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Internet Oracularities #754

Goto:
754, 754-01, 754-02, 754-03, 754-04, 754-05, 754-06, 754-07, 754-08, 754-09, 754-10


Usenet Oracularities #754    (99 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 8 Jul 1995 00:10:38 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   754
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

754   99 votes 5pwod 6btzi 8tts5 aQra0 45pvy 7opqh 3iAvb 8zum4 8xBh4 48rxr
754   3.2 mean  3.2   3.5   2.9   2.4   3.9   3.2   3.3   2.8   2.8   3.7


754-01    (5pwod dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Powerful Oracle, how Does Kellogs keep all the raisins (two
> scoops worth) in their Raisin Bran from falling to the Bottom of the
> box during transport?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They used to sub-contract that job out to those elves from Keebler.
} Each box would be shipped with one tiny elf inside.  The elf would
} make sure that the raisins were well distributed in the box during
} shipping.  Once the box was purchased and opened, the elf would make
} his way back to the Keebler tree (via a magic porthole in the
} consumer's cookie jar) for reassignment.
}
} Sadly, this is no longer the case.  When the economy started to go
} foul, the elves demanded union wages for raisin duty.  Kellogg's
} couldn't foot the bill and was forced to can the little bastards -
} figuratively speaking.  Nowadays, Kellogg's just places one live
} garden slug in each box of Raisin Bran to keep the raisins distributed.
} It's a bit less effective (and much less hygienic), but I think you'll
} agree that these sacrifices are necessary in such trying economic
} times.
}
} You owe the Oracle two pinches of salt.


754-02    (6btzi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's 6 o'clock.  Do you know where your supplicants are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's 6 o'clock?  Already!  Rats!  I'm missing HARD COPY!
}
} (sound of Oracle flipping channels)
}
} Oracle: 4001...4002....4003. There! For a moment, I thought I was
} going to miss it!  Thanks for reminding me, Supplicant!
}
} Announcer:  Tonight, on HARD COPY, we look at the strange being known
} only as the Usenet Oracle.  Where does he get his Supplicants from?
} And, more importantly, where do they end up?
}
} Who is the Oracle?  What is the Oracle?  Is he some extradimensional
} immortal, full of wisdom and insight?  Or is he some cheap hustler
} who hides behind the silicon screens of the Information Superhighway,
} waiting to lure unsuspecting Supplicants into his web of deceit and
} strange information?
}
} HARD COPY talked to Betty June Schneewang, of Artoscope, Iowa.  Betty
} once sent in a question to the "all-seeing" Oracle.  What happened,
} Betty?
}
} Betty:  Well, I had just gotten my account on America Online, and
} had begun to read *many* newsgroups, responding to each and every
} post as a good Internaut should, when I found out about the Oracle.
}
} Well, I immediately sent him a question, asking about my aunt Sarah's
} recipe for butter gherkins........
}
} <Betty begins crying>  And, before I knew what was happening, I began
} to receive all of this horrible email, from strange and unusual people.
} I didn't know what to do!
}
} Announcer:  What kind of email was it, Betty.
}
} Betty: <snif> It said things like "FAST CASH NOW"  and "INS GREEN CARD
} LOTTERY", and some of the others suggested that I share intimate and
} carnal relations with my farm animals!
}
} Announcer:  And you think it was the Oracle that had something to do
} with this?
}
} Betty:  Yes. The Oracle was the only other thing I used the Information
} Superhighway for!  Other than my 50 or 75 favorite newsgroups, that is.
} But, nobody from Usenet NEWS would have *ever* sent me that kind
} of information.  They're just not that kind of people!
}
} Announcer:  So, in your own words, the Oracle has ruined your life?
}
} Betty: <Sniffle>  Yes.
}
} Announcer:  Well, I think that pretty well sums it up.  The Oracle
} is apparently ruining the lives of thousands of novice Internauts
} every day, with his "alleged" wisdom.  When will the government enact
} legislation to control, or better still, curtail his devious games!
}
} Senator Axem Raxem joins us to explains a new bill, which he introduced
} in congress this week, to cut off the Oracular access ports.
}
} Senator Raxem:  Waal, I thank that this heenous Oracle person has
} got to be brought to justice <ptooie!> <Spang!>!  How can we allow
} our little chillen to be esposed to such downright claptrap on the
} Info'mashiun Super'hiway?  Oughta get us together a bunch'a boys and
} a rope and go take care'a this Oracle feller once'an fer all!
}
} Ahem. I think that we gotta put a stop to this type of poor-nography
} on our computers right now, so our yung'uns can get back to playin'
} good, clean, god-fearin' war games on their PCs!
}
} Announcer:  Thank you, Senator Raxem.  Well, that about sums it up!
} Teri, what's next?
}
} Teri: Next up:  OJ Simpson?  What did he ask the Usenet Oracle on
} that fateful night?
}
} Oracle:  ARRGH!!  I can't take it any more!
}
} (Sound of glass breaking & electronics shorting out)
}
} Oracle:  Who are these morons?  Where do they come from?
}
} (sound of a knock at the door)
}
} Senator Raxem:  Oracle?  Zzat you in there, boy?  C'mon out!  We got
} a leetle suprise for ye!
}
} Oracle:  Yipe!  Gotta go, Supplicant!  Check with me in a few days
} on INSIDE EDITION, where I'll tell *my* side of the story.  And,
} if those good-ol boys ask, you didn't see me leave!
}
} (Oracle opens trap door in the floor and hops in)
}
} You owe the Oracle a bucket of chicken and a package of Red Man chaw.


