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Internet Oracularities #757

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757, 757-01, 757-02, 757-03, 757-04, 757-05, 757-06, 757-07, 757-08, 757-09, 757-10


Usenet Oracularities #757    (82 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 08:38:03 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   757
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

757   82 votes gkv96 frne3 2iuq6 25kup 2bBlb agpjc 5fqpb 5cBj9 3owda 4hvjb
757   3.1 mean  2.6   2.5   3.2   3.9   3.3   3.1   3.3   3.2   3.0   3.2


757-01    (gkv96 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I access the WWW?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Wild Wombles of Wimbledon can be accessed, with a good deal of
} patience, by installing yourself very quietly on a park bench (the
} green one) situated towards the far reaches of the Common. Best times
} are around sun rise and sun set, most days during summer time (except
} Wimbledon fortnight, when they prefer to stay in their burrows and
} watch the highlights of the day's play). Winter time is not good, as
} they don't have clocks or watches, and can't get used to the time
} change. Wombles are neither diurnal nor nocturnal; they just like the
} cooler and, above all, calmer periods towards the beginning and end of
} day when there are fewer humans (or "big people") around to disturb
} them. It sometimes helps, when going Womble-accessing, to equip
} yourself with an anorak (not brightly coloured, please!) and a
} newspaper (preferably a quality broadsheet, we're talking BBC  here).
} The anorak is used to (a) blend into the back ground, and (b) keep
} warm; the newspaper is used to (c) hide behind, and (d) read.
} By sitting very quietly and still, with luck you will see one or more
} Wombles going about their daily business. Wombles look pretty much like
} your average small, furry creature. You can tell them apart from the
} squirrels by their stylish (well, they were stylish in the 1970s)
} dungarees and their strange, BBC-English type accents. Wombles are shy
} creatures, however, and you will need to gradually win their
} confidence. Once you have gained their confidence, though, you will
} find them quite easy to access. Just go behind the bushes, as there are
} laws against that sort of thing nowadays.


757-02    (frne3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [The setting is one of disarray.  On a table sits an original IBM-PC
> case which has been retrofitted to contain a 486DX-33 with 8mb RAM and
> 200mb HD space.  A 14" VGA monitor with a tendancy to just go red
> occasionally sits next to it.  Piled next to and on top of this are
> IDE, VESA-LB, and PCI cards, cables, and all manner of paper and
> manuals.  Empty Pepsi cans are stacked next to the table, threatening
> to tip over if someone as much as sneezes.  A few Intel(tm) CPU
> extracting tools sit next to a well-beaten keyboard and a Logitech
> mouse.  Surrounding the table lie the carcasses of several 486DX2-66
> and Pentium-60 systems, all in various stages of being assembled.
>
> In the middle of all of this, sitting on a red padded vinyl chair, sits
> a large college student...6'5" tall, 310 lbs.  His eyes are bloodshot.
> Movement in his chest indicates that he had better lay off the Pepsi
> soon, before his heart spontaniously bursts out of his chest and runs
> away screaming.
>
> He moves and clicks the mouse around the screen for a bit.  A modem
> somewhere in the room bleeps and dials.  The student begins typing on
> the keyboard.]
>
> Oh great Oracle, whose operational parameters I am not worthy to
> calculate, please hear my cry.
>
> I have these 486DX2-66 motherboards, right?  I've tried replacing the
> RAM in them, I've tried replacing the CPU, the IDE card, the SVGA card,
> everything!
>  But they keep...hanging...up...on...me.
>
> IT'S DRIVING ME MAD!!!  It's you, isn't it???  YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME!
>  STOP IT!  GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!  AUUUUGHHH!!!
>
> [The student collapses under the desk.  His hand reaches up long enough
> to hit a few keys on the keyboard to send the message.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please carm down and do not let this drive you insane.
}
} The problems you are encountering are due to the spirits of the
} original Motherboard that was in the IBM case. These spirits are upset
} with you to think that you could throw out a 8086 motherboard to
} upgrade to a 486DX2-66.
}
} The way to get solve your problems is to find the original Motherboard
} and put it back into the case to which it rightly belongs, this will
} please the spirits and they will leave you alone.
}
} Then all you need to do in order to get a machine working is to buy a
} new case !!!. Simple.
}
} Then if you are still having problems try sending me one of the many
} motherboards you seem to have available, then I may be able to upgrade
} from a basic 386DX40 !!.


