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Internet Oracularities #758

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758, 758-01, 758-02, 758-03, 758-04, 758-05, 758-06, 758-07, 758-08, 758-09, 758-10


Usenet Oracularities #758    (89 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 24 Jul 1995 08:32:34 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   758
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

758   89 votes 4luoa 46gpC 2cKm7 2uuj8 4pwl7 1vui9 7jwjc dgjni 5ixr6 8grsa
758   3.2 mean  3.2   4.0   3.2   3.0   3.0   3.0   3.1   3.2   3.1   3.2


758-01    (4luoa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Keanu Reaves have an Internet address? If you can find this out
> for me then you are truly GREAT!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I have a prepared answer to this statement, but I can't seem to find
} it. Hold on a moment. LISA! What did you do with that instruction
} sheet? Oh. Okay... thanks. Here we go, supplicant. Pay attention.
}
}   MISS MANNERS' ETIQUETTE FOR SUPPLICANTS:
}
}   In our society today, it frequently seems that traditional wisdom on
} dealing with immortals has been lost.  Fear not, gentle readers, all is
} not lost.  Miss Manners fully appreciates that in the hundreds of years
} between the appearance of oracles and other assorted omnipotent beings,
} customs are lost, manners forgotten, and proper techniques dissapear.
} With this in mind, she has prepared for you a simple three part list,
} that (if used properly) should insure good success when dealing with
} these sometimes tempermental creatures.
}
}   1. Grovel. While Miss Manners would be shocked if it were suggested
} that one grovel in the name of etiquette to another mortal, there
} are times when it appropriate.  The groveling should be concise,
} and appropriate to the stature of the being in question.  Also, it
} is important to take into account the nature or importance of the
} favor being asked for.
}
}   2. Prepare. Miss Manners cannot stress enough to her readers the
} importance of formulating an intelligent, well structured query.
} In plain English: no stupid questions.
}
}   3. No conditionals. On no account should one be tempted to try
} to leverage an answer out of an immortal by promising extra gratitude
} for a good answer, or any such nonsense.  The merits of a superior
} being stand on their own; it is not necessary that they seek favor
} from mortals.
}
}   Miss Manners cannot guarantee the outcome of an encounter with
} an immortal that ignores these essential rules.  It is likely that
} forgetting one of the three will only annoy; to fail two is asking
} for trouble; and a family newspaper is hardly the place to discuss
} the worst-case scenario.  --MM
}
}  Gosh, she said it. I don't think I need elaborate. Let's see... No
} grovel... I can't stand that actor... and... oh dear. I'm afraid
} you're in for it.
}
}  ZOT!
}
}  You owe the Oracle a good filing system.


