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Internet Oracularities #753

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753, 753-01, 753-02, 753-03, 753-04, 753-05, 753-06, 753-07, 753-08, 753-09, 753-10


Usenet Oracularities #753    (93 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 6 Jul 1995 00:10:39 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   753
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

753   93 votes qDg57 37owr 8lxn8 6nyp5 8jwnb 4dtjs 2dyxb 8lxla 0dqAi 8lofp
753   3.2 mean  2.2   3.8   3.0   3.0   3.1   3.6   3.4   3.0   3.6   3.3


753-01    (qDg57 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, why is it when young men go off to college, they
> suddenly forget everything about hygene that they learned at home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gee, I'm sorry, Mrs. Clinton.  You mean Bill still hasn't picked that
} back up yet?  I'll see if I can drop a few hints the next time he comes
} to me for advice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Pert(tm) shampoo, and a sane health care
} policy.


753-02    (37owr dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh highest of high, grovelee of grovellers, the grand Poobah of all
> Poobah's, greatest of great,
> Etcetera, Etcetera, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda....
>
> What ever happened to Cinderella and her glass slippers?
>
> This supplicant kneels on shards of glass, waiting expectantly for your
> answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Twas a long sad tale that one, Supplicant.  Ok, are you all tucked in?
}  I'll read you a story...
}
} /\/\any years ago when the world was a happier place, there lived
} Princess Cindarella, a beautiful and virtuous young woman with shining
} gold tresses and a pleasant disposition.
}
} At first after marrying the Prince and leaving her Sugly Isters behind,
} she was the happiest Princess in the whole kingdom.  The sun was
} shining, the birds were twittering in the trees, and all was at peace
} with Cindarellas world.
}   She couldn't have been happier.  No longer did she have the scrub the
} floors, clean the fireplace, darn the socks, fix the dresses, and do
} all those nasty things her evil step-mother had her do.  Cindarella was
} free to roam around her beautiful crystal palace, and didn't have to do
} anything.  Anything at all.  Ever.  Not a thing.
}
}    At first it was marvellous, but as the years grew on, Cindarella
} became tired of her effortless existence.  Occasionally she'd try to do
} a  little work around the castle, but Prince Charming would stop her
} straight away, because he didn't want his princess to have to work for
} anything ever again. He knew the horror and torment she had endured as
} a young woman, and thought he was doing the right thing by telling her
} to put her feet up.
}
}   Cindarella became more and more frustrated.  There was nothing she
} could do to help - the servants were under strict orders not to let
} Cindarella participate in their day-to-day chores.  "Oh, what to do,"
} she would sigh.
}
}   Inspiration hit one lovely summer's day.  A marching band passed
} through the nearby town.  Cindarella loved the joyous tones,
} particularly those of the piccolo.  She was sure she could feel her
} slippers tingling with delight. Later in the day she summoned one of
} the palace servants to fetch the piccolo player from the band.  She
} decided to learn to play this shrill, bright instrument.  "Prince
} Charming will simply _adore_ it, " she gleefully thought.
}
}   Twice a week she walked the short distance to the Piccolo players
} house, and many months later she had become quite a proficient player.
} Tonight was the night, she decided, when her skill and talent would
} finally be revealed to her husband, who never suspected a thing all
} this time.
}
}   A big dinner party was announced.  Dignitaries and Nobles from all
} around the land came to dine at the crystal palace of Prince Charming
} and Princess Cindarella.  They wined and dined on the most sumptuous
} foods, and a jolly good time was had by all.  Especially Cindarella,
} growing ever more excited by the minute as she prepared for her first
} solo piccolo recital.
}
}   Ching ching ching!  The rap of a spoon on a crystal goblet quickly
} hushed the babbling guests; they all turned their attention to the
} now-radiant Cindarella.  "Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests
} and ambassadors.  I take great pleasure in announcing that tonight
} marks a very important event. If you will be so kind as to listen, I
} shall be performing a solo piece on my piccolo, that I have been
} learning for some time."  After a moment's mystified silence from Prince
} Charming the dining hall erupted into thunderous applause as Cinderalla
} glided over to her husband, the picollo shaking in her hands as she
} prepared to play....
}
}   The first note rang out.  Perfect, clear as a summers day, loud,
} confident, beautiful.  The entire audience was in paroxysms of pure
} ecstasy.
}
}  Then, she played the second note.
}
}   It was ever so _slightly_ sharp.  It appeared that there had been a
} little too much wine and excitement in the Princesses evening.  Her
} slippers started to tingle, resonating to the note that she played.
} She wobbled unsteadily, the glass slippers seemed to be giving way from
} beneath her.  Looking down, she noticed that they had completely
} disintegrated!  Just one wrong note caused her beautiful slippers to
} fragment leaving her standing on nothing but a pile of glass dust.
}
}   But still the note echoed around the dining hall, seemingly gaining
} more strength as it bounced off the crystal palace walls.  Suddenly,
} there was an almighty CRASH!, as one of the beautiful windows collapsed
} in upon itself. This was followed shortly after by great cracks
} appearing in the crystal palace walls.  This single note was echoing
} throughout the entire palace, causing everything to come crashing down
} around their very ears.  Not one piece of the crystal palace was left
} intact.  Within thirty seconds, all that was left were the Prince, the
} Princess, and the guests, sitting where the once was a cystal table,
} now all reduced to dust.
}
}   A _very_ long minute passed in silence.  Prince Charming was the
} first to speak.  "Cinderella, my dear, People living in glass slippers
} shouldn't blow tones....."
}
} You owe the Oracle some piccolo-proof double glazing.


