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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who is responsible for this atrocity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Naturally, I assume you are referring the fact that Grape Nuts (tm) } absorb twelve times their own weight in milk.  I humbly apologize if you } do not appreciate this safety feature which I specifically designed into } the cereal.  Suppose you were to fix yourself a nice bowl of Grape Nuts, } then the phone rang.  While you are away, an earthquake hits, upsetting } your kitchen table, and also your nutritious breakfast.  Had you been } eating any other cereal, your floor would now be awash in milk, forcing } you to undertake a massive cleanup operation.  But, thanks to the } absorbent properties of those initially crunchy Grape Nuts, the contents } of your bowl will remain in a nice, neat clump.  I am currently working } on a way for the user to control the time delay before this absorbing } action begins.  Currently, it is only 20 seconds. } } You owe the oracle a 20-pack of Chicken McNuggets, mustard sauce } preferred

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Deah suh: > Do you like movies with gladiators?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deah suh: } }  Y'all is possessed of the most disgustin' mahnd that I have evah had } the misfoahtune to encountah in mah entiiayah laahf.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> sigh.. bored bored bored...  GOD I'm bored...  Nothing to do at all... > > Any suggestions? > >                               -bored (gee, you never THAT coming, huh?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha, so you're bored.  Let's see, things that you can do: } }  o Write a love letter to George Bush, mentioning that you want to have } his baby, [this one is especially good if you are male.] } }  o Post to rec.humor asking what that "rot-13" means, and why those } posts look so silly.  {Don't forget to mention that you love the Oracle } and want him around forever.} If you receive less than 250 flames, mail } again, but this time crosspost to rec.misc., comp.misc, and rec.humor.d. }  Whatever you do, don't apologize for crossposting.  It's there fault } for not sending you enough replies in the first place, right? } }  o Ask your system administrator why *s/he* has more disk space than you } do.  I mean, who does s/he think s/he is, anyway, right? } }  o Take off all of your clothes and go visit your library.  Go to the } counter and ask for the "Joy of Sex." Make sure to mention that you and } your SO were in the middle of things when you got into an arguement } about which position is more fun, only you need the manual to remember } how to do some of them. } }  o Sign up for a class in 'Sign Language' and then show up the first day } wearing a Walkman.  Don't forget to wear your tennies! } }  o Watch a movie.  Go see the new Back to the Future movie.  Review it } on rec.arts.movies, just like everyone else on the net. } } } You owe the Oracle one year of your undivided attention.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really the only person who likes shoelaces to the point of > fixation?  If not, is there a fan club I could contact?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shoelace fetishism is really quite common .  In fact, a recent survey } among CS students at a major university showed that 86 % had at least } once had a sexual fantasy involving shoelaces, 64 % occasionally used } shoelaces to enhance sexual experinces, 20 % were obsessed with them and } 2 % spent all their waking hours thinking of shoelaces. } } The Oracle also used to know a certain girl who got so turned on by shoe } laces that she made a shirt of shoelaces and wore it to class, without } anything under it.  She got tremendous satisfaction out of this until } one day the guy behind her noticed a loose end and pulled... } } As for fan clubs, there is one at most campuses throughout the USA, for } example the Shoelace Appreciation Club (sigma alpha kappa) at Purdue. } The subject is also discussed in the newsgroup } Alt.sex.bestiality.shoelace

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How the hell did you get to be Oracle anyways??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I went to the Oracular University where I got a meaningless piece of } paper that certified that I indeed did know everything (much to the } surprise of my parents and friends).  Then I interned at various other } oracular presences, working on my presentation skills.  Finally I } replied to a want ad in a particular Indiana newspaper that read: } } Wanted -- Oracle } Must be clean, neat, and tasteless. } Call LISA, 555-1248 } } You owe the oracle a yellow pages entry.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was at primary school, some child psychologists came around and > made us all do lots of spelling test.  After, they checked us to see > whether our left or right eye winked the best.  What did they think they > were doing?  I wink best with my right eye.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This means you're a left brain flirt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gosh darn it!  Why do I burp whenever I see a pretty gurl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your brain has a hardware fault.  The nerve that is supposed to go to } your naughty bits is obviously connected to your stomach muscles as } well, or instead.  Go back to your manufacturer for a refund.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 (____) >      -----------| oo | >     /|           \  / >    / |          | --   --- MOO! >   *  ||W-------|| >      ~~        ~~

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question!  Next time he's fondling your "W", give him a good swift } kick to the head with your "~". } } You owe the Oracle an udderly fantastic steak.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a goldfish sitting in a tree? > Am I a molecule of ATP? > Am I a gator standing on a gate? > Am I allowed to be two hours late?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Said the whipporwill to the goldfish, sitting by the gate, } "Purple argyle sweaters--those are your fate." } Alas, I see, and behold from afar, } Molecules of ATP, DNA, and protein in a jar. } } The question of existance, you have posed to me, } Whether alligator, guinea pig, armadillo, or flea? } "Neither, nonce, shall ye be!" (The oracle, he spake) } "Take your silly mortal head, and drench it in a lake!" } } The truth of the matter, } (it should be plain to see) } Is that I am thou, } And thou art clearly me. } } Wondering why you asked? } } You owe the oracle an existential feeling of ennui, and two hours of our } time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since everything on the net seems to be called something with periods in > (e.g.  net.bandwidth, net.czar, net.sex.goddess), why are you the Usenet > Oracle and not the usenet.oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We're simply "oracle" because Usenet is too limiting.  This link to the } Oracle is on Usenet, but that's not all we're confined to.  We have } connections to the original Oracle at Delphi (who sat over lava cracks } and got high from the fumes and thus gave good answers), the Oracles in } China (who sit crosslegged and meditate to get the answers), and then } there's me, the Oracle annex at U.C.  San Diego, who does bong tokes to } get the answers.  I'll shroom for exceptionally difficult questions. } But not during finals week. } } You owe the Oracle something borrowed (my sister is getting married.)