758-02    (46gpC dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Computer Training Iz We, Inc., a Client/Server training company with
> clients ranging from the mega-corporation to the 3-person-in-the-garage
> software company, is looking for qualified Oracle instructors.
>
> If you have extensive experience using Oracle either as a DBA or
> programmer, have teaching experience, and/or have high quality training
> materials in a variety of subjects relating to Oracle, we'd love to
> hear from you.  Also, if you have the freedom to travel on occassion to
> various parts of the United States and Canada, this is a definate plus.
>
> Please email me at: jdoe@ispv.com or call John Doe at:
> (123)456-7890 ASAP.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                       Oracle
}                                       Delphi
} John Doe
} jdoe@ispv.com
}
} Dear John:
}
}       Thank you for the opportunity of an interview with your company.
} I've enclosed a resume to give you some idea of my background and work
} experience.
}       Since I already know you wish to arrange an interview, I will
} stop by your office today, at 1:00 PM.  You already have a have a dental
} appointment scheduled at that time, but I would not be concerned.
} Your dentist will be involved in a two car collision at 12:10 PM,
} after spilling a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee in his lap while rushing
} back to his office.  He will suffer only minor injuries to his lower
} back and right shoulder.  His nurse will cancel your appointment at
} 12:50 PM.
}       I look forward to meeting with you, and discussing the work
} of your company in greater detail.  Better answer the phone now; it's
} an urgent call from your wife.
}                                       Sincerely,
}                                       O.
} --------------------------------------------------
}                               Oracle
}                               Delphi
}                       Phone: (111) 111-1111
}                       E-Mail: oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} EDUCATION
}
}       AS, BS, PhD, MMD,... from Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Univ. of
} Pennsylvania...
}
} WORK EXPERIENCE
}
}       _Usenet Oracle_;  beginning of Usenet to present
}
}       As Usenet Oracle, It is my responsibility to answer all questions
} put to me in an honest and forthright manner.  I interact with many
} people of varied backgrounds.  I am good with pets.
}
}       My duties include (but are not limited to) the following:
} knowing the unknown, seeing the unseen, pondering the unponderable,
} speaking the unspeakable, uncovering the covered, covering my
} feet when they're cold, printing the unprintable, writing the
} unwriteable, speling the unspelable, cleaning the uncleanable,
} "able"ing the un"able"able, "ing"ing the un"ing"able, "un"ing the
} un"un"able, quoting the unquotable, noting the unnotable, doting on
} my neice, lying on my fleece, fleecing the unfleecable, creasing the
} uncreasable, greasing the skids, thrilling the kids, policeing the
} police, balancing the books, looking the looks, walking the walk,
} talking the talk, shuckin' the jive, stayin' alive, wondering the
} unwonderable, sponging the unspongable, ZOTing the unZOTable...
}
}       I also do windows.
}
}       _Oracle at Delphi_; beginning of time to beginning of Usenet
}
}       Hercules and the Twelve Year Punishment, King Eurystheus of
} Mycenae, Sea Monster, Andromeda Chained to Rocks, Perseus, King
} Cepheus.  You know the rest.
}
} RECOGNITION
}
}       Created the Nobel Peace Prize, when Alfred asked me what he
} should do with all his money...
}
}       Completed the Declaration of Independence when Jefferson asked
} me if all men really *were* created equal...
}
}       Instituted the first cooking school when I told Yog of Ghitherg
} that the meat would taste better if he dropped it in the volcano for
} a few minutes...
}
} INTERESTS
}
}       I have a bleck belt in all martial arts, love to wind surf, and
} participate in full contact origami. (Wait, I'm sorry; wrong text file.)
}
}       I am also an expert chef.  Would you like a recipe for brazed
} woodchuck?
} --------------------------------------------------
}                                       Oracle
}                                       Delphi
} John Doe
} jdoe@ispv.com
}
} Dear John:
}
}       I am including this follow-up letter now, since I already
} know that you've decided to hire me.  I am flattered that you consider
} me partnership material, although I am a bit dissappointed that you
} will try to start me in a sales position to see if I can work well
} with people - and to save money.  Most of your employees think *you*
} are the one who has an ego problem, with the exception of that cute
} secretary you've been boffing on the week-ends.
}       Unfortunately, I must decline your generous offer.  Although
} you think the angry call you just received from your wife is another
} one of her meaningless threats, you are wrong.  She fully intends to
} seek a divorce.  In fact, she hired a private investigator to catch
} you and the secretary "flagrante delicto".  She has many compromising
} photographs.  In color.
}       Due to this sad turn of events, your company will close its
} doors in 3 months.  After the divorce proceedings, you will find
} yourself penniless and without a job.  Do not be concerned.  You will
} be subsequently hired by Borland Inc. as a new account salesman.
} You will travel the Pacific Rim market extensively.
}       Better answer the phone now; it's an urgent call from your lawyer.
}
}                                       Sincerely,
}                                       O.


758-03    (2cKm7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and groovy Oracle, whose forecasts of major meteorological
> events are always right on target, please tell me:
>
> Is a hurricane going to strike the Tampa Bay (Florida) area this year?
> And if so, when?  I'd like to get a head start if we have to evacuate.
>
> -- Troubled in Tampa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In fact, *all* of the hurricanes are going to strike the Tampa Bay area
} this year. They've been quite upset with management lately, and have
} demanded the following before they will return to work:
}
}   o Rights to move further inland
}   o Full control over the Bermuda Triangle
}   o Higher guaranteed minimum water allotment
}   o No maximum water allotment
}   o A percentage of all management profits
}   o Free agency after 2 days of demolishing
}   o Bonuses based on the number of homes they hit
}
} Since they're planning on striking, they likely won't do any of their
} work before hand, so you shouldn't need to worry about evacuating. The
} only way they'll start demolishing again is if management meets all of
} their demands, and I can tell you right now I have *no* intention of
} giving in on *any* of those points!
}
} You owe the Oracle some minor-league hurricanes.


758-04    (2uuj8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your favorite number, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you probably are referring to numbers as mortals understand them,
} I will limit my response to categories you can understand.
}
} XXIV - Julius and I had a good laugh over this one.
}
} 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164
} 0628<several digits omitted for brevity> This one's nifty.  It just
} keeps going and going, and in circles, too!
}
} 69 - Don't think this one really needs any explanation.
}
} 13 - It makes some mortals cringe in fear some reason.  I like to make
} it show up in odd places, usually right before someone dies, or on
} ill-fated moon shots.
}
} 299,795,637.692 <or thereabouts> - It reminds me just how limited you
} puny mortals really are.
}
} 42 - My favorite.  You'll find out why, when you have metamorphosed
} into a state from which you can understand it.