753-03    (8lxn8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle..
> No grovel will be good enough to describe you..
> Please answer this question from your humble suplicant
>
> Why is my hair red?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was expecting a question from you, but that wasn't it.
}
} Inspired by the "transporters" of Star Trek, the mad
} scientist Alaric O'Flanagan decided to invent a device
} capable of teleporting a human being, i.e., transporting
} someone across space in no time.
}
} Having constructed experimental transmitting and
} receiving stations, he tried sending a rock, a pillow,
} and a dog.  Each experiment was a success.  Then he
} tried sending himself.
}
} Unfortunately, the dog had by now been rather
} strongly conditioned into thinking that hopping
} into the transmitting station would result in
} a reward of doggie treats.
}
} As a result, the dog jumped onto the transmitter just
} as Alaric was preparing to transmit himself.  The
} half-dog, half-human creature that emerged from the
} other side--well, that's you.  Alaric had red hair.
} And so do you.  The only other features of Alaric
} that you've inherited are his hands and his e-mail
} account.  I suggest you make the best use of them
} you can.  After all, on the internet, no-one knows
} you're a dog.


753-04    (6nyp5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will the weather be like in Scotland tonight?
>       --J

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The oracle, seized with a sudden flair for drama, decides to provide a
} visual mise en scene to accompany his answer. First, he roots through
} Lisa's closet until he finds an old plad skirt she used to wear to
} parochial school. It's a tight fit, but after stripping to his skivvies
} he finds he can squeeze himself in. Next, he goes outside and selects a
} small pig, which he holds under his arm and squeezes to simulate the
} sound of a bagpipe)
} Ahc, laddie, or lassie as ye may be, tonight...tonight.... (suddenly he
} catches sight of his reflection and realizes he has been caught up in
} behavior most unbecoming to a deity, and flings aside the pig and the
} skirt in disgust).  IT'S GOING TO BE FREAKING DAMP TONIGHT, THE SAME
} WAY IT'S BEEN SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? (He
} stomps back into the house and angrily slams the door)
} You owe the Oracle one candid photo of Willard Scot(t) in full
} ceremonial colors.


753-05    (8jwnb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, where the heck can I get on to a
> Usenet server? My internet provider doesn't have one. I
> have read every FAQ I can find, I have tried every list
> of public access servers, I have asked all the old net
> hands I have met, and nothing. I want all the groups, I
> want to use my newsreader (not gopher or telnet) and I
> have to be able to get in via the connection from my
> current provider. A lot of internet providers provide
> full service for $25 a month, I'd gladly pay that for
> just Usenet. Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi.  This is Alison, Lisa's niece.  I'm visiting for a few weeks.  She
} and the Oracle are upstairs right now, something about a widemouth
} bass.  Anyway, he said not to touch anything so I figure just a few
} answers won't hurt anything.
}
} Omigaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaad!  Usenet?  Telnet?  Internet? What are you going
} to do with all those nets????  Something kinky?  And gophers?  I hope
} you aren't planning on doing those sick twisted things I've heard some
} people do.
}
} And what's a public access server?  At Miss Goerring's School for
} Wayward Girls we had one of those, I think.  She was the secretary in
} the biology lab.  At least I think that's how the janitors we played
} strip poker with describe her.
}
} But if your current provider won't use a net to connect you (no gophers
} and I don't blame you) maybe you can find another girlfriend.  Try
} alt.sex.fetish.bondage.  I've always had luck there.
}
} Oopsie...I hear those strange moaning noises coming from upstairs.
} That means they'll be down in a minute.  Gotta go.  Love ya.  Mean it.


753-06    (4dtjs dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Creative Writing Lesson XLII
>
> Today's bonus word is "crispy".  Please use it at least once when
> completing the following paragraph:
>
> "Courtney shuddered as the waves of passion swept through her
> voluptuous yet tender body.  Seldom had she known such a feeling.  The
> breeze picked up and sent a little shiver up her spine.  Surely,...."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...this had to be the best Extra-Crispy chicken she'd ever tasted.
}
} All right. You owe the Oracle "I will not send the Oracle my homework
} assignments" written 5000 times. Do it again, and it'll be 15000.