757-03    (2iuq6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and all-knowing Oracle-- sorry for the lousy grovel, but
> THERE'S A GIANT PIKE AFTER ME!!  Not one of those merely
> mean-tempered muskies, but a evil, malicious PIKE!  He's at least
> three feet long, with big, pointy teeth!  He's chased me through all
> of the biology building, and now he's pounding on the... AAAUUUGGHH!
> *HELP*!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Dear supplicant:
}
}         I'm glad to see that you have had a chance to make aquaintance
} with my collection agency.  You see, having looked over your records
} recently, it was discovered that you have been remiss in giving unto
} the Oracle which is the Oracle's (to steal and modify a quote from
} Christ.)
}         It turns out that you are now four months past due on your
} payment of, and I quote, "One large peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
} delivered by a dork in a gorilla suit" in payment for the answer to the
} question, "Who would be the worst person I could pick on?".
}         I shall call "Enrico" off the hunt.  Please make your payments
} as soon as possible.  I would hate to have to send "Sasha" out after
} you.
}
}         He *is* rather Cthuloid, after all.
}
}         - Oracle, the Vengeful.


757-04    (25kup dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, whose technical expertise is outshadowed by
> no other's, I need to get a new monitor for my PC, and I'm
> trying to decide which kind to get.  There are two different
> sizes available:  17" and 21".  I've heard that 21" screens
> are less ergonomic, and tend to give the user eyestrain.  Is
> this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many references in historical literature prove that larger monitors are
} better than smaller ones:
}
} Little Red Riding Hood: "Why, Grandmother, what big keys you have!"
} Grandmother: "The better to type with, my dear!"
} Little Red Riding Hood: "And Grandmother, what a big monitor you have!"
} Grandmother: "The better to see with, my dear!"
}
} Evil Queen: "Monitor, monitor on the wall, which is the fairest screen
}              of all?"
} Monitor: "Multisyncarella is the sharpest, and diagonally she
}           is the largest."
} Evil Queen: "Curses!"
} Monitor: "Yes, and cursors show up larger, too."
}
} Father bear: "Someone has been using my 15 inch monitor!"
} Mother bear: "Someone has been using my 17 inch monitor!"
} Baby bear: "Someone has been using my 21 inch monitor, and she's still
}             here!"
} Goldilocks: "Wow! Doom really kicks on this screen!"
}
} Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen
} down!" [Wolf blows down pig's 15" monitor; pig buys a 17" monitor.]
} Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen
} down!" [Wolf blows down pig's 17" monitor; pig buys a 21" monitor.]
} Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen
} down!" [Wolf blows but has no effect; pigs rejoice in their choice of a
} 21" monitor, and celebrate by cooking the wolf on the massive power
} supply.]


757-05    (2bBlb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful Oracle, whose love letters to Lisa read like the
> most beautifully crafted prose, whose penmanship on your grocery list
> is like fine calligraphy, whose nose hairs I am unworthy of clipping,
> please tell me:
>
> The U.S. Postal Service is wonderful. Who ever imagined that I'd get to
> lick the back of Marilyn Monroe's head--and pay only 32 cents for the
> privilege! Please tell me, O wise Oracle, what other personalities I'll
> have the future pleasure of exchanging my saliva for their glue.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, the "Marilyn Monroe" stamp.  Just the thought of it makes me
} feel like sending my Christmas cards out early this year....
}
} Well, the "Marilyn Monroe" stamp and the equally popular "young Elvis"
} stamp are part of an effort by the Postal Service to improve their
} public image.  In recent years, the PO has gotten a lot of negative
} publicity just because mailhanders have a tendancy to going on killing
} sprees.  As a result of these incidents, many postal workers have been
} transferred to new positions at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and
} Firearms...but I digress...
}
} Anyway, the new PO is going to be hip, sexy, and a bit wacky.  The
} Postal Board of Governors hopes to make philately the hobby of the
} 90's.  After the "Marilyn Monroe" stamp, you'll probably be
} disappointed with the rest of the stamps for 1995.  You can browse them
} at http://www.usps.gov (I wish I were kidding), but don't bother,
} unless you have a thing for Louis Armstrong, James K. Polk, or Milton
} S. Hershey.  (Don't be mislead by the stamp entitled "Cupid in
} Horizontal Position"; it isn't what you think...)
}
} 1996 will be the big year for the new PO.  While the final designs have
} yet to be unveiled, I can tell you that you'll find stamps featuring:
}
}    -   Sinbad
}    -   Kim Basinger
}    -   "Lucky" Whatever-his-name-is from the Diet Coke commercials
}    -   The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.
}    -   Marina Sirtis
}    -   A block of four stamps featuring "Charlie's Angels", "Police
}        Woman", "Wonder Woman", and "The Bionic Woman"
}    -   Seinfeld
}    -   The Animanics
}    -   A full book of stamps featuring various figures from the O.J.
}        Simpson trial.
}
} You owe the Oracle a page of the "Richard Nixon" stamps and a
} cancelling machine.