754-03    (8tts5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
> the most?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I miss being able to say "Nanny-Nanny-Booger-Fanny" to the people I
} don't like.  God knows, I'd love to do that around here from time to
} time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 5-year old's Christmas morning.


754-04    (aQra0 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was George Adamski telling the truth in his book about UFOs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For this answer, I will need some help.  So I contacted Agent Fox
} Mulder of the FBI.  Agent Mulder, could you please shed some light on
} this question.
}
} Fox: As far as he knew, yes.  But of course, hallucinogens can do that
} to you.
}
} Oracle: So you're saying that he was using drugs and out of his mind?
}
} Fox: Yes, though he did have some good ideas.  Of course, he should
} have tried to be a little bit more realistic in his hoaxes.  Come on,
} aliens living on Venus?  Get real.  Everybody knows that aliens live on
} Mars.  I've even met a few.  Short and green, but rather nice...
}
} Oracle: Thanks again for the answer, Fox.
}
} You owe the Oracle a genuine Venusian.


754-05    (45pvy dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome to McDonalds.  May I take your order?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I'd like a serving person that isn't obsequious and fawning, a
} burger that doesn't contain 17 grams of fat, a thick shake I can drink
} without sucking hard to enough to make my ears bleed, an apple pie that
} does not contain lava, some chicken nuggets that are made from chicken,
} a quarter pounder that weighs a quarter of a pound, and a large coke
} that has more coke than ice.  No, I don't want fries with that, I want
} _chips_, and no I don't want to have a nice day wished upon me by
} someone that has no concern about the kind of day I'm having.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pizza.  Or some Fried Chicken.


754-06    (7opqh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, whose every exhalation is utter sweetness, what do
> you hate finding in your drink the most: floaties, sinkies, or
> swimmies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. Actually, the thing I hate finding in my drinks the most is no
} alcohol.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hangover cure.


754-07    (3iAvb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, your knowledge is so vast as to dwarf the Milky Way
> (the galaxy, not the candy bar!) and is so thorough that it makes
> the libraries of the world look insignificant in comparison.
> Please help me.
>
> I really, really need to know exactly what happens if you
> remove that little tag that says "Do Not Remove Under Penalty
> of Law" from your mattress.  I mean, it was an accident.  I was
> just fastening those little elastic straps...well, nevermind
> the details.  Suffice it to say that I'm sitting here typing this
> with the curtains closed and with the phone off the hook.  What
> will they do to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Well, that depends if you were Under Penalty of Law when you removed
} the tag.
}
}   If you were, the Dreaded Mattress Police <tm> will burst into the
} house next door at 2 A.M. and drag your neighbors to the Pit of Doom
} (R).  When the mistake becomes known, a Congressional Hearing will be
} held to give various Politicians the Free Publicity they desire.  You
} will have your Various Moral Transgressions held up for the nation to
} view on CNN as part of the discussion.
}
}   If you were not Under Penalty of Law, you have no problem, as the
} label clearly states:
}   DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW.
}
}   ******************************************************************
}   * This Oracular statement is certified to be 100% pure electrons *
}   * This label not to be removed under penalty of law.             *
}   ******************************************************************


754-08    (8zum4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, Jobs in Australia ... Model 204 SAP

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                 Bureau of Labour Relations
}                                 12 Wollongong Road
}                                 Canberra 5622, ACT
}                                 Australia
}
} Anonymous Supplicant
} c/o The Usenet Oracle
} Computer Science Department
} Indiana University
} Bloomington, IN
} USA
}
} Dear Mr. or Ms. Supplicant:
}
} Regarding your note, forwarded to us by T. U. Oracle, re. modeling jobs
} in Australia: we regret to inform you that at present there are no
} modeling agencies in Australia which are seeking the services of
} someone with your qualifications. These days, the Elle McPherson look
} is "in" and the haggard, unshaven, programmer look is "out."
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Woodward W. Woodchuck
} Director,
} Bureau of Labour Relations


