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Internet Oracularities #756

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756, 756-01, 756-02, 756-03, 756-04, 756-05, 756-06, 756-07, 756-08, 756-09, 756-10


Usenet Oracularities #756    (86 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 17:59:56 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   756
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

756   86 votes fru86 8fmni 3mxn5 4dxs8 39lvm 3gvv5 7ekpk drnm1 4vsi5 37nvm
756   3.2 mean  2.6   3.3   3.1   3.3   3.7   3.2   3.4   2.7   2.9   3.7


756-01    (fru86 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest, most musicologically correct Oracle, I kiss your Treble Clefs
> and whuggle your staves in appreciation.
>
> Oh Orrie, can you please tell me, can you think of a song that has the
> words 'I used to think that love was just a fairytale'  in it?    It's
> on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't place it.
>
> Many thanks if you can be of assistance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a matter of fact, it's one of my favorites! I'd be glad to pass it
} on (especially since it's been a long time since I've had my staves
} whuggled like THAT):
}
}   I used to think that love was just a fairytale
}   I used to think that love was just a fairytale
}   I used to think that love was just a fairytale
}   And now I got dem fairytale blues
}   [repeat 15 times]
}
} You owe the Oracle a harmonica.


756-02    (8fmni dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <imsiadm@informatrix.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who lives on high
> And answers with true verity
> Please please please please tell me why
> Money does not grow on trees

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am not the Lorax but I speak for the trees.
} And centuries ago it all started with leaves.
} "The sun," you complained, "is too hot and too bright,
} and our only relief is the darkness of night.
} In your infinite wisdom could you please find a way
} to give us some shelter from the heat of the day."
} So from each tiny branch a wonder did sprout,
} but greed took its hold and you started to pout,
} "The beasts of the field run too quickly for us.
} Do you think you could make them a bit motionless?"
} Soon there was fruit on each blossoming tree.
} Their taste was delicious, but most of all, free.
} "We've only just noticed during parts of the year
} how cold the wind could blow around here.
} The fruit is just great, and there's plenty around,
} but it is a bit high; make us warm near the ground."
} Soon there was fire, and huts, and then houses
} and then naked women in clean cotton blouses.
} and naked men in their ties, and babies still nude
} had to pay for things instead of searching for food,
} had to pay for things that used to be free
} when young was the world, and naked the tree.
} So down through the years it came and it went
} but with each new strain you found discontent.
} Now you glance at the sky and you dare to ask
} why the trees won't grant you just one little task.
} I will offer you this because silent they stand
} and if you are wise you will keep it at hand,
} "Because with everything given you just wanted more,
} there are punishments worse than keeping you poor."
}
} You owe.


756-03    (3mxn5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nearly 30 years ago Mick Jagger sang:
> "I try
> And I try
> And I try
> And I try...
> I can't get no satisfaction".
>
> Has his situation improved at all in the intervening years?  And what
> was/is the problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem is that the gentleman in question is seriously deficient in
} his use of proper grammar.  If he were to exclaim correctly "I can't
} get any satisfaction," then the grace known only by those who use the
} beautiful language of English in all its exquisite glory would descend
} upon him.  But he did not and does not and so he remains unsatisfied.
}
} Beware yourself of misusing your native idiom:  double negatives, split
} infinitives, and prepositions at the end of sentences.  You may find
} yourself with the curse of the Vernacular.
}
} Thus speaks the Oracle!
}
} (PS  In case you were wondering, the curse consists of looking like Don
} Knotts and prancing around in spandex in front of the entire world.
} Words of Warning, indeed.)


756-04    (4dxs8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WISE ORACLE .. tell me, what is the best computer of all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish supplicant, you should be more specific,
} for it all depends on what you want it for.
}
} If you're into pumping iron, and want to bulk up,  I can recommend
} the HERNIAC;  built in 1949 as the world's first portable computer,
} it weighed several hundred pounds, and cost thousands of times as
} much.
}
} If you're hungry, you need an Amiga, for it's lonely to eat alone.
} (You thought I'd say an Apple? That's not very filling, is it?)
}
} If you're playing Go, Atari is a nice thing to say.
}
} If you're an actor, preparing for a role whose emotions range from
} rage to despair, any computer at all will do, as long as it's
} running Microsoft software.
}
} My old Osborne is the most energy-efficient computer I own, because
} I haven't turned it on in years.
}
} Bio researchers like clones, psychos like Crays, poker players DEC,
} vampires NEC, while electricians hate sparcs but love powerPCs.
}
} You owe the Oracle all of the above.


