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Internet Oracularities #751

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751, 751-01, 751-02, 751-03, 751-04, 751-05, 751-06, 751-07, 751-08, 751-09, 751-10


Usenet Oracularities #751    (79 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 2 Jul 1995 00:10:38 -0500

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   751
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

751   79 votes bfsk5 8ope8 7tne6 8jmp5 6aqs9 58fro 27iso 4epoc asv82 19qoj
751   3.2 mean  2.9   2.9   2.8   3.0   3.3   3.7   3.8   3.3   2.5   3.6


751-01    (bfsk5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Superlumic Oracle, who looms above,
>
> If you were in a car going at the speed of light, and the
> light turned yellow, would you try to make it through?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} no.  If there was (me forbid) an accident, not only would I be cited
} for running a light, but I'd also be cited for going 647999945 miles
} per hour over the speed limit!  Do you know how expensive that is?  So,
} if this situation happened, I would slam on my brakes and pray I'm not
} in an old car with drum brakes.  hehehe......actually I would just ZOT
} the light.... they annoy me anyway.


751-02    (8ope8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise one, ask me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, here's one for you:
}
} When supplicants who don't know the difference between the subject
} and message parts of their outgoing mail get ZOTted, what setting
} does the Oracle put his ZOTter?
}
} You owe the Oracle a ZOTter the goes higher than "Fry'em like an
} A-bomb".  Now hold still...


751-03    (7tne6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and generous Oracle, who knows the reason behind all
> things, pray tell me
>
> If coke is 'it', what is everything else ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Playing tag again?  Aren't you a little old for that?  Or are you
} playing tag with yourself?
}
} Everything else is 'not it' and should run away.
}
} Ollie, Ollie, in-come-free.
}
} You owe me a can of root beer.


751-04    (8jmp5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Vastness of Vastnesses, O Be All of End Alls, O Qumquat of my
>      Heart, please answer this question that has been a burr under my
>      saddle for some time:
>
>      Why are all the Oracular answers to my questions pathetically
>      un-funny?  And why do the Keepers of the Digest repeatedly choose
>      the blandest of even these bland queries for the general populace?
>      Why have the Oracularities come to suck so much?
>
>      I know it cannot be your fault, O Barnstormer of the Gods, unless,
>      of course, it is.
>
>      Thank you for your copious time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question is quite simple, my child.  Joel Furr has
} put a curse on the Oracle.  Yea, verily the posting of the
} `Frinkquently' (gag, choke) Asked Questions about lemurs causes the
} overall quality of Oracular answers to lower, and the Priests' tastes
} to decline, and the condition gradually gets worse and worse with every
} posting of this so-called FAQ.
}       The Oracle has tried to be patient with Joel Furr, and has asked
} him politely to stop posting the lemurs FAQ.  Many times.  Many, many
} times.  Many, many, many, many, MANY times.  But now drastic action is
} called for.  Yes, my child, the time has come; Joel Furr must be
} ZOTted!
}       But the destruction of such an evil creature--who has made his
} vile presence known throughout Usenet for quite some time now--requires
} much patience, and diligence.  And cooperation from the supplicant.  Of
} course.
}
} First, lay your hand upon your heart and chant the following: "Joel
} Furr must be destroyed.  Joel Furr must be destroyed.  Joel Furr must
} be destroyed."
}
} Now, stand up, thrust your hands up into the air, and spin around, as
} fast as you can, until you vomit.  (Use ipecac syrup if necessary.)
} Pick up the vomit in your hands and call out, "JOEL FURR IS A VICIOUS,
} FLESH-EATING, ALL-AROUND NOT VERY NICE FELLOW!  OH GODS OF USENET,
} REDUCE HIM TO THE SLIME FROM WHICH HE EMERGED, WORSE SLIME THAN THIS
} VOMIT WHICH I HOLD IN MY HANDS!"  Whereupon the gods will be frightened
} by your obvious mania and immediately begin work to destroy Joel Furr
} just to get you to stop bothering them.
}
} If all goes well, Joel Furr will be ZOTted within two weeks' time.  By
} then, there will also be some non-American people ready to answer
} questions--maybe even some of those hilarious Englishmen.  Who knows?
} One of them might even be able to answer your question in an
} entertaining and amusing way, unlike this drivel spouted by a complete
} imbecile!
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle a book of jokes other than those about bodily
} functions.


