} transactions, and therefor our staff have been unable to process
} your request. A Missing Grovel Fee of 15 has been applied to your
} account.
}
} Furthermore, our staff noticed that the remainder of the request
} was not a valid question, as specified in Section 4, paragraphs 3
} to 11 of the Supplicant Agreement. The standard Non-Question Fee of
} 25 has also been applied to your account.
}
} These fees put your account into overdraft, and therefor a 30
} Unarranged Overdraft Entry Fee, as specified in Section 6, paragraph
} 9 of the Supplicant Agreement has been applied.
}
} As stipulated in Section 7, paragraph 23 of the Supplicant
} Agreement, an Unarranged Overdraft Fee of 5 per day will be applied
} until your account is brought back into credit.
}
} We have charged you 15 for writing you this letter, as specified
} in Section 9, paragraph 2 of the Supplicant Agreement.
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
}                 T.U. Oracle,
}                 Manager,
}                 The Oracle Bank Ltd.


747-09    (cgalc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O well-informed Oracle, whose every comment is both serious and
> amusing, whose used toilet paper I am unworthy of recycling, please
> tell me:
>
> What makes humor so darned funny anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISA:  Hi, this is Lisa.  Sorry about all the noise.  Things are a bit
} hectic right now.  You see the Oracle and Miss Manners had a little
} disagreement over which fork to use so they are battling it out in
} challenge wrestling match, best three falls out of five.
}
}          [crash, thud, "AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"]
}
} LISA:  My goodness, Jeeves, what was that?
}
} JEEVES:  The Oracle just caught Miss Manners in a flying body slam.
}
} LISA:  Wow!
}
} JEEVES:  Don't worry, Miss.  She bounced off her hairdo and landed on
} her feet.  I did think she was going to lose her pearls though.
}
} LISA:  Well, keep an eye on them.  I have a supplicant to take care of.
} Now where was I, oh yes, humor being so darn funny....
}
}          [thump, bang, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, SCREEEEEEEEECH!!!"]
}
} LISA:  Now what?
}
} JEEVES:  Miss Manners has the Oracle in a figure-four-leg-lock.  Should
} I intervene?
}
}           [ring,....,ring,.....]
}
} LISA:  Answer the phone first, please.
}
} JEEVES:  It's Ann Landers, Ma'am.  She and Dear Abby want to challenge
} the Oracle and Miss Manners to a tag team match over that little
} incident with the meatloaf and the unwed mother.
}
}           ["We accept!"]
}           ["Not without an engraved invitation."]
}           ["Hey, watch it with those high heels."]
}           ["Well, you keep those laurel leaves out of my eyes."]
}           ["Look, Lady, if you'd stop hitting me with your purse, I
}             might."]
}           ["That's Miss Lady to you."]
}           [crash, boom, thud]
}
} LISA:  Um, I think we'd better go now.  Try asking your question a
} little later when things have calmed down.  By the way, you owe the
} Oracle a bottle of liniment and Miss Manners a hand-written apology (in
} blue-black ink on white writing paper).


747-10    (22iez dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> alt.usenet.oracle.omnicient.beneficent.merciful
> alt.profuse.grovel.praise.flatter.compliment
> alt.unworthy.supplicant.bow.scrape.genuflect
> alt.humble.question.beg.give.answer:
>
> alt.arcane.newsgroups.read.write.post
> alt.stylized.writing.use.misuse.abuse
> alt.futile.struggle.strive.stop.cease?
>
> alt.crazy.mind.going.going.gone
> alt.quick.help.need.require.desire
> alt.eternal.gratitude.give.give.give

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} talk.problem.simple
} news.groups.alt.too.many.reading
} rec.nervous.making.you
}
} humanities.common.in.name.of
} comp.your.turn.off
} soc.life.get
} misc.with.beings.human.other
}
} sci.some.people...
}
} biz.you.oracle.owe.quid.ten


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