757-06    (agpjc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's ten minute Quiz time, oh super-intelligent brain-knows-no-bounds
>  Oracle. Could you please answer the following:
>
> 1) A greeting between native Americans, as always seen in old 'western'
>    films.
> 2) The month after February
> 3) The opposite of wouldn't
> 4) The opposite of wouldn't
> 5) The first letter of the alphabet
> 6) The opposite of wouldn't
> 7) Another word for throw, 5 letters long, rhymes with 'muck'
> 8) Another word for throw, 5 letters long, rhymes with 'muck'
> 9) The acronym for  Interchange File Format Algorithm.
> 10) The opposite of wouldn't
> 11) Another word for throw, 5 letters long, rhymes with 'muck'
> 12) If something's not bad, it's ____.  And if you take the first
>     letter off and replace it with the third letter of the alphabet...
> 13) Another word for throw, 5 letters long, rhymes with 'muck'
> 14) The opposite of wouldn't
> 15) Which is the most common way to end a sentence, and is not a full
>     stop or an exclamation mark?
>
> Thanks Orrie, now type all the answers on one line and you will see
> your reward.  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle does not see the humor or interest you (and others) appear
} to have in in 'wood chucks'.
} We suggest you seek professional help.
} However, we found your approach more refreshing than previous attempts.
}
} Try getting a life, or a least a reasonable facsimile (I can talk !).-


757-07    (5fqpb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tellme what is the difference between ethics and morals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This seems an odd question.  I didn't know that there was any
} confusion.
}
} Ethix is a variant of Unix being developed at the 700 Club Center for
} Innovative Computer Applications.  It's designed to help computer users
} behave in a manner more consistent with traditional Judeo-Christian
} values.  Here are some of its features:
}
}    o   It makes value judgments about the contents of your files.  For
}        example, your nude GIFs of Marina Sirtis would be replaced by a
}        lovely image of that inspirational "Footsteps in the Sand"
}        poster.
}
}    o   "vi" stands for "virtuous".
}
}    o   Obviously, there are many Usenet newsgroups to which you won't
}        be able to subscribe.  In addition to the obvious "alt.sex"
}        groups, "alt.politics.democrat", "alt.politics.communist",
}        "alt.politics.libertarian" and "alt.fan.hillary" are forbidden.
}
}    o   All numerical operations are performed in floating point
}        hedonistic calculus.
}
}    o   Cute quotations from "Life's Little Instruction Book" pop up at
}        random intervals.
}
} In contrast, morels are large, edible mushrooms.
}
} You owe the Oracle an immoral operating system (and no bad jokes about
} Windows 95) and some mildly poisonous mushrooms.


757-08    (5cBj9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, wise as the sky--
> A general hell of a guy--
> Should I butter my bread
> With real butter or "spread?"
> I wait, all agog, for reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Asker of Questions, with your bread all a-bakin,'
} Here is my answer (though of gender you're mistaken).
} Oleo as butter will plug up your heart,
} If you value your life, try to be smart;
} It may say "low fat", believe me, they're fakin'---
} You're better off stuffing your face with plain bacon.
}
} The Oracle wishes that you observe a moment of silence for the dead
} wombat strapped to David Hasselhoff's chest.


757-09    (3owda dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Shotokai karate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On a small island of southwestern Japan around the 2nd century, a small
} band of ostracized Shaoulin Monks landed. They were masters in the
} "Chicken Style" of Kung-Fu.  Their teaching evolved after their deaths,
} especially with the advent of tall pagodas. You see, shoto is japanese
} for "Shot" and Kai is the japanese suffix for a "floor." In short the
} style involved climbing up to some high floor of the pagoda while the
} enemy remained banging at the door at the base. The master, who is
} wielding a large heavy mass would, as karate implies, "Empty his
} hands," onto his opponent.  An ancient japanese martial arts expert
} once reviled this form of karate as being cowardly and its practicers
} as being feckless. He held this belief until his death some months
} later when, in an appearant freak accident, he was crushed under the
} weight of a sofa, a dresser, and a desk that happened to fall out of
} three different apartments. Later on the Japanese named their income
} tax, the shotokuzei, after this style for its similarly crushing
} effects.
}
} You owe the oracle a titanium umbrella.


757-10    (4hvjb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose wisdom is beyond reckoning, please spare me a moment of
> your time and answer my question.
>
> I have heard that with great power comes great responsibility.  Does
> great wisdom come with anything extra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it can.  For 80 cents extra, you can also get fries & slaw.  The
} truely wise would steer clear of the slaw.
}
} You owe the Oracle your undying grattitude!


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