} It's 6 o'clock? Already! Rats! I'm missing HARD COPY!
} (sound of Oracle flipping channels)
} Oracle: 4001...4002....4003. There! For a moment, I thought I was
} going to miss it! Thanks for reminding me, Supplicant!
} Announcer: Tonight, on HARD COPY, we look at the strange being known
} only as the Usenet Oracle. Where does he get his Supplicants from?
} And, more importantly, where do they end up?
} Who is the Oracle? What is the Oracle? Is he some extradimensional
} immortal, full of wisdom and insight? Or is he some cheap hustler
} who hides behind the silicon screens of the Information Superhighway,
} waiting to lure unsuspecting Supplicants into his web of deceit and
} strange information?
} HARD COPY talked to Betty June Schneewang, of Artoscope, Iowa. Betty
} once sent in a question to the "all-seeing" Oracle. What happened,
} Betty: Well, I had just gotten my account on America Online, and
} had begun to read *many* newsgroups, responding to each and every
} post as a good Internaut should, when I found out about the Oracle.
} Well, I immediately sent him a question, asking about my aunt Sarah's
} recipe for butter gherkins........
} <Betty begins crying> And, before I knew what was happening, I began
} to receive all of this horrible email, from strange and unusual people.
} I didn't know what to do!
} Announcer: What kind of email was it, Betty.
} Betty: <snif> It said things like "FAST CASH NOW" and "INS GREEN CARD
} LOTTERY", and some of the others suggested that I share intimate and
} carnal relations with my farm animals!
} Announcer: And you think it was the Oracle that had something to do
} with this?
} Betty: Yes. The Oracle was the only other thing I used the Information
} Superhighway for! Other than my 50 or 75 favorite newsgroups, that is.
} But, nobody from Usenet NEWS would have *ever* sent me that kind
} of information. They're just not that kind of people!
} Announcer: So, in your own words, the Oracle has ruined your life?
} Betty: <Sniffle> Yes.
} Announcer: Well, I think that pretty well sums it up. The Oracle
} is apparently ruining the lives of thousands of novice Internauts
} every day, with his "alleged" wisdom. When will the government enact
} legislation to control, or better still, curtail his devious games!
} Senator Axem Raxem joins us to explains a new bill, which he introduced
} in congress this week, to cut off the Oracular access ports.
} Senator Raxem: Waal, I thank that this heenous Oracle person has
} got to be brought to justice <ptooie!> <Spang!>! How can we allow
} our little chillen to be esposed to such downright claptrap on the
} Info'mashiun Super'hiway? Oughta get us together a bunch'a boys and
} a rope and go take care'a this Oracle feller once'an fer all!
} Ahem. I think that we gotta put a stop to this type of poor-nography
} on our computers right now, so our yung'uns can get back to playin'
} good, clean, god-fearin' war games on their PCs!
} Announcer: Thank you, Senator Raxem. Well, that about sums it up!
} Teri, what's next?
} Teri: Next up: OJ Simpson? What did he ask the Usenet Oracle on
} that fateful night?
} Oracle: ARRGH!! I can't take it any more!
} (Sound of glass breaking & electronics shorting out)
} Oracle: Who are these morons? Where do they come from?
} (sound of a knock at the door)
} Senator Raxem: Oracle? Zzat you in there, boy? C'mon out! We got
} a leetle suprise for ye!
} Oracle: Yipe! Gotta go, Supplicant! Check with me in a few days
} on INSIDE EDITION, where I'll tell *my* side of the story. And,
} if those good-ol boys ask, you didn't see me leave!
} (Oracle opens trap door in the floor and hops in)
} You owe the Oracle a bucket of chicken and a package of Red Man chaw.