751-05    (6aqs9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dilbert

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the Oracle is not Dilbert.  Good guess.  Oh, and in case you didn't
} get the announcement (you didn't -- the Oracle knows that you didn't):
}
} > THE "GUESS THE TRUE IDENTITY OF THE ORACLE" Contest
} >
} > Yes, you can win an all-expense paid vacation, including round-trip
} > airfare, to gorgeous Delphi, home of the Oracle!  (No, not the on-
} > line service that's appropriated the name, silly.)  You'll stay at
} > the exquisite Holiday Inn -- okay, it's not that exquisite...in fact
} > it's a bit run-down and even the non-smoking rooms smell a bit of
} > stale menthol-laced cigarettes and joints...well, it's better than
} > the Motel 6 down the road, honestly -- of Bloomington, Indiana, the
} > Modern Delphi, near the lovely campus of Indiana University!  A pair
} > of Bobby Knight's old sweat socks will greet you when you enter your
} > rather nice room -- well, actually they'll just sit there on the
} > top of the television set, but that's just as well because if they
} > actually greeted you you'd be quite disconcerted, wouldn't you?
} >
} > You'll get to meet the Oracle IN PERSON, as well as the lovely Lisa!
} > You'll get to have SEX with the Oracle or Lisa or both!  In fact,
} > Lisa will insist on having sex with you, and your personal sexual
} > behavior and inclinations will be auto-magically adjusted so that
} > you're sure to be willing!  You'll get to buy lunch for at least
} > three visiting Oracular Priests!  You'll get a nine-track magtape
} > including all the Collected Oracularities and the Oracle's source
} > code!  You'll get the keys to the city -- well, to the faculty
} > lounge in the CS building, and they'll change the locks after you
} > leave, but you'll have all the bad coffee you can drink and get
} > to chat with World-Famous Computer Scientists -- and maybe even
} > see them pick their noses!  You'll even get to meet Mr. Kinzler!
} >
} >     Contest Rules:
} >
} >     Before 1 July (Greenwich Mean Time), send the Oracle a
} >     message telling It who YOU think It is.  One entry per
} >     e-mail address.  Void where prohibited.  Mr. Kinzler,
} >     Oracular Priests, their relatives, Lisa, etc. not allowed.
} >
} >     Helpful Clues!
} >
} >     The Oracle is NOT any of the following:
} >
} >     Sen. Exon
} >     Rep. Gingrich
} >     Camille Paglia
} >     Madonna
} >     Lisa (not recently, anyhow -- no more of that shtick)
} >     Jimmy Carter
} >     Anyone appearing reguarly on television
} >     You (unless you're the Oracle)
} >     Anyone's pet (except, arguably, Lisa's)
} >     Pope JP II
} >
} > Good luck!


751-06    (58fro dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When is it okay to kiss another male?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you've finished kissing the previous one.


751-07    (27iso dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm kind of in a bind, here.  I can't find the Devil and I would really
> like to sell my soul.  I'm having so much trouble making ends meet.
> Oracle, do you pull similar deals?  I'll even throw in a set of knives
> if you act now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You gotta be kidding.  What would I do with your soul?  Not to mention
} the knives.  I have forty-three knife sets already, thanks to an
} incarnation who is no longer with us.
}
} Fortunately, however, I'm close, personal friends with Satan.  Let's
} see if I can get him on the phone.
}
} [Number deleted to protect Satan's privacy]
}
} "Hell, Myrna speaking."
}
} Hi there, Myrna, it's Orrie.
}
} "Orrie!  When are you coming down again?"
}
} Well, let's just say [whispering] Lisa's got me on a very short leash.
}
} "I understand.  Say no more."
}
} Anyway, is your boss around?
}
} "Yeah, the big guy's in his office.  Hold on a second."
}
} [Exactly 12 seconds of Paul Anka's "You're Having My Baby"]
}
} "Orrie!  How the heaven are ya?"
}
} Fine, fine.
}
} "How's the question answering biz?  Got any more woodchuck-obsessed
} fruitcakes for me?"
}
} Well, that's what I called you about.  I just got a question from
} someone who says he's been trying to sell you his soul, but can't get
} in touch with you.
}
} "It's not the guy who says he'll throw in the knives, is it?"
}
} Yeah, how'd you guess?
}
} "He's been harassing Myrna and leaving tons of messages on my voice
} mail for weeks!  Usually, I'll jump at the chance to buy someone's
} soul...but I keep trying to tell him, he doesn't have a soul for me to
} buy!  I mean, maybe I'll give him five bucks for the knives, if it's a
} good set, but he wants to sell the soul he doesn't have for power,
} respect, and so on...and I'm not gonna give that to him for a set of
} crappy knives!"
}
} Okay, I'll write back and tell him.
}
} "So, you wanna play golf on Sunday?"
}
} I don't know...
}
} "We can use woodchucks instead of balls."
}
} Ten-thirty good for you?
}
} "No problem.  See you then.  'Bye."
}
} 'Bye.
}
} [Click]
}
} There you have it.  It seems you don't have a soul, but you should let
} Satan know if those knives are any good.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen fresh pineapples, Senator Dole.


