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Internet Oracularities #75

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75, 75-01, 75-02, 75-03, 75-04, 75-05, 75-06, 75-07, 75-08, 75-09, 75-10


Usenet Oracularities #75
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 8 Dec 89 19:10:56 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.
Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


75-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who is responsible for this atrocity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Naturally, I assume you are referring the fact that Grape Nuts (tm)
} absorb twelve times their own weight in milk.  I humbly apologize if you
} do not appreciate this safety feature which I specifically designed into
} the cereal.  Suppose you were to fix yourself a nice bowl of Grape Nuts,
} then the phone rang.  While you are away, an earthquake hits, upsetting
} your kitchen table, and also your nutritious breakfast.  Had you been
} eating any other cereal, your floor would now be awash in milk, forcing
} you to undertake a massive cleanup operation.  But, thanks to the
} absorbent properties of those initially crunchy Grape Nuts, the contents
} of your bowl will remain in a nice, neat clump.  I am currently working
} on a way for the user to control the time delay before this absorbing
} action begins.  Currently, it is only 20 seconds.
}
} You owe the oracle a 20-pack of Chicken McNuggets, mustard sauce
} preferred


75-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Deah suh:
> Do you like movies with gladiators?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deah suh:
}
}  Y'all is possessed of the most disgustin' mahnd that I have evah had
} the misfoahtune to encountah in mah entiiayah laahf.


75-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> sigh.. bored bored bored...  GOD I'm bored...  Nothing to do at all...
>
> Any suggestions?
>
>                               -bored (gee, you never THAT coming, huh?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha, so you're bored.  Let's see, things that you can do:
}
}  o Write a love letter to George Bush, mentioning that you want to have
} his baby, [this one is especially good if you are male.]
}
}  o Post to rec.humor asking what that "rot-13" means, and why those
} posts look so silly.  {Don't forget to mention that you love the Oracle
} and want him around forever.} If you receive less than 250 flames, mail
} again, but this time crosspost to rec.misc., comp.misc, and rec.humor.d.
}  Whatever you do, don't apologize for crossposting.  It's there fault
} for not sending you enough replies in the first place, right?
}
}  o Ask your system administrator why *s/he* has more disk space than you
} do.  I mean, who does s/he think s/he is, anyway, right?
}
}  o Take off all of your clothes and go visit your library.  Go to the
} counter and ask for the "Joy of Sex." Make sure to mention that you and
} your SO were in the middle of things when you got into an arguement
} about which position is more fun, only you need the manual to remember
} how to do some of them.
}
}  o Sign up for a class in 'Sign Language' and then show up the first day
} wearing a Walkman.  Don't forget to wear your tennies!
}
}  o Watch a movie.  Go see the new Back to the Future movie.  Review it
} on rec.arts.movies, just like everyone else on the net.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle one year of your undivided attention.


75-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really the only person who likes shoelaces to the point of
> fixation?  If not, is there a fan club I could contact?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shoelace fetishism is really quite common .  In fact, a recent survey
} among CS students at a major university showed that 86 % had at least
} once had a sexual fantasy involving shoelaces, 64 % occasionally used
} shoelaces to enhance sexual experinces, 20 % were obsessed with them and
} 2 % spent all their waking hours thinking of shoelaces.
}
} The Oracle also used to know a certain girl who got so turned on by shoe
} laces that she made a shirt of shoelaces and wore it to class, without
} anything under it.  She got tremendous satisfaction out of this until
} one day the guy behind her noticed a loose end and pulled...
}
} As for fan clubs, there is one at most campuses throughout the USA, for
} example the Shoelace Appreciation Club (sigma alpha kappa) at Purdue.
} The subject is also discussed in the newsgroup
} Alt.sex.bestiality.shoelace


75-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How the hell did you get to be Oracle anyways??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I went to the Oracular University where I got a meaningless piece of
} paper that certified that I indeed did know everything (much to the
} surprise of my parents and friends).  Then I interned at various other
} oracular presences, working on my presentation skills.  Finally I
} replied to a want ad in a particular Indiana newspaper that read:
}
} Wanted -- Oracle
} Must be clean, neat, and tasteless.
} Call LISA, 555-1248
}
} You owe the oracle a yellow pages entry.


75-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was at primary school, some child psychologists came around and
> made us all do lots of spelling test.  After, they checked us to see
> whether our left or right eye winked the best.  What did they think they
> were doing?  I wink best with my right eye.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This means you're a left brain flirt.


75-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gosh darn it!  Why do I burp whenever I see a pretty gurl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your brain has a hardware fault.  The nerve that is supposed to go to
} your naughty bits is obviously connected to your stomach muscles as
} well, or instead.  Go back to your manufacturer for a refund.


75-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 (____)
>      -----------| oo |
>     /|           \  /
>    / |          | --   --- MOO!
>   *  ||W-------||
>      ~~        ~~

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question!  Next time he's fondling your "W", give him a good swift
} kick to the head with your "~".
}
} You owe the Oracle an udderly fantastic steak.


75-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a goldfish sitting in a tree?
> Am I a molecule of ATP?
> Am I a gator standing on a gate?
> Am I allowed to be two hours late?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Said the whipporwill to the goldfish, sitting by the gate,
} "Purple argyle sweaters--those are your fate."
} Alas, I see, and behold from afar,
} Molecules of ATP, DNA, and protein in a jar.
}
} The question of existance, you have posed to me,
} Whether alligator, guinea pig, armadillo, or flea?
} "Neither, nonce, shall ye be!" (The oracle, he spake)
} "Take your silly mortal head, and drench it in a lake!"
}
} The truth of the matter,
} (it should be plain to see)
} Is that I am thou,
} And thou art clearly me.
}
} Wondering why you asked?
}
} You owe the oracle an existential feeling of ennui, and two hours of our
} time.


75-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since everything on the net seems to be called something with periods in
> (e.g.  net.bandwidth, net.czar, net.sex.goddess), why are you the Usenet
> Oracle and not the usenet.oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We're simply "oracle" because Usenet is too limiting.  This link to the
} Oracle is on Usenet, but that's not all we're confined to.  We have
} connections to the original Oracle at Delphi (who sat over lava cracks
} and got high from the fumes and thus gave good answers), the Oracles in
} China (who sit crosslegged and meditate to get the answers), and then
} there's me, the Oracle annex at U.C.  San Diego, who does bong tokes to
} get the answers.  I'll shroom for exceptionally difficult questions.
} But not during finals week.
}
} You owe the Oracle something borrowed (my sister is getting married.)


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