756-05    (39lvm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is so wise he even knows where Scott Adams is now, (And
> I DON'T mean the guy who writes "Dilbert") please spare me the smallest
> bit of your wisdom.
>
> I went to sleep last night thinking everything was fine. However, when
> I woke up, it appeares that I am now outside of a small white house
> with a boarded front door. The house is in a small clearing in the
> middle of a forest. Oh, yeah. There's a small mailbox here too. What do
> you think I should do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stuck and want some clues, eh?
} Here's a walkthru to help you get started.
}
} Inventory
} You're carrying:  An M-80, a Power Ranger action figure, a small squid,
} and a picture of Pat Robertson.
}
} Look
} You notice a kid busy picking his nose while burning ants with a
} magnifying glass.
}
} Talk to kid
} He ignores you.
}
} Hit kid
} The authorities would file abuse charges.
}
} Show picture to kid
} God wouldn't like that.
}
} Give squid to kid
} What?  And waste a perfectly good squid?
}
} Give Power Ranger to kid.
} The kid starts stomping ants with the action figure (ala Godzilla).
} You notice he drops his magnifying glass.
}
} Pick up magnifying glass.
} (5 points)
}
} Open mailbox
} Done
}
} Put M-80 in mailbox.
} (8 points)
}
} Put picture in mailbox.
} (18 points)
}
} Put squid in mailbox.
} The squid hangs on tightly to the mailbox, refusing to go in.
}
} Take squid
} Done.
}
} Look
} You see a mailbox.  Inside the mailbox is a picture of Pat Robertson,
} and an M-80.  The mailbox is open.  The flag is down.
}
} Lift flag.
} The red mailbox flag is now up.
} (20 points)
}
} Use magnifying glass with M-80.
} Sizzle.....(25 points)
}
} Close mailbox
} (30 points)
}
} Run like hell
} Hey, this is a family game!
}
} Run like heck.
} (35 points)
} You run like the wind, and brace yourself behind the nearest tree and
} wait. The kid notices that the mailbox flag is up, and delighted with
} the thought that his dad's Playboy is about due, rushes to check.
} BOOM!
}
} Go to mailbox
} There's no mailbox here.
}
} Look
} You see part of the post a mailbox was on, and an awful red mess.
}
} Look at mess.
} It's horribly grotesque.  You're amazed at how far kids can go these
} days.  You see something sticking out of the dirt.
}
} Examine dirt.
} You see a small crater, with a red flag sticking out.
}
} Get flag
} The flag is stuck.
}
} Use squid with flag.
} The squid handily removes the flag from the soil.
} (42 points)
}
} Examine flag.
} The flag is imbeded in what appears to be the remains of an action
} figure of some sort or another.
}
} Look at house.
} You are outside a small white house.  The door is boarded shut.
}
} Use flag on door.
} The flag/action figure/squid makes an excellent prying tool.  In
} 12 seconds flat the door is unboarded.
} (50 points)
}
} Open door.
} Done
} (52 points)
}
} Enter house
} You are now inside the small white house.
}
} Look.
} You see a fridge, small bed, and an aquarium.
}
} Put squid in aquarium.
} The squid is glad to be home.   Quite famished at this point, begins
} eating the tropical fish.  He eyes the fridge with anticipation.
} (60 points)
}
} Go back to bed.
} (65 points)
}
} You have obtained a score of 65 points out of 100.  This gives you the
} rank of snoozer.
} You let your thoughts drift as sleep overtakes you...
} You wake up.  You are outside of a small white house in a forest
} clearing.  The front door is boarded shut.  Oh, there's a mailbox here
} too. What should you do?


756-06    (3gvv5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: csf <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh humble, Oracle...
>
> Why are Braille keypads on drive-in ATM machines? Blind drivers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With the invention of seeing eye dogs in 1982,
} and the teaching of these dogs to drive in 1986,
} the visually-impaired are now able to traverse the
} highway as ably as any sighted person.  As long
} as the dogs sits on its owner's lap, it allows the
} visually-impaired owner to drive via a communication
} system of barks and thumps.
}
} In the case of ATMs, it is like putting the carriage
} before the horse.  As a visually-impaired Oracle
} myself, I find it difficult to check my balance when
} the screen isn't in Braille, only the keyboard.  I'm
} also waiting for the US Treasury to be less prejudiced
} towards the visually-impaired and start printing Braille
} money.  I'm getting tired of dog slobber on my wallet,
} and Laddie gets tired after 50 barks, so I never know if
} I have more than 50 dollars at any time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Braille yardstick.  I'm building
} a new doghouse for Laddie.


756-07    (7ekpk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do black and white cows eat green grass and produce white milk ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Affirmative action.