751-08    (4epoc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is in Spam and why are Marmot's so darned attracted to it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Spam" is simply an acronym that describes the ingredients.
}
} S: Soy sauce
} P: Potatoes
} A: Artichokes
} M: Marmot
}
} It's clear, therefore, that marmots are constantly searching for their
} dead relatives in Spam.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good lawyer to defend him in the slander suit
} Hormel is about to file.


751-09    (asv82 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --
> A great injustice has been done... and I, Altrus, have paid the p
> rice. The books that I have created lead to worlds so fantastic,
> they could fill a lifetime. But something has gone terribly wrong
> and my creations are being destroyed by someone's greed. I suspec

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: Lisa?
}
} LISA: I can't come look right now.  I'm almost through with the
} ``Challenger Diagramless.''
}
} ORACLE: It's those idiots at Gramercy Press again. Ever since they got
} on the Net, they pull stuff like this.
}
} LISA: What now?
}
} ORACLE: It's a fragment from some sort of jacket blurb.
}
} LISA: What are you going to do about it?
}
} ORACLE: Well, I can't just zot them.
}
} LISA: It's that receptionist, isn't it? You've had your eye on her ever
} since MCI started running those commercials.
}
} ORACLE: Uh, no, honey, it's not that at all.
}
} LISA: (stony silence)
}
} ORACLE: I just feel I've been ZOTting a little too readily lately. I
} need to be a little more deliberate.
}
} LISA: Fine. You can deliberate all night if you want to. (SHE LEAVES)
}
} You owe the Oracle a sleeping bag.


751-10    (19qoj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle so mighty, tell me,
>
> what was before life, what will be after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the Beginning, there was no Life.  In fact, there was nothing.
}
} And the Oracle said, "Let there be Cheerios."   And lo, there were
} Cheerios, and they were round and toasted.  And the Oracle looked
} down upon what he had created, and lo, it was good.
}
} The next day came, and the Oracle thought, "Lo, the Cheerios are
} good, but they are crunchy and dry."  So the Oracle said, "Let there
} be milk."   And Milk poured from the heavens, and lo, it was good.
}
} On the third day, the Oracle looked down, and saw that something was
} missing.  There were no young priests.  And the Oracle saw that to have
} young priests, he must have sugar to fuel them.  So the Oracle said,
} "Let there be Life."  And lo, there was Life, and it was sprinkled in
} cinnamon and sugar, and it was good.
}
} And so, there were young priests, and the Oracle spake unto them,
} saying "You live in the Garden of Cereal, and you may eat of any tree,
} save one. You must not eat of the tree of Trix, lest ye die."
}
} And so the priests lived, in happy bliss.  Yet one day, a rabbit came
} to them.  And the rabbit said unto them, "You should eat from the tree
} of Trix."   But the priests replied, "Silly Rabbit!  Trix are not for
} kid priests!  We shall not eat of the tree."   But the Rabbit
} persisted, saying unto them, "That is what the Oracle would have you
} believe.  But if you eat from the tree of Trix, you will actually
} become one like the Oracle."
}
} And lo, the priests were tempted, and they ate of the tree of Trix.
} And when the Oracle next came among them, lo, they did not grovel, but
} stood before him brazenly.  And the Oracle saw their folly, and spake
} unto them, "You have eaten of the tree of Trix, that which was
} forbidden. And lo, you do not grovel.  Such shall be your fate."  And
} lo, did the Oracle *ZOT* them.
}
} And such it remains to this day.  There is Life, and those who follow
} the path laid before the Oracle are happy and fulfilled in their Life.
} But those who follow the path of Trix must fear, lest they be *ZOT*ted.
}
} And in the future, there will be great cereals, and much bran, and then
} one will come among you.  This is the Anti-Life, and will cause much
} suffering and irregularity.  How shall ye know the Product?  Ye shall
} know it by the Number of the Product, and lo, the Number of the Product
} is 19.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Kroonchy Stars.


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