758-05    (4pwl7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mysterious Oracle, Master of the Ages, please enlighten this
> petty bourgeious fool, for I have stumbled over many a root through
> a jungle of contorted lies and poorly-typed undergraduate reports
> on the history of the Middle East to find out the true origin of
> the Usenet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As most people know, the Internet got its start in the early 1970's as
} a project by the Defense Department called ARPAnet. By the early 80's
} users of various computer centers realized that they could connect to
} this backbone to trade not only secret military info, but also
} scientific data, high-tech research, martini recipes, and Star Trek
} jpegs (the original series; remember this was the early 80's).
}
} Not to be outdone, shepherds across the world soon found a way to hook
} up to this network to distribute information on herding techniques,
} tips on the proper maintenance of their crooks, and general
} sheep-related topics. They called this new network EWESnet.
}
} As an added historical bonus, here's the very first thread on EWESnet:
}
} >Subject: *** MAKE $$$ FAST ***
} >From: Black Sheep, blkshp@baa.net
} >Date: 11 Mar 1985 11:48:41 GMT
} >
} >Ha! Ha! Fooled you! Acme Shepherd's Crooks SUCK!!!!!!!!
} >You should all buy A-One Crooks!!!! Ha Ha Ha!
} >
} > Black Sheep
}
} >Subject: Re: *** MAKE $$$ FAST ***
} >From: Arthur Popkin, ampopkin@ram.edu
} >Date: 12 Mar 1985 1:18:12 GMT
} >
} >Black Sheep (blkshp@baa.net) wrote:
} >[ bunch of crap snipped]
} >
} >YOU IDIOT! all the KewL SH3P3RDZ use Acme Crookz!
} >It figures your posting from baa.net--your all clueless LameRZ their!
}
} You owe me a nice, wool dust cover for my keyboard (flame resistant).


758-06    (1vui9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, it's an hour and ten minutes until quitting time, and I have
> no more work left to do.  What should I do for the next 70 minutes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dammit Newt, how many times have I told you that the Speaker's work is
} never done?!?!  Don't you think old Orrie has other supplicants whose
} questions need answering?  Every time I turn around it's you at my
} footstool, groveling, whining, and supplicating something about how
} do I run America's government and how do preserve democracy in the
} free world? and how do I pass an amendment that makes it legal to
} deport Connie Chung?  I should've never given you my mobile number!
} Now you're telling me you don't have enough to do?  Really, I was
} trusting you to step out on your own and show a bit more of a proactive
} spirit towards this all.
}
} OK, I guess I can come up with a few things to keep you busy, at least
} until the 4:45 vote on #10540607 The Concealed Death Ray Bill (you
} are supporting that one aren't you?  Remember what I told you - death
} rays don't kill people, people kill people).   Anyway, here a quick
} list:
}
} 1. Balance the budget.  No, not the federal...get out that checkbook
} and figure out how to slip those book tour expenses and book tour
} advancements pass the Ethics Committee.
}
} 2. Touch base with John in Ways and Means and see if they've gotten
} the funding for PROJECT CHUCKSTEAK.  And don't let him give you that
} story about Americans might not be sympathetic about using the
} nation's woodchuck supply to replace soybean filler in school
} lunches.  If that doesn't fly, check on the legality of substituting
} Joel Furr instead.
}
} 3.  Get those pictures of Greenspan and the dribble glass  from
} the last Fed meeting developed.
}
} 4.  Start working on the rough draft of the  Contract with
} America-On-Line. (Just haaaaaad to sell out on that one, huh?)
}
} If all of that doesn't keep you occupied,  send Al Gore another set of
} those mystery xeroxes, but be sure to clean off the photocopier.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Robert's Rules of Order and the
} unedited Nixon tapes.