753-07    (2dyxb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Greatest Of Omniscients, whose Toejam i am not worthy to consume
> (were i to consume toejam), whose Sweat i am not worthy to lick (were
> i to lick sweat), whose Name is always Capitalized even when other,
> more properly-capitalized words aren't, answer my plea:
>
>     Why can't I find a nice guy who isn't more attached to his
>     computer than he is to me?
>
> i wait in quivering anticipation for Your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Back in the good old days, before computers were available to
} the common masses, we had a different method of inciting love
} in males.  My good friend Cupid (or Eros, whichever name you
} prefer) went around with a bow and arrow, and would surreptitiously
} spear young men.
}
} Now these were no ordinary arrows.  Instead of killing the poor
} fellow outright (which a regular arrow would tend to do), Cupid's
} missiles would instead cause the target to fall in love with the
} next figure he saw.  In general, Cupid would make sure that this
} figure was a beautiful young maiden, although every once in a
} while he'd have a little fun and substitute another man, or an
} ox.
}
} But times change, and with the current population explosion,
} there's no way Cupid could keep up with his job using the old
} technique.  So now, instead of shooting arrows at eligible
} bachelors, he fires off cleverly worded e-mail messages to them,
} which have exactly the same effect.
}
} It's a pity Cupid didn't consult me before he started using this
} method, because I could have told him how it would backfire.  Of
} course, the first figure the e-mail's target sees is his own
} computer monitor.  And this is why all the nice guys these days
} just don't pay any attention to you.
}
} You owe Cupid a machine gun.


753-08    (8lxla dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle so smart and painless, tell me
>
> where is the beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not only is the grovel weak, the question is too broad.  When are you
} supplicants going to learn to be more specific?
}
} Look for the term *beef* in the following:
}
} alt.cow.beef.flamebroil.notfried.haveityourway - the Burger King
}   Newsgroup
} alt.beef.bigmac.allbeef.specsauce.lettuce.cheese.pickle.onion.
}   sesameseed.bun - the McDonald's Newsgroup
} alt.beef.raw.allbeef.specsauce.lettuce.cheese.pickle.onion.hot.buns -
}   gifs of hunky guys eating Big Macs
} alt.sex.erotica.beef - gif's of fat women
} alt.PETA.beef.veal.torture.kill - discussion of radical options to
}   eliminate the veal industry
} alt.beef.cow.gateway.2000 - examples of bad use of the cow motif as a
}   trademark
} news.gov.senate.kennedy.beef - the overweight public official Newsgroup
} rec.beef.cow.tilting - recreational use of cows
} rec.sex.erotica.bovine.dairy - recreational use of milking equipment
} rec.whatsyour.beef.havea.cowman - the Bart Simpson for president
}   discussion group
}
} and on the Web:
}
} http://www.cardiac.net/coronary/clogged/prime.beef/~autopsy/mi.html  -
} The American Heart Association Home Page
}
} You owe the Oracle a 16 oz. prime rib and a year's supply of Mevacor.


753-09    (0dqAi dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Halt!
> Who approaches the Bridge of Death(tm) must answer me these questions
> three, ere the other side he see!
>
> What is your name?
> What is your quest?
> What is the velocity of a interplanetary Helium-3 tanker in a good
> solar tailwind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My name is The Usenet Oracle.
}
} My quest is to enlighten the Universe with knowledge.
}
} Now, the last question depends on a number of factors...
}  a) the tanker is unmanned
}   ==> given a force from the solar wind of w/(r^2) and an initial
}       velocity of 0, and a gravitational force of GMm/(r^2),
}       a=m/F = m/(wr^(-2) - GMmr^(-2))
}       a=mr^2 / (w - GMm)
}       dv/dt = mr^2 / (w - GMm)
}       v = mtr^2 / (w - GMm)
}
}  b) the tanker is piloted by Dan Quayle
}   ==> since it's now heading into the sun, we can just take the
}       gravitational force, ie. a = r^2 / GM and v = tr^2 / GM
}
}  c) the tanker is piloted by a woodchuck
}   *ZZZZZZZOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTT*
}       (the tanker is now going at approx 97.43% the speed of light)
}
}  d) the tanker is piloted by T.U.O.
}   ==> v = whatever I damn well feel like
}
}  e) the tanker is manned by Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Francois
}     Mitterand
}   ==> several nukes go off. the tanker is no longer going anywhere in
}       particular, but little bits of it are flying away very fast
}
}  f) the tanker is piloted by a supplicant who didn't grovel
}   see C
}
} You owe the Oracle an African swallow.


753-10    (8lofp dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you remove injustice from politics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get rid of the politicians.


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