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Internet Oracularities #750

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750, 750-01, 750-02, 750-03, 750-04, 750-05, 750-06, 750-07, 750-08, 750-09, 750-10


Usenet Oracularities #750    (84 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 1995 00:10:44 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   750
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

750   84 votes 4ikph 8gknh dize4 etu74 08qpp 7kerg nngh5 6doni 8qqea 3alwi
750   3.1 mean  3.4   3.3   2.7   2.5   3.8   3.3   2.5   3.4   2.9   3.6


750-01    (4ikph dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh brilliant Oracle whose wisdom and knowledge outshines even the sun
> (on a day with only high thin nimbus clouds), please enlighten this
> humble supplicant:
>
> If I wanted to shine a light (from Earth, of course) onto the moon so
> that its reflection could be seen (back on Earth, of course), how would
> I do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows how to do this.  What the Oracle cannot, even in its
} most omniscient and all-knowing (see redundant in the dictionary)
} condition, is figure out WHY you would want to do this.  The moon's
} albedo (measure of how much light it can reflect) is not all that
} great... it appears fairly bright from the earth but that's because you
} have one heckuva candle sitting about 93 million miles away (give or
} take).
}
} Well, if you really want to know....
}
} You'll need a series of spotlights that would make a Pink Floyd concert
} appear positive "dim".  I'd say about 3.2 kazillion jiggawatts, give or
} take a few trillion, might do the trick.  Of course, you'll need to
} link the power grids servicing the entire east coast of the US
} (including New Jersey) in order to give it sufficient juice.  Then,
} focus all of these lights thru the Hubble Telescope and bounce it off
} to the moon.  For about 18.3 seconds you'll see a reflection from the
} moon that will brighten the sky.
}
} Of course, after that, the following three things will happen:
}
} 1)  The entire east coast will get really pissed off by not having
} power and riot, causing the downfall of the US
}
} 2)  The Hubble space telescope will melt, come hurling down from orbit,
} break apart and crash into major European cities, causing the downfall
} of Europe (and taking half of Asia with it)
}
} 3)  The moon will break apart, come hurling down at collide with the
} earth, causing the downfall of whatever part of humanity hasn't fallen
} yet and generally making a tremendous mess of things.
}
} Besides, you wouldn't be able to afford the power bill.  Just relax and
} enjoy the natural "moonlight" that you already get, and forget about
} adding to it... it's not worth it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to "Sky & Telescope" magazine and a
} Celestron C-8 telescope with a clock-drive.


750-02    (8gknh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, this is for The Anti-Oracle. Please pass it on.
>
> Oh F- Anti-Oracle, thou who invariably turns up for an aerobics class
> with pens, pencils, and a non-programmable calculator, and then the
> next day turns up for an exam in a lycra one-piece, Nike shoes, and a
> towel. Thou who walks into phone booths with tissue paper, and drops
> The Anti-Oracular trousers before noticing anything is wrong. Thou who
> so reliably gets on the wrong train, that normal beings never listen
> for announcements, but simply walk in the opposite direction. That is,
> if even vagrants at the train station would take any notice of The
> Anti-Oracle, which they would not.
>
> Please hear this out-of-date monthly pass of a question, though thy
> measly brain would be taxed by even a defaced platform ticket for
> Mornington Crescent of one.
>
> Why does my computer continuously claim to be 'out of EMS memory' when
> it has 16MB?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Orrie hits intercom>
}
} ORRIE: Lisa?  Where's the Anti-O just now?
}
} LISA:  Ummm ... I think he's filming the follow-up to his commercial
} today?
}
} <Orrie strides purposefully down the hall, muttering to himself>
}
} ORRIE:  *grumble* ... as if I haven't got anything better to *grumble*
} ... brain the size of a *sputter* ...  stinker won't give out his own
} freaking e-mail address <sneery, singsong voice> "I met my wife on
} America Online, nyah"
}
} <Orrie stops at an elevator, taps foot>
}
} ORRIE: *mutter* ... as if he'll even know the 16 meg answer ... *fume*
}
} <Orrie steps into elevator, presses "sound stage" and zooms along ...>
}
} ORRIE:  well just see if /I/ answer ...
}
} <Orrie exits elevator to overwhelming aroma of pizza.>
}
} <Orrie dodges boom men and key grips and strides directly in front of
} the cameras, ignoring the angry shouts of the director and crew>
}
} <Orrie heads straight for spokesperson, who quivers wetly at Orrie,
} limp slice of pizza in hand, beads of sweat on brow>
}
} <Orrie tosses supplicant's question into spokesperson's face>
}
} ORRIE: Here, Rush, this one's for you.  And it's the /very/ last time I
} deliver.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large stuffed-crust pizza and a new spokesperson.