758-07    (7jwjc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and knowledgeable Oracle, there are certain stereotypes
> of women, i.e. blondes are said to be dumb, redheads are supposed
> to have fiery personalities, and so on.  Is there any basis to these
> stereotypes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THIS IS LISA - ORRIE'S A LITTLE TIED UP RIGHT NOW!
} (muffled cry in background)
} I'll answer your brilliant, incisive, well considered, seriously
} lacking a grovel, also lacking a clue question.
} Now to aid you in your festering ignorance, I will proceed to list the
} absolute truth about hair color and personal attributes:
}
} Blondes: are aliens sent to conquer humanity by turning the rapidly
} decreasing percentage of the male population in EVEN BIGGER assholes -
} if such a thing was possible!
}
} Redheads: are sent to do the same for Irish-American assholes
}
} Brunettes: are cloned from the queen brunette - spunky Mary Tyler Moore
} - and only await the signal to begin a manic killing spree, targeting
} anyone named "Mr. Grant"
}
} Black-haired: Goddesses all!
}
} Bald: anti-pope terrorist unit
}
} Blue: hair salon support network.
}
} Green: Chia heads
}
} Blonde in a Bottle: evil minions of Satan.
}
} You owe Lisa an apology & the oracle balm for his face - Duct tape can
} sting when it is removed.


758-08    (dgjni dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the hell is my e-mail address!!???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} supplicant@clueless.aol.com


758-09    (5ixr6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> h great racle, master f keybards and mnitrs, please help me...
>
> Please, h please, culd yu tell me why th "" key n my keybard wn't wrk
> right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neekapz B. Gonn Collection Agency
} 123 Usorius Place
} Extortion, NJ 09982
}
} July 21, 1995
}
} Mr. TUO Supplicant
} 456 Blind Faith Blvd
} Happy Meadows, NJ 09771
}
} Dear Mr. Supplicant:
}
} It has come to our attention that your bill with the Oracle Answering
} Service is now past 90 days overdue.
}
} On March 15, 1995, you petitioned the Service with a question regarding
} certain small rodents and their consumption of xyloid substances.  As
} payment, the Service extracted a payment of a pound of flesh or $10,000
} in unmarked bills.  With interest this amount is now 1.768 pounds of
} flesh or $17,680 in unmarked bills.
}
} By now, you have most likely noticed our Progressive Deutilization
} Mechanism.  Your computer will slowly lose one or more of its functions
} each day that this bill remains past due.
}
} We appreciate your prompt attention in this matter.
}
} Sincerely yours,
}
}   [signed]
}
} Wesley Crusher
} Assistant to Mr. Gonn
}
} WC/bt


758-10    (8grsa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear most great and wonderful Wizard of Oz. No, wrong person. Let me
> start over. Dear most horrible and undeserving Wicked Witch of the
> West. NO, that's not right either. Ummm, oh yeah! Dear most loving and
> intelligent Oracle, yeah! That's it! Dear Oracle, please tell me what
> to do to get the movie "The Wizard of Oz" out of my head. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, If it isn't my old friend, Johnny Mnemonic.
}
}       John, John, John.  When will you learn to stop batch-downloading
} the Usenet Movie Archive straight to your brain?  Without the proper
} command filter, the first movie chosen is stored multiple times for
} greater clarity on playback. If you're not careful it'll fill up all
} available space.  In your case that means about 200 milllion copies of
} the "Wizard of Oz" in the old wetware.
}
} Let's see what we can do.  Here, plug yourself into this.
}
}   >Snap<      >Click<     >Buzzzzzzzz<
}
}   oracle{oracle}1: brainmount /dev/cyber/JM
}   /dev/cyber/JM mounted
}   oracle{oracle}2: cd /JM/brain/home
}   /JM/brain/home
}   oracle{oracle}3: df /JM/brain/home
}                              mbytes     used  avail  cap.  mounted
}   /dev/cyber/JM/brain/home  6000000  6000000      0  100%  /orcacle
}   oracle{oracle}4: ls | more
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.1      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.9      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.17
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.2      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.10     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.18
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.3      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.11     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.19
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.4      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.12     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.20
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.5      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.13     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.21
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.6      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.14     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.22
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.7      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.15     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.23
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.8      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.16     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.24
}   --More-- (0%)
}   ^C
}
} Well, we can certainly see the problem, eh?  You're system can't even
} process comands internally, it's so clogged.  Good thing I'm omnipotent
} - hacking that root password out could take weeks.
}
}   oracle{oracle}5: su
}   password:
}   oracle{root}1: rm Wizard.of.Oz.flm.*
}   2,463,928,287 file(s) deleted
}   oracle{root}2: ls
}   The.Wiz.flm     The.Wzard.of.Space.and.Time.flm         Wizards.flm
}   oracle{root}3: exit
}   oracle{oracle}5: df /JM/brain/home
}                              mbytes     used    avail  cap.  mounted
}   /dev/cyber/JM/brain/home  6000000  1823746  4176254  30%   /orcacle
}
} That should take care of it.  Next time don't forget the -c when you
} batch download. That'll only send one copy of each film.
}
} You owe the oracle a set of 16 Gig SIMMs and the lyrics to "Ease on
} Down the Road"


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