} John Doe
} Dear John:
} Thank you for the opportunity of an interview with your company.
} I've enclosed a resume to give you some idea of my background and work
} Since I already know you wish to arrange an interview, I will
} stop by your office today, at 1:00 PM. You already have a have a dental
} appointment scheduled at that time, but I would not be concerned.
} Your dentist will be involved in a two car collision at 12:10 PM,
} after spilling a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee in his lap while rushing
} back to his office. He will suffer only minor injuries to his lower
} back and right shoulder. His nurse will cancel your appointment at
} 12:50 PM.
} I look forward to meeting with you, and discussing the work
} of your company in greater detail. Better answer the phone now; it's
} an urgent call from your wife.
} Phone: (111) 111-1111
} E-Mail: email@example.com
} AS, BS, PhD, MMD,... from Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Univ. of
} WORK EXPERIENCE
} _Usenet Oracle_; beginning of Usenet to present
} As Usenet Oracle, It is my responsibility to answer all questions
} put to me in an honest and forthright manner. I interact with many
} people of varied backgrounds. I am good with pets.
} My duties include (but are not limited to) the following:
} knowing the unknown, seeing the unseen, pondering the unponderable,
} speaking the unspeakable, uncovering the covered, covering my
} feet when they're cold, printing the unprintable, writing the
} unwriteable, speling the unspelable, cleaning the uncleanable,
} "able"ing the un"able"able, "ing"ing the un"ing"able, "un"ing the
} un"un"able, quoting the unquotable, noting the unnotable, doting on
} my neice, lying on my fleece, fleecing the unfleecable, creasing the
} uncreasable, greasing the skids, thrilling the kids, policeing the
} police, balancing the books, looking the looks, walking the walk,
} talking the talk, shuckin' the jive, stayin' alive, wondering the
} unwonderable, sponging the unspongable, ZOTing the unZOTable...
} I also do windows.
} _Oracle at Delphi_; beginning of time to beginning of Usenet
} Hercules and the Twelve Year Punishment, King Eurystheus of
} Mycenae, Sea Monster, Andromeda Chained to Rocks, Perseus, King
} Cepheus. You know the rest.
} Created the Nobel Peace Prize, when Alfred asked me what he
} should do with all his money...
} Completed the Declaration of Independence when Jefferson asked
} me if all men really *were* created equal...
} Instituted the first cooking school when I told Yog of Ghitherg
} that the meat would taste better if he dropped it in the volcano for
} a few minutes...
} I have a bleck belt in all martial arts, love to wind surf, and
} participate in full contact origami. (Wait, I'm sorry; wrong text file.)
} I am also an expert chef. Would you like a recipe for brazed
} John Doe
} Dear John:
} I am including this follow-up letter now, since I already
} know that you've decided to hire me. I am flattered that you consider
} me partnership material, although I am a bit dissappointed that you
} will try to start me in a sales position to see if I can work well
} with people - and to save money. Most of your employees think *you*
} are the one who has an ego problem, with the exception of that cute
} secretary you've been boffing on the week-ends.
} Unfortunately, I must decline your generous offer. Although
} you think the angry call you just received from your wife is another
} one of her meaningless threats, you are wrong. She fully intends to
} seek a divorce. In fact, she hired a private investigator to catch
} you and the secretary "flagrante delicto". She has many compromising
} photographs. In color.
} Due to this sad turn of events, your company will close its
} doors in 3 months. After the divorce proceedings, you will find
} yourself penniless and without a job. Do not be concerned. You will
} be subsequently hired by Borland Inc. as a new account salesman.
} You will travel the Pacific Rim market extensively.
} Better answer the phone now; it's an urgent call from your lawyer.