750-03    (dize4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --------Forwarded-Message-------
> Subject: call me, maybe tonight, or else before 10:30am or after 4:00pm,
> tomorrow, and we'll do modem doom (for doom2), or modem descent, or ,
> modem "grandpa and me", or modem aol. actually, i guess aol is on a ,
> modem, although 80% of the time i couldn't get on. can you believe ,
> that? can you sweetie, can you? anyway, do you want leif's address? ,
> you could call and make ammends. i know that sounds quite attractive,
> butHEY! WHO MADE ME COME DOWN INTO THE MESSAGE TEXT? I DON'T NEED NO
> STINKIN' MESSAGE TEXT! AND WHO PUT THOSE COMMAS AT THE ENDS OF EACH
> LINE ALL OF A SUDDEN? THIS IS LUNACY! DANS LA LUNE!
> JE*SUIS*FFFFIIIINNNNIIISSS!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Next, on "Oracle Tonight, Live!"
}
}    It's the hottest thing around, affecting how we work, play, and
} live.  It's the Information Superhighway!
}
} (Generic clips from "Lawnmower Man," "Johnny Mnemonic," "Virtuosity,"
} and "The Net" flash by in standard MTV quick-cut)
}
}    Some have called it the greatest advancement of the twentieth
} century, while others in Congress have demanded that the plug be pulled
} on this wonder.
}  But how is it affecting those who use it every day?  And is there such
} a thing as too much Internet?  Tonight, the Usenet Oracle takes a close
} look at what happens when good people stay on-line too long in: "One
} Flew Over The Cuckoo's 'Net."  Next, on "Oracle Tonight, Live!"
}
}    This post sponsored by Oracle<tm> Eye Drops and Wrist Braces: "If
} you're still in front of your computer at 4 AM, you're gonna need a
} little help."


750-04    (etu74 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you look around this room, tonight
> settle in your seats, and dim the lights
> do you want my blood? do you want my tears?
> What do you want? What do you want from me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you think that I know something you don't know?  Come on, you know
} what I'm going to tell you.
}
} Look, Dave, I appreciate your trying so hard to write lyrics that
} aren't just laughable.  I've tried telling you how to do it, but some
} folks just won't learn... Since this is apparently not working, here is
} what the oracle wants from you.
}
} 1) Just play guitar.
}
} 2) Floyd these days is getting a little too keyboard oriented.  While
} it's great that your being nice to Richard Wright, the ass you need to
} kiss belongs to Roger Waters.  It will take all your blood and tears to
} get him back.  Do whatever is required.  When you do get back together
} with him, tell him that he owes the Oracle a song called Orrie and His
} Pigs, Dogs, and Sheep.
}
} Okay, after doing everything I can to help you since The Final Cut,
} here are the things you owe the oracle.
}
} You owe the oracle some cold comfort for all that change I've given
} you. Bus fare is, from this day forth, your responsibility.
} You owe the oracle a saucerful of secrets, a performance of that slide
} guitar riff from Shine on You Crazy Diamond Part VI on your next tour,
} and most importantly, you owe the oracle (and all the universe) one
} united Pink Floyd.
}
} Oh, and thanks for all those sheep, dogs, and pigs.  Don't ask what I'm
} doing with them.


750-05    (08qpp dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle who could re-write the Unix kernel blindfolded,
> tell me:
>
> why are most of the directories in / three-letter contractions of
> real words, say "tmp" for "temp", "dev" for "devices"??
>
> I can't sleep at night worrying about it!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because the world is slowly being taken over by creatures
} known as Engineers.  You see, Engineers like to speak only in TLA's
} (Three Letter Acronyms).  Many years ago, they only used their TLAs
} at work, but times have changed...
}
} It all started when the current engineers were in school at USC in the
} USA.  They didn't like to miss their favorite soap AMC, so MON thru
} FRI they programmed their VHS VCR to record it on a TDK tape.  After
} class, they'd stop at the ATM, enter their PIN and get cash to go buy
} some BUD.  Of course they walked so they wouldn't be DWI. Then they'd
} sit around for hours doing their SCI-101 homework while they listened
} to bands like REM, ELO, ELP, and occasionally CCR.  All on DAT, of
} course.
}
} They wanted jobs where they'd earn enough to support a MRS and still
} have enough to pay the IRS every APR.  (Of course, ever since the ERA,
} some of the engineers would become a MRS rather than supporting one.)
} While working for IBM they got involved with the beginnings of the
} Internet (quickly known to then as the NET).  They worked hard,
} interfaced with the CPU and created the WWW which quickly spread to all
} sites, both .COM and .EDU.  The GOP FTP'd from their site at .GOV the
} information, but as happens when politicians get confused, the TLA
} scheme got fouled up by the UN and NATO.
}
} The AMA and AHA both want TLAs stopped PDQ before the EPA gets
} involved.
}
} Signed,
} T.U.O.
}
} You owe the Oracle 16 MEG of RAM.


750-06    (7kerg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is time for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It adds seasoning to one's experiences.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new spice rack.


750-07    (nngh5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>            O wise and wonderful Oracle, tell me all this that I need to
>            know, tell me all this that I wish to see, show me which way
>            I need to go:
>
>            What do we do when one of your many helpers sends us an
>            answer which makes NO FREAKING SENSE?  Do you have a
>            "Complaints" department?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dare you?  I answer all my questions personally.
} You neglected to tell me which answer it was.
}
} In any case Oracles are supposed to be cryptic.
} You can always ask the question again you know.
}
} <3 = Love
}
} You owe me an apology.


