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Internet Oracularities #759

Goto:
759, 759-01, 759-02, 759-03, 759-04, 759-05, 759-06, 759-07, 759-08, 759-09, 759-10


Usenet Oracularities #759    (100 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 1995 00:10:43 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   759
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

759  100 votes fKme3 2euCg 1bEzd 7lwog 2lvth 7kEna 9yyda 8fBv9 dtgoi fjspd
759   3.1 mean  2.4   3.5   3.5   3.2   3.4   3.1   2.8   3.2   3.0   3.0


759-01    (fKme3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O all-knowing, all-seeing Oracle who is smart enough to calculate all
> the trajectories of asteroids in the heavens, strong enough to stop the
> Earth from orbiting about the Sun, and is kind enough to lend precious
> answers to us, your humble supplicants, can you answer me one short
> quick question? No, not that one.  The question I want answered is
> this: Why does my monitor keep blacking out on me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damnit!  Ever since they switched to fee-based support, everybody with
} a software or hardware problem thinks it's cheaper to ask me!  Me, the
} divine repository of the wisdom of the ages!  This jerk deserves to be
} zotted, he really does.....
}
} Your moniter goes black when you accidently kick the power cord.  What,
} you already checked the power cord?  Then resubmit your question with
} pertinate details, such as:
}
} Your computer:  Macintosh, Windows or DOS based PC, other?
} Your moniter:  what brand, what size, what resolution, what video
} driver are you using?
} Your security:  what sort of virus checking do you use, and how
} recently were your definitions updated?  What, no virus checking?
} That's something to work on right there, isn't it?
} Your problem:  "blacking out" isn't enough!  Does it black out and come
} right back, black out and stay that way, black out and come back when
} you reboot?
} Does it black out during certain conditions, or does it just seem
} random?
}
} Omniscience does NOT imply omnipatience!  Show a little more
} consideration next time, or it's zots for you!
}
} You owe the Oracle a 3 year free support contract.


759-02    (2euCg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the best place in town to meet people? I'm not looking for a
> really serious date, but just somebody nice.
>
> ==================
> Jane Doe
> St Elmo Medical Center

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go down the hall, turn left - see the sign that says men on the door?
} Take it off & hang it on your office door.
} Sure fire way to meet people & discover if they have a sense of humor
} too.
}
} You owe the oracle a roll to two-ply, extra soft bathroom tissue.


759-03    (1bEzd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, great and wise... you who have sampled everything edible and
> could write a restaraunt review for any establishment ever in
> existence...
>
> What is the white powder-like stuff on a marshmallow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   In 1956, the U.S. Army began a highly classified initiative to
} develop new counter-intelligence methods. One of these was 'tracer
} dust': a substance that would (behaving much like pollen on a bee)
} stick to a subject and rub off on anything he touched, be invisible
} to the naked eye, yet be easily recovered with special lighting
} or instruments.
}   In the course of research, several new compounds were developed that
} had the desired behavior but were not the least bit invisible. The lab
} personnel would bestow upon them wacky nicknames like 'bisquick',
} 'nacho cheese flavoring', 'donut powder', and 'toner'. Some of them
} were partially declassified and released as popular consumer products.
}   Marshmallows were rumored to be coated with such a substance, but a
} Congressional inquiry, fifteen different conspiracy-theory books,
} and an Oliver Stone movie all failed to uncover the fact that they're
} coated with corn starch to keep them from sticking together.
}
} You owe the Oracle a coat hanger and a campfire.


759-04    (7lwog dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@cyberspy.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most exalted Oracle on all the Internet, you who controls the airwaves
> and the bandwidth, you who knows why the 0 key on my remote control
> doesn't work...
> Please tell me, why is there no channel one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long time ago, when the world was new, God created 20 channels.
} Channels are small creatures, very slow to mature, and thus very
} difficult to breed.  Normally nearly invisible, they generally pass
} their time running around, blaring noise, broadcasting drivel and when
} something bad happens they gather around and scream "SPECIAL REPORT"
} and "EMERGENCY BROADCASTS"  God thought these creatures were necessary,
} so when Noah was loading the animals onto the ark (pre-flood time,
} as you know), God directed him to find all of the channels, and get
} them onto the ark as well as two of every other creature.
}
} As you very well know, channels are always changing, and often
} go by network names (ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox) which makes them very
} difficult to find, especially considering the fact that Noah had
} a short time schedule.  So Noah devised the perfect scheme to
} find all the channels at once.  Noah committed a hideous crime.
} He was immediately surrounded by 19 channels jumping up and down and
} yelling "We interupt this broadcast to bring you a special report".
} Noah caught the ghostlike creatures and brought them onto the ark.
} He then put them into a cage so they wouldn't run loose on the ark
} and create havoc (they compel humans to watch their "broadcasts",
} and Noah & his sons had better things to do with the flood coming).
}
} After getting them into the cage, it began to rain, and rain, and rain,
} and rain.  What with all the paperwork and inventorying the animals
} and everything, it wasn't until the 5th day before Noah realized that
} he was missing a some animals, the unicorn, the dragon, and Channel
} number 1.  Of course, by that time it was too late, so the world will
} never know the mindless drivel of Channel 1.


759-05    (2lvth dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh wise and powerful oracle, please tell me...
>
>    ...Why do I   (oh hold on a sec, let me check
>                   my voice mail)...
>
>    oh, okay, what I wanted to ask you is if you
>    could tell me why I...
>
>          (wait, be back in a sec, I just thought of
>           someone I've been meaning to visit)...
>
>    anyway, what I wanted to ask you is if you...
>
>          (be right back, gotta get some coffee)...
>
>    ...oh, okay, no more interruptions, I just wanted
>    to figure out the reason that I procra..
>
>          (Gotta go grab the paper out of my mailbox, back
>           in a second....)
>
>    phew...alright, why do I procrastinate so much?  I
>    can't seem to get things done until the last minute.
>
>    Thanks....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pondering your question. He'll have an answer for you...
} later.


759-06    (7kEna dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will marijuana be legalized in the U.S.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
}    Here is a concise future history:
}
} 1997: Gov. Pete Wilson takes over the Presidency of the United States,
} becoming the forty-third U.S. President, under his campaign promise:
} "I smoked it, but it was made in the U.S. and provided jobs for five
} hard-working U.S. citizens."
}
} 1998: Surgeon General McAffee produces report that smoking marijuana
} converts people from type A personalities (aggressive) to type B
} personalities (more laid-back), making them less susceptible to
} heart attacks, strokes, ulcers, and voting outside the party line.
}
} 1999: (February 23)  Newt Gingrich passes a bill saying that no one
} who has smoked marijuana, had sex with a married woman other than their
} wife, or accepted a bribe worth more than $10,000 may hold public
} office.
}
} 1999: (February 24)  To their immense surprise, Democrats retake the
} House and Senate from the Republicans, due to the third measure of the
} above bill.
}
} 2000: Pres. Wilson declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} ... oh, dear... let me flip through this...
}
} 2004: Pres. Mike Kinsley declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} 2008: Pres. Colin Powell declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} [flip]
}
} 2030: Pres. Wil Wheaton declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} Hrm.  I don't see it happening until the Great Islamic Uprising of
} 2055, when alcohol is banned but kif becomes legal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good grovel, some of the pottery that was removed
} from the Mexican shipments marked 'Fragile: Archelogical Samples', and
} four ounces of Erisian Gold.


759-07    (9yyda dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do I access WWW

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a long and convoluted process involving six major characters.
} How they interact is pretty much up to the reader. If all else fails,
} the moral of the story often turns out to be "Call AOL."
}
} THE CAST.
}
} The User. (protagonist, i.e., you) Character Note: Informed, probably
} decently educated and above-average intelligent, but then again
} maybe not, and sick of hearing about the "information superhighway"
} and "cyberspace," but then again maybe intrigued.
}
} The User's Computer. Char. Note: Seemingly transparent, a doorway, as
} it were, to worlds more profoundly interesting than anything we could
} dream up unless we were someone else's subconscious, but actually
} completely self-aware and out to get you.
}
} The Internet Service Providers. (thousands of them) No Character Note
} necessary, as they only appear as a swaying, vaguely threatening
} mob in the background of all the scenes of the play. Out to get you.
}
} Content Providers. (jillions of them) Char. Note: Obsessed with
} creating torture known as "homepages." Your basic "homepage" will
} contain a) a 500K black and white uncropped picture of the C.P., b) a
} 499K black and white uncropped picture of the C.P.'s cat, c) a link
} which doesn't work to the C.P.'s educational institution, d) a link
} which doesn't work to the C.P.'s Internet Provider (see below), e) a
} link which may or may not work to someone else's coffee machine, lava
} lamp, or fishtank, and of course f) several hundred 30K "under
} construction" icons. This is what used to be called arts and crafts.
}
} Your Mom. (does not appear on stage; voice only) Char. Note: Will call
} continuously at inopportune moments to knock you off the phone at that
} crucial point writers like to call Just When Things Were Getting Good,
} You Know. In this way and undoubtedly others, she is out to get you.
}
} Congress. (our antagonist) Char. Note: Just basically out to get you,
} except with a bit of a time constraint involving your need to get
} online and sign six or seven petitions before they eventually do.
}
} All of these characters play out the scenes you've no doubt already
} scripted or watched over someone else's shoulder. They appear in pretty
} much the order they are listed, with (1) buying (2), selling organs to
} afford (3), getting interested in (4), getting annoyed by (5), and
} succumbing in the play's not-at-all-filthy-and-gory-but-still-quite-
} effective-in-a-we've-learned-a-lesson-today-haven't-we-Billy final
} scene to (6).
}
} Not a pretty show, but, man, we're beating the living hell out of
} Sunset Boulevard at the "virtual" box office.


759-08    (8fBv9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oy vey! So, here you are! Schlepping around on the computer as always!
>
> Look at you...I pay good money to put you through law school, and what?
> You go and throw it all away to become an omnipotent being! You're
> breaking your mother's heart, don't you know that? She's got high blood
> pressure, and it's all because of you.
>
> And, now, to find out you took a gentile's name. Gottim himmel! I would
> have bet my tuchus that you would still have that much respect for your
> family. But, no...Herschel Oraclovsky wasn't good enough. You had to go
> and change it to Usenet Oracle. What they hell kind of name is that
> anyway?
>
> And, to top it all off, you're rooming with that Lisa girl...a
> CATHOLIC! Your great grandmother Ruth is probably turning over in her
> grave.
>
> And one more thing...you do NOT put HAM AND CHEESE ON A BAGEL!
> Oy...it's time for my pills...
>                                         Dad
>
> P.S. Call your mother. But not on Saturday. Bloomingdale's is having a
> sale.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear rec.humor.oracle readers:
}
} I'm terribly sorry that you had to see that.  You see, lately I've been
} stalked by Nancy Walker.  (You remember:  she played Valerie Harper's
} mother on "Rhoda".)  Anyway, being out of work for so long seems to
} have pushed her over the edge, and so now she lives in some kind of
} fantasy world in which I am her son.  She gets all "verklemmt" if I
} don't promise to visit her.  Now I guess she's writing me letters and
} signing them "Dad".  The woman needs help.
}
} Actually, this happens to me all the time when television shows get
} cancelled.  For years, Delta Burke kept calling me Nowell, which I
} think was the name of her pet pig on "Designing Women".  Thank God for
} "Baywatch"; the letters from David Hasselhoff were getting rather
} spooky. I fear the day "Roseanne" is cancelled--that is one scary
} woman.
}
} I apologize for any inconvenience.
}
} The Usenet Oracle
}
} P.S.  I feel I should distance myself from Ms. Walker's comments about
} Catholics.  The Oracle is actually quite fond of Catholics.  JP2 is
} about as close to a peer as I have among mortals...


759-09    (dtgoi dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do i switch to using netscape browser with my pipeline account?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Thank you for your question.  As your Internet Service Provider,
} we are pleased to assist in your exploration of the computing world's
} fastest growing realm.
}
}       As you have no doubt observed, the explosion of the Web has made
} your existing command line account rather limited.  To better serve
} your expanding needs, we are pleased to offer the following tiered
} service packages:
}
} Baseline Account
}       This is our most basic account.  You get a shell prompt.  On-line
}       help is disabled.  Transfer protocol is 'cat'.
}       $5.00/month
}
} Extra(tm) Account
}       All Baseline features, plus:
}               o On-line help
}               o On-line manual pages (first 20 accesses free)
}               o XModem (checksum)
}       $7.50/month
}
} Super(tm) Account
}       All Extra(tm) features, plus:
}               o Unlimited manual page reference
}               o Lower case support
}               o 8-bit connection
}               o XModem (CRC)
}       $10.00/month + $1.00/hour
}
} SuperExtra(tm) Account
}       All Super(tm) features, plus:
}               o Command line editing (backspace, ^X)
}               o 24-hour access privileges
}               o XModem (1K blocks), YModem
}               o Free outbound mail
}       $12.00/month + $1.25/hour
}
} Master(tm) Account
}       All SuperExtra(tm) features, plus:
}               o Free inbound mail
}               o Newsgroup access
}               o ZModem
}       $15.00/month + $1.65/hour
}
} MasterExtra(tm) Account
}       All Master(tm) features, plus:
}               o Configurable newline termination
}               o Apple Newton(tm) support
}               o Personal netnews killfiles enabled
}               o 9600 bps access privileges
}               o Kermit
}       $20.00/month + $2.10/hour
}
} MasterSuper(tm) Account
}       All MasterExtra(tm) features, plus:
}               o Account password protection
}               o Shift-lock support
}               o Access to code development tools (vi, emacs, EDLIN,
}                 etc.)
}               o UUCP
}       $22.00/month + $2.50/hour + $0.01/Kbyte
}
} MasterSuperExtra(tm) Account
}       All MasterSuper(tm) features, plus:
}               o Access to additional code development tools (cc, as,
}                 etc.)
}               o 80 column support
}               o 512K storage
}               o Tint control
}               o Gopher
}       $25.00/month + $2.75/hour + $0.05/Kbyte
}
} Executive(tm) Account
}       All MasterSuperExtra(tm) features, plus:
}               o Access to compiled output (a.out)
}               o 2048K disk storage (additional to 512K on tape)
}               o 600 DPI
}               o SLIP/PPP
}       $50.00/month + $4.99/hour + $0.198/Kbyte
}
}       We are also pleased to announce our first account specially
} tailored for businesses:
}
} Entrepreneur(tm) Account
}       o Your choice of shell (csh, tcsh, ksh, bash, etc.)
}       o SLIP, PPP (yielding direct FTP and HTTP connections)
}       o 14400 bps, 28800 bps, ISDN, or leased line connections available
}       o 20M storage on RAID array with mirrored backup (additional
}         storage for extra charge)
}       o Full suite of development tools (yacc, lex, sed, awk, perl,
}         etc.)
}       o DNS registration (become your own domain on the net!)
}       o Complete PGP tool set
}       o CNID reverse-lookup phone database
}       o USGS maps collated and annotated by zip code and demographics
}         (in Postscript and DVI)
}       o Access to all our members' registration data (excepting those
}         who explicitly requested at least three times to be excluded)
}       o Public relations tools (SpamTool, with NoCem evasion heuristics)
}       o Libel/slander control facilities (canceltool)
}       o Intelligent mail filter suites
}       o 24-hour phone support
}
}       $300.00/month!
}       (Must be registered as a commercial business within your state to
}       qualify)
}
}       We think you'll agree these new options offer unparallelled
} flexibility, and that no one else offers a better deal for direct
} Internet access.  We're pleased you've chosen us, and hope will
} continue to stay with us.  See you on the Net!
}
}       You owe The Oracle an account on best.com.


759-10    (fjspd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you no some adresses of nice MUDs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but here are some usegroups.
}
} alt.startrek.harry.mud
} alt.eat.more.mud.pie
} alt.use.mud.pack
} alt.get.out.mud.stains
}
} But first you might wish to check out.
}
} alt.learn.how.to.spell.geek
}
} And because there was not a grovel as normally expected,
} here is one for you.
} alt.zot.supplicant.die.die.die


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