756-08    (drnm1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1  O Bastion of Knowledge that thou art; hear, O Oracle, of mine
>    lamentations and gnashings of teeth.
>
> 2  Now the Midwest was subtle, and did bite at mine heel.
>
> 3  And I ask you, O Oracle, wisest of All; How might a man go unto the
>    Great Golden West, and how might he profiteth his soul? For I am
>    sorely wounded as to the place I am, and desire to dwell in that
>    further land;
>
> 4  And thus spake I, and making supplication, I fell unto my face and
>    did lament, trembling before the Oracle and the Word.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 5 And the wind grew still, upon his hearing my weakening
} cries. And he brought me near the waters, whence I gained
} two hours.
}
} 6 There came to me a vision as if in a dream of a vast land
} where the sun's rays did fall off the roaming vehicles and
} it did also shine upon the beasts of the field where the
} smog covereth not the sky.
}
} 7 Then he touched me with his power and mine eyes were
} opened up to the blessed meaning. Oh, oracle, your perfect
} wisdom.
}
} 8 Here could cattle of many different breeds be raised and
} cheese of great variety be produced to rival those even of
} Wisconsin.
}
} 9 Thusly could I smite the Midwest for its treachery
} against my heart.
}
} 10 And waking upon the ground, I adjusted my nose for
} having fallen on my face.


756-09    (4vsi5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: csf <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that if all things have some gravity of their own, my fat
> little dog Chester has no tiny little planets and asteroids and
> satellites and comets sailing around him in some strange cosmic
> symphony?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In fact he does, they're just too small for you to see.  There are
} dust mites, dust motes, fleas, ticks, and specks of dog biscuit powder
} whirling around him constantly, in a strange cosmic symphony.  In
} fact, the symphony is being conducted by Leonard Burns-Sting, the
} famous dust mite conductor and composer.  You should feel honored.
}
} You owe the Oracle a season pass to the London Philharmonic.


756-10    (37nvm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, I'm kinda nervous cuz this is the first time I've actually
> written to a famous Oracle so I hope you'll excuse me if I mistype
> a few words.
>
> My boss, Mr. Johnson, who's a really, REALLY nice guy and kind of
> hunk has just asked me out for a drink tonight.  And you know I'm
> really flattered cuz I'm not the brightest bulb on the planet, but
> I'm also just a little bit, well, concerned I guess is a good word
> because he's married.  But he tells me that his wife doesn't
> understand him and like, I'm sure, cuz what he does here at our
> company is SO important and her Bitchiness is calling him all day
> long to tell him to pick up the kids from soccor or whining about
> when is going to come home and all.  Normally I wouldn't go out
> with a married man at all, but Mr. Johnson says that he's practically
> seperated and everyone knows that's just a step away from getting
> a divorce.  So my question is:  Should I wear my red strapless
> or the black tubedress with the CFM pumps?
>
> Oh, and could I get your autograph?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very important occasion for you, as it will greatly increase
} your understanding of Mr. Johnson's novel ways of thinking.  This,
} in turn, will enhance your professional reputation immeasurably.
} You are right, therefore, to take great care regarding how you
} present yourself.
}
} The key to success here is to take into account Mr. Johnson's personal
} tastes and special interests.  I can give you a few hints in this area,
} but you're probably going to have to do a little shopping.
}
} You should wear a modestly cut knee-length dress, not those ones
} you were thinking of.  It should definitely be a button-down dress,
} with lots of buttons.  No zippers.  I'd suggest a dark color, with
} matching open-toed shoes with 4-inch heels.  Under it, a sheer red
} lace camisole, and a push-up bra which fastens in front.  (The front
} fastener is very important.)
}
} Also, you'll want a pair of fishnet stockings.  It would be best if
} they matched the dress and shoes in color, but if you can't manage
} that white will do.  Don't hold them up with a garter belt, though.
} Use a ring of duct tape at the top of each one, instead.
}
} This next part is a bit embarrasing for me, but you need to know,
} so here goes.  At that little shop in the mall, get a shiny black
} vinyl G-string, and a pair of edible underpants (cherry flavor).
} Wear the G-string under the panties (all under your dress, of course).
} You'll also need a few accessories, so ask the shopkeeper for a
} box of ribbed American Wonders, and a bottle of cinnamon body oil.
} Don't worry about what to do with them.  Mr. Johnson will be happy
} to explain that to you.
}
} This ensemble will be sure to make a good impression.  Rest assured,
} your professional career is about to take a giant step forward.
}
} Since you're concerned about Mr. Johnson's marital status, I can
} reassure you on that point, too.  There's a photographer at your
} local newspaper named Roger Murphy.  Give him a call, and tell him
} I said to start Operation Gary Hart.  He'll make quite sure that Mr.
} Johnson truly is practically separated.
}
} I'm afraid I can't send my autograph by e-mail.  But come on over for
} a drink and I can give it to you in person.  How does tomorrow sound?


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