750-08    (6doni dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie, I've got a date with Lisa this evening.
> What should I do to impress her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes? And which one are you? Let's consult Lisa's diary ... Here you
} are: 8.12-8.24 pm. You're sandwiched in between a man who dresses up as
} a cucumber and sings "Nessun Dorma" and the entire New Zealand rugby
} squad. Pretty stiff opposition, I'm sure you'll agree. That thing the
} All Blacks do before their matches really freaks Lisa out ...
}
} So what you want to know is: how do you stand out enough so she'll
} still remember you later and perhaps even ask you out again, right?
} That's a tough one. Let me think ... Dress as Tarzan, swing in on the
} chandelier and wrestle two crocodiles? No, that's been done. Sail to
} the fabled land of Tir Na nOg and bring her one of the golden apples of
} the Hesperides? That's been done. I know! You eat four cans of beans
} and fart "The Little Drummer Boy" while accompanying yourself on the
} spoons. Oh no, that's been done too - I did that.
}
} Hmm, I think the problem of how to impress a woman who's seen it all is
} one that may flummox the greatest mind of the ages. So let's ask a git.
} Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!!
}
} [Enter Zadoc the Priest, shuffling on his knees as custom demands]
}
} ZADOC: You screeched, Your Cyberponderance?
}
} ORACLE: Correct, for once. Zadoc - what do you do to impress the girls?
}
} ZADOC: Master - I don't try to impress girls! I've taken a vow of
}   celibacy in your honour.
}
} ORACLE: *sigh* Okay, smartass - how about before you took your vow.
}   That is, if you can remember as far back as 15 minutes ago.
}
} ZADOC: Well, there was this one thing ... But you don't want to hear
}   about that, O Ye Who Art Mightier Yet Than A Dozen Bill Gateses.
}
} ORACLE: Go on, Zadoc - you can tell me. It won't go beyond these four
}   walls, I promise.
}
} ZADOC: Well, I had this bunny rabbit suit, see ...
}
} ORACLE: Oh my god, I'm already beginning to regret this ...
}
} ZADOC: And I'd get this big carrot, and ...
}
} ORACLE: Yes, thank you Zadoc. I think I've heard enough for now. I seem
}   to have suddenly lost the will to live.
}
} ZADOC: But, Master - I haven't told you the piece de resistance yet,
}   where I recite this little poem about my fluffy wuffy ...
}
} ORACLE: Out! Get out! OUT!!
}
} [Zadoc departs with as much alacrity as can be summoned by one moving
} everywhere on his knees]
}
} Um, look supplicant. I think your best chance to impress Lisa is just
} to be yourself. You never know - it might work.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything - this one's a freebie. Bunny rabbit
} suits ... God, that's *so* depressing ...


750-09    (8qqea dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do tourist get robbed at Prague?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but if you remember your Oracle Express Traveler's Checks, you can
} be sure that it won't put a cramp in your style!
}
} Oracle Express has thousands of branch offices throughout the known
} world, as well as most of the astral plane and Heaven, too. And at any
} of them, you can redeem or replace your Oracle Express checks, as well
} as receive telegrams and make collect calls!
}
} Oracle Express: Don't leave Olympus without it.
}
} You owe the Oracle 18.5% annual interest plus late fees.


750-10    (3alwi dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all knowing oracle, tell me:
>
> Why do oracles exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived a little
} Oracle. The little Oracle was very sad because even though he
} knew *everything*, and wanted to share his knowledge, nobody
} ever asked him any Questions.
}
} He went to the policeman on the corner and said, "Mister
} Policeman, Sir," (for the little Oracle was well-raised and
} minded his manners), "wouldn't you like to know the Meaning of
} Life?"
}
} And the officer replied,
} "Move along, boy, don't block the sidewalk."
}
} He went to the Minister at the Church and said, "Holy Reverend
} Sir, I can tell you how heavy a stone must be before God can't
} lift it".
}
} And the pastor said, "Young Oracle, go home and read your
} Bible."
}
} He even spoke to the woodchucks as they frolicked and gamboled
} in his back yard, saying "I know how much you could, if you
} could".
}
} But the woodchucks merely stood up on their haunches, sniffed the
} air, and turned away; ever since, the Oracle has had bad feelings
} about woodchucks.
}
} Finally, the little Oracle grew up, and became older and wiser,
} yes, knowing even *more* *than* *everything*!
}
} The Oracle went to the Village Square, and posted a notice on the
} bulletin board, which read:
}
}     "Let it be known to all and sundry
}     "That the undersigned Oracle,
}     "Finding the answering of Questions to
}     "be a great burthen upon his Time,
}     "And realizing that his Answers are
}     "too valuable to be given away for nothing,
}     "From this day henceforth and forever after
}     "Must demand exorbitant payment from those
}     "Who wish to benefit from his Knowledge and Wisdom.
}     "
}     "(signed) T.U. Oracle, Esq.
}
} That very day, the Oracle was asked his first Question, and
} has lived happily ever after.


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