754-09    (8xBh4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh great Oracle, wisest of All Oracles, one and Only Oracle,
> single (and best) member of the All American Oracle club, why does my
> computer crash on me so often? Usually, it's when I'm on the net or
> using a browser. It just freezes up or bombs, and makes me really
> unhappy. I really don't want to trash this computer. Please shed some
> light on my problem, oh Wise Almighty!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DAMNIT! How come my @#$*#$&@!# computer is always crashing on me when
} I'm just getting ready to send a Answer to a supplicant. And this
} supplicant even groveled, and you know how unusual that is these days!
}
} Ok, lets see what's wrong with this piece of *&^$#%# computer.
} LIIIISSSAAAA, where's my *@#$&*@$&* Phillips *@#$&@# screwdriver.
} Oh, here it is ... NEEEEVVEEERRRMMMIIINNNDDD, I found it.
}
} Now I've got my Phresent-Pfilfers-Osciliating-Dilbertizing-Diagnostic
} meter plugged in, lets turn it on and see what it says. Hummmmh,
} that's strange it's got an error code of E284-1588-S. Wonder what
} the manual says about that. Now, scratch scratch scratch, where that
} cursed manual. Oh, that's right I put it under the work bench leg to
} keep the bench from wobbling.
}
} KRRAAASSSSSHHHHHH, hell, I've got to clean that damn workbench off one
} of these days. OK, let's see here, error code E284-1588-S translates
} as "Jealous Loop Condition-this error code can be generated when your
} PC thinks that you have been ignoring it and spending too much time
} with other strange, perhaps more exotic computers in other places.
} Solution: There is no solution, try and stay off the net so much and
} hope the case doesn't advance the error code of E291-4053, the Fatal
} Instinct Error Condition."
}
} In payment the Oracle expects you to spend more time on your local
} machine and for God's sake, dress up your Home Page a little bit too!


754-10    (48rxr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who art most cute and suggly, please give me the benefit of
> your insight...
>
> How should I go about becoming a saint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I will not bore you with unfunny references to the New Orleans
} football team, or to television shows featuring Roger Moore.
}
}       I'm sorry to inform you that sainthood is a much harder accolade
} to achieve these days.  First, you have to die (this has always been a
} requirement).  Next, someone has to petition the church to grant
} sainthood. This is done by demonstrating that you were directly
} responsible for three miracles (as recognized by the Catholic Church;
} see Bob's Big Blue Book of Catholic Doctrine, Volume 276, Chapter 12
} (Miracles)).
}
}       Obviously, these miracles have to have been accomplished while
} you were alive (although exceptions may be granted if you appear as a
} vision and perform healings (q.v. Bob's Big Blue Book of Catholic
} Doctrine, v.276, ch.12, sections 10-12 (Fatima et. al.) (an AMA license
} is required to perform healings within the borders of the United States
} and its territories; such requirement is not abated if healer is dead
} (q.v. Bob's Big Blue Book of U.S. Federal Law, v.301, ch.10)))).  As
} you can easily see, performing a miracle ain't easy these days.
}
}       However, if you think you have what it takes, here are some
} things you might care to try to fulfill the miracle requirement (pick
} any three):
}
}       o Break Microsoft's stranglehold on the computing industry.
}       o Endow all AOL/Prodigy users with common sense.
}       o Balance the Federal budget.
}       o Make Rosanne Barr appealing.
}       o Convince Capitol Hill that the Bill Of Rights is there for a
}         reason.
}       o Get a third-party candidate elected as President (not Perot).
}       o Create a mass-market orange soda that actually tastes like
}         orange.
}       o Resurrect the Amiga computer.
}       o Get the press to stop covering the OJ trial before the year
}         2004.
}       o Lower cellular phone airtime rates.
}       o Deploy easy-to-use mass-market strong encryption technologies
}         within the United States and abroad (this scores extra, since
}         you'll have the added benefit of martyrdom).
}       o Discover which long distance company actually has the lowest
}         rates.
}       o Deploy fiber optic networks to mass-market homes without trying
}         to recover the costs by offering only Pay-Per-View and Home
}         Shopping.
}       o Outlive George Burns.
}
}       I'm sure others will come to mind, but this should give you a
} rough idea of how tough sainthood is these days.
}
}       You owe The Oracle a crucifix with the figure of